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These week 17 NFL Picks have hacked the NFL standings and now the Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Yeah, we’re crazy serious!

We can do anything. Johnny Manziel is now officially a giant among men. That’s right. Don’t mess with us!

So Patriots fans, Seahawks fans, Packers fans…. sorry, but your Internet is down. Plus, and this is crucial for understanding us… We love exclamation points!

Here is a picture of Otto Graham.

Use google, you doofuses! You’ll figure out that great football is Cleveland Browns football. Nothing else matters, certainly not the movie, “Draft Day,” which we should have hacked. But we like the movie, “Giant” because it is about Johnny Manziel.

One more thing. Happy Holidays. Sorry but nothing that you got for Christmas works. Certainly not Johnny Manziel!

And another thing. We’re not North Korean and the Browns aren’t really undefeated. This is  surprising to you, and especially to us.

We are Cleveland-based sports hackers. We can prove it. Although we still don’t have the NFL code figured out, we did the code for Lebron James. You didn’t think that would work, did you?

Okay, that’s not true either. The truth is that we actually work for Justin Bieber. Dude loves vandalism, and he’s a big fan of Johnny Football. He is certain by next year that we’ll have this NFL code figured out.

In one year, Johnny Manziel will lead the Browns to the Super Bowl and Justin Bieber will be the halftime show. This is true. Only a real hack would declare that that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT RAVENS – This is such a mismatch, someone should call in NATO. The Ravens have no answer for Connor Shaw, my new favorite Cleveland Brown ever. Browns 31, Ravens 20

BEARS AT VIKINGS – This meaningless game is about Teddy Bridgewater, who is on his way up, and Jay Cutler, who is on his way out. Cutler plays great, proving to be the ultimate conundrum.

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Expanding his sports, JJ Watt hits for the cycle and he also has a triple double. Texans 24, Jaguars 13

COLTS AT TITANS – The prescription from Andrew Luck’s doctor says, “Play the Titans.” Colts 34, Titans 20

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – The Chargers are the better team if they are both playing their best, but the game is in Kansas City. The Chiefs are the better team. Chiefs 24, Chargers 20

JETS AT DOLPHINS – When the game ends, Rex Ryan heads straight to Key West. Dolphins 27, Jets 13

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady plays the first half. Jimmy Garoppolo looks like the best quarterback of the last draft. Patriots 29, Bills 17

EAGLES AT GIANTS – If only the year began every year in December for the Giants. If only it ended in late October for the Eagles. Giants 26, Eagles 13

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Who dat headed to the golf course? Well, at least the Saints know how to beat a bad team. All the Buccaneers know how to do is be a bad team. Saints 31, Buccaneers 20

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – Despite one decent game, the Redskins are still the Redskins. And the Cowboy look seriously awesome. Cowboys 36, Redskins 19

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Win and go to the playoffs to get destroyed and then pick something like 22nd in the draft. Lose and don’t go to the playoffs and pick 9th in the draft. The smart team loses. Falcons 24, Panthers 20

LIONS AT PACKERS – It would be so cool to see the Lions go far into the playoffs. Just like it would be fun to have a unicorn. Packers 29, Lions 20

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks at home. Nuff said. Seahawks 25, Rams 13

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – I am always watching for the sky to fall with old quarterbacks. Earlier this year, I saw it falling on Tom Brady. I was wrong. Now I see the sky falling on Peyton Manning. Raiders 29, Broncos 19

CARDINALS AT 49ers – The 49ers take the field singing the Michigan fight song. That never works. Cardinals 17, 49ers 13

BENGALS AT STEELERS – The Steelers are obviously the better big game team. The game is in Pittsburgh. Andy Dalton always chokes. But while I hate both teams, I hate the Steelers more. Bengals 24, Steelers 23

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This column is sponsored by old acquaintances I’ve forgotten.

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These week 16 NFL picks have given you each vodka for Christmas. You are going to be a big hit in third grade, Jimmy! I did this because each one of you is a Cleveland Browns fan.

I can hear you, Jimmy. No, it’s not illegal for you if no one finds out. Just don’t tell your teacher. Do you think Johnny Manziel told his coach he never read the playbook? Of coursse not, Jimmy. Go to school like a Brown!

Just say you decided to be outgoing in January. That’s all she needs to know. One other thing, Jimmy. If you think of Johnny Manziel, don’t vomit when the room starts spinning.

Now, Grandma, of course I’d love to hear you sing “Born To Be Wild.” And yes, the Johnny Manziel jersey helps. In fact, I need a video of this.

And Bob, my least favorite cousin, family member, and human being, I love you. But if you tell me once more, while wearing that Steelers jersey, everything you learned on FOX News, you get no more vodka from me. It’s the Steelers jersey that offends me the most. No touch with reality, dude. You are a moron. I love you! Idiot.

