These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT EAGLES – Paper bag head coverings required at all Eagle games. Bengals 34, Eagles 13

REDSKINS AT BROWNS – Robert Griffin III, or Kirk Cousins, gets smothered by the Browns defense. Josh Gordon, already the best Browns receiver in decades, scores three touchdowns. Browns Super Bowl parade plans begin to take shape. Browns 40, Redskins 20

GIANTS AT FALCONS – One team has a backbone, and the other is the Falcons. Giants 31, Falcons 21

VIKINGS AT RAMS – Adrian Peterson is super awesome. Sam Bradford is better than adequate. But Christian Ponder is Santa Claus, giving the game away. Rams 17, Vikings 14

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Jonathan Vilma, A Football Life, coming soon on The NFL Network. Saints 51, Buccaneers 41

JAGUARS AT DOLPHINS – I suppose people in Florida care about this, but if I’m in Florida and this game is going on, I am heading to the beach with the radio off. Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17

COLTS AT TEXANS – The Colts and Texans compare We-got-our-ass-whipped-by-the-Patriots notes. Texans 30, Colts 23

PACKERS AT BEARS – For me, the Packers remain the most dangerous team in the NFC. The Bears, at times, can be almost that good. Packers 40, Bears 38

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – Fire the offensive coordinator? Check. Win? Win? Bueller? And then Ray Lewis is mugged by a gang mall elves. Broncos 25, Ravens 23

PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – The sun sets in the west. Panthers 29, Chargers 23

SEAHAWKS AT BILLS – In my gut, I feel an upset. Either that, or someone fed me bad bacon. Bills 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT CARDINALS – No sane person would pick the Cardinals to win. Cardinals 24, Lions 20

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – At halftime, the two teams throw rocks at each other. Raiders 9, Chiefs 6

STEELERS AT COWBOYS – Two very untrustworthy teams. Overall, the Cowboys should be better. Yeah, middle of December against a peripheral AFC playoff team is about as big of a win as the Cowboys are capable of. Cowboys 27, Steelers 24

49ers AT PATRIOTS – For the last few weeks, it’s been all red carpets and roses for the Patriots offense. This may be a little tougher of a game, but watching Tom Brady is like watching Michael Jordan. Awwwww and then some. Patriots 30, 49ers 17

JETS AT TITANS – This is what passes for Monday Night Football – another Sanchez butt tackle? Another American institution in ruins. Titans 21, Jets 20

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These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – The Little League “mercy rule” is invoked, after Carson Palmer spends the day as Santa Claus, giving away gifts. Broncos 35, Raiders 10

CHIEFS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli walk into a bar. Wouldn’t you? Brandon Weeden, Trent Richardson and Josh Gordon are maybe, hopefully, possibly, could be old-school football triplets. Browns 40, Chiefs 20

RAMS AT BILLS – The Rams are almost good. The Bills are almost bad. Rams 24, Bills 20

RAVENS AT REDSKINS – RGIII is looking more like a magician every week. He might even be good enough to counteract Daniel Snyder’s bad karma. Ray Lewis attends a lifeguard party, and drowns. Redskins 21, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – A random drawing is held to see who the Eagles fire next. Everyone wants to “win” that lottery. Buccaneers 31, Eagles 13

CHARGERS AT STEELERS – It’s Charlie Batch’s world; people in Pittsburgh just live in it. Steelers 27, Chargers 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson has an old school OJ Simpson kind of game. Not even Christian Ponder can mess that up. Vikings 28, Bears 17

FALCONS  AT PANTHERS – NASA is keeping track of Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. Falcons 42, Panthers 30

COWBOYS AT BENGALS – In a battle of the extremely mediocre, the Bengals are hot so they are due to lose. Cowboys 24, Bengals 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember the Titans? Didn’t think so. Colts 27, Titans 20

JETS AT JAGUARS – In the second quarter, Mark Sanchez is replaced by Woody Allen, who throws two touchdown passes and then says, “I wouldn’t play for any team that would have me as quarterback.” Jets 26, Jaguars 23

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s bust for the Hall of Fame is commissioned in butter. 49ers 26, Dolphins 14

SAINTS AT GIANTS – The Saints have run out of gas. Plus it’s December so the sleeping Giants are waking up. Giants 33, Saints 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson wins a midget throwing contest. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

