Balloon Boy’s Pretend Week 7 NFL Picks

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon

– Nena

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Help me! I just launched a balloon and my Week 7 NFL predictions are in it!

What do you mean you don’t believe me?

I know American history. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are great Americans but they do not compare to Balloon Boy. Balloon Boy is the greatest American ever, even greater than Tom Brady.

I call for a Balloon Boy National Holiday, and renaming Yosemite National Park and Niagra Falls as Balloon Boy Park and Balloon Boy Falls.  And, while Congress is taking on that important work, I suggest the Denver Broncos be renamed the Balloon Boy Broncos. And I also think Balloon Boy’s father should either be Bernie Madoff’s roommate or the top advisor to Reskins owner Daniel Snyder – because a large hoax is a large hoax. Speaking of a large hoax, here’s whatzgonnahappen.

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Phil Rivers makes red turn green with envy. Chargers 31, Chiefs 10

PACKERS AT BROWNS – Worst rated passer in the NFL? Check. Leading tackler out for the season? Check. Most despised coach in the NFL? Check. Reason for optimism? Vodka. Browns 100, Packers 0

BYE AT TITANS – When Jeff Fisher goes to church, he dresses in a devil costume because it’s so funny.

COLTS AT RAMS – This is like when rich people win the lottery. Colts 40, Rams 3

VIKINGS AT STEELERS – The Steelers will claim they were hit by a fast purple car with a 28 on the side. Vikings 28, Steelers 23

BYE AT SEAHAWKS – T.J. Houshmandzadeh wonders what it would be like to be a Bengal.

49ERS AT TEXANS – Michael Crabtree scores eight touchdowns but then he wakes up. Texans 21, 49ers 17

BYE AT JAGUARS – The entire team stands on one foot on a see-saw that rests precariously on ball as an exercise to ponder the rest of the season.

PATRIOTS AT BUCCANEERS AT LONDON – I’ll New England in Old England every time. Patriots 41, Buccaneers 24

BILLS AT PANTHERS – If this game was a form of art, I would call it feces art. Panthers 9, Bills 3

BYE AT LIONS – Bye 45, Lions 0

JETS AT RAIDERS – JaMarcus Russell 4 interceptions and 2 fumbles, Mark Sanchez 5 interceptions. Close game. Raiders 20, Jets 17

FALCONS AT COWBOYS – Jerry Jones is so proud of his football… stadium. Falcons 29, Cowboys 15

BYE AT BRONCOS – Coaches are working all hours of the day in order to prevent the clock from striking midnight.

SAINTS AT DOLPHINS – Usually, when I use a big number in a score,I am being facetious. Saints 53, Dolphins 20

BEARS AT BENGALS – Cedric Benson gains momentum with each of Jay Cutler’s three interceptions. Bengals 28, Bears 10

BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis hides in his garage until he sees a balloon and then he is carried away and adopted by a family planning a reality TV show – a fate actually worse than death.

CARDINALS AT GIANTS – Two weeks ago, the Giants were the best team in the NFL. Cardinals 30, Giants 20

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Jim Zorn is given a list of times he is allowed to go to the bathroom, but he’s still in charge of things in Washington. Eagles 23, Redskins 18

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This column is sponsored by reality television and dead brain cells.