So while you each open your Christmas vodka and we begin our tradition of screaming at each other like my nine ex-wives scream at me and scream at each of their nine ex-husbands, I’d like to thank all of you who I love so much to remember the passionate immortal words of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “I didn’t see anything.”

In other words, what happens at Christmas stays at Christmas. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles is just good enough to make sure the Jaguars don’t draft an actual talented quarterback. Jaguars 21, Titans 13

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Mark Sanchez just likes throwing to the other team more, that’s why. Redskins 27, Eagles 24.

CHARGERS AT 49ers – I am really psychic on these games that have already happened. I bet nobody notices how accurate I really am. Chargers 38, 49ers 35

BROWNS AT PANTHERS – Madison Avenue has this as Money sign versus Superman. But this is more than branding. Last week, Johnny Manziel looked like an 8th grader getting chased by convicted felons. This week, he eats a Snickers bar. Browns 30, Panthers 20

LIONS AT BEARS – Jimmy Clausen? Nice try Bears. Sure, it’s Christmas and all, but he’s not Santa Clausen. Lions 31,Bears 6

RAVENS AT TEXANS – Unless JJ Watt is playing quarterback, which he really should, this gets ugly fast. Ravens 26, Texans 9

VIKINGS AT DOLPHINS – The Mediocre Bowl. Dolphins 21, Vikings 20

FALCONS AT SAINTS – Both defenses are given the day off as a Christmas present. Saints 44, Falcons 43

PATRIOTS AT JETS – Rex Ryan sold his Bill Belichick voodoo doll in a garage sale earlier this month. Big mistake. Patriots 50, Jets 20

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – All I want for Christmas is for the Steelers to lose. Chiefs 27, Steelers 20

PACKERS AT BUCCANEERS – This is an important game for both teams. The Packers want to win for their push to the playoffs and the Buccaneers want to lose in their push for the draft.  Mission accomplished. Packers 27, Buccaneers 20

GIANTS AT RAMS – Odell Beckham Jr. performs a performs a triple flip with a half twist on his first touchdown pass as an ode to competitive diving. He’s also a fan of figure skating. Giants 24, Rams 23

COLTS AT COWBOYS – It has been shown that once Andrew Luck throws a pick six, he’s warmed up. Colts 42, Cowboys 41

BILLS AT RAIDERS – With only a season or so before they move to Los Angeles, Raiders fans get a victory in Oakland. Raiders 10, Bills 9

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Ryan Lindley’s Christmas card includes a deer in the headlights. Seahawks 20, Cardinals 3

BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton knows how to lose prime time games as well as anyone. Broncos 26, Bengals 13

This column is sponsored by Humbug.

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These Week 15 NFL Picks are smaller than any accusations about us – whether by Marvin Lewis or Diane Feinstein. We are small just like our heroes, Johnny Manziel and the CIA.

Sure, we are exciting. But that’s because we are sneaky and slippery – and made for Hollywood. Just like Johnny Manziel, and the CIA.

Yes, news is out that we have tortured our opponents, just like Manziel did in college and the CIA did a decade ago. While the CIA is saying it does not torture any more, and many are saying that Manziel can’t torture anyone in the NFL, we say torture by the arrogant and disrespected is, quite frankly, to be expected.

In his own words, Johnny Manziel has said (well, texted) that he’s going to “wreck this league.” And that was before Marvin Lewis made light of Manziel’s shortish stature. So guess who gets wrecked first.

And the CIA, whose primary job used to be to lie, is saying they don’t torture. So that’s believable, right?

Everything the CIA does is with the justification of stopping a hypothetical ticking time bomb. Johnny Football is no longer hypothetical, and when he throws bombs to Josh Gordon, the enemy is expected to be fearful about whatzgonnahappen.

CARDINALS AT RAMS – In an NFL season, teams turn into what they are. Early on, the Rams defense stunk, but it’s actually good. And the Cardinals? Well, they are the Cardinals. Rams 23, Cardinals 17

TEXANS AT COLTS – While you may think this game is about Andrew Luck versus Ryan Fitzpatrick and will be a blowout, it’s actually much closer when you think about it as Luck versus JJ Watt. Colts 30, Texans 24

PACKERS AT BILLS – The Packers defense is vulnerable and this feels almost like a trap game. Almost. Packers 24, Bills 23

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Josh McCown versus Derek Anderson, and the game means something! Panthers 20, Buccaneers 17

BENGALS AT BROWNS – The race is on between Johnny Manziel and his buddy, Lebron to see who can bring the first championship to Cleveland since middle-aged men were little boys. All are begging Bieber to stay away. Browns 40, Bengals 20

STEELERS AT FALCONS – Ben Roethlisger asks the media not to call him Big Ben anymore. Instead, he wants to be called by his new nickname, Fat Albert, in honor of his hero, Bill Cosby. Falcons 34, Steelers 27

