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These week 17 NFL Picks would like you to duck back to an ignorant age when everyone knew their place. Back then, the Cleveland Browns place was first. That’s right, a long time ago.

Quack. I’ve got a beard and money. I am the smartest person I’ve ever met  Plus, get this, I’ve read one book.

Please say “amen” now. And listen to my call.

Actually the duck call that you ordered, engraved with the Cleveland Browns logo and the Lombardi Trophy, is late because the logistics of UPS were messed up by the credit card you gave to Target after you told them you worked at McDonald’s but needed therapy because you sold burgers that your boss told you not to eat under any circumstances short of starvation.

The NSA told me that. Yes, they report to me. Only me, the guy who looks like the leader of Al Qaeda.

So don’t complain about your missing duck call, goddam it. It’s your fault.

But most damning is that you once masturbated – the NSA has proof – therefore you were at that moment super gay for touching someone of your own sex, and thus you are a sinner who should die. I bet you will. But I can only dream of someday.

Speaking of someday, or Sunday, after I go to church and pray that a good percentage of the population be damned to hell, I always come home, eat chicken, and watch football.

I cheer for my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, but I think God hates them like he hates the people I say he hates. Maybe worse. Unlike those people, the Cleveland Browns never seem to score. It’s almost as if I am as ignorant as a bag of hammers, and I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Superman is a better nickname than Matty Ice, who this year, is more like Matty Slush. Panthers 27, Falcons 21

PACKERS AT BEARS – Whether Aaron Flynn or Matt Rogers, it doesn’t matter. Not against Jay McCown or Josh Cutler. Bears 24, Packers 22

TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans are going to draft Jadveon Clowney with the number one pick in next year’s draft. Titans 24, Texans 17

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Realists say the hopeful Steelers are going to destroy the hopeless Browns. But I am trying to think of this game in more like an impressionist, or maybe Picasso cubist painting in which you lose sense of reality. Browns 50, Steelers 10

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – In years Eli Manning does not win a Super Bowl, he is below-average NFL quarterback. Redskins 20, Giants 13

RAVENS AT BENGALS – The Bengals don’t lose at home, and the Ravens don’t go to the playoffs. Bengals 27, Ravens 12

JAGUARS AT COLTS – Early in the first quarter, Trench Richardson rips his highlight reel play of the year, a huge gain of 3 yards. Andrew Luck understands his role. He must rescue the team, again. Colts 24, Jaguars 23

JETS AT DOLPHINS – As the game ends, Rex Ryan moons the crowd. He gives the finger to the Jets owner’s box. After urinating on the 50-yard line, he says, “I think I did a swell job this year.” Dolphins 31, Jets 6

LIONS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson runs for 175 yards against a Lions team that is lost on a UPS truck that was run by crappy logistics. Vikings 33, Lions 17

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – It’s going to be fun watching the Patriots get ready for the playoffs against the Buffalo Bills. Patriots 51, Bills 20

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – One team is at home and motivated and the other team is dreaming of golf, or probably in a lot of roster spots, selling insurance. Saints 24, Buccaneers 13

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Terrelle Pryor outplays Peyton Manning, who is contemplating the option of a one-and-done playoff run. Raiders 27, Broncos 23

49ers AT CARDINALS – The better team right now wins. Cardinals 20, 49ers 17

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs rest, Chargers are best. You know it, I am a poet. Chargers 31, Chiefs 21

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – The 12th man gets fired from all jobs in Seattle on Monday. I’ve moving to Seattle to sell coffee! Seahawks 30, Rams 10

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The off-season dilemma for Jerry Jones – only one facelift allowed, Jerry Jones or the Cowboys. Either way, it’s ugly. Eagles 34, Cowboys 13

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This column is sponsored by old acquaintances forgotten.

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Dear Santa, you cookie-stealing hippie. These week 16 NFL picks are my wish list, along with peace on Earth, and a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl championship.

You’re not going to visit again this year, are you? Tell the truth, for once, you chimney-climbing, commune-living hobo.

Look, dude. Can I call you dude? Okay, Nick, listen. Every year, I ask for the same thing: that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl, and… wait, it just occurred to me. You don’t even know where I live, do you?

Once again I’ve been nice all year, when I could have / should have  been naughty as hell. It made no difference at all to you, did it? You call yourself, Santa Claus. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear somebody made you up.

But I’ve seen you. At the mall, or riding in a parade, always acting all jollier than thou. You don’t fool me with your talk about how you visit everyone. I’ll grant you that you get good PR, and the perception sells. The red suit was a brilliant branding idea.

But I know how you operate, you breaking-and-entering wizard wannabe. You like the rich kids better. Patriots fans, Broncos fans, 49ers fans, and Seahawks fans are all on your route, aren’t they? Admit it, you even bring presents  to Steelers fans. What kind of saint are you?

