—

These week 17 NFL picks, on the advice of a singing psychic composed entirely of vodka and makeup, will now take my final curtain.

I am checking in from the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes, where I always perform karaoke Frank Sinatra.

Regrets, I’ve had a few. I picked the Browns to win every game. But now the end is near, and instead the Browns have looked quite lame.

So uh yeah, I did it my way.

Stupid. My way.

With that, I would like to say goodbye to this sad referee-tainted, Donald Trump-infested, Mike Pettine-coached season.

America is already great. Get over it. The Cleveland Browns are not great. I am not over it.

So there will be no playoff or Super Bowl picks by me this year. Well okay… I still pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. But as for the rest of the playoffs…

As my both of my loyal readers (Hi Mom & Dad) know, I have picked the Cleveland Browns to win every game since George Washington was President. Every week.

And almost every week since the beginning of this “new” franchise in 1999, the Cleveland Browns have lost. Just about every game.

And I just now realized that this is a one-way relationship.

I like my team. They do not like me. I am loyal to my team. They hate me. How did I not see this before?

I always pick them to win, even in weeks when no one else, not even their own players thought they could win. They could not win. They would not win. They can not win. They never win. Winning is against their nature. They do not like to be nice to me. They like to lose.

So they lose. The following week, I pick them to win again. And what do they do? They lose. Imagine my surprise.

Year after year this happens in a sort of rinse-and-repeat pattern. And I do this year after year.

Well no more. At the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes karaoke, I met a wise Streisand-singing woman held together, like all the good ones, by vodka and makeup. And she told me that I have been the hostage of a horrible football team long enough.

What a dame. We bowled, we drank, we sang the Captain and Tenille karaoke. She convinced me that the NFL season really was over.

So we checked into a romantic rent-by-the-hour motel room on the wrong side of the tracks. The very last words I remember her saying was, Let them figure out whatzgonnahappen.

JETS AT BILLS – There is nothing Rex Ryan wants more than beating the Jets. Well, except for  quarterback and a winning season, and a disciplined team. No wait, he does not want a disciplined team. Jets 28, Bills 20

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Now that the one loss is out of the way, the more talented Panthers give the Buccaneers a better draft pick. Panthers 30, Buccaneers 21

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – For a strategic advantage, the Patriots deflate the football because no one would ever suspect them of that. Patriots 33, Dolphins 22

RAVENS AT BENGALS – The Bengals are better, at home, and they have something to play for. It shouldn’t be close, but these are the Bengals. Bengals 24, Ravens 20

SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Falcons are on a huge roll, right into the off-season. Drew Brees and Sean Payton hire the same real estate agent. Falcons 38, Saints 20

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Blake Bortles looks legitimate but the Jaguars defense does not. Texans 30, Jaguars 20

STEELERS AT BROWNS – How can you not be excited for the annual firing of the coach? Browns 1,000,000, Steelers 0

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – The Chiefs matriculate the ball down the field much more than the Raiders pursue excellence. Chiefs 29, Raiders 17

TITANS AT COLTS – The Titans want the number 1 draft pick more than the Colts aren’t trying. Yes, I said that right. Colts 24, Titans 13

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – The night after the season ends, Jerry Jones has a Johnny Manziel wet dream. Redskins 23, Cowboys 10

LIONS AT BEARS – The Bears at home. Actually who cares, but heck, the Bears at at home.  Bears 26, Lions 24

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Chip Kelly feels for Tom Coughlin. Eagles 20, Giants 19

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers sees Teddy Bridgewater do that discount doublecheck thing. Vikings 27, Packers 23

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning snorts lines of HGH on the sidelines. Broncos 27, Chargers 20

49ers AT RAMS – This is the We Need A  Quarterback Bow. Rams 20, 49ers 13

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – A playoff preview that won’t feature playoff caliber football. Cardinals 30, Seahawks 17

This column is sponsored by melancholy and beer.

– Elvis Presley

—

These week 16 NFL picks by the Returns Department see an awful lot of football fans out there in line trying to return their team’s season.

A lot of Browns fans. Familiar faces. I see them every year.

And while I am great friends with Browns fans, things are cool here because I’ve also gotten to know Cowboys fans quite well. And let’s just say that I sure love seeing Ravens fans here.

This is a fun place to work, but I admit there is stress. Some things have a No-Return policy. For instance, Donald Trump. While America is stuck with him, I have had to deal with many unreasonable people who think I’ll take him back.

But just like the football seasons that so many disappointed fans are trying to return, Donald Trump fits under our other policy: You Break It, You Bought It.

That’s just how life works. You’ll see when you stick around to see whatzgonnahappen.