JAGUARS AT RAVENS – Blake Bortles is already beginning to see the ghost of Blaine Gabbert. Ravens 30, Jaguars 13

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? Giants 20, Redskins 10

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – This is a message game from Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and Darrelle Revis. Patriots 31, Dolphins 14

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Even when the Chiefs are struggling, it’s still tough for a high school team like the Raiders to win in Kansas City. Chiefs 19, Raiders 16

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – I cannot understand the Chargers, while the Broncos are already planning how to get past the upcoming playoff loss. Broncos 20, Chargers 19

JETS AT TITANS – To improve ratings, the NFL announces the fourth quarter will be played on Madden by two randomly drawn fans. Titans 10, Jets 9

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – All signs point to a blowout. I never read signs. Seahawks 25, 49ers 22

VIKINGS AT LIONS – The curse of Fauria’s twerk is now in motion, so to speak. If the Lions had ever been good, it would become as famous as the curse of the Bambino. Vikings 23, Lions 20

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Tony Romo, AKA Mr. November, plays as if he still has a turkey leg in his hand. Cowboys 33, Eagles 23

SAINTS AT BEARS = The Saints in Chicago in December? That’s hilarious. Bears 30, Saints 17

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This column is sponsored by Overdue Rent On Dick Cheney’s Undisclosed Location.

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These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! Once more…  These week 14 NFL picks can’t breath!

That’s how a Cleveland Browns season always ends. The people choking it won’t listen.

We’ve been holding our breath while the Cleveland Browns vacillated between Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel. We have tried telling the people in charge, but they had no concern about all the quarterback controversies that have killed so many seasons in the past.

It’s just another Cleveland Browns season, seems to be the thinking. It’s not like it’s as valuable as, say, a New England Patriots season or a Dallas Cowboys season, right? When it happens to the Browns, no one really notices or cares if it happens again.

But we noticed. We screamed that we can’t breath, and yet Manziel versus Hoyer happened.
The team has always done this to me, but this… right in front of everybody, and then acting like it’s no big deal?

Really? Even non-Browns fans can’t breath. Hardly any Americans can breath any more in an atmosphere where it seems no one knows whatzgonnahappen.

COWBOYS AT BEARS – Both teams had a bad Thanksgiving, but Jay Cutler ate more turkey. Cowboys 27, Bears 24

BUCCANEERS AT LIONS – The Buccaneers have a chance to draft Jameis Winston, and the sheriff in Tampa Bay is already shopping for an agent for a book deal he expects. Lions 30, Buccaneers 13

JETS AT VIKINGS –The Jets only threw the ball 13 times last week. In an effort at re-branding, they change their name to the New York Bicycles. Vikings 17, Jets 6

RAMS AT REDSKINS – The Rams enter the stadium in a “hands-up” pose. The Redskins just figure the Rams have already scored a touchdown and put their hands over their eyes. But then Colt McCoy calls the old “aw shucks” play. Redskins 22, Rams 16

RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Neither team is good or bad bu the Dolphins are at home. Dolphins 24, Ravens 21

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees gets contacted every day by job recruiters for sales jobs in the insurance, automobile, and real estate industries. This week, he sells you that the Saints are good. This proves only that he is a good salesman. Saints 30 Panthers 14

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Andy Dalton has a fourth quarter comeback and someone will be delusional enough to think that means something. I hope that someone isn’t me. Bengals 24, Steelers 21

GIANTS AT TITANS – Tom Coughlin writes the third chapter of his book about never giving up during this game. Titans 33, Giants 10

COLTS AT BROWNS – The gods wanted Johnny Manziel versus Andrew Luck. It was destiny, it seemed. And yet Brian Hoyer, who has persevered forever, is writing a completely different fairy tale from the very edge of a cliff. Browns 31, Colts 30

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – JJ Watt sings the national anthem, sells popcorn, introduces the team over the loud speaker, and then sacks the quarterback three times while scoring two touchdowns, and collecting money from everyone parking in Lot C. Texans 20 Jaguars 10

CHIEFS AT CARDINALS – After a long evaluation, it turns out that Alex Smith is who I thought he was, before I thought he was something better, which he is not. Cardinals 20, Chiefs 19

BILLS AT BRONCOS – The Bills defense learns that pressuring Peyton Manning is not the same as pressuring Brian Hoyer. Broncos 37, Bills 13

SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – Mark Sanchez against Richard Sherman. Oddly, Sanchez wins. Eagles 27, Seahawks 17

49ers AT RAIDERS – Jim Harbaugh uses the week to decide whether he wants to coach the Raiders, when they move to Los Angeles. 49ers 24, Raiders 14

PATRIOTS AT CHARGERS – A long trip to play a good time on a roll would look like a Patriots bump in the road, but it’s not. That was Green Bay. Patriots 26, Chargers 22

FALCONS AT PACKERS – The United Nations and Amnesty International are monitoring this game by the fourth quarter. Packers 40, Falcons 3

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This column is sponsored by Police Officer Badge Number 007.