LIONS AT PACKERS – Ndamukong Suh is nominated for Secretary of State. Packers 40, Lions 33

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots use the old Decoy Bacon play, in which fat lineman chase a ball carrier who doesn’t really have the ball. Patriots 35, Texans 20

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These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Okay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT FALCONS – Mathematically, the Falcons keep winning close games plus the Saints have some weird interception karma equals: Falcons 31, Saints 28

TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans are coming off of a long rest, and the Titans are extremely mediocre. This is not any given Sunday, it’s this Sunday. Texans 32, Titans 10

COLTS AT LIONS – The Colts are chasing a playoff berth and the Lions are out, proving the NFL is unpredictable. Anyone who even tries to predict is an idiot. Colts 31, Lions 21

JAGUARS AT BILLS – Chad Henne went to Michigan. Tom Brady went to Michigan. See the similarity? Jaguars 27, Bills 24

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Bears eat Seahawks for breakfast. I saw it on the nature channel. Bears 23, Seahawks 13

49ers AT RAMS – When Alex Smith is 90, the future Kansas City Chief still won’t forgive Jim Harbaugh for ruining the best opportunity of his life. 49ers 31, Rams 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – I don’t understand either one of these teams, so I certainly can’t understand how Minnesota goes into Green Bay and wins, but they do. Vikings 27, Packers 20

PANTHERS AT CHIEFS – The mathematician Euclid proved Brady Quinn plus Peyton Hillis plus Romeo Crennel equals angry fans. Panthers 24, Chiefs 16

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots have scored 108 points in the last two weeks, so expect another average Patriots win. Patriots 54, Dolphins 20

CARDINALS AT JETS – Now that Fireman Ed has left, Tim Tebow finally has a place with the Jets… in the stands. Jets 20, Cardinals 17

BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – I am always the last to notice things, but I think Peyton Manning is back. Broncos 42, Buccaneers 30

BROWNS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden moves to Lyndhurst and coaches Brush High, and therefore gets an ownership stake in the Browns. Browns 45, Raiders 21

BENGALS AT CHARGERS – It’s so bad in San Diego that at the end of the game, Norv Turner’s face finally melts like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bengals 31, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Two weeks ago, Charlie Batch was taking dementia drugs in a retirement home. Ray Lewis early comeback is so inspirational that he decides to become a missionary, and that’s how he was captured and killed by pygmies. Ravens 24, Steelers 13

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The cliff-falling Eagles are in town. Even the Cowboys can’t screw this up. Cowboys 33, Eagles 3

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – There will be salsa dancing. Sacks. Spectacular plays by a spectacular rookie. Television loves it. The NFL loves it. You will love it. At it’s core, it’s a dirty rivalry reborn. Redskins 31, Giants 30

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These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.

Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.

I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?

It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.

What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.

So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!

Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?

I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.

Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.

Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT LIONS – A long time ago, the Lions always seemed to have magic on Thanksgiving. This time, there is no magic, just a team on short rest coming out of an overtime game. Lions 27, Texans 24

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Tony Romo is Mr. November. Cowboys 31, Redskins 22

PATRIOTS AT JETS – In the fourth quarter Tom Brady throws five touchdown passes as Rex Ryan melts like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Patriots 70, Jets 10

STEELERS AT BROWNS – After last week’s visit to a previously unknown corner of Cleveland sports hell, I am giving thanks that the Steelers are on their third string quarterback. It’s almost a fair match now. Browns 30, Steelers 10

BILLS AT COLTS – The Colts got beat up by New England last week, but Buffalo is not New England any more than this week is last week. Colts 27, Bills 24

RAIDERS AT BENGALS – It turns out that Carson Palmer’s holdout never ended. He plays, but he’s holding out. Bengals 23, Raiders 13

VIKINGS AT BEARS – I always give grief to Jay Cutler. But then I saw Jason Campbell play. Still unknown on Cutler, but I say he plays and the Bears win. Bears 26, Vikings 20

TITANS AT JAGUARS – All aboard the Chad Henne express. Jaguars 24, Titans 17

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – The Falcons are a better team but the Buccaneers feel hotter. Buccaneers 37, Falcons 30

SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill outplays Russell Wilson, mostly because Reggie Bush decides to show up. Dolphins 23, Seahawks 13

