The Mayans’ week 17 NFL picks, at the cusp of the year 2012, signal the end of the world. Or maybe the end of the NFL season. As if there is a difference.

As a Browns fan, the end of the season usually happens at the beginning of the season. It would be tough for me to know if the world ended or not, since my head has been buried under the sand for weeks. I always thought the world officially ends on the day you die, but decades of cheering for the Cleveland Browns has led me to believe that perhaps hell is right here on Earth. The Mayans make me angry.

It has all gone just as the Mayans predicted.

Newly uncovered evidence suggests that the Mayans have, in fact, predicted every NFL game in history correctly. These are the last of the Mayan NFL predictions on account of that end-of-the-world thing, Predicting next season would be useless, wrote the Mayans.

The Mayans were Cleveland Browns fans, of course, which means they hated and still hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they couldn’t help the future they saw – including scary things like how Iowa will make us all think it’s a Rick Santorum world, and we just live in it.

While Tebow versus Orton took up a significant amount of stone-carved text, in the end the Mayans were split on Tebow. Otherwise, the Mayans clearly predicted this is whatzgonnahappen.

LIONS AT PACKERS – The Lions need the game and the Packers most likely give Aaron Rodgers a lot of rest, but this game will still be fun and somehow mean something. Packers 29, Lions 27

TITANS AT TEXANS – The Oilers had more character than both of these teams combined. I hated the Oilers. Texans 23, Titans 17

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Colt droppings versus Jaguar droppings. The game smells. Jaguars 10, Colts 9

JETS AT DOLPHINS – Matt Moore is better than Mark Sanchez at this moment in time. The Dolphins karma is on the upswing. The Jets? Rex Ryan talks, karma listens. Dolphins 20, Jets 14

BEARS AT VIKINGS – I don’t care versus me neither. Some rivalry. Bears 21, Vikings 20

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Bills wonder what happened to the good Bills team from earlier in the season. The Patriots are full speed ahead in the first half. Patriots 31, Bills 20

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Happy new year! Look, fireworks on the scoreboard! Saints 39, Panthers 30

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – I am going to miss the dream team. This is their best game. Eagles 33, Redskins 23

49ers AT RAMS – The Rams cannot do much against the 49ers defense and each team has the persona of their coach. In the Rams case, it is of Steve Spagnulo walking a plank. 49Ers 29, Rams 13

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Raheem Morris is in line with Steve Spagnulo. The Falcons need a win going into the playoffs. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 15

RAVENS AT BENGALS – The soulless Ravens against the dumb Bengals and it actually means something to both teams. Is this an alternate universe? The New Year’s ball in Manhattan rolls to and then over Ray Lewis. Freak accident. Bengals 29, Ravens 27

STEELERS AT BROWNS – First play from scrimmage: the Browns throw a successful bomb. Yes, this is fantasy and the evil Steelers are too intimidated by the Browns to even agree to go to the playoffs. Yes, it’s hard to believe the Browns would throw a bomb. Browns 9, Steelers 6

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – John Skelton has a great NFL name, so I have to root for him in a game in which two mediocre teams are suddenly play okay or even alright. Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – The Chiefs will be more inspired by Romeo Crennell and Kyle Orton’s accurate passes than the Broncos will be by Tim Tebow running around hoping for something good to happen. Chiefs 20, Broncos 17

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – With the Broncos losing, Carson Palmer throws a game-winning touchdown pass to get the Raiders in the playoffs and get Al Davis’ ghost to smile. There’s got to be a ghost, right? Raiders 30, Chargers 26

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The playoff begin. Loser goes home. Victor Cruz goes to the end zone. Giants 29, Cowboys 23

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This column is sponsored by Santorum World, an amusement park.

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See www.briantarcy.com

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as these week 16 NFL picks are accurate.

How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if the NFL playoffs started without including the Cleveland Browns. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance… what do you mean, the Browns aren’t going to the playoffs?

That’s dreary!

Look Virginia, reports are that when Santa Claus left the North Pole he was wearing a Colt McCoy jersey under his red suit. A few years ago, he wore a Derek Anderson jersey, and  before that a Charlie Frye jersey under the suit. It’s true. Santa is a Browns fan.