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These week 13 NFL Picks put on a this cool blue uniform to give thanks for not being charged by a grand jury for picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl for each of the last 15 years.

I admitted to it, and there is evidence all over the place that it happened.

But the grand jury in its wisdom decided that I picked the Browns to win all those Super Bowls in self defense. I said that I had no choice, and they chose to believe me because I have a cool blue uniform. I couldn’t believe it. I told them that each time I fired off a Super Bowl prediction, I felt that my life was in danger because the season was charging at me.

So you know what I did this year, don’t you? I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl again because, screw it, I can do whatever I want. Sure, there are witnesses who saw me pick the Browns all those other years. So?

I did it again because I claim I was scared when I did it. The season was charging at me like a demon.

Did you see how I used the words “charging at me” with such effect? I’ve learned if you use those words and you wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want.

But you’ve got to wear a cool blue uniform, which is about the same as wearing a blue Dallas Cowboys uniform in the 1990s and hanging out with Michael Irvin, or a blue New York Giants uniform in the 1980s and hanging out with Lawrence Taylor. With a blue uniform anything goes.

However, if you don’t wear a cool blue uniform, you have to obey the law and even some made-up ones by people wearing cool blue uniforms. If you do wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want and no one cares whatzgonnahappen.

BEARS AT LIONS – I will watch this game while eating a turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce appetizer and then watching as Jay Cutler turns into a turkey while I have my pumpkin pie appetizer. Lions 30, Bears 17

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – For my main course, I will have turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce.. On one side of this game is Jerry Jones. On the other is Mark Sanchez. Even if I draw with a crayon around my hand, I cannot create two more realistic turkeys. Cowboys 31, Eagles 21

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Pumpkin pie piled high with Ice cream made from turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce sounds good for dessert, especially when watching these two teams try to freeze each other out of the end zone. 49ers 13, Seahawks 10

BROWNS AT BILLS – After the contents of Lake Erie were dumped on Buffalo in the form of snow, the Bills return home to face the Browns. Brian Hoyer is stuck in traffic and shows up for only the final 44 seconds. Browns 20, Bills 17

REDSKINS AT COLTS – Robert Griffin III versus Andrew Luck. Wow, I’ve been waiting for this one. What? Colt McCoy versus Andrew Luck. My money says a Colt wins this game. Colts 34, Redskins 27

CHARGERS AT RAVENS – The Chargers, at this point in history, should not even be required to travel east. Just give them a loss, save the gas. Ravens 27, Chargers 20

TITANS AT TEXANS – JJ Watt is thankful that Zach Mettenberger is slow. Texans 24, Titans 13

PANTHERS AT VIKINGS – I don’t like Cam Newton’s ankles, and I don’t trust Teddy Bridgewater’s game. Ben Tate runs for 100. Vikings 17, Panthers 10

GIANTS AT JAGUARS – I want to sit next to Odell Beckham Jr. at Thanksgiving because I know when he passes the gravy, he will not drop it. Giants 19, Jaguars 9

RAIDERS AT RAMS – Both of these teams used to play in Los Angeles, and somehow that makes this game interesting. I hate what Hollywood puts out these days. Rams 19, Raiders 18

BENGALS AT BUCCANEERS – A 1 PM game that is not on national TV against a bad team is about the only way to bet on the Bengals. Still, this feels like a trap game. Buccaneers 23, Bengals 16

SAINTS AT STEELERS – The Saints are probably going to make the playoffs by continuing to do what they will do this Sunday, lose on the road. Steelers 31, Saints 24

CARDINALS AT FALCONS – A battle of first place teams has never looked quite like this. Cardinals 29, Falcons 17

PATRIOTS AT PACKERS – A Super Bowl preview? Not so fast. It’s only November. But this would be the Super Bowl if it were held right now. in November, neutral field, Patriots win. In New England, Patriots win. In Green Bay? Remember, the season is not on the line. Packers 34, Patriots 28

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Peyton Manning is aging in recent weeks in ways that Tom Brady did earlier in the year. While the Chiefs loss to the Raiders was embarrassing, the loud crowd fixes the wound. Chiefs 26, Broncos 23

DOLPHINS AT JETS – With nothing to lose, Rex Ryan gives Joe Namath a uniform, a bottle of vodka, and a playbook. He hires Suzy Kolber as offensive coordinator. Dolphins 22, Jets 6

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This column is sponsored by gravy.