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – It goes to overtime. Yeah, the game does too, but it’s near overtime for which team gets to Los Angeles. Raiders 23, Chargers 20

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Winning in Washington under Daniel Snyder? Has the Earth’s rotation reversed? Redskins 38, Eagles 24

GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Odell Beckham Jr. spends his day off by watching “Concussion”. Vikings 23, Giants 13

BEARS AT BUCCANEERS – Remember when the Bears fired Lovie Smith? Lovie Smith does. Buccaneers 30, Bears 20

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – If the Falcons had anything resembling a backbone, this game would be an upset special. Instead, it’s the game those 1-800 lines give as the lock of the week. Panthers 42, Falcons 20

COWBOYS AT BILLS – By Jerry Jones’ fourth cocktail, he believes Kellen Moore throws a prettier ball than Brandon Weeden. Bills 30, Cowboys 10

JAGUARS AT SAINTS – Defense? Never heard of it. Jaguars 38, Saints 31

49ers AT LIONS – The NFL recommends that you go see “Concussion” instead of watching this game. Lions 30. 49ers 17

BROWNS AT CHIEFS – Johnny Manziel says he wants the Browns to keep Mike Pettine as coach. These are the words of a man who has lied many times before. Of course I believe him. Browns 35, Chiefs 34

COLTS AT DOLPHINS – It’s a good time of year to go to Miami. Hang out by the pool. Drink some margaritas… football? Dolphins 27, Colts 13

PATRIOTS AT JETS – The Patriots use the drone that Bill Belichick got for Christmas to spy on the Jets. Patriots 20, Jets 19

TEXANS AT TITANS – Hey, let’s go watch backup quarterbacks play in a meaningless game. I’m in! How much are tickets? Titans 20, Texans 17

PACKERS AT CARDINALS – The Packers have better uniforms and pedigree, but the Cardinals are currently the better team, Cardinals 32, Packers 24

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are playing great football and the Rams are looking for a house in Los Angeles. Seahawks 31, Rams 20

STEELERS AT RAVENS – The Steelers are on their way to the playoffs while the Ravens are on their way to the draft. This game is always sort of the zombie apocalypse to me. Steelers 25, Ravens 9

BENGALS AT BRONCOS – A.J. McCarron got Andy Dalton pajamas for Christmas. Bengals 22, Broncos 20

—

This column is sponsored by Papa John’s Pizza, and Peyton Manning’s Special Sauce.

– The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

—

These week 15 NFL Picks by Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cleveland Browns fan, have already seen three ghosts and a Donald Trump speech, but nothing scares me. I still hate Christmas.

I believe Christmas is the only thing Donald Trump does not hate. But I digress.

The ghosts I saw were Browns failed first round pick Braylon Edwards, Browns failed first round pick Courtney Brown, and Browns failed first round pick Justin Gilbert. None of them are in the NFL anymore.

What? Gilbert is still currently on the Browns? Okay, now I’m scared.

So as you stare at the photo of my hero, Art Modell, and my other hero, Dick Cheney, you should know that I do have the Christmas spirit when it comes to Tiny Tim Cratchet.

I hope he plays a good game at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BUCCANEERS AT RAMS – The Rams uniforms look like urine, so the Buccaneers don’t tackle them. Rams 31, Buccaneers 21

JETS AT COWBOYS – At halftime, Brandon Weeden highlights are shown and his memory is retired. Cowboys 24, Jets 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater has already peaked. Jay Cutler never did or will, but he does have occasional good games. Bears 32, Vikings 18

FALCONS AT JAGUARS – How bad is it in Atlanta? Kyle Shanahan misses RGIII. Jaguars 27, Falcons 12

TEXANS AT COLTS – My backup quarterback is better than your backup quarterback, said no one. Colts 20, Texans 17

CHIEFS AT RAVENS – When this game is over, the Ravens are going to think they ran into a limo with Ray Lewis inside. Chiefs 32, Ravens 12

BILLS AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder sings Christmas Carols in Navajo. Bills 23, Redskins 20

TITANS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick pays off Rudolph to skip Tennessee completely. Rudolph tells Santa the GPS failed, then takes Belichick’s money and goes on a reindeer bender. Patriots 42, Titans 9

PANTHERS AT GIANTS – New York is the logical place where the undefeated season ends. Giants 22, Panthers 21

BROWNS AT SEAHAWKS – Johnny Manziel essentially has your drunk Uncle Bob from Christmas dinner as his main weapon. He outplays Russell Wilson. It’s Christmas week, so Wilson surely knows that it is God’s plan. Browns 34, Seahawks 24

PACKERS AT RAIDERS – There was a time recently when the Packers were bad and the Raiders were good. That time is over. Packers 30, Raiders 20

DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Last game ever in San Diego? Oh well, let’s go surfing. Dolphins 17, Chargers 12

BRONCOS AT STEELERS – It is Christmas week and I don’t want the Steelers to win. This is my column. Broncos 23, Steelers 20

BENGALS AT 49ers – Blaine Gabbert is the best quarterback in this game. But it doesn’t matter. Bengals20, 49ers 6

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – The Cardinals are one of the best teams in the NFL. The Eagles are in the NFL Cardinals 31, Eagles 20

LIONS AT SAINTS – Both these teams had dreams of playoffs. In retrospect, it was sort of cute. Saints 30, Lions 29

—

This column is sponsored by world peace, wrapped in a bow.