It’s an under-reported fact that Santa Claus grew up in the snow belt of Cleveland. For those of you unfamiliar with Cleveland’s snow belt, think of it as being to snow as the Bible belt is to the Bible.  Full of it. Yes, Santa Claus comes from that much snow. This explains the cookies.

So you see, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus because why else would a fat old man fly around the world year after year giving gifts to every person in the world, or at least some of them, if it were not because the man was Browns fan trying to do anything to change his team’s luck.

Is Santa Claus real? Virginia, this is not 1997 or 1998 when the Cleveland Browns didn’t actually exist. Of course Santa Claus is real.

Santa’s favorite NFL team is not real good, so Santa sometimes gets confused. If you get a drill instead of a doll, it’s because Santa is sad about the Browns and not thinking straight. This doesn’t make Santa a bad person. Do you you understand, Virginia? Nothing is more real than Santa’s excruciating sadness about the state of his favorite football team so you should feel damn lucky you’re not getting coal.

Santa is as real as this is actually whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT COLTS – Tough luck Colts fans. Colts 19, Texans 16

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Two trick plays, a blown referee’s call, and a weird bounce of the football is the formula to a sure Browns victory. Ray Lewis is buried under reindeer droppings. Browns 20, Ravens 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – While the Vikings ponder their luck, Rex Grossman’s one-man stage show of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde continues. Redskins 27, Vikings 19

JAGUARS AT TITANS – While Blame Gabbert is this year’s Jimmy Clausen, Matt Hasselbeck is back to make Jaguar stew for Christmas. Titans 24, Jaguars 17

RAMS AT STEELERS – Charlie Batch fills in fine during this exhibition game. Steelers 24, Rams 10

GIANTS AT JETS – The Giants have to travel, but Eli Manning is better on the road than Mark Sanchez is at home. New York, New York, if you can make it there, you’re probably on the Giants 27, Jets 20

BRONCOS AT BILLS – On this day, God roots for the Buffalo Bills. That’s right, people, it’s time to go Fitzpatricking. Bills 23, Broncos 20

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Most of the Buccaneers are already home opening presents by the time the game begins. Panthers 30, Buccaneers 13

CARDINALS AT BENGALS – Interesting matchup of two young quarterbacks and two spectacular receivers from two snake-bitten franchises. Bengals 23, Cardinals 20

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Kansas City’s romance with Romeo is in full bloom. Chiefs 24, Raiders 22

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – In Miami, coal looks like Bill Belichick. Patriots 32, Dolphins 24

CHARGERS AT LIONS – Gentlemen, start the scoreboard. The touchdowns will be flying faster than Santa. In other words, this is going to be fun. Lions 40, Chargers 38

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – There is something, I don’t know what, that worries me about the 49ers. Whatever it is, it shows up in this game. Seahawks 17, 49ers 10

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – I don’t like either one of these teams so I hope they both lose. The Eagles are better at losing. It’s like a Christmas dream. Cowboys 30, Eagles 20

BEARS AT PACKERS – Perfect? How about a perfect blowout… Packers 34, Bears 12

FALCONS AT SAINTS – Saint Nick has a good day, so Drew Brees should find it just as easy. Saints 42, Falcons 32

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This column is sponsored by the Tinsel Workers Union.

These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?

What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.

Okay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.

Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We  have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.

Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999.  The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.

As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen

JAGUARS AT FALCONS – I don’t remember Thursday night.

COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Saturday was a long time ago.

PANTHERS AT TEXANS – T.J. Yates has Matt Schaub reading up on Wally Pipp. Texans 20, Panthers 10

TITANS AT COLTS – Nobody’s perfect this season except the Packers. Colts 13, Titans 10

PACKERS AT CHIEFS – I like Romeo Crennell, and Kyle Orton poses a bit of an early issue, but the Packers offense is dominant. Packers 24, Chiefs 17

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Marshawn Lynch has Bears 20, Seahawks 16

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Buffalo weather so I am back on the bandwagon. Plus the Dolphins are waiting for next year. Bills 20, Dolphins 19

SAINTS AT VIKINGS – Drew Brees is the definition of accurate. Saints 38, Vikings 24

BENGALS AT RAMS – AJ Green is ridiculous Bengals 24, Rams 17

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Eli is better when Peyton is not in the league. Giants 27, Redskins 20.