Look dude… Yeah, I just called you dude. What are you going to do about it? Not give me a present? Look at me. See that look on my face. It’s not surprise. In fact, it’s bone-marrow sadness. The point is, you don’t understand the effects of decades of ignoring me.

Oh, you do understand.

Well then. If you happen to show up early to my house this year, you are invited for dinner. I am serving venison.

That reminds me. In case you do actually visit, Mr. Claus, sir, I’d like a necktie made out of bacon, and I want a printer that prints warm chocolate chip cookies whenever I say that’s whatzgonnahappen.

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Are the Dolphins the kind of team that could beat a shaky New England team, and then lose to Buffalo? Yes, they appear to be exactly that kind of team. Bills 24, Dolphins 20

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – This game should be in London because it features the changing of the guard. Panthers 31, Saints 21

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – This game came without batteries, dice, or a warranty. Redskins 30, Cowboys 29.

BUCCANEERS AT RAMS – Mike Glennon says Christmas in St. Louis is a rush. Rams 23, Buccaneers 17

BEARS AT EAGLES – Jay Cutler earns $20 million a year because of how he plays this one Sunday in December. Bears 45, Eagles 24

BROWNS AT JETS – The Cleveland Browns had a chance to draft Geno Smith. Smith gets revenge by throwing four interceptions and fumbling twice. The Browns throw to Josh Gordon on every play. That was my suggestion. Browns 13, Jets 9

COLTS AT CHIEFS – The Colts are not grown up enough for this game. There will be better luck next year. Chiefs 27, Colts 20

VIKINGS AT BENGALS – Santa brought the Bengals a great present, the Vikings. Bengals 30, Vikings 10

BRONCOS AT TEXANS – When the NSA data-mines this game, all audience members are labeled as sadomasochists. Broncos 40, Texans 3

TITANS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars have almost clinched the title of best horrible NFL team in 2013. Jaguars 24, Titans 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – The Cardinals can prove to the world that they are real. That won’t happen. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 14

GIANTS AT LIONS – Eli Manning spends all day on Saturday as a mall Santa, as practice for giving the ball away on Sunday. Lions 27, Giants 17

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are capable of losing a game like this, even if I am not sure that the Raiders are capable of winning against anyone. Raiders 27, Chargers 26

STEELERS AT PACKERS – For Christmas, I want the Steelers to lose. I never get what I want for Christmas. Steelers 20, Packers 17

PATRIOTS AT RAVENS – The Patriots spent weeks living on the lucky bounce / lucky referee tightrope, until they finally fell off for a week. This week, Belichick designs another lucky genius win.  Patriots 24, Ravens 23

FALCONS AT 49ers – This is a preview of the NFC championship from my dreams in August. Time flies like a turtle when you are are wrong. 49ers 31, Falcons 14

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This column is sponsored by Sitting Duck Dynasty, Lame Duck Dynasty, & Dead Duck Dynasty.

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These week 15 NFL picks are legally stoned and in a Mandela-forgiving, Pope-for-the-poor mood in Uruguay with the NFL officials from last week’s Browns / Patriots game.

These guys crack me up. They smoke a flowery perfume-smelling pot called, “The Tom Brady Effect.” It helped them see “the obvious interference” at the end of last week’s Browns / Patriots game, they said. After I tried it, I voted for Tom Brady for president. The shit is strong.

One of these NFL officials, who asked to be identified by the name, “Dudefreak,” said that defense lawyers in Uruguay typically donate a quarter pound of The Tom Brady Effect to jurors, and then have their ax-murdering clients wear a #12 Patriots jersey.

“This is a foolproof legal strategy in Uruguay,” said Dudefreak, who had a giant Patriots logo tattooed on each arm. He paused for a long time while I stared, wondering how the NFL could view him as objective. Casually, he leaned down and packed his #12 black-and-white striped bong, and then he said like some bored hipster, “Long sleeves.”

I know what you are thinking. Why Uruguay? Why not go to Colorado or Washington to smoke legal pot and talk to red-eyed NFL officials about the intricacies of the NFL rulebook? Two reasons, really. The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks. Those teams are way better than the Cleveland Browns, no matter what you smoke. Walter White doesn’t cure that.

Plus Dudefreak knows this guy down here who gets some really good The Tom Brady Effect. This is the new journalism. You are welcome. As you can see, I went all the way to Uruguay just to find out whatzgonnahappen.