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Hillary Clinton is called in to help stop the carnage. Broncos 45, Chiefs 13

RAVENS AT CHARGERS – Ray Lewis has a tryptophan overdose. Ed Reed throws $50,000 out the window, and then he hits himself in the head. For no reason at all…. Chargers 31, Ravens 20

49ers AT SAINTS – Colin Kaepernick looked ridiculously good on Monday night. Drew Brees looks that way every week. And Jim Harbaugh just screwed up the season. Saints 35, 49ers 13

RAMS AT CARDINALS – How did the Cardinals beat the Patriots in New England, and why didn’t I know that that was the only given Sunday. Rams 20, Cardinals 10

PACKERS AT GIANTS – One train is going north. One train is stalled. Packers 30. Giants 17

PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Andy Reid’s mustache holds a press conference declaring Andy has quit but it is sticking around to finish out the season. Panthers 36, Eagles 3

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These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

This week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen.

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Fitzpatrick is currently the better Ryan. I thought the score would be higher, but even I could have predicted a Ryan Tannehill interception to lose the game. Bills 19, Dolphins 14

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Since October 1, the Buccaneers are averaging 36 points a game. Numbers do lie, but not this week. Buccaneers 36, Panthers 26

BROWNS AT COWBOYS – The Browns are excruciatingly close to breaking through. I worry the uncertain drama of the new owner could hurt this year’s karma. But the dysfunctional Cowboys are Jets Lite. Browns 24, Cowboys 21

BYE AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson, the bionic man, fight crime in the bye week.

PACKERS AT LIONS – I’ve lost all faith in the Lions and I’ve gained a lot of faith back in the Packers. Packers 37, Lions 24

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – On any given Sunday in the NFL, a team favored by 15 can win by 30. Texans 40, Jaguars 10

BYE AT GIANTS – Tom Coughlin blames the November swoon on Victor Cruz’ mom.

CARDINALS AT FALCONS – This is as if an actual falcon fought an actual cardinal. Falcons 39, Cardinals 19

BENGALS AT CHIEFS – The Bengals are unreliable. The Chiefs can beat them if they don’t beat themselves. Chiefs 17, Bengals 14

BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson buys platform shoes.

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Every ten minutes, Michael Vick calls Robert Griffin III to warn him that football is dangerous. Ten minutes later, he calls again. Redskins 24, Eagles 20

JETS AT RAMS – After his fifth interception of the day, Mark Sanchez smiles and says, “I’m the starting quarterback. The team has no other choice.” Rams 24, Jets 13

BYE AT TITANS – On average, Chris Johnson has a good week.

SAINTS AT RAIDERS – The Saints are on a roll and the Raiders stink. Classic trap game for a team with no defense. Raiders 30, Saints 28

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Norv Turner designs plays for Philip Rivers to throw to both cornerbacks, both safeties and any time a backup linebacker appears. Broncos 31, Chargers 20

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – How real is Andrew Luck? He marches into Foxboro and beats Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. For real. Actually, it’s the Patriots defense that is really bad. Colts 33, Patriots 30

RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger, frightened by his injury, begins his memoir, “My Best Pickup Lines.” Ray Lewis calls the cable company and is put on infinite hold.
Ravens 27, Steelers 13

BEARS AT 49ers – Backup, or forward? The 49ers are in better shape, but the Bears are in better shape than last year. Jay Campbell will win some games. Not this game, but some games. 49ers 21, Bears 17

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These week 10 NFL Picks call on our divided nation to stop the partisan bickering and help  the Cleveland Browns go forward. Four more years of this? Really?

That’s what you want? Me and John Boehner spitting at each week after week other over the Browns offensive game plan? Fine, let me read Sharia law and see what I should do now. Food stamps for everybody! I’ll call the United Nations for advice after I marry the love of my life, Hugo Chavez. Hey, I just sold Kansas to China! I’m kidding, Rush.

No one knows it, but Rush Limbaugh and I are good friends. I am good for his career and, well, he has been great for mine.

But I am talking about the future of the Cleveland Browns and how I plan to get them to the upcoming Super Bowl. This is why you elected me. I watched the results. Thank you Cuyahoga County!