LIONS AT RAIDERS – Ndamkong Suh and Richard Seymour write a children’s book called, “I’ll Hurt You.” Lions 26, Raiders 10

BROWNS AT CARDINALS – The Seneca Wallace era begins. That’s right, it’s going to be an era. Browns 30, Cardinals 20

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – The Patriots should win 42-0. They won’t win because Tim Tebow inspires the Broncos defense to rush Tom Brady who throws an interception to an unnamed player who Tim Tebow cheers for as the player runs for a touchdown. Tebow cheering is the ESPN play of the week. Broncos 24, Patriots 21

JETS AT EAGLES – Disappointing versus humiliating. Disappointing wins. Jets 24, Eagles 20

RAVENS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are back? Back to nowhere, says I. The soulless Ravens remind Philip Rivers he is having a miserable season. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis has a fatal tinsel accident. Ravens 24, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT 49ers – The evil Steelers are better than the 49ers if Ben Roethlisberger plays. Steelers 17, 49ers 13

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This column is sponsored by “The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas,” and “I Saw Romney Kissing Santa Claus.”

If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t  remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – NBA commissioner David Stern voids Thursday’s game, and awards the Browns the victory. Browns 100, Steelers 0

COLTS AT RAVENS – The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is considering helping the Colts. Ray Lewis has fatal hiccups. Ravens 35, Colts 10

PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS – This is for the Albert Haynesworth Trophy – a box of nothing. Patriots 28, Redskins 20

SAINTS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson is brilliant again, but the Saints offense is better. Saints 29, Titans 24

CHIEFS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez throws an interception and Tyler Palko throws a touchdown pass because I want Palko to be better than Sanchez. Chiefs 20, Jets 17.

EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins went from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to good luck beating this team in less than two months. Dolphins 24, Eagles 21

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – His team stinks, but Cam Newton is already better than Matt Ryan. In this game, his team is better too. Panthers 27, Falcons 20

TEXANS AT BENGALS – Two teams going up the bell curve, but there’s only one T.J. Yates. Texans 20, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford takes himself in fantasy football. Lions 37, Vikings 20

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 16

BEARS AT BRONCOS – John Elway is developing Tebow envy. Broncos 17, Bears 13

49ers AT CARDINALS – Beanie Wells may take advantage of Patrick Willis absence, but the Alex Smith offense will be efficient enough to win. 49ers 24, Cardinals 15

RAIDERS AT PACKERS – The Packers are having the quietest perfect season ever. Ho hum, the Packers win again… Packers 32, Raiders 22

BILLS AT CHARGERS – Every year I jump on a bandwagon. The Bills ran the shoddiest bandwagon I’ve ever been on. I apologize for such an amateur move. Chargers 33, Bills 17

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Ahmad Bradshaw is back, and he is a very good football player. Giants 24, Cowboys 19

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll writes a Seahawks fight song that the team sings before every game. Seahawks 20, Rams 19

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This column is sponsored by bacon.

Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Meet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – The Nightmare Team will give up exactly 148 yards to Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 31, Eagles 14

TITANS AT BILLS – As soon as I jumped on the Buffalo bandwagon, the whole thing fell apart. That’s heavy. Titans 20, Bills 13

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are favored by 20.5 points. That’s like Wall Street versus Occupy Wall Street. If this was grade school, the slaughter rule would be in effect. Patriots 49, Colts 19

JETS AT REDSKINS – Journeyman Rex Grossman outplays soon-to-be journeyman Mark Sanchez. Redskins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are horrible, but they can’t lose six straight. Can they? Buccaneers 24, Panthers 21

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Late in the game, Andy Dalton will drive the surprising Bengals down the field to take the lead, but then Ben Roethlisberger will do the same to give the evil Steelers the win. Steelers 21, Bengals 17