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – I believe in Philip Rivers here just like I believe in the Wizard of Oz, all the way until the end when they pull back the curtain. Broncos 32, Chargers 30

BEARS AT BROWNS – Josh Gordon runs the across-the-middle slant and then breaks away better than anyone I’ve ever seen except. Jerry Rice. Wow. Impossibly, he plays for the Cleveland Browns. In this game, Josh McCown plays like Luke McCown. Browns 30, Bears 10

REDSKINS AT FALCONS – Before the game, Mike Shanahan serves his special chili that he stuck his red face into for 15 minutes. Oh wait, that’s what he does before every game. Falcons 42, Redskins 10

49ers AT BUCCANEERS – I am imagining real 49ers against real Buccaneers. Panning for gold against swords and such. If it was in San Francisco I’d favor the miners. In Tampa? Aaargh! Buccaneers 10, 49ers 7

SEAHAWKS AT GIANTS – Several times, Eli Manning calls a play called, “Merry Christmas.” Seahawks 31, Giants 16

TEXANS AT COLTS – Under demands to justify a trade against the worst team in the NFL, Trench Richardson calls this his greatest game – 30 rushes for 50 yards, two lost fumbles, four sacks given up on his assignments, and two touchdowns on Andrew Luck passes. Colts 14, Texans 10

BILLS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars have hired the best architect in Jacksonville to design a shelf for the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Jaguars 20, Bills 17

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – From the grassy knoll, it all makes sense. Luck? A football bounce. A bad call? A new rule? Or just another Tom Brady miracle? Yes. Patriots 24, Dolphins 22

EAGLES AT VIKINGS – If this were the 1970s, the band The Eagles would write a song about Nick Foles called, “Take It Easy” or “Peaceful Easy Feeling.” Eagles 27, Vikings 24

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Laughter therapy is catching on in Kansas City. Chiefs 40, Raiders 20

JETS AT PANTHERS – Geno Smith stops, drops, and rolls. Panthers 27, Jets 17

CARDINALS AT TITANS – Remember when Jeff Fisher was a good football coach? Titans 24, Cardinals 21

SAINTS AT RAMS – The Saints seem extremely and extraordinarily into themselves. Mirror, mirror on the wall… Rams 24, Saints 17

PACKERS AT COWBOYS – This is Ron Burgundy saying, Goodnight Dallas. Packers 10, Cowboys 9

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger does not have fun with the Cincinnati defense. Bengals 30, Steelers 20

RAVENS AT LIONS – The Ravens can’t win on the road and the Lions are sometimes a really good team. Lions 28, Ravens 20

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This column is sponsored by Pope Rush Limbaugh.

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These week 14 NFL picks, delivered by drone from Amazon, fell like a brick from the New England sky and landed on my head, making me cheer for the Cleveland Browns. I obviously have a concussion.

I would love to cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. It looks like so much fun. He seems to want to win games. I can’t imagine a quarterback of the Cleveland Browns doing that. It must be super awesome to cheer for Tom Brady, one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration..

But I can’t. I cheer for Brandon Weeden, one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration. I am voodoo cursed. I cheer for the Cleveland Browns.  Did I tell you Brandon Weeden also has a concussion? So does his backup quarterback, Jason Campbell.

My head hurts. Actually, my brain hurts. Ouch! Did I say, “ouch” already? I can’t remember. Besides my obvious drone-induced concussion, the only other plausible explanation for my cheering for the Cleveland Browns is a curse that goes back decades to what I call “the old country” on a plot of land where tomatoes and children once grew, somewhere east of the Cuyahoga River.

During my time in New England, I have watched Tom Brady play spectacular quarterback every week for the New England Patriots while I have cheered from afar for the likes of Weeden, Charlie Frye, and Brady Quinn, to name three of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history.

There are more many more sad names on the list of Browns quarterbacks in the running for worst quarterback in NFL history. The list is so long and pathetic, it is impossible to get through it without starting to sob.

That’s why I am so optimistic this week when the Browns play the Patriots.

It appears I may get to cheer for a new incompetent, indecisive, inaccurate, noodle-armed (but a nice guy) knucklehead off-the-street quarterback, because that’s the best that Cleveland Browns ever put on the field. In fact, they may start a quarterback they signed off of Youtube. This is not hyperbole

Hyperbole is impossible once you know whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – This is the NFL version of The Biggest Loser. It’s horrible football, but the NFL is fat and happy and it knows we will watch. Texans 23, Jaguars 20

BROWNS AT PATRIOTS – Whatshisname, the Browns quarterback who last week was a plumber, has by far the best game of his career in his his first and only game in the NFL. Tom Brady says, “Who is that guy?” Thirty years later, Tom Brady says, “And that’s how I hired my plumber.” Browns 100, Patriots 3

VIKINGS AT RAVENS – For the first time this season, the Ravens play as if Ray Lewis was still in the middle of the defense holding a bloody knife. Ravens 24, Vikings 10

CHIEFS AT REDSKINS – Expecting a convention, the Cleveland Indians logo Chief Wahoo visits with an Atlanta Brave doing the tomahawk chop. Chiefs 40, Redskins 20

BILLS AT BUCCANEERS – Every bit of momentum points to a Buccaneers win. But it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, and it’s any given Sunday in Tampa. Bills 26, Buccaneers 14

DOLPHINS AT STEELERS – After Ryan Tannehill arrives in Pittsburgh inside of a sack, Mike Tomlin throws a brick at Mike Wallace – by mistake. Steelers 22, Dolphins 10