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These week 12 NFL Picks have come to America with a dream to see the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. Thankfully, the Prognosticator of the United States of America has issued an executive order to make my dream come true.

So here I am in America, working the job you wish you had if you had really dumb wishes. I came here from the old country, and I do the hard work – what needs to be done. No one else would lower themselves to root for the Cleveland Browns for the last 20 years as I’ve done. People walk by and laugh. So what, I think. I am in America.

I was once deported. Actually, the Cleveland Browns were deported to Baltimore and somehow returned to Cleveland three years later. I do not understand American laws, which are never fair. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes that is bad.

But now, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl because of something called The Dream Act. I love living in America because I watch FOX News, which is a defender of all immigrants who got here two hundred years ago and most immigrants who got here 100 years ago. Two hundred years ago is when the Cleveland Browns last won an NFL championship, according to my Texas schoolbook, from which I learn everything.

As an immigrant, I get confused by American traditions. For instance, why doesn’t everyone root for the Cleveland Browns? If you lived in my old country and you didn’t root for the Cleveland Browns, you really wouldn’t want to know whatzgonnahappen.

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – This would be a trap game if it weren’t the Raiders, who are just trapped. Chiefs 24, Raiders 17

BUCCANEERS AT BEARS – Lovie Smith and Josh McCown against Jay Cutler is a bad idea for a television show. Bears 23, Buccaneers 20

LIONS AT PATRIOTS – This will be closer than some think. The Patriots defense and running game are clicking, but Tom Brady’s off days still worry me. I see a late Matthew Stafford mistake. Patriots 27, Lions 22

BROWNS AT FALCONS – Josh Gordon is back. Yes, I live on a grassy knoll but I smell a Johnny Manziel appearance this week. Welcome to the future. Browns 31, Falcons 26

JETS AT BILLS – I favor the Bills running game in seven feet of snow. Bills 13, Jets 10

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Magic Johnson compared Aaron Rodgers to Larry Bird, so Rodgers throws some spectacular passes. Packers 44, Vikings 23

JAGUARS AT COLTS – Andrew Luck is beginning to feel the weight of expectations, and the bigger weight of the tradition of Colts teams with no defense. Still, these are the Jaguars. Colts 38, Jaguars 13

TITANS AT EAGLES – I am going to go out on a limb and suggest that Zach Mettenberger versus Mark Sanchez is not a matchup we’re going to be talking about for years to come. Eagles 30, Titans 17

BENGALS AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallet is who you think he is, and Andy Dalton is that too. So who is more like that? Brain teasers such as this make my brain hurt, until I remember that JJ Watt is the best player in the game. Texans 23, Bengals 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – The Cardinals look unstoppable. The Seahawks look incredibly vulnerable. But this is November, the season of upsets. So it is an upset for the vulnerable Seahawks to lose at home? No. That’s why they don’t, proving that logic ain’t logical. Seahawks 31, Cardinals 28

RAMS AT CHARGERS – The Rams are in the midst of a little run of good. Well, midst was a bit optimistic unless one meant in the midst of a bad season. Chargers 24, Rams 20

DOLPHINS AT BRONCOS – So Peyton Manning stinks and the Dolphins are awesome, right? Well, this is the lock of the season. Broncos 42, Dolphins 20

REDSKINS AT 49ers – If RGIII is selling a product, I’m not buying. Advertisers must be thrilled. 49ers 20, Redskins 10

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – As long as the rubber bands and Elmer’s Glue holding Tony Romo’s spine together hold up, the Cowboys should be good. Eli Manning writes a best-selling book called, “Intercepted.” Cowboys 38, Giants 19

RAVENS AT SAINTS – Who dat? Dat the losing team. Ravens 23, Saints 21

BYE AT PANTHERS –Cam Newton changes his first name to “Can’t”.

BYE AT STEELERS – LeGarrette Blount opens a store in Colorado. Of course he does.

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This column is sponsored by Palm Tree Envy.

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These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Ohio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT BENGALS – The Bengals jump out to a quick 13-0 lead in the first quarter while Brian Hoyer listens to “Johnny B. Goode”. Sufficiently pumped, Hoyer’s mind enters the game midway through the second quarter.. Browns 31, Bengals 13

TITANS AT RAVENS – Zach Mettenberger is surprised to find out that “Dude!” is not one of the Titans plays. Ravens 30, Titans 17

CHIEFS AT BILLS – Most weeks, I say I don’t believe in the Bills and then they win. This week I don’t believe in the Bills, so if I were you I would bet on them. Chiefs 23, Bills 20

DOLPHINS AT LIONS – I trust Matthew Stafford more than I trust Ryan Tannehill, but I trust that guy who always lies to me more than I trust either one Lions 29, Dolphins 10

49ers AT SAINTS – Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? Saints 28, 49ers 21