CHIEFS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton puts on a black shirt and tries to sneak to the Bears sideline. Bears 13, Chiefs 7

FALCONS AT TEXANS – And that, kids, is how the legend of T.J. Yates began. Texans 30, Falcons 20

RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Something still doesn’t feel right about the Raiders’ karma, and the Dolphins have found out how to win enough this year to hurt next year’s draft. Dolphins 23, Raiders 20

BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – The Broncos defense dominates and Tim Tebow gets the credit and tons more press across the league. A small country in east Asia renames itself Tebowland. Broncos 20, Vikings 7

RAVENS AT BROWNS – The Baltimore Ravens existence is a forever a travesty, therefore Peyton Hillis shall play as if he is deserving of the cover of Madden. Ray Lewis eats bad  airline food. Browns 24, Ravens 20

RAMS AT 49ers – If the Rams pull an upset, the NFL makes no sense. The NFL makes sense, and logic for a 49ers win is overwhelming. 49ers 28, Rams 10.

PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers season is like an old-fashioned Midwest assembly line. Next… Packers 34, Giants 20

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS – Kevin Kolb, Beanie Wells, and Tony Romo’s mistakes put an end to the Dallas winning streak. Cardinals 29, Cowboys 24

LIONS AT SAINTS – Mark Ingram, Pierre Thomas and Darren Sproles do some Suggesturizing of their own. Saints 32, Lions 17

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS – Norv Turner has Jack Del Rio envy. Jaguars 12, Chargers 10

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This column is sponsored by Northerners for Global Warming.

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See www.briantarcy.com

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Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.

The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.

Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.

The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.

The turkey admits the following facts:

1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”

The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:

1) turkey tastes good

The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.

The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.

Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.”

PACKERS AT LIONS – The Packers aren’t winning every game this year. The Lions will show the NFL something on Thanksgiving. The Packers are a better team, but not this turkey day. Aaron Rodgers is human when pressured. Lions 37, Packers 27

DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – Matt Moore’s bubble bursts in Dallas, where Tony Regular-Season Romo continues his November dominance. Cowboys 34, Dolphins 10.

49eRS AT RAVENS – Two brothers coaching against each other means a vase gets broken and the upholstery on the sofa gets ripped. Those kids! Jim was a better player, therefore he’s a better coach. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis overdoses on tryptophan. 49ers 20, Ravens 17

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Matt Leinart versus Blaine Gabbart is a matchup that no one will be fondly recalling years from now. Texans 12, Jaguars 9

PANTHERS AT COLTS – The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. Panthers 28, Colts 17

BROWNS AT BENGALS – For half the season Colt McCoy liked like a career backup with  wobbly, inaccurate passes, and then last week he looked almost like Drew Brees. In my Shangri-La, McCoy is a great quarterback and Andy Dalton is not. Browns 28, Bengals 21

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – The Vikings are going nowhere and the Falcons help them get there. Falcons 32, Vikings 14

BILLS AT JETS – At Thanksgiving dinner, Rex Ryan flips the bird, but the Bills are turkeys without Fred Jackson. Jets 20, Bills 12

BUCCANEERS AT TITANS – LeGarrette Blount is the brand name of a bulldozer. Buccaneers 23, Titans 20

CARDINALS AT RAMS – Tough to pick between Sam Bradford and John Skelton, and that says more about Bradford than it does about Skelton. Rams 14, Cardinals 9

BEARS AT RAIDERS – Caleb Hanie shines. Carson Palmer implodes. The Bears have Cinderella for one week. Bears 24, Raiders 21

REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – The Redskins can usually find a way to lose. Rex Grossman helps the cause, as will Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 20, Redskins 17

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – What do you call someone who prays for Tim Tebow to lose? Broncos 17, Chargers 14

PATRIOTS AT EAGLES – The Patriots are way more than a mirage but a little less than the real thing. The Eagles are a nightmare. Patriots 30, Eagles 19

STEELERS AT CHIEFS – Tyler Palko sees Kyle Orton and thinks “this guy couldn’t even beat out Tim Tebow.” Steelers 27, Chiefs 10

GIANTS AT SAINTS – Eli Manning is good but Drew Brees is better. Brees also has better weapons and Karma. Saints 29, Giants 23

This column is sponsored by gravy.