LIONS AT EAGLES – Detroit is my favorite bankrupt American city. Lions 42, Eagles 41

RAIDERS AT JETS – For marketing purposes, Geno Smith legally changes his name to Geno Interception Smith. Raiders 13, Jets 6

COLTS AT BENGALS – I believe in Andrew Luck but I don’t believe in his offensive line, which makes it harder to believe in Andrew Luck in this particular game. Bengals 23, Colts 17

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Facing an angry Saints team at home is about as good of a test as Cam Newton can get. He passes. Panthers 30, Saints 27

TITANS AT BRONCOS – This is one of those Peyton-films-a-commercial games. Broncos 40, Titans 20

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Can the Arizona Cardinals go to the playoffs? Maybe yes. Cardinals 30, Rams 21

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – The Seahawks looks unstoppable about now, so of course I think they can be stopped. 49ers 23, Seahawks 17

GIANTS AT CHARGERS – Eli Manning was drafted by the Chargers but didn’t want to play for them. Sometimes, Philip Rivers doesn’t either. Giants 27, Chargers 21

FALCONS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers doesn’t cheer loud enough. Falcons 30, Packers 17

COWBOYS AT BEARS – Check the calendar. Tony Romo is due for a five-interception game. Bears 30, Cowboys 24

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This column is sponsored by a very minimum wage.

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Some say these week 13 NFL picks are delusional. But don’t listen to the voices in my head.

I say the Cleveland Browns are going to win. My friend that lives under a bridge says it is stupid to be loyal to anyone who treats you like Cleveland Browns treat their fans. I would never live under that bridge.

Longtime readers of this column know that I live in a refrigerator box in the woods with no amenities other than a flat-screen TV hooked up to the NFL Network. The rest of you have probably figured it out. Both of you.

This website is arguably the most profitable website in America, because I will argue with anyone.

Anyway, ever since the IPO, I admit to being foolish with my billions. Every week, I go all in with my bookie, Cakeface McGee, on the picks in this column. The problem with betting billions of dollars on the picks in this column is that this column always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and the Cleveland Browns almost always lose.

Can I tell you a secret? I am beginning to not trust the judgment of the guy that makes these picks. Sure, sometimes this crap is correct. But he always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and they are always mean to him. Loyalty to mean people is stupid.

That reminds me. If Cakeface McGee walks in carrying a baseball bat, I’m not here.

So I just want to say with all of my heart that these week 13 NFL picks are thankful for the imaginary loving family gathered around me eating this imaginary delicious turkey, and toasting the imaginary great football team known as the Cleveland Browns. I’d write more, but I need to look for my can opener for these beans.

Happy Thanksgiving. Obviously, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen

PACKERS AT LIONS – Matt Flynn plus Scott Tolzien multiplied by cheese barely equals Matthew Stafford on his worst day, which only happens sometimes. Lions  27, Packers 20

RAIDERS AT COWBOYS – Tryptophan and blowout go well together. Cowboys 41, Raiders 20

STEELERS AT RAVENS – The final game of Thanksgiving day is nothing to be thankful for. Not for this Browns fan. Steelers at Ravens? Vomit or diarrhea? Yes, this game looks like a perfect compliment to food poisoning, but it will probably be a good game. Steelers 24, Ravens 21

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – I am on the Chiefs bandwagon again. This time, it’s going off the tracks. Broncos 31, Chiefs 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Before the game, Andrew Luck asks Trench Richardson to take his bad karma and go home. Colts 33, Titans 17

JAGUARS AT BROWNS – NFL Films is here. The game attracts Ken Burns, and Doris Kearns Goodwin too. Stephen Spielberg has bought the rights for a remake. And Brandon Weeden, fresh from a delicious Thanksgiving meal of deer-in-the-headlights, shines. Browns 30, Jaguars 10

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Mike Glennon is pretty fun to watch, and I keep waiting for the Panthers bubble to burst. But it hasn’t, so I am on board. Panthers 27, Buccaneers 17

BEARS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings defense makes Josh McCown look like Sid Luckman, and the Bears defense makes Adrian Peterson look like Adrian Peterson. Vikings 31, Bears 30

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – Carson Palmer and Nick Foles are two of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Begin planning for the apocalypse. Eagles 27, Cardinals 23

DOLPHINS AT JETS – This game is representative of the AFC Least, marketed as the bullies against the dummies. I like the dummies in this one. Jets 13, Dolphins 9

FALCONS AT BILLS IN TORONTO – Mayor Rob Ford tries to snort the 50-yard line. Bills 24, Falcons 21

RAMS AT 49ers – I like the Rams defense, and  after one win the 49ers are overconfident. Again. Rams 23, 49ers 20

PATRIOTS AT TEXANS – You know that slogan, “Don’t Mess With Texas”? It’s hilarious. Patriots 41, Texans 17

BENGALS AT CHARGERS – I’ve been trying to believe in the Chargers for almost a decade. Why stop now? Charges 27, Bengals 23

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Robert Griffin III is as popular as Congress. Giants 31, Redskins 13

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – Drew Brees throws pinpoint passes past the bottles of PEDs in the Seahawks secondary. Saints 29, Seahawks 19

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The column is sponsored by turkeys with guns, standing their ground.

