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Did you see the press conference when I stood up and threw a shoe at Browns coach Romeo Crennel? He dodged it as if he’s been dodging thrown shoes his whole life. No big deal.

The truth is, I am a Romeo supporter. I was aiming at Browns GM Phil Savage. That’s why I am a Romeo supporter. Phil drafted me as a quarterback, but Romeo was smart enough not to play me. Instead, he put me in charge of asking the difficult questions.

As soon as I was finished in Cleveland, I shuffled off to Buffalo, where I heaved some snow boots at Bills coach Dick Jauron and then I flew out to Oakland to join the mob throwing shoes at Al Davis.

The next thing I knew, I was so popular that I had my own shoe deal.

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The problem, of course, is that no one can afford shoes anymore.

Many have resorted to throwing toenail clippings but I say that this is not the kind of country that I want to live in – where patriotic shoe throwing has been somehow transformed into icky toenail tossing.

Every press conference I go to these days, I try to ask questions. But it is difficult with so many out-of-work newspaper reporters loudly clipping their toenails in the hope of being called on to ask a question.

Still, I go because I am just like Tom Joad. I’ll be around in the dark; I’ll be everywhere, waiting with shoes and questions. Wherever there’s a team stinking, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. Wherever a coach has a team going backwards, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. I’ll be there in a way that’s stops a wide receiver from dropping another damn football – yes, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. If a referee can’t see or read the rules, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. Wherever there’s failure and anger, I’ll be there. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Peyton is having a playground season because just like a playground game, the Colts spot the Jaguars 14 until the fourth when Peyton tosses four touchdowns. Colts 28, Jaguars 14

RAVENS AT COWBOYS – Ray Lewis overdoses on some bad vitriol that he got from Terrell Owens. Meanwhile the Cowboys are spent after last week plus if they are not, Wade Philips will de-motivate them as only he can. Ravens 21, Cowboys 13

DOLPHINS AT CHIEFS – Chad Pennington, who went to the playoffs with Herm Edwards as his coach, decides to play his worst game as a Dolphin. It’s Christmas season. Chiefs 20, Dolphins 17

BENGALS AT BROWNS – During pre-game warm-ups, Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis discuss how next fall will be a perfect time for their two families to take an extended vacation together – anywhere but Ohio. The Browns rely on the offensive strategy of four Brandon McDonald interceptions for touchdowns. That, and magic. Browns 28, Bengals 21

49ERS AT RAMS – Jim Haslett’s squad is winning until the fourth quarter because of Stephen Jackson. Then Coach Haslett doesn’t give the ball to Jackson anymore. 49ers 24, Rams 17

SAINTS AT LIONS – If the United Nations had any guts, it would be involved in the Lions season by now. Saints 50, Lions 20

CARDINALS AT PATRIOTS – It’s late December. Those are the Cardinals and that guy over there is Bill Belichick. Patriots 30, Cardinals 17

STEELERS AT TITANS – Jeff Fischer’s team is not about to melt, not now. In the playoffs, sure – but not now. Titans 20, Steelers 17

CHARGERS AT BUCCANEERS – Philip Rivers will have his best years torpedoed by Norv Turner, while Jon Gruden proves to be the anti-Norv. Buccaneers 24, Chargers 21

BILLS AT BRONCOS – It’s the fourth quarter when Bills Coach Dick Jauron decides what to give Broncos Coach Mike Shanahan for Christmas. Then he gives another one. Other coaches love this guy! Broncos 34, Bills 20

TEXANS AT RAIDERS – JaMarcus Russell Fumbles is a great band name. Texans 27, Raiders 20

JETS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are the best 3-11 team in the league and the Jets are about to find out how overrated the Jets are. Seahawks 28, Jets 24

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – While Brian Westbrook is scoring three touchdowns, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is practicing his well-practiced Donald Trump “You’re fired!” routine for soon-to-be-unemployed Jim Zorn. Eagles 31, Redskins 19

FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Tarvaris Jackson outplays Matt Ryan, and Adrian Peterson outplays everybody. Vikings 24, Falcons 20

PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Last year in late December the Giants rode a close loss to the Patriots all the way to the Super Bowl. That’s probably the most hopeful way for a Giants fan to look at this game. Panthers 18, Giants 14

PACKERS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton carves up the Packers better than a cheese knife through cheese. Bears 31, Packers 13
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– THE POLICE

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Governor Rod Blagojevich: Hey Fan Number 5, do you have a favorite NFL team? Want me to pick them to win?