Press Release – After much bickering, the bipartisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee offered these Week 11 NFL Picks to save the the 2011 Cleveland Browns, and the nation.

In the course of deliberations, the Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee split evenly between the six who vehemently urged the team to start winning, and the six who screamed at the team to quit losing. The printer of stationary heard the six who screamed, thus the formal committee name.

Peripherally, the committee is deeply split on Tim Tebow’s 1933 offense, whether the Packers can have a perfect season, and which Ryan brother would win a pie-eating contest. The committee has split every vote except one.

The Quit-Losing Super Committee unanimously agreed that a winning Cleveland Browns franchise is in the best interest of the nation. The Super Committee formally declared that as goes the Cleveland Browns, so goes the nation.

The Super Committee would like it noted that, as an example of a super committee, this one is super. The committee possesses super important people – 12 Cleveland Browns fans, including a superintendent and a supervisor. The committee understands how important it is to America that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.

In essence, the Cleveland Browns are too big to fail.

Therefore, the bi-partisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee plans to explore whether the committee’s name implies that it has super powers. Whereas, if the Super Committee has super powers, the Super Committee shall use those powers to create a winning 2011 Cleveland Browns winning team in order to save America. This is the formal plan submitted by the Super Committee.

The Super Committee expects that it saved the nation with these Week 11 NFL picks and its aggressive use of superpowers. The committee welcomed the nation’s gratitude and offered this: “Seriously, that’s whatzgonnahappen.”

JETS AT BRONCOS – Tim Tebow has a severe case of Doug Flutie syndrome. And yes, I am often correct for the Thursday games. Rex Ryan’s defense can’t stop a college offense. Broncos 17, Jets 20

JAGUARS AT BROWNS – Browns backup tight end Alex Smith starts the game at quarterback. Later, Smith, not Phil Dawson, is sent in to kick a field goal. Browns 20, Jaguars 17

BENGALS AT RAVENS  – Everyone is selling that the Bengals will fold, but I ain’t buying. The Bengals look legitimate. Meanwhile, a turkey hunter sees Ray Lewis and shoots a turkey. Bengals 24, Ravens 23

BYE AT COLTS – Curtis Painter drops his sandwich, throws away an important piece of mail, and has six sacks of groceries.

PANTHERS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford is good, but is he good enough? Cam Newton will be. Lions 27, Panthers 13

BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – The Midwest manufacturer of touchdowns is working at full capacity. Packers 39, Buccaneers 10

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – As soon as I jumped on the Bills bandwagon, it jumped off the tracks. So I want to be clear that I am off the bandwagon which means I think they are going to win because I really think they are going to lose. I see how it works now. Or do I? Bills 30, Dolphins 10

BYE AT SAINTS – Sean Payton takes crutch guitar lessons.

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – The Redskins are angling for a draft pick, and DeMarco Murray will help their losing cause. Cowboys 24, Redskins 10

RAIDERS AT VIKINGS – Carson Palmer should take advantage of a Vikings defense that brings wrapping paper and ribbons to the stadium so they can gift wrap touchdowns. Raiders 28, Vikings 14

BYE AT STEELERS – The Terrible Towel factory is hit by a flood, earthquake, the plague, a civil war, and the Kardashians.

CARDINALS AT 49ers – Michael Crabtree is great, but he’s not Larry Fitzgerald. Alex Smith still needs a big weapon, but not in this game. 49ers

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Steven Jackson outruns Marshawn Lynch. Rams 17, Seahawks 13

BYE AT TEXANS – Doctors in Houston note a correlation between people wearing Texans jerseys and getting injured.