Hope and dreams? No. Reality and science. This campaign to get the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl in New Orleans is based on arithmetic, and now that America has endorsed my quest to restore the Cleveland Browns to greatness, all I can say is, forward.

Oh, I said that already? Well, forward pass. Or run. Either way, you should know that my opponent, Mitt Romney called and congratulated me and he said you should pray for me. That’s the first good idea he’s ever had.

I am glad that he was gracious in defeat. The Cleveland Browns are often gracious in defeat. Perhaps a bit too often. Maybe we should pray for them too. Or maybe they should just take a page from my campaign, and attack the teams that are rich with wins, and force them to pay their fair share of losses. That’s right, I am a socialist. You are surprised?

Finally, I would especially like to thank those visiting from France and Kenya who voted early and often. Sure, I stole the election. You are surprised? No, you are not surprised. You vote, and, no matter what they say, you determine whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT JAGUARS – The Good Karma Express is about to run over a dead cat. Colts 24, Jaguars 14

BRONCOS AT PANTHERS – Peyton Manning is on a roll. Cam Newton is on a couch talking about his problems. Broncos 28, Panthers 14

BYE AT BROWNS – Drawing up plans for the Super Bowl parade.

GIANTS AT BENGALS – November is never kind to the Giants. But the Bengals are. Giants 30, Bengals 20

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins find it easy to right their ship because the Titans are a sinking ship. Dolphins 27, Titans 17

BYE AT CARDINALS – Larry Fitzgerald tries puts a uniform on the Jugs machine, then tells the coach he found a new quarterback.

LIONS AT VIKINGS – The momentum see-saw has see-sawed. Lions 30, Vikings 28

RAIDERS AT RAVENS – The Raiders can’t stop anybody. The Ravens are anybody. Ray Lewis mistakenly befriends a linebacker-killing serial killer. Ravens 28, Raiders 20

BYE AT PACKERS – Obamacare is in full effect in Wisconsin.

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Some years, the Bills give the Patriots trouble. This is not one of those years. Patriots 38, Bills 17

CHARGERS AT BUCCANEERS – I believe in momentum, and I believe the Chargers victory over the Chiefs last week doesn’t count towards that. Buccaneers 30, Chargers 10

BYE AT REDSKINS – The real Redskins rule is that Daniel Snyder will somehow find a way to mess things up.

FALCONS AT SAINTS – The Saints, who I used to really like, annoy me. The Falcons, who used to annoy me, I like. Falcons 38, Saints 31

JETS AT SEAHAWKS – Mark Sanchez used to play for Pete Carroll. One way or another, Mark Sanchez will soon be past tense with Rex Ryan too. Seahawks 20, Jets 17

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – The Prozac Bowl. When did Andy Reid morph into Yosemite Sam?  Cowboys 17, Eagles 13

RAMS AT 49ers – The Rams are coming off of a bye week. So are the 49ers. Goodbye Rams. 49ers 28, Rams 14

TEXANS AT BEARS – The Bears defense is opportunistic, but the Texans won’t offer any opportunities. Jay Cutler might. Texans 21, Bears 20

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – I thought nationally televised executions were illegal. Steelers 41, Chiefs 20

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These week 9 NFL picks should be worried about the zombie apocalypse election now that Frankenstorm has passed. But the Cleveland Browns won, so no worries.

According to a tweet from a twit, FEMA officially tweaked Tim Tebow to treat the blown away and loss-flooded New York Jets, while fat partisan gridlock caused by the large heroic presence of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has saved thousands of lives of Jets fans who planned to toss themselves off of the George Washington Bridge. Tremendous! Or terrifying. One of those.

None of this is true, except for the parts that are. I do have worries. I hide them well. Freak storms and big elections scare me. I’ve seen the damage both can do, and so it is more fun to worry about the little things, like whether my favorite football team has finally turned the corner. The Cleveland Browns won last week. No worries.

The ancient Mayans are supposed to worry me. It’s getting to that time of year again. Another end of the world is almost here, or did the ancient Mayans predict something bad about the Cleveland Browns? Either way, the ancient Mayans were wrong, dead wrong. The Browns are way better than the ancient Mayans thought they’d be. Therefore the ancient Mayans were wrong. The ancient Mayans are also dead. That equals dead wrong.