STEELERS AT JETS – I’d bet that someone in Pittsburgh in the last two weeks has said that Ben Roethlisberger is better than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. I remember when I had my first beer. Jets 24, Steelers 20

COWBOYS AT JAGUARS AT LONDON – Jerry Jones demands to be knighted. If Tony Romo plays, he’s a knight. If Brandon Weeden plays, good night. I hear from my sources on the Internet that it is Romo. Cowboys 27, Jaguars 13

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – This is a classic division battle of a 2-6 team versus a 1-7 team. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 20

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Peyton Manning is in a bad mood against a bad team. This makes for a bad game. Broncos 55, Raiders 25

RAMS AT CARDINALS – So this week’s consensus is that the Cardinals are the best team in the NFL, eh? Well, even I can join that kind of consensus for one week. Cardinals 27, Rams 17

GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – The person who told me this will be a close game showed me the deed he has on the Brooklyn Bridge. Seahawks 32, Giants 13

BEARS AT PACKERS  – The Bears are pretty horrible, except when they aren’t. The Packers defense helps the Bears not be horrible, but not enough to help them win. Packers 35, Bears 27

PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Mark Sanchez shows that Chip Kelly can plug in quarterbacks the way that the Denver Broncos used to be able to plug in running backs. Yes, Buttfumble McGee is going to look like a star this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 23

BYE AT COLTS – Andrew Luck tunes up his Amish buggy.

BYE AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater joins Skinny Anonymous.

BYE AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers sells his Philip Rivers jersey and buys a Johnny Manziel jersey because he wants to be popular.

BYE AT REDSKINS – Democrats in Congress send a lame duck good luck to Robert Griffin III .

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Billl Belichick and Tom Brady audition for True Detective,

BYE AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallett prepares what he is going to say after his first three-interception game.

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This column is sponsored by fear of those I don’t understand.

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These Week 9 NFL Picks vote for the Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady rivalry for an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, an Emmy, and because we are Browns fans, a Bernie.

We’d vote for both of them for Congress in every race if we could. They sure could quarterback this country, huh? We think Putin would freak if he heard Manning yelling, “Omaha!”

By we, I mean the shadow corporation backing the LLC that operates the non-profit overseas partnership that controls this website. What’s Gonna Happen is like a cross between the Mafia and the Koch Brothers – a mere barometer of the times we live in. That election on Tuesday? It’s ours.

We have been accused of trying to rig this midterm election. We are not trying.

But our hearts are pure when we bring you this message on the rivalry of Manning versus Brady.

The rivalry spans three teams, two men, and one conference. As the century turned, the rivalry was born, unknowingly to everyone but the script writer and, perhaps, the actors. It has been theatrical, musical; lyrical, and mythical.

Manning versus Brady. You wish your team was part of this.

Let’s say, for some reason, you were a Cleveland Browns fan. Why would we wish this on you? Our hearts are pure…. pure evil.

Yeah, so let’s say you were cursed with rooting for the Cleveland Browns with a quarterback carousel more than twenty names long while Brady and Manning have been the gold standard of a rivalry for more than a decade. If that were the case, you would wish your team was part of this.

Brady versus Manning, both playing great at a midway point of the season is how a rivalry gets to win a Bernie so early every year. Sure, this stuff is rigged. You know it, and we know it. Just don’t tell anyone.

See, we know who wins every election anywhere. The president of your local garden club? That’s us. The vice president of Mrs. Stevens 3rd grade class in Peoria? Us too. We did it the same way we backed all the candidates that will win in Tuesday’s election. We backed them with a campaign strategy of manilla envelopes stuffed with unmarked cash, as this is a foolproof way to make sure you get to say whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – It would be fun to believe in the Saints again, just like it would be fun to believe in the Panthers ever. Saints 28 Panthers 10

BUCCANEERS AT BROWNS – Brian Hoyer is missing his Pro Bowl center, his Pro Bowl wide receiver, his Pro Bowl tight end, and probably the Pro Bowl. But Tampa is missing it’s defense, so the Browns running game returns. Browns 27, Buccaneers 13.

JETS AT CHIEFS – These are the Jets of Malaysia Airlines. Chiefs 32, Jets 13

CHARGERS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins are playing really well, and the Chargers are traveling across the country. Add it up and you can see why I failed at math. Chargers 24, Dolphins 19

CARDINALS AT COWBOYS – So if Tony Romo doesn’t play, the Cardinals blitzing defense will make stew of deer-in-the-headlights Brandon Weeden. If Romo does play, Romo stew. Cardinals 23, Cowboys 20

REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Rusty and average RGIII returns to the Redskins, not as a savior for anything other than Colt McCoy’s career. Vikings 17, Redskins 9

JAGUARS AT BENGALS – Blake Bortles suddenly looks a quarterback from an unknown school who got drafted way too high. Bengals 34, Jaguars 14