TITANS AT FALCONS – Mike Smith, for giggles, tries as many bad decisions he can come up with but he can’t find a way to lose this one. Falcons 30, Titans 10

CHARGERS AT BEARS – Julius Peppers haunt Philip Rivers dreams, and then he haunts pocket. Bears 27, Chargers 17

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Now it’s almost pathetic. The Eagles aren’t this bad, are they? Eagles 24, Giants 20

CHIEFS AT PATRIOTS – Imagine that Tyler Palco is the next Tom Brady type story. Imagine unicorns. Patriots 35, Chiefs 9

This column is sponsored by 2nd Place in the GOP presidential race.

The United States Department of Um, created by Texas Governor Rick Perry, would like to celebrate our 3-day anniversary by offering these Week 10 NFL picks and, um.

This Department doesn’t care if Donovan McNabb fails any more than if Philip Rivers fails. The one NFL player this Department wants to fail is…. Well actually, this department has no records of which player it wants to fail. Sorry, oops.

The Department, by direction of the Founding Fathers, according to our records, pledges full faith that the Cleveland Browns are about to win the Super Bowl because… Actually, maybe the Department believes the Browns are never going to win the Super Bowl. Much of the Department’s mandate is unknown.

The Department of Um has only had time to evaluate half of the games it is picking. Rest assured that those games were studied thoroughly and the predictions of those games are based on sound data. Those are the games to really bet on. Unfortunately, Department computers that stored which games have been studied have been irreparably damaged.

There is this announcement. The Federal Department of Um is pleased to honor Albert Haynesworth as the best prepared NFL player of first half of the 2011 NFL season.

Finally, the one thing that the the United States Department of Um wants to know is, um, whatzgonnahappen.

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Thursday games periodically help my accuracy. It’s peculiar, and hard to explain. Raiders 24, Chargers 17.

RAMS AT BROWNS – The Browns are destined to dominate the Aquarian Age, which started on 11/11/11. Okay, how about the Browns, with 3 wins, are three times better than the 1-win Rams? How about the Browns are able to tackle Steven Jackson? Yeah, I didn’t think you’d buy that one. The best I’ve got is the Age of Aquarius. Browns 20, Rams 17

STEELERS AT BENGALS – I may have to remember to hate the Bengals instead of just ridiculing them. Can anyone help me with this? Bengals 26 Steelers 17

SAINTS AT FALCONS – Darren Sproles will torch the Falcons but Julio Jones proves he was worthy of the number 6 pick in the draft. Falcons 27, Saints 24

TITANS AT PANTHERS – An old quarterback on his last legs against a young quarterback who has potential to be the best in the NFL. Panthers 21, Titans 17

BILLS AT COWBOYS – The Bills looked like their old selves last week but that was a blip, or I don’t know anything about finding a bandwagon. Bills 28, Cowboys 21

JAGUARS AT COLTS – The Colts are not losing every game, even though they’d like to lose very game. Colts 24, Jaguars 20

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – What happens when one roller coaster races another roller coaster? This week, the one carrying the holy roller wins. Broncos 29, Chiefs 23

REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Who wants Andrew Luck when Matt Moore is your roster? Dolphins 20, Redskins 13

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – It’s better if the Eagles almost make the playoffs. So sure, they win this week. Eagles 29 Cardinals 10

TEXANS AT BUCCANEERS – Ben Tate and Arian Foster will stop and offer ice cream to Albert Haynesworth on their way to the end zone. Texans 27, Buccaneers 20

RAVENS AT SEAHAWKS – So now Joe Flacco is Joe Cool? Wrong. Snoopy is Joe Cool. Joe Flacco is an average NFL quarterback. Meanwhile, invited to lunch with the candidate, Ray Lewis was the third person Rick Perry meant to tell that the soup was poisoned. Ravens 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT BEARS – I don’t trust either quarterback in this statement game. I do trust Detroit’s defense. Lions 20, Bears 12

GIANTS AT 49eRS – I’ve seen lots of coaches try to write a story like the Alex Smith story – a bust saved by new coaching. Jim Harbaugh has actually pulled it off. Amazing. Plus, Frank Gore helps. 49ers 24, Giants 17

PATRIOTS AT JETS – One one hand, Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of a generation. On the other hand, I am still bitter that he cut Bernie Kosar. On that same hand, he hasn’t won a Super Bowl without Tom Brady or Lawrence Taylor starting for him. For that reason alone, the Patriots deserve to lose their third in a row. Jets 28, Patriots 14

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Maybe Brett Favre will make a comeback for this one. Packers 41, Vikings 20

This column is sponsored by Joe Paterno School of Ethics.