Speaking of dead wrong, the upcoming zombie apocalypse election is being billed by the lamestream media as a mere election. Some call it the most important election of our lifetime. But few have the courage to call it what it is, a zombie apocalypse election that features a contest between the living and the undead.

The choice between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is as clear of a choice as this week’s battle between the Cleveland Browns and the evil Baltimore Ravens. Let’s just say that the stimulus is working.

Everything I just wrote is an attention-deficit disorder lie, wrapped around an attention-starved conundrum. Except for the parts about the scary election, and the Cleveland Browns winning. Those are true.

Next up, Christmasegeddon. And that’s whatzgonnahappen.

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – This game could put the NFL Network out of business. Horrible versus Pathetic. Go with Pathetic. Chargers 26, Chiefs 10

RAVENS AT BROWNS – This is the weekend the balance of power shifts in the AFC North. The Browns are red-hot. Blistering. Two wins in their last three games. The Ravens are evil and injured. Art Modell is dead. Jimmy Haslam owns the Browns. I smell Super Bowl! Or maybe just Ray Lewis’s rotting corpse. How did he die this week? It’s a whodunit. You make the call. Browns 34, Ravens 23

BYE AT JETS – The “Book of Tebow” was set to open on Broadway, but Rex Ryan decides to let “Sanchez’ Cats” run for a few more weeks.

CARDINALS AT PACKERS – The Cardinals has seven rushing yards last week, and they gave up four sacks. Quarterback John Skelton is aptly named. Packers 33, Cardinals 17

BILLS AT TEXANS – Remember how the NFL is now a passing league and the run is not important? The team that runs the ball the most in the NFL is the 6-1 Texans. This could be a trap game, but the Texans are too balanced for traps. Texans 30, Bills 20

BYE AT RAMS – The Rams discover, way too late, that even though they were in England last week, they were supposed to try to play American football, not soccer. Sure, they lost 45-7, but 7 usually wins in a soccer game.

DOLPHINS AT COLTS – Football is an emotional game and “Win For Chuck” seems to have some mojo. Colts 24, Dolphins 21

BEARS AT TITANS – This looks like a trap game and Jay Cutler has an aching need to melt, until he proves otherwise. Titans 27, Bears 17

BYE AT 49ers – Pablo Sandoval is brought in to help the defense, because who doesn’t want a guy that hits like that?

LIONS AT JAGUARS – When Joe Biden said, “That’s a bunch of malarkey,” was he talking about Mike Mularkey’s touchdown celebration ban, or just the Jaguars in general? Lions 41, Jaguars 10

PANTHERS AT REDSKINS – Cam Newton shows Robert Griffin III a thing or do about magic and sends Washington DC home miserable for the days before the election. Future political scientists will call it the Cam Newton effect. Panthers 27, Redskins 21

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Star quarterback Tom Brady spends time with his supermodel wife. In other words, he spends his time as a cliché. That’s why clichés are popular.  Bill Belichick writes a list. First thing on the list: Never panic.

BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Peyton Manning’s statistics and his wins are back. I still don’t believe he throws the ball the same, but the Bengals, even rested after a bye, are not the toughest test. Broncos 28, Bengals 27

BUCCANEERS AT RAIDERS – The Bucaneers might be coming back to life and the Raiders can only beat teams without any life. Buccaneers 23, Raiders 20.

VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – Logic says the Seahawks at home should fix things against the suddenly struggling Vikings, but no one has called me by my nickname, Aristotle, in years. Vikings 27, Seahawks 24

STEELERS AT GIANTS – I wish the Steelers always wore the prison-yard uniforms that they wore last week. This week, it will just feel like the are trapped and can’t get out. Giants 31, Steelers 19

COWBOYS AT FALCONS – Mitt Romney has Mittmentum, but it’s doomed to failure. Mattmentum, however, looks good to go. The Falcons are going lose, but not to the dysfunctional Cowboys counting on Dez Bryant’s hands. Falcons 27, Cowboys 21

EAGLES AT SAINTS – The Saints cannot defend against anyone, not even the Eagles. But the Eagles can stop themselves. They can’t stop the Saints. Saints 41, Eagles 31

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These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.

I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.

Mitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.

Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.

But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.

That’s why I am undecided in Ohio.

This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.

The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?

But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen.