—

These week 14 NFL Picks say that until we can figure out what is going on with the Cleveland Browns situation, which may take forever, no more Browns fans should be allowed to enter the United States.

In fact, I’d like to send them all back to Cleveland.

I don’t like what they wear. I don’t like how they talk.

Johnny Football? Really?

See, I like Tom Brady because he cheats, and wins. Those people like Johnny Manziel because he drinks and loses.

Those people – and yes, I called them “those people” because I am not politically correct – cheer for a team that has not been good since Ronald Reagan was president.

Now I love Ronald Reagan, but let’s face it, letting the Cleveland Browns be good was a huge mistake. Huge.

So yeah, I just insulted Reagan. Deal with it, losers!

Oh, and vote for me because when I am president, things will be so fantastic for some people that you seriously won’t believe whatzgonnahappen.

VIKINGS AT CARDINALS – Something tells me Dwight Freeney will be involved in the last play of the game. Cardinals 23, Vikings 20

STEELERS AT BENGALS – The Steelers all travel to Cincinnati to get the Christmas present of their dreams, a Red Ryder BB Gun. Steelers 24, Bengals 21

BILLS AT EAGLES – Chip Kelly can out-coach Bill Belichick, but he melts when facing Rex Ryan. Bills 30, Eagles 20

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Do you remember when Matt Ryan was good and Cam Newton was not? Panthers 31, Falcons 13

49ers AT BROWNS – Johnny Manziel, fumbles, throws and interception and gets a delay of game penalty to start the game. Just as Mike Pettine’s head is about to explode, Manziel’s game does instead.  Browns 35, 49ers 33

REDSKINS AT BEARS – After the game, Rahm Emanuel asks the Redskins to “please take me back to Washington.” Bears 23, Redskins 17

LIONS AT RAMS –  Unlike the Rams, the Lions have a quarterback. Lions 26, Rams 17

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Only one teams tries. Chiefs 34, Chargers

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – The Saints defense dresses in Santa Claus outfits, because they give away so many gifts. Buccaneers 38, Saints 28

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles is better than I thought, but Matt Hasselbeck is not as old as you think. Colts 29, Jaguars 27

TITANS AT JETS – After that win against the Giants, the Jets are due for a letdown. But not against the Titans. Jets 30, Titans 20

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick issues a statement before the game: “We are going to cheat.” And then he refuses to answer any questions. The Texans are so obsessed with this, that they forget to play good football at the end. Actually, the Patriots cheat at the end. Patriots 32, Texans 31

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Broncos players routinely step on Peyton Manning’s injured foot, and poke him hard in his injured ribs to ask him how he is doing. And then they ask Brock Osweiler for his autograph. Broncos 28, Raiders 20

COWBOYS AT PACKERS – These teams met in the playoffs last year. Isn’t that cute? Packers 24, Cowboys 13

SEAHAWKS AT RAVENS – Jimmy Clausen? Seahawks 23, Raven 0

GIANTS AT DOLPHINS – Tom Coughlin is a good coach for three quarters. But in the fourth quarter lately, and especially in Miami, he thinks only about shuffleboard. Giants 23, Dolphins 17

—

This column is sponsored by dreams that don’t come true.

—

These Week 13 NFL Picks come to you from the Biblical end of time. War, flood, famine – Johnny Manziel on the bench.

The Book of Namath; 3.16 says, “If the one known as Johnny Football stays on the bench, the Cleveland Browns will continue to suck. So just give up.”

Some Bible passages can be quite surprising.

Speaking of surprising, we heard on FOX News that the coach of the Cleveland Browns will not even utter the words, “Radical it’s chronic errorism.”

It is sad how politically correct this the coach has become by refusing to name the enemy that is leading this season to the brink of apocalypse.

This coach instead tries to shift the focus to climate change, and then he blames his small, lying drinking celebrity quarterback for that climate.

So sure, climate change is the problem. The Cleveland Browns need a climate change.

The small, lying, drinking celebrity quarterback is not the problem. The mistakes are the problem. And now, here we are, closing in soon on the end of the season.

Yet another apocalypse. Yawn. Wake me when it’s over.

Until then, all the prophets know whatzgonnahappen.

