You must really consider the circus
It just might be your kind of zoo
I can’t think of a place that’s more perfect
For a person as perfect as you
– The Grateful Dead
—
My opponent for the job of Week 8 NFL Prognosticator was Brett Favre’s penis photographer. Plus, she’s a witch. And she’s not even a she. She’s a he. And he wants to sell your children to an illegal immigrant and then tax you for the transaction.
My opponent once owned a restaurant
and brags about his business experience, but what he doesn’t tell you is that his famous dish was slow-cooked puppy-and-kitten stew. The stew was delicious, but is this the kind of person you want picking week 8 in the NFL?
Our country is in peril and my opponent has hired campaign workers to put helmet-to-helmet hits on my supporters. Sure, we have retaliated. Politics is a contact sport.
But listen, my fellow citizens. I am pleading with you to despise my opponent as much as I do. Just remember my slogan: His morals are even worse than mine! My opponent has thrown a lot of dirt in this campaign. But I have only one question for him: Why are you so fond of your pet goat?
If my opponent is elected, be fearful about whatzgonnahappen.
DOLPHINS AT BENGALS – If the Bengals defense was on trial, they would offer no defense. And while the Dolphins should run wild, the Bengals offense should offer some reality-show-type explosions. Bengals 30, Dolphins 17
JAGUARS AT COWBOYS – Did you know that Jon Kitna is still alive? Isn’t he the same age as Ernest Borgnine? Cowboys 35, Jaguars 12
BYE AT FALCONS – Roddy White receives another shipment of Jerry Rice’s blood.
REDSKINS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford will pick on DeAngelo Hall, who will pick off Stafford once. He will also get burned for two touchdowns. Donovan McNabb mounts a valiant rally, but watch out for the Lions. Yes, you just read that. Lions 24, Redskins 20
BILLS AT CHIEFS – Ryan Fitzpatrick passes. He went to Harvard and he passes. Get it? Bills 24, Chiefs 23
BYE AT RAVENS – Someone in a Ray Lewis costume knocks on Ray Lewis’ door asking for candy, and Ray Lewis is scared to death.
PACKERS AT JETS – This is an episode of M*A*S*H. Aaron Rodgers is Hawkeye. Jets 33, Packers 20
BRONCOS AT 49ERS AT LONDON – Nice try NFL, but you can’t move this game far enough away. 49Ers 21, Broncos 19
BYE AT BEARS – Kids at Jay Cutler’s house get the wrong candy.
PANTHERS AT RAMS – Two franchises going in opposite directions. Rams 20, Panthers 17
TITANS AT CHARGERS – Best offense in the league? Check. Best defense in the league? Check. Oh, coached by Norv Turner. Even so, the Chargers have to win sometime, no? Chargers 26, Titans 22
BYE AT GIANTS – Ahmad Bradshaw dresses like Chris Johnson and suddenly gets respect.
BUCCANEERS AT CARDINALS – The Cardinals are going to have a good game sometime. And the Buccaneers are ready to trip. Cardinals 29, Buccaneers 10
VIKINGS AT PATRIOTS – Brett Favre limps, Randy Moss slouches, and Brad Childress stews. Still, Adrian Peterson causes nightmares until Tom Brady saves the day. Piece of cake. Patriots 24, Vikings 21
BYE AT EAGLES – Kevin Kolb dresses as Michael Vick, and Vick dress as Kolb. They do it just to mess with Andy Reid.
SEAHAWKS AT RAIDERS – This isn’t a prediction. More like a wish. Seahawks 59, Raiders 3
STEELERS AT SAINTS – After playing the mighty Browns defense, Drew Brees is relieved to face the Steelers. Saints 22, Steelers 15
BYE AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy, known for his accuracy, mistakenly kicks Jake Delhomme in the ankle and then mistakenly kicks Seneca Wallace in the ankle. “I was just kicking around some ideas for our offense,” he explains.
TEXANS AT COLTS – Arians Foster described the atmosphere in Indianapolis as a whole different animal than playing at home. Some describe it as skunk. Colts 20, Texans 0
This column is sponsored by hope, change, and tea.