BUCCANEERS AT VIKINGS – Some prognosticators see the future. I see the past. Buccaneers 36, Vikings 17

CHARGERS AT BROWNS – The best prescription for a Browns team that does not know how to win is to play a team coached by Norv Turner, because that guy knows how to lose.  The offense is due to explode, and the Lerner black cloud is fading away. Browns 32, Chargers 21

BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis decides during his rehab by trying to beat Felix Baumgartner’s skydiving record by jumping out of a plane without a parachute or a pressure suit. It inspires the defense, and it shows.

SEAHAWKS AT LIONS – Russell Wilson has struggled on the road and the Lions desperately need a win. But I am a contrarian. Plus the Seahawks just feel like the better team. Seahawks 24, Lions 17

JAGUARS AT PACKERS – By the end of it, the United Nations passes a resolution condemning the Packers. Packers 53, Jaguars 13

BYE AT BILLS – Ralph Wilson, who is now 94 years old, will be running the scout team in practice because that’s what owners do.

DOLPHINS AT JETS – It’s almost like Rex Ryan is deflated this year. No, it’s exactly like that. Dolphins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BEARS – Last year, Cam Newton was on top of the world. This year, he’s been possessed by Vince Young. He makes Jay Cutler look like a happy guy. After this game, Jay Cutler will be a happy guy. Bears 23, Panthers 10

BYE AT BENGALS – Mike Brown’s plan is working perfectly. His plan? Don’t have a plan.

FALCONS AT EAGLES – The undefeated Falcons have beaten a bunch of average teams. The Eagles are an average team. You do the math, because I failed math. Eagles 23, Falcons 20

COLTS AT TITANS – I hear there is a new Chris Johnson zombie movie out. Titans 25, Colts 23

BYE AT TEXANS – The Texans offense refuels its unmanned drones.

PATRIOTS AT RAMS IN LONDON – Why is this game in London? I hope they don’t send us soccer games. Patriots 31, Rams 21

REDSKINS AT STEELERS – I like RGIII. I hate the Steelers. Las Vegas doesn’t give you logic like that. Redskins 27, Steelers 20

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Maybe the Chiefs can run on the Raiders, but not enough. Brady Quinn plays garbage time for the Chiefs… the rest of the season. Raiders 31, Chiefs 17

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Eli Manning is at the peak of his career, calm and confident. And the Giants look like they are rolling. Giants 31, Cowboys 27

SAINTS AT BRONCOS – The Saints are getting on a roll but nevertheless, gentleman start the scoreboard. On your mark, get set, kickoff. Get down in the starting blocks for the sprint. 45, Broncos 42

49ers AT CARDINALS – Two pretty good teams that are pretty hard to figure out except that this game probably isn’t going to be pretty. 49ers 14, Cardinals 9

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These Week 7 NFL picks have been soaked, scrubbed, and put through the machine. Call me Dishmael. I wash dishes. I am a diva, just like T.O.. I catch flak.

I am an also an idiot savant when when it comes to NFL picks. Okay, only the idiot half of this statement is true. But I have, in fact, foreseen many NFL results in the Jackson Pollock designs of saliva and gravy that my customers leave for me. Nice people! I know you are jealous, as you should be.

But don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not all art appreciation and collecting money from my bookie. This week, I had to train the Republican vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, apparently so he will have something to fall back on if he loses the election.

That’s how the Bain Capital Grill runs. I was forced to train this knucklehead, who might then take my job. On the bright side, the 47 percent of me that feels lazy and entitled was happy to let him do my job. But when he walked in here and started talking about how he admired watching Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Colt McCoy when McCoy was at Oklahoma State, I knew that Paul Ryan was not intelligent enough for the dishwashing profession.

First of all, Colt McCoy is not the Browns starting quarterback. Brandon Weeden is. Secondly, Colt McCoy didn’t go to Oklahoma State. He went to Texas. Brandon Weeden went to Oklahoma State. This mistake is exactly like being asked to wash a spoon, and instead washing a knife. Our sous chef has killed for less than that. He has a backyard graveyard full of dishwashers with wrongly-washed knives stuck in their backs.

This is a tough profession, and I just don’t think Paul Ryan has the chops. It’s not like his other profession, except in one way. I’ve also got a binders full of women; mostly vodka-soaked waitresses.

