Although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
– Billy Joel
—
Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.
The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.
Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.
The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.
The turkey admits the following facts:
1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”
The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:
1) turkey tastes good
The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.
The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.
Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.”
PACKERS AT LIONS – The Packers aren’t winning every game this year. The Lions will show the NFL something on Thanksgiving. The Packers are a better team, but not this turkey day. Aaron Rodgers is human when pressured. Lions 37, Packers 27
DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – Matt Moore’s bubble bursts in Dallas, where Tony Regular-Season Romo continues his November dominance. Cowboys 34, Dolphins 10.
49eRS AT RAVENS – Two brothers coaching against each other means a vase gets broken and the upholstery on the sofa gets ripped. Those kids! Jim was a better player, therefore he’s a better coach. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis overdoses on tryptophan. 49ers 20, Ravens 17
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Matt Leinart versus Blaine Gabbart is a matchup that no one will be fondly recalling years from now. Texans 12, Jaguars 9
PANTHERS AT COLTS – The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. Panthers 28, Colts 17
BROWNS AT BENGALS – For half the season Colt McCoy liked like a career backup with wobbly, inaccurate passes, and then last week he looked almost like Drew Brees. In my Shangri-La, McCoy is a great quarterback and Andy Dalton is not. Browns 28, Bengals 21
VIKINGS AT FALCONS – The Vikings are going nowhere and the Falcons help them get there. Falcons 32, Vikings 14
BILLS AT JETS – At Thanksgiving dinner, Rex Ryan flips the bird, but the Bills are turkeys without Fred Jackson. Jets 20, Bills 12
BUCCANEERS AT TITANS – LeGarrette Blount is the brand name of a bulldozer. Buccaneers 23, Titans 20
CARDINALS AT RAMS – Tough to pick between Sam Bradford and John Skelton, and that says more about Bradford than it does about Skelton. Rams 14, Cardinals 9
BEARS AT RAIDERS – Caleb Hanie shines. Carson Palmer implodes. The Bears have Cinderella for one week. Bears 24, Raiders 21
REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – The Redskins can usually find a way to lose. Rex Grossman helps the cause, as will Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 20, Redskins 17
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – What do you call someone who prays for Tim Tebow to lose? Broncos 17, Chargers 14
PATRIOTS AT EAGLES – The Patriots are way more than a mirage but a little less than the real thing. The Eagles are a nightmare. Patriots 30, Eagles 19
STEELERS AT CHIEFS – Tyler Palko sees Kyle Orton and thinks “this guy couldn’t even beat out Tim Tebow.” Steelers 27, Chiefs 10
GIANTS AT SAINTS – Eli Manning is good but Drew Brees is better. Brees also has better weapons and Karma. Saints 29, Giants 23
This column is sponsored by gravy.