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These week 12 NFL picks are running a little late because I was in a drunken stupor, eh? I mean, did you see the game Jason Cambell played for the Browns last week? You did? Oh, so you’ve been in a drunken stupor too.

Do you got any crack?

I’ve been running around in a football jersey talking about oral sex and cocaine, but only because I want to get elected again. You may have noticed that my popularity has surged ever since I’ve been labeled a crack-smoking mayor. Hell, I might just murder somebody to see how far I can take this.

After all, the Cleveland Browns are playing the Pittsburgh Steelers this week, so I am feeling extra feisty. And Tom Brady is facing off against Peyton Manning too,which makes me want to ask you, do you have any crack?

Okay, actually I deny ever using crack. Sure, there is video of me smoking it after a game Brandon Weeden started for the Browns. While you certainly couldn’t blame me if I did smoke crack after watching Weeden play, look at me. I weigh 5.000 pounds. That wasn’t crack I was smoking. What we have here is a spelling error. I was smoking cake. And pie. And bacon.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it. But first, pass it over here and then I’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT FALCONS – I have a strong feeling on this game. Saints 17, Falcons 13

STEELERS AT BROWNS – Ben Roethlisberger plays the entire game wearing Jameis Winston’s Florida State jersey. Browns 29, Steelers 13

JETS AT RAVENS – I learned how patterns work in grade school. The Jets win every other week. This week, they win. Jets 20, Ravens 17

BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – Mike Glennon is playing over his head, which is tough because he’s so tall. Lions 31, Buccaneers 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Scott Tolzien’s mom and I both believe in him, mostly because neither one of us believe in the Vikings. Packers 29, Vikings 13

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – The Teddy Bridgewater Bowl. Texans 10, Jaguars 9

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – When bubbles burst, they sometimes keep bursting. Chargers 20, Chiefs 14

PANTHERS AT DOLPHINS – Every pattern of this game says the Panthers will beat the Dolphins. Sometimes, I ignore patterns and simply remember that Cam Newton is still capable of an occasional  crappy game. Dolphins 23, Panthers 13

BEARS AT RAMS – Josh McCown versus Kellen Clemens… who needs Brady versus Manning? Bears 23, Rams 21

COLTS AT CARDINALS – Trench Richardson is still trying his best to help the Cleveland Browns by trying to improve the draft position. It’s Andrew Luck and Donald Brown who keep messing it up for Richardson. Colts 27, Cardinals 21

TITANS AT RAIDERS – Matt McGloin will someday tell his grandchildren that he played for the Oakland Raiders. At which point, they will never talk to him again. Titans 20, Raiders 12

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – This game is sponsored by the National Association of psychiatrists. Giants 39, Cowboys 38

BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick has a long term lease inside Peyton Manning’s head. Patriots 36, Broncos 23

49ers AT REDSKINS – Kaepernick versus Griffin. One year ago, it sounded like a future Brady versus Manning long-term rivalry. Now? See Clemens versus McCown above. 49Ers 19, Redskins 16

BYE AT BILLS  – John Bon Jovi is interested in buying the Buffalo Bills? Why not? They’ve been living on a prayer for a long time.

BYE AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton bakes turnovers.

BYE AT EAGLES  – Chip Kelly tries to see if the Eagles will qualify for the BCS.

BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Russel Wilson grows an inch.

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This column is sponsored by the Iranian Tourist Council.

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Let me be clear. These week 11 NFL picks are correct, period.

In fact, the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the Cincinnati Bengals, exclamation point. Do you understand, question mark.

My point is that while you were busy not signing up for Obamacare, I made these week 11 NFL picks to prove how sincere I am in my love of punctuation words.

If one of these picks is not true, I will deny that I made these predictions and most likely accuse you of distorting my facts, semi-colon, the Cleveland Browns always win.

I am not a liar. I simply do not understand punctuation, period.

So while I will feign surprise that people who feel healthy are not rushing to sign up to pay a new mandatory monthly bill, I know that someday you’ll get sick and you’ll wonder how did I know that’s whatzgonnahappen.