EAGLES AT TEXANS – It turns out that Nick Foles is falling back to earth. This week, he is pushed to the Earth by JJ Watt. Texans 24, Eagles 21

RAMS AT 49ers – Austin Davis was a fairy tale, but Halloween is over. No more wearing that Cinderella costume. 49ers 30, Rams 14

BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – Windy and crummy New England weather should mean that Peyton’s ducks get caught by the likes of Darelle Revis. Patriots 29, Broncos 20

RAIDERS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks have a 12th man. The Raiders can’t count to 12. Seahawks 31, Raiders 11

RAVENS AT STEELERS – An intriguing game as the Steelers can’t figure out if they are awesome or awful. Call this an awkward win. Steelers 13, Ravens 12

COLTS AT GIANTS – During Halloween, the kid dressed as Ben Roethlisberger scared the daylights out of Indianapolis residents. The kid dressed as Eli Manning didn’t scare anyone. Colts 26, Giants 17

BYE AT FALCONS – The Falcons are winning in the first half, but then the Bye rallies with three quick touchdowns and the Falcons lose again.

BYE AT BILLS – Sammy Watkins practices running all the way into the end zone. Then he practices finishing his lunch.

BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler hails a cab to the wrong destination.

BYE AT LIONS – All new factory parts have been installed in Megatron.

BYE AT PACKERS – To the tune of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect,” Aaron Rodgers releases the song “Relax”.

BYE AT TITANS – Ken Whisenhunt has a great plan to run an NFL team, if only he could remember where he put it.

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This column is sponsored by a little league fastball from 1998.

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These Week 8 NFL Picks admit from Canada that no one here knew President Obama created the security breach that allowed the Jacksonville Jaguars to beat the Cleveland Browns last week.

We are saddened by what happened. We are now vigilant. Even the Oakland Raiders frighten us.

Our heroes at FOX News explained that the loss to the Jaguars was Obama’s fault, just like that recent terror attack on Canada. Obama has been a terrible leader for Canada, and it now seems that almost everyone we know has Ebola, or a couple of terrorists in their family.

There has been a lot of confusion around here. Fans rushing around, wondering if order will be restored. It will. It has to be. Usually order means the Cleveland Browns are on the bottom, but now there is finally a new world order in which the people who terrorized the Cleveland Browns realize they messed with the wrong team.

For instance, it has taken decades but this next game against the Oakland Raiders is revenge for the Browns playoff loss to the Raiders in 1980. Vigilant, eh?

That’s right, the Raiders don’t frighten us. Sure, it’s only been three paragraphs but that’s enough time to laugh at our previous fear. The Raiders are a joke of a threat. Yeah, the Jaguars were too. What’s your point?

Our point is  that we will not be intimidated by these laughable threats because we believe in Cleveland Browns exceptionalism, that everything is Obama’s fault, and especially in whatzgonnahappen.

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Everybody loves Peyton Manning more than Philip Rivers. I have never belonged to everybody. I don’t trust that group. Chargers 41, Broncos 40

LIONS AT FALCONS AT LONDON – The Falcons recruit the guardsmen from Buckingham Palace to play offensive line, but the Lions still win because Ndamukong Suh does not respect authority. Lions 28, Falcons 21

SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS – Remember when the Seahawks were the best team in football?. The Panthers defense does in the first half, but Cam Newton has no clue about that ancient history. Panthers 27, Seahawks 20

RAVENS AT BENGALS – Steve Smith looks like a man possessed, and the Bengals look like the Bengals. Ravens 24, Bengals 17

DOLPHNS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars got a huge boost of false confidence after beating the Browns last week. Normally, the Dolphins are happy to bring any opponent false confidence too, but this week they fail as the Jaguars are incapable of two in a row. Dolphins 26, Jaguars 13

RAMS AT CHIEFS – I like the story of Austin Davis, but I think the Chiefs have righted the ship. Chiefs 27, Rams 29

BEARS AT PATRIOTS – It’s a good time to play the Bears right now, and a really bad time to play the Patriots. Patriots 42, Bears 20

BILLS AT JETS – The Bill are a mirage. The Jets aren’t as bad as they look, and Percy Harvin will help before he hurts. Jets 27, Bills 17

VIKINGS AT BUCCANEERS – Teddy Bridgewater against Mike Glennon is not must-see TV. Buccaneers 20, Vikings 13

TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans stay at mediocre by barely beating the bad Titans, starting a rookie quarterback. Texans 24, Titans 22

EAGLES AT CARDINALS – Sure, the Eagles have had time to prepare for this, but I like the Cardinals at home in this game of two teams playing well. Cardinals 28, Eagles 26