When he was here, all Paul Ryan did was complain that politics is hard. He called it a contact sport, like the NFL. But just as he said that, the chef stiff-armed him on his way to get another cup of coffee. To get around the concussion rule and the fact that we don’t offer health insurance, our medical staff said Paul Ryan was shaken up on the play.

He was immediately, and controversially, sent to scrub sheet pans while proclaiming like an evangelist that Brady Quinn, of USC, is the best quarterback in the NFL. Quinn, of course, actually went to Notre Dame, and he is Brady Quinn, not Tom Brady.

Obviously, I hope Paul Ryan wins the vice presidency because sending an incompetent dishwasher into this volatile world could be catastrophic.

If Paul Ryan does become a dishwasher, I bet it’s at some fancy private club where the members dirty the dishes with saliva and gravy not for the sake of art, but to prove that they are job creators. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – I can see the future so well for this game, it’s almost like watching on television. Russell Wilson equals Eric Zeir, and he maybe he peaks at Jeff Blake. Frank Gore is awesome. 49ers 13, Seahawks 6

TITANS AT BILLS – Mario Williams sends a game check to the government and pays off the national debt. But until he starts getting sacks, no one cares. Titans 20, Bills 14

BYE AT FALCONS – The Smoke And Mirrors Coordinator is given a raise.

COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – The Cowboys should easily win this game. I do not trust the Cowboys. Panthers 31, Cowboys 27

RAVENS AT TEXANS – In a fate worse than death, Ray Lewis NFL career could be over. But just in case, there is always steroid meningitis. He was a mere cheerleader on the field this year for a mediocre defense. Off the field, he’s a total majorette. Texans 27, Ravens 24

BYE AT BRONCOS – When the case of beer runs out, John Fox says, “Don’t worry, we’re only down 24.”

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Yes, I am buying the Giants could be the best team in the NFL. RGIII is magical, but Eli Manning is a professional salsa dance promoter. Giants 31, Redskins 23

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – I would have thought when Aquib Talib took Adderall, it would have helped him focus on not taking Adderall. Instead, it made Drew Brees job even easier. The Saints defense, however, acts like it’s all been suspended too. Oh wait. Buccaneers 34, Saints 33

BYE AT CHIEFS – Bye 100, Chiefs 0

PACKERS AT RAMS – The Packers finally heard the weeks-old echo of the starter saying, “Gentleman, start your engines.” Packers 42, Rams 22

CARDINALS AT VIKINGS – It looks close on paper, but this is the Internet. Vikings 27, Cardinals 10

BYE AT DOLPHINS – Tied for first. Tied for last. Like kissing your sister.

BROWNS AT COLTS – Dear Scientists… At 4 pm. last Sunday, did the earth’s rotation reverse itself?  Are pigs flying? Did hell freeze over? Why are the corners of my mouth turned upwards? Please help. I do not understand this feeling. Browns 30, Colts 20

JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders almost beat the undefeated Falcons. Meanwhile, the Jaguars are apparently allowed to play in the NFL too. Raiders 35, Jaguars 10

BYE AT EAGLES – Andy Reid fires the popcorn vendor.

BYE AT CHARGERS – For 24 minutes, 24 spectacular women with 24 gold bottles of champagne offer Philip Rivers 24 wishes, but he gives them all away to some old guy recovering from surgery, because that’s the kind of guy Rivers is. Really, that kind of guy.

JETS AT PATRIOTS – It’s Tebow Time. Tebowing. Tebowie. All of the mania will be back when  Tim Tebow inexplicably, as if a higher power wanted it so, throws three fourth quarter touchdown passes. After the game, Bill Belichick says he’d trade Tom Brady for Tim Tebow in a blessed New York minute. Jets 30, Patriots 28

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Evil at Incompetent. For once, Incompetent wins. Bengals 23, Steelers 20

LIONS AT BEARS – Some games, and some weeks are built for upsets. Not this game, not this week. Bears 31, Lions 17

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These week 6 NFL picks contain approximately zero lies about my fish-fornicating opponent. He is lying when he says the Cleveland Browns are 0-5. That’s baloney!

Speaking of baloney, these week 6 NFL picks are served plain on white bread by my elf-like twitchy media assistant, Skippy. We call it, “The Lance Armstrong” and serve it at my opponent’s rallies. My opponent’s lies are worse than my lies about the Miami Dolphins. My opponent likes fish, that is well-established.