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Nick Foles is better than RGIII. Imagine that. Or just watch the game. Eagles 32, Redskins 17

COLTS AT TITANS – The Colts last week played to the level of Trench (as in dig a trench) Richardson. This week, they play back to the level of Andrew Luck. Heck, even the Jaguars discovered that it’s lucky to play the Titans. Colts 27, Titans 18

JETS AT BILLS – I believe in the Jets like I believe in the Tooth Fairy. I still have all my baby teeth. Bills 23, Jets 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – The dysfunctional Buccaneers were able to beat a more dysfunctional Dolphins team, but what about playing just an equally dysfunctional Falcons team. I say yes. Buccaneers 19, Falcons 13

LIONS AT STEELERS – If the Lions are the little brother of the Bears, does that make the Steelers the family gerbil? Again, I say yes. Lions 42, Steelers 23

CARDINALS AT JAGUARS – Despite the Jaguars impressive one-game winning streak, and despite a very shaky Cardinals team traveling across country, the Jaguars remain the septic system of the NFL. Cardinals 20, Jaguars 10

RAIDERS AT TEXANS – It turns out that Al Davis faked his death. Texans 27, Raiders 12

RAVENS AT BEARS – The Josh McCown bandwagon is back on the road. Bears 30, Ravens 16

BROWNS AT BENGALS – On the first play, Andy Dalton throws a Hail Mary. This is the new Bengals offense. On the way south from Cleveland to Cincinnati, Jason Campbell turns his career towards Canton. Browns 27, Bengals 20

CHARGERS AT DOLPHINS – The Miami Bullies ask if they can just forfeit because the other team is mean. It may take a while for this to pass, despite what Richie Incognito says. Chargers 24, Dolphins 10

PACKERS  AT GIANTS – The Scott Tolzien Story is the Spinal Tap of the NFL. Packers 22, Giants 21

VIKINGS AT SEAHAWKS – A contender for dictionary definition of blowout. Seahawks 38, Vikings 10

49ers AT SAINTS – Do you remember when Colin Kaepernick was the next big thing? Just remember that the next time you wonder if things are going to change in life. Saints 31, 49ers 22

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – This game will disappear faster than Dwayne Bowe driving in a 35-mph zone. Broncos 36, Chiefs 21

PATRIOTS AT PANTHERS – Tom Brady leads a frantic almost-comeback, but the currently better team will win this game. Panthers 30, Patriots 24

BYE AT COWBOYS – Jerry Jones commissions a statue of Dez Bryant to sit next to his Terrell Owens statue.

BYE AT RAMS – Tavon Austin is elected mayor and has been penciled in as leadoff hitter for the Cardinals.

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This column is sponsored by The Scott Boras Orchestra.

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Week 10 NFL Picks for Bullies is the first of a new series of reference books to compete with the For Dummies books, and with the Complete Idiot’s Guides.

Are you a dick? These Week 10 NFL Picks For Bullies are for you.

Is a bag of hammers smarter than you? This is the place for guidance.

Until this week, being a bully in the NFL was a good thing. So just say that, and then stop talking.

And please, no more text messages. Even we’re offended, and our next book is called Pre-Teen Mean Girls For Bullies.

One more thing. You need to come forward now.

It’s too late to go incognito.

You are a bully. Own it. Be proud. You are a bully-American. Trust us, you are not alone.

It may not look good right now, but this is America. Nice guys finish last. Bullies always win. So just ride this out, because that’s whatzgonnahappen.

REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson runs for 200 yards. Robert Griffin III throws for 400 yards. Both defenses are offensive. Vikings 31, Redskins 29

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Joe Flacco received a $29 million signing bonus and he is playing like you would if someone gave you $29 million. Yes, you. Bengals 23, Ravens 13

LIONS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler sends the Josh McCown voodoo doll back to the manufacturer in Haiti. Josh McCown doesn’t need a Jay Cutler voodoo doll. Lions 30, Bears 20

EAGLES AT PACKERS – On one side, Nick Foles is already a first-ballot Hall of Famer. On the other, Seneca Wallace is not as good as Aaron Rodgers. Or Mr. Rogers. Eagles 27, Packers 10

RAMS AT COLTS – Trent Richardson cheers loud from the sidelines. Colts 30, Rams 14

SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Falcons are mostly horrible. The Seahawks are mostly opportunists. This is an opportunity, but I mostly sense an upset.  Falcons 24, Seahawks 23

RAIDERS AT GIANTS – Terrell Pryor remembers being on better Ohio State teams in his professional football career. Giants 24, Raiders 17

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The Titans bring in a Pop Warner team to practice against in order to prepare for the Jaguars. Titans 36, Jaguars 13

BILLS AT STEELERS – The Steelers have a hard time remembering how not to give up touchdowns but they seem to figure it out by halftime. Steelers 26, Bills 21

PANTHERS AT 49ers – The Panthers are playing great football. And I think I like Cam Newton more than Colin Kaepernick. But I reserve the right to change my mind. Panthers 20, 49ers 19

TEXANS AT CARDINALS – Case Keenum outplays Carson Palmer. Texans 19, Cardinals 13

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Jack Del Rio is not nearly as good as John Fox at saying, “Okay Peyton, you call the plays.” Chargers 34, Broncos 31

COWBOYS AT SAINTS – Tony Oh No! plays really well for three quarters, as he is apt to do. But in the end, he makes Rob Ryan feel good about himself. “Better than donuts,” says Ryan. Saints 33, Cowboys 29

DOLPHINS AT BUCCANEERS – The Dolphins locker room should be falling apart right now. Wait, that’s the Buccaneers locker room. Oh, Florida! Dolphins 10, Buccaneers 7

BYE AT CHIEFS – The opponent this week is equal to many of the Chiefs opponents this season. I’m picking the Chiefs.

BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan looks at his phone. Another text message from Mark Sanchez.

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady hangs out with Gisele and rests his hand. Wouldn’t you?

BYE AT BROWNS – Brandon Weeden has a strong case that that whenever he plays, the defense bullies him.

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This column is sponsored by NFL Coaches for ObamaCare, or at least a stretcher.

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Cleveland Browns fan Angela Merkel is now making her Week 9 NFL Picks. We at the NSA hear everything the German Chancellor says. Do you want to know what she thinks about Brandon Weeden?

Let us, your weirdly anonymous government overseer – think of us as a big brother – tell you about week 9 in the NFL because we’re not going to tell you what Angela Merkel thinks of Brandon Weeden. It’s too obvious.

As week 9 in the NFL approaches, we reluctantly and proudly admit that we know almost everything about  every NFL fan, including Angela Merkel. It’s important for us to know all of these things about your NFL rooting habits for national security reasons. After all, America is the land of the free and Merkel, the German, should know that.

Merkel has just hung up from talking to her bookie. She is now looking at her fantasy team on her ESPN app.

Sure, we agreed not to spy on the heads of allied states. But this is spying on an altered state. Cleveland Browns fans, like German Chancellor Angela Merkel, worry us the most. We at the NSA have already learned the perils of ignoring blind faith.

Have Cleveland Browns fans been tested? For anything? Could Cleveland Browns fans pass any kind of test at all? Do they see what they are rooting for? We at the NSA can’t be the only ones. Seriously, this is a national security issue and that is why we may or may not be looking into every room of Browns fans everywhere.

Wait a minute.

Angela Merkel is about to go to the bathroom.

No, false alarm. She has only went into the bathroom to look at her teeth in the mirror. She had salad earlier. Balsamic dressing. She was worried some leaf was stuck in her teeth, and when she looked she saw lettuce and removed it. To be fair, we don’t know for sure that she was worried about the lettuce in her teeth. We have deduced this based on the preponderance of facts that we do have.

So remember NFL fans, we are watching you. When they told you in grade school that everything you do goes on your permanent record, they were talking about the NSA. We pretty much know everything about everything. Trust us on these NFL picks. This is exactly whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT DOLPHINS – While the Bengals Halloween costume is convincingly that of a contender, the Dolphins should have hard questions for Mike Wallace. Bengals 23, Dolphins 20

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The Falcons will win some games at some point, so this sort of scares me. But the Panthers are clearly the better team right now. Panthers 29, Falcons 19

VIKINGS AT COWBOYS – Dez Bryant intensely implores his team to “ignore me and just play football!” Positive guy. Cowboys 41, Vikings 23

SAINTS AT JETS – The Jets were still giving up points in the middle of the week, but I think they rise to the level of mediocre against a traveling Saints squad. Saints 27, Jets 20.

TITANS AT RAMS – The Rams defense was very impressive Monday night. The Titans offense is not impressive. Rams 16, Titans 13

CHIEFS AT BILLS – A red balloon bursts in Buffalo. Bills 23, Chiefs 20

CHARGERS AT REDSKINS – Brandon Meriweather does not understand Karma. Yet. Chargers 37, Redskins 36

EAGLES AT RAIDERS – Nick Foles is rusty. Terrell Pryor replicates the Ohio State band walking like a dinosaur, and then scores his first touchdown of the day. Raiders 24, Eagles 17

BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS – The Golden Tate wave was awesome. Pete Carroll said he should conduct himself like a professional, and Tate said he won’t do it again. Pete’s right. Tate shouldn’t it again. But that was hilarious. I hope he does it again. Seahawks 40, Buccanneers 20

RAVENS AT BROWNS – Joe Flacco, Super Bowl MVP, versus Jason Campbell, two-time backup to Brandon Weeden, is no contest. Campbell clearly outplays Flacco, who is harassed all day by Barkevious Mingo, because his is the coolest name in the NFL. It sounds like the name of a mascot. Browns 22, Ravens 16

STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady calls Bernie Kosar and asks, “What does Bill mean by diminishing skills?” Kosar replies, “In this case, he means the Steelers.” Patriots 26, Steelers 17

COLTS AT TEXANS – Trap game for the Colts. Texans 24, Colts 17

BEARS AT PACKERS – Josh McCown has money on the Packers. No, he’s not throwing the game to gamblers. He’s simply observant. Packers 41, Bears 20

BYE AT CARDINALS – Losing at halftime, but come back to tie it.