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Did you ever notice that my week 9 picks seem heaven-sent? I spent my life as a New York Giants fan but then I went to heaven and discovered this place is littered with Cleveland Browns fan. It turns that the meek really do inherit the Earth.

Browns fans are a very meek group, sort of like Greek politicians. But I am not here to talk about how the crisis in Greece threatens the health of the world economy any more than I am here to talk about how the Browns crisis at quarterback threatens the mental health of those I call, “the living meek.”

You know what drives me crazy? Peyton Hillis, the first genuine hero character that Browns have had since Bernie Kosar, turns out to be acting weirder than Rick Perry after a couple whiskeys. And then it turns out that 15 percent of all Americans are living in poverty, but for those who are Dolphins fans, it is worse.

And while the top 1 percent of all Americans are millionaire Packers fans, millionaire Colts fans don’t have it nearly as bad as you might think. Peyton Manning, their trust fund, has been taken away from them for a year. If they get Andrew Luck, their downfall will last significantly shorter than a Kardashian wedding. From heaven, this is Andy Rooney and that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT TEXANS – For a celebrity, Peyton Hillis is the invisible man. The Browns will win this week because, um, because everyone turns the clocks back and it is no longer Touchdown Savings Time. Plus Colt McCoy will play like he’s back in Texas. Browns 24, Texans 21

JETS AT BILLS – Chan Gailey, the under-appreciatedd head coach, Ryan Fitzpatrick, the blue collar quarterback from Harvard, and Fred Jackson, the undrafted running back from Coe College, are part of my new second favorite team. Joe Namath would probably agree they are doing things the right way in Buffalo. Bills 31, Jets 21

SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – Pete Carroll is so frustrated, he’s almost ready to go back to coaching professional college players. Cowboys 27, Seahawks 17

BYE AT PATHERS – Jimmy Clausen has Mel Kiper over for humble pie.

FALCONS AT COLTS – Matt Ryan should have an easy time with the Colts defense. He won’t. I smell a crazy upset. Colts 26, Falcons 13

DOLPHINS AT CHIEFS – The Dolphins are leading until the end of the game. Rinse and repeat. Chiefs 24, Dolphins 23

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Two flawed teams but the Saints are less flawed. Saints 29, Buccaneers 21

49eRS AT REDSKINS – Mike Shanahan is forced to turn in his “Genius” pin and go sit over in the corner with Brian Billick. 49ers 21, Redskins 17

BYE AT LIONS – Ndamakung Suh takes a night class in voodoo, and gets a quarterback voodoo doll so he can torture quarterbacks on his off weeks.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Tim Tebow is wondering what the heck God is thinking. Raiders 30, Broncos 10

BENGALS AT TITANS – Andy Dalton to AJ Green looks real, and yet they play for the Bengals. How can that be? Bengals 17, Titans 6

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Although it’s the Steven Jackson show, John Skelton is in the final act. Cardinals 22, Rams 19

BYE AT JAGUARS – Brian Robiskie to the rescue? Really?

GIANTS AT PATRIOTS – How do you get revenge for a Super Bowl loss? By beating the same team four years later in a game in early November. Patriots 30, Giants 21

PACKERS AT CHARGERS – A lot of people are picking the upset in this game. Not me. I am not part of a lot of people. Packers 31, Chargers 20

BYE AT VIKINGS – The Vikings convince themselves that they have the best 2-6 record in the history of the NFL.

RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ray Lewis gets caught between an Occupy protester and an angry politician. He also gets caught watching Ben Roethlisberger throw two touchdown passes. Steelers 20, Ravens 16

BEARS AT EAGLES – The dream team has a dream come true. They play against Jay Cutler. Eagles 27, Bears 20

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This column is sponsored by the Herman Cain Dating Manuel, for sale soon.