Some say this is the meanest NFL prognosticating campaign week ever because the Browns just lost. Some said that last week when the Browns lost, and some said it the week before when the Browns lost. It’s despicable, the things my opponent brings up. My opponent still thinks Scott Fujita should be suspended for being on the Cleveland Browns. This is literally unbelievable.

I usually and probably don’t ever lie about how NFL commissioner Roger Goodell likes to eat live koala bears while they are looking him in the eyes any more than he would make stuff up, and I won’t. I won’t… maybe. Maybe not. I’ll ask my focus group.

My focus group of 50 drunks in a bar unanimously said that anyone picking the Cleveland Browns to win every week is a moron with less brains than a bag full of rocks.

So the bag full of rocks I have at home gave me an idea. Well, not my own idea. I don’t have any of those. But I took a poll – actually I had a nerd race – and Americans want us predictors to scale down the meanness. Even though my opponent is fighting dirty by using facts, I am going to be nicer, simply using my version of honesty. You ready?

My opponent has a messy desk. I even see a half-eaten baloney sandwich on it. See, I can do an attack ad and not be too mean.

Oh one more thing. His desk is also messy because of the fish.

I approve this message, and I approve whatzgonnahappen.

STEELERS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson breaks ground on the Chris Johnson Museum and Gift shop,while the Steelers play as if Titans don’t have a defense. Steelers 34, Titans 18

COWBOYS AT RAVENS – I hate the Ravens more, but I’ve hated the Cowboys longer. Ray Lewis fatally loses a cockroach eating contest by attempting  to eat himself, but Ray Rice is the better ray. Ravens 31, Cowboys 10

BYE AT PANTHERS – Cam Newton turns to Vince Young for advice.

BENGALS AT BROWNS – Joe Haden slips some Adderall to Brandon Weeden and the interceptions disappear. Scott Fujita, who called out the bully Roger Goodell, is suspended for life for conduct detrimental to Roger Goodell’s making stuff up. But first, he has four sacks and an interception. Browns 30, Bengals 15

RAMS AT DOLPHINS – By the time Sam Bradford has weapons, he’ll be fishing with Jim McMahon. Dolphins 17, Rams 13

BYE AT BEARS – The Jay Cutler lobotomy is a pay-per-view event.

COLTS AT JETS – Please please bring in Terrell Owens. Go get William Haynesworth. Heck, break O.J. Simpson out of jail and put him with Tebow. I want to see Rex Ryan to go all Bobby Valentine on us because that really is fine entertainment. Colts 31, Jets 9

RAIDERS AT FALCONS – The Raiders new slogans are Just Lose Baby, and Commitment to Eh, Whatever. Falcons 33, Raiders 20

BYE AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert learns how to sell french fries.

LIONS AT EAGLES – If I made apple turnovers, I would buy advertising for this game. Eagles 34, Lions 19

CHIEFS AT BUCCANEERS – Brady Quinn, Romeo Crennel, and Peyton Hillis walk into the Deja Vu bar and toast bad science experiments. Buccaneers 26, Chiefs 20

BYE AT SAINTS – Drew Brees films an advertisement for Bounty Paper Towels.

BILLS AT CARDINALS – Mario Williams thinks he sees himself on a side of a milk carton but unfortunately it’s inside of a grocery sack and he couldn’t get it. Cardinals 25, Bills 21

PATRIOTS AT SEAHAWKS – If the Patriots couldn’t run the ball, the Seahawks tough defense just might rock Tom Brady enough to throw him off. But the Patriots can run the ball, and Russell Wilson is an NFL midget until he proves otherwise. Patriots 23, Seahawks 17

GIANTS AT 49ers – Games like this is why God invented the NFL. 49ers 24, Giants 23

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Remember when Robert Griffin III looked like the best quarterback in the league? Neither does he because football is a dangerous game and things change fast when you are the quarterback of a doomed franchise. Vikings 20, Redskins 18

PACKERS AT TEXANS – Everything points to the Texans. But I am a contrarian, this is any given Sunday, and the Packers are pretty good even if they are what their record says they are. Packers 31, Texans 28

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – The Peyton Manning comeback story just makes me sad, but he still makes great commercials. Chargers 31, Broncos 20

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