RAIDERS AT BROWNS – The legend of local hero, Brian Hoyer, hit a bump last week in Jacksonville, but the Raiders are a perfect storybook chapter to turn it around. One of these weeks, the Browns defense will start to play like Dawgs, instead of like dogs. Maybe this is the week. Browns 31, Raiders 9

COLTS AT STEELERS – Andrew Luck will light up the Steelers defense. Colts 38, Steelers 25

PACKERS AT SAINTS – It’s that weird time of the season when teams that look horrible can have a great game. I’m talking about the Saints. Saints 36, Packers 26

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – In a long line of really horrible Browns starting quarterbacks, Colt McCoy was one of the best. The kid can play, and I say the Redskins pull a stunner, just to mess further with RGIII’s head..Cowboys

BYE AT GIANTS – Eli Manning opens a pastry shop called, “Turnovers.”

BYE AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick gets a tattoo of Jim Harbaugh getting fired.

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This column is sponsored by Scotch tape and rubber bands.

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These Week 7 NFL Picks are coming from inside the protective suit of my warped perspective, as my favorite football team is about to play its next three games against the Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – combined record, 1-16.

I have a false sense of confidence. It makes me extraordinarily happy.

I feel so secure in my belief that the Cleveland Browns are about to look like the best team in the NFL that I’m sure it will, within weeks, be clear to everyone else that there is no saving me from this fever and these delusions. And that’s fine with me too.

If the end comes and I must bury this NFL season as I have every other NFL season of my life, abandoned by the team that I love, I will savor my team from inside of this protective suit, with no peripheral vision to speak of.

Living inside this protective suit is really not that bad. Did you know you can tailgate inside these things. Yep, I’ve got beer in here and I’m cooking cheeseburgers. So frankly, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen.

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Geno Smith has as much of a chance of going to the Super Bowl as Tom Brady, which therefore means Brady has as much of a chance as Smith to go there. Patriots 29, Jets 22

FALCONS AT RAVENS – Two big armed quarterbacks, but Joe Flacco is better and Steve Smith is the first player on the Baltimore Ravens I’ve ever liked even for a moment, and I was vomiting at the time. Ravens 30, Falcons 20

VIKINGS AT BILLS – It’s a bad pun but I am tired, so like a bridge over troubled water, Teddy Bridgewater tumbles over Niagara Falls with the Bills defense chasing him. Bills 31, Vikings 13

DOLPHINS AT BEARS – Chicago and Jay Cutler are always up and down, as are the Dolphins and Ryan Tannehill. The Bears are at home, and the Dolphins really are the Dolphins, while Tannehill should worry that next year’s fifth round draft pick will beat him out. Bears 36, Dolphins 24

SAINTS AT LIONS – The strengths are the Saints offense and the Lions defense. But I am more interested in the weaknesses. I don’t trust the Saints defense more than I don’t trust the Lions offense. Lions 24, Saints 20

PANTHERS AT PACKERS – Sure, it’s in Green Bay and the Packers offense looks awesome. Cam Newton wins the game by himself, because the Packers defense is offensive. Panthers 41, Packers 38

BENGALS AT COLTS – The Bengals could not take being called the best team in the NFL, and it may take them weeks to recover. Colts 27, Bengals 23

BROWNS AT JAGUARS – Johnny Manziel sells Johnny Bench jerseys. Brian Hoyer hears that Brian Sipe has already recommended that the play, Red Right 88 be taken out of the playbook.  It’s at that level in Cleveland. And Blake Bortles wishes he had the opportunity to change his name to Blake Bench. Browns 32, Jaguars 22

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – This is going to be closer than you think, but the Seahawks will win and make you question why you think they are so good. Seahawks 23, Rams 17

TITANS AT REDSKINS – Kirk Cousins gets one more game tape that he can show to his grandchildren. Redskins 30, Titans 25

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers plays just like Bernie Kosar, and gets the kind of credit Kosar did – not enough. Chargers 31, Chiefs 21

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – As much as it pains me, the Cowboys are on a roll. I take comfort in knowing it shall not last into January. Still, it was fun to watch Jerry Jones be so billion-dollar sad. Cowboys 28, Giants 16

CARDINALS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr is actually going to be pretty good – maybe, possibly, perhaps even plausibly… if stupid people quit running the Raiders. But not good enough this week. Cardinals 29, Raiders 19

49ers AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning versus that 49ers defense is one of the reasons that God invented the NFL. Broncos 32, 49ers 29

TEXANS AT STEELERS – Four words for entrepreneurs in Pittsburgh: Terrible Towel Toilet Paper. Texans 40, Steelers 20

BYE AT EAGLES – LeSean McCoy leaps a tall building in a single bound.

BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Curled up sobbing in a locked room under the covers. That’s the official pose of Buccaneers fans this year.

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This column is sponsored by New Year’s Eve, 1949.