Rick Perry, dressed in a Tim Tebow jersey for the Halloween GOP debate, proclaimed his  week 8 NFL picks to be his economic plan. “Trick or treat,” he said. A choir brandishing handguns and wearing New York Jets helmets sang holy halleluiahs behind him. Perry said he would choose Rex Ryan as his running mate.

Michele Bachman only wanted to talk about Tim Tebow. She declared that Tebow was her personal savior in her fantasy football league. Bachman said her belief in Tebow would always guide her NFL picks once she moved into the White House and painted it to look like Tebow’s #15 jersey.

Herman Cain, wearing a customized 9-9-9 Tebow Jersey, declared that week 8 in the NFL is like apples compared to week 9, which is like oranges. Then he said that Tim Tebow is like pizza.

Every Republican at the debate, with the exception of Ron Paul, wore a Tim Tebow jersey and each declared that Barack Obama was not a true Tebow fan. Rick Santorum yelled, “I am wearing a Tim Tebow jersey!”

Mitt Romney wore a Tebow jersey, but underneath it he wore an Kyle Orton jersey just in case he needed to change his mind again. Newt Gingrich asked people to buy his new book about Tim Tebow. Jon Huntsman said something but no one paid attention to anything except that he, also, wore a Tebow jersey.

Ron Paul smirked and said that, “It’s time for you people to face reality. Tim Tebow is not a viable NFL quarterback.”

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – I was going to study hard and come up with an educated prediction for this game, but Donovan McNabb suggested I just wing it. Panthers, 27, Vikings 20

SAINTS AT RAMS – The Saints score 50 points by halftime and declare the second half to be an extra bye week. Saints 50, Rams 14

BYE AT FALCONS – Tony Gonzalez catches a cab. Then he catches a movie.

COLTS AT TITANS – The Colts are winning until the last seconds when Jim Irsay calls the Buffalo Wild Wings hotline to keep him in the hunt for Andrew Luck. Titans 21, Colts 20.

CARDINALS AT RAVENS – The occupy Ray Lewis movement has a casualty. Kevin Kolb could be called that as well. Ravens 27, Cardinals 16

BYE AT BEARS – Matt Forte becomes a squeegee man to make ends meet.

DOLPHINS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning looks at the schedule and sees this week’s game printed on a big cardboard check. Yes, he is a sweepstakes winner. Giants 23, Dolphins 17

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Maurice Jones Drew versus the Houston Texans. Is that fair? Texans 27, Jaguars 17

BYE AT PACKERS – The best team in the NFL has very impressively avoided the cliché Super Bowl hangover.

LIONS AT BRONCOS – Ndamukong Suh is Tebowing after every sack. Lions 34, Broncos 10

REDSKINS AT BILLS at TORONTO – Ryan Fitzpatrick will have a big day and the Bills should win by 10 or so, depending on the cross-border touchdown exchange rate. Bills 30, Redskins 20

BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan takes over as CEO of Apple and invents the iMouth, which tells Rex Ryan that he could have done anything he hasn’t done.

BROWNS AT 49ers – On recent Sundays, Peyton Hillis played Madden while Colt McCoy was channeling his inner Charlie Frye. But I’m not buying the Alex Smith resurgence. Pat Shurmur has more fun shaking hands than Jim Harbaugh. Browns 19, 49ers 17

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Bombs away in a fun shootout. Patriots 45, Steelers 41

BYE AT RAIDERS – After last weeks’ debacle, the Raiders try something different. They introduce the quarterback to the team before the next game. “This is Carson. Everyone say ‘hi’ to Carson.”

BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Josh Freeman presents the David Letterman Top 10 List – “My Top 10 interceptions so far.”

BENGALS AT SEAHAWKS – Andy Dalton has a nightmare game when it suddenly dawns on him that he is a Bengal. Seahawks 23, Bengals 6

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – DeMarco Murray will have some big plays the but Eagles will have more. And Tony Romo will flounder while Michael Vick finishes. Eagles 27, Cowboys 22

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – It’s always tough to play in Kansas City but the Chargers are due to explode. Chargers 35, Chiefs 24

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