Auctioneer Rod Blagojevich: I’ll picktheBears ifyouwantmetopicktheBears so do I hear $50,000? No? Okay, I’ll picktheSaints ifyouwantmetopicktheSaints so do I hear $50,000? No? Well then bleep you!

Governor Blagojevich: Look people. Let me explain something here. This is an auction, and this is democracy in Illinois. You don’t have a choice.

Governor: You bid lots of money and give it to me and then whoever gives me the most money gets to see me pick your team to win. Did you hear me, Fan Number 5? Think of this as a United States Senate seat for football fans because my opinion is the only one that counts.

Governor: Please stand over here while I shake you down. No, it’s not as much fun as it sounds but in the end I profit. A governor has to get what he can get when the getting is good and this is a damn good getting season. So as I was saying…

Auctioneer Blagojevich: Iwanna moveto MondayNightFootball featuring theClevelandBrownsversusthePhiladelphiaEagles AND Iwannagetabid ofbigbucks. Big, big bucks!

Auctioneer: DoIhearabid forthe Browns towinthegame? Thisishighpriority sopleasesomeone-anyone paymetopicktheBrownstowin.

Governor: Listen. You have to understand the power I have. I am writing this column because the previous writer couldn’t actually get the Browns to win, so I had him fired. But if you can get me enough money, I can make them win. I’ll buy the team, yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT BEARS – Chicago native, New Orleans Saints running back Pierre Thomas is playing against New Orleans native, Chicago Bears running back Matt Forte. If these guys grew up as real fans, each would refuse to play. Go with the guy from Chicago, I mean New Orleans. Bears 24, Saints 21

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – There is a official ceremony at halftime to give LaDainian Tomlinson his AARP card. Chiefs 24, Chargers 10

49ERS AT DOLPHINS – The game is delayed for a half an hour while Mike Singletary and Bill Parcells bloviate in each other’s general direction. 49ers 19, Dolphins 16

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – The winning team receives this here bucket of spit. Seahawks 20, Rams 10

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – I can remember entire decades when the idea of a big game between these two teams in December was hilarious. Buccaneers 28, Falcons 27

BILLS AT JETS – Favre is due for a big explosion. Jets 40, Bills 20

PACKERS AT JAGUARS – In these teams version of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” the town of Bedford Falls is called the NFL and it actually wouldn’t miss either team if they didn’t show up this season because, well, they didn’t. Jaguars 16, Packers 10

LIONS AT COLTS – The Colts defense actually sleeps for the entire first half and the Lions only take a 10-point lead. Tony Dungy coaches while holding a puppy in a La-Z-Boy while Peyton Manning watches a different game on his cell phone during most passing plays. The Colts Gatorade bottles are filled with Vodka. Colts 30, Lions 10

REDSKINS AT BENGALS – When someone calls a non-genius a genius, is that the same as calling a not-great running back a great running back? Playing the Bengals creates an easy way for more mistaken identity in both cases. Redskins 23, Bengals 9

TITANS AT TEXANS – After the game, a dazed Matt Schaub picks the Titans to win the Super Bowl. Titans 30, Texans 6

VIKINGS AT CARDINALS – Everyone else is losing their jobs but they need extras to run the scoreboard this week. Vikings 42, Cardinals 38

BRONCOS AT PANTHERS – It’s like a flyweight going in to fight a heavyweight. Panthers 31, Broncos 20

STEELERS AT RAVENS – An avalanche of Christmas cards falls on Ray Lewis. Then an avalanche of Hines Ward falls into the end zone. Steelers 27, Ravens 13

PATRIOTS AT RAIDERS – Just after Jabbar Gaffney scores a touchdown, Al Davis offers his top draft pick to the Patriots for Jabbar Gaffney. Patriots 36, Raiders 14

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – After Old Ironedface, Jerry Jones wipes away his mascara and declares that Marion Barber is not tough enough to get a facelift, Terrell Owens drops the ball and then Tony Romo throws another one away. Giants 27, Cowboys 17

BROWNS AT EAGLES – This Browns fan expects pigs to fly even though the problem with pigs flying is the droppings. Pig excrement serves as a metaphor too. Look up! Cover your head! Oh, and cover your ears too because Tony Kornheiser will spend the first half talking about Brett Favre, who is not playing in this particular game. Browns 22, Eagles 21

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– Guns N Roses

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I was on death row when I started predicting NFL games as a way to pass the time and somehow my predictions came to the attention of George W. Bush, a big sports fan. Yes, I am a turkey, and I am guilty.