BYE AT BRONCOS – Touchdown. Touchdown. Touchdown. Touchdown. Commercial. Touchdown. Call Dad. Touchdown. Tease little brother. Touchdown. Touchdown.

BYE AT LIONS – Did one play change the fortunes of this franchise? It almost feels like it did.

BYE AT JAGUARS – Team slogan: Our uniforms look like little boy pajamas.

BYE AT GIANTS – Bye. Bye.

BYE AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick gets a tattoo of his tattoos.

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This column is sponsored by the Zen of David Ortiz.

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Welcome to Week NFL 8 picks at the Obamacare website, where nothing works. For instance, these are hockey scores.

If you have a pre-existing condition such as cheering for the pathetic Cleveland Browns, you will be covered but it’s not like it will do any good. You won’t get better and the condition is terminal as you will surely die while doing this.

But if you insist on having an operation to remove your bad quarterback and replace him with  a journeyman quarterback, Obamacare actually approves this nonsensical procedure. Jason Cambell is now your quarterback instead of Brandon Weeden. Happy?

If you have actually made it this far into to the website, we can identify you as a Cleveland Browns fan because no one else is willing to wait as long as you are. Thus, this Obamacare website is written in your terminology. For instance, the health care bill was passed so that it would be impossible to use, just like a Brandon Weeden pass.

Look, we can’t pay for any of this. Essentially, Obamacare is a placebo to make you feel better, especially if you suffer from the awful disease known as Cheering For The Cleveland Browns. In fact, the only known cure for this condition is to drop an anvil on your head.

Click here for anvil vendors.

So now that you know all about Obamacare, we are sad to inform you that this website is broken and although the various NFL betting plans are clearly listed below, the only health care plan available is the one that is currently unavailable. All operators are busy.

Goodbye.

Thank you for visiting the Obamacare website, where if you turn your head and cough, you’ll find out whatzgonnahappen.

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – This is the ultimate NFL ratings measuring stick. This sucky game against the World Series. What will it be, America? Panthers 14, Buccaneers 13

49ers AT JAGUARS AT LONDON – The Jaguars are turned away by customs at the airport. “We were told they were sending a real NFL team!” 49ers 42, Jaguars 17

BROWNS AT CHIEFS – Jason Cambell leads the Browns into Arrowhead against the undefeated Chiefs. What’s not to like? In fact, I feel pretty good about the Browns chances in the AFC championship game rematch with Cambell at the helm. Yes, I own an anvil, why do you ask? Browns 17, Chiefs 13

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – The Dolphins are in free fall. The Patriots can’t even find that in the dictionary, although “bad game” is showing up with disturbing frequency, even in some wins. This will be a good Tom Brady at his peak kind of game. Patriots 30, Dolphins 14

GIANTS AT EAGLES – After seeing Josh Freeman’s first game as a Viking, do the Giants get Matt Barkley? Michael Vick makes this a completely different game but still not enough. Sure, the Giants stink. But the stench has lessened now that they have one win. Make it two. Giants   24, Eagles 20

BILLS AT SAINTS – By halftime, negotiators try to stop the carnage. Saints 45, Bills 13

COWBOYS AT LIONS – Matt Stafford will have a big game. So will Tony Romo, but not as big. He won’t have an opportunity to even make a last-minute blunder, as it will be over long before the last minute. Lions 31, Cowboys 21

JETS AT BENGALS – The Jets just beat the Patriots so I am sure that Rex Ryan has convinced Geno Smith that he just won Super Bowl. That never works. Bengals 24, Jets 12

STEELERS AT RAIDERS – I am not buying the Steelers resurgence. Not at all. Raiders 26, Steelers 19

REDSKINS AT BRONCOS – All the touchdowns Peyton Manning didn’t throw last week are going to be thrown this week. Broncos 56, Redskins 31

FALCONS AT CARDINALS – Every once in a while, Carson Palmer has a good game. It’s weird, but here it is. Cardinals 29, Falcons 20

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson will have an overdue big game, but his quarterback, Josh Freeman or Christian Ponder, will play exactly like a Minnesota Vikings quarterback. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers can throw touchdown passes in his sleep. Packers 34, Vikings 24

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – The Seahawks defense is not nice to Kellen Clemens. Not nice at all. I’m telling Mom. Seahawks 27, Rams 9

BYE AT RAVENS – After losing the the Steelers last week, the Ravens all sign up for golf lessons.

BYE AT BEARS – Filming the Super Bowl Shuffle, starring Josh McCown.

BYE AT COLTS – Jim Irsay tweets that Johnny Unitas was overrated.

BYE AT CHARGERS – The Chargers walk around acting like tough guys, and they can actually sort of get away with it.

BYE AT TITANS – Now that Bud Adams is dead, they change the name back to Oilers and move back to Houston

BYE AT TEXANS – Hearing the Oilers are coming back, the Texans move to Los Angeles.

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This column is sponsored by the video game, Hipster Concussions.