One day last week I was sitting in my cage playing the harmonica and singing, “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen,” when my cell phone rang. It was President Bush.

He said he loves my predictions because they are usually wrong. He said I am a kindred spirit. He said he is a lame duck, but I didn’t understand. I am a turkey. I don’t often associate with ducks.

We chatted for a moment. His favorite team is the Detroit Lions. I said hate the Lions, and I hate the Cowboys. He said he is a cowboy. We laughed and laughed.

I told him I hate John Madden. He assured me everyone does. Then I told him that I also like John Madden because he reminds me of my cool, crazy uncle who loves bourbon. The President told me everyone feels this way as well.

I am a wild turkey who believes George W. Bush is a wise man. I admit that I am a beneficiary of his wisdom, or maybe I am just a lucky bird. You see, he invited me to the White House and I was in the room when his Presidential Counsel asked whether he was going to pardon Scooter Libby. Bush said these exact words, “Pardon the turkey.”

So I am here to bring you the most anticipated and very best NFL predictions from a turkey. But first I’m hungry so please tell me what’s for dinner? Then I’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen.

Also…
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TITANS AT LIONS – Walt Disney presents a home-for-the-holidays heartwarming underdog’s story. Start with the meanest, nastiest team in the NFL, give them their first loss of the season, and then send them to play the pathetic Detroit Lions four days later. Lions 24, Titans 22

SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – Terrell Owens and Roy Williams are thankful for small cornerbacks. Cowboys 55, Seahawks 30

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – Donovan McNabb may need to disappear, sort of like Kurt Warner did, before he can reemerge as a wise aging star. Eagles fans thank the Phillies. Cardinals 27, Eagles 20

COLTS AT BROWNS – I get it. The Browns want high character guys who never lose their temper. Meanwhile, the “$” logo from the Art Modell days is now “F#@*” The new logo confuses Peyton Manning because he has never received a helmet email before. I am blinded by the brilliance. Browns 32, Colts 31

DOLPHINS AT RAMS – A hunter once told me the story of a ram that took a running leap off of a 4,000-foot cliff to avoid being shot. I think it is part of the Jim Haslett pre-game pep talk. Dolphins 34, Rams 10

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – For all those with a young quarterback who frustrates you, there is a lesson in the story of Eli Manning. The Giants have that look this year… you know, like the Patriots last year. Giants 23, Redskins 20

PANTHERS AT PACKERS – The Packers have just enough to stay in the race and a tough victory over the Panthers gives psychological benefits, the same as stinky cheese. Packers 24, Panthers 21

RAVENS AT BENGALS – Ray Lewis overdoses on tryptophan. Marvin Lewis qualifies for workmen’s compensation because it is hard to coach such a crappy team every year. Ravens 21, Bengals 14

49ERS AT BILLS – Nate Clements serves toast. Bills 30, 49ers 14

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Pirates are getting great press these days, but Drew Brees has more bombs in his arsenal than the Buccaneers have in theirs. Saints 28, Buccaneers 21

And…
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FALCONS AT CHARGERS – Matt Ryan is one of the most successful rookie quarterbacks in NFL history and the Chargers are a team coached by Norv Turner. Falcons 31, Chargers 27

BRONCOS AT JETS – If you missed the old erratic three-interception Brett, he’s back. Broncos 34, Jets 24

STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – On the last play of the game, Randy Moss and Troy Polamalu jump for the ball, Troy loses by a hair. Patriots 21, Steelers 20

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Al Davis must be rolling over in his grave thinking about how bad the Raiders have become. Chiefs 20, Raiders 17

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson is completely contained until he isn’t, and once he isn’t he really isn’t. Is he? Vikings 26, Bears 20

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – I want to see Mario Williams sack Jack Del Rio. Texans 23, Jaguars 20

This column is sponsored by gratitude.