PACKERS AT LIONS – The Thursday Night Football prayer line remains open for business. Packers 27, Lions 23

49ers AT BEARS – The Bears are more respectable than the 49ers. So is your dirty bathroom. Bears 30, 49ers 19

BENGALS AT BROWNS – I was like, “Far out and shagadellic,” when I heard that Austin Powers is starting at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Browns 44, Bengals 6

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The Blake Bortles/Marcus Mariota rivalry continues, said nobody.
Titans 20, Jaguars 17

TEXANS AT BILLS- Brian Hoyer makes Rex Ryan’s defense look like Rob Ryan’s defense. Texans 29, Bills 15

RAVENS AT DOLPHINS – Draft position is on the line in this game where the loser wins. Ravens 20, Dolphins 19

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – If the Saints didn’t normally only play seven players on defense, I’d call this a trap game because the Panthers can’t win every game, can they? Panthers 36, Saints 20

SEAHAWKS AT VIKINGS – Adiian Peterson carries the Vikings. Vikings 24, Seahawks 20

CARDINALS AT RAMS – The Rams spend the entire game arguing about how to decorate the locker room in Los Angeles. Cardinals 33, Rams 23

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – I already like Jameis Winston better than Matt Ryan. Buccaneers 22, Falcons 21

JETS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning is the better mediocre quarterback. Giants 23, Jets 17

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – And this is where the Brock Osweiler mirage comes to an end. Chargers 24, Broncos 13

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – The Chiefs have won five in a row. That ends here. Raiders 24, Chiefs 20

EAGLES AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are so confident that they feel they don’t even need to cheat to win this game. But they cheat anyway, because that’s their thing. That and winning. With the referees help, they hold the Eagles to one point. Patriots 100, Eagles 1

COLTS AT STEELERS – Jim Irsay now owns instruments of each one of The Beatles. He brags about that while his team gets whipped. Steelers 34, Colts 17

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – Jerry Jones breeds a skunk and a rat together so that he can sign the offspring to play linebacker. Redskins 24, Cowboys 23

This column is sponsored by guns.

—

These Week 12 NFL picks by a turkey suggest that all turkeys are Cleveland Browns fans, just as all Browns fans are turkeys.

Stick with me here, because this is about to get newsy. So, you know how Turkey just shot down a Russian fighter jet?

Do you think it is a coincidence that this happened just before Thanksgiving?

Turkey. Violence against humans… you do the math.

We are turkeys, and we are pissed.

Plus (speaking of math) we hate your little thankful holiday where you all sit around and pretend that you don’t have decades old grievances simmering inside.

You want to know about a grievance? First pass the gravy because my family is about to have your Mom for dinner. How’s that feel, pilgrim?

Here’s a grievance worse than seeing your relatives served with cranberry sauce – this week the Cleveland Browns benched the greatest quarterback who  ever lived, Johnny Manziel. And yet, in the now famous video that cost him his job, Johnny Manziel was nowhere near any kind of turkey, even Wild Turkey.

Meanwhile, the people who run the Browns have been called turkeys, but that’s an insult to turkeys. So you can see how this has all built up to this moment.

All I can say is happy Thanksgiving to you and your family (well, except your Mom), from me and my family (well, except generations of relatives). We don’t know how this is going to end but it’s safe to say that at this time of year we’re afraid of whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT LIONS – The last time I looked the Lions had fired everybody and some fan was running the team, while Chip Kelly is running the Eagles. The Lions have a smarter long-term strategy. Lions 24, Eagles 16

PANTHERS AT COWBOYS – This is one of the more interesting Thanksgiving day games I can recall, although tryptophan causes memory loss. That’s what Jerry Jones hopes after the game. Panthers 32, Cowboys 17

BEARS AT PACKERS – Minutes after the Packers retire Brett Favre’s number, he unretires and finishes the game by throwing a touchdown pass to Aaron Rodgers. Packers 29, Bears 22

SAINTS AT TEXANS – It doesn’t appear the Saints fired the defense along with the defensive coordinator. Texans 31, Saints 27

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – The Falcons should re-brand as turkeys. Vikings 24, Falcons 20

RAMS AT BENGALS – Not on prime time. Bengals roll. Bengals 33, Rams 18

BUCCANEERS AT COLTS – Jameis is not the sameis on the road. Colts 23, Buccaneers 20

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – If the Giants make the playoffs and the Patriots are undefeated, this is the kind of game that pushes them forward. Giants 24, Redskins 20

RAIDERS AT TITANS – Derek Carr has advanced farther than Marcus Mariots ever will. Raiders 32, Titans 12

BILLS AT CHIEFS – Rex Ryan looks on the field and sees the NFL has assigned Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus as referees. Chiefs 25, Bills 18

DOLPHINS AT JETS – Which team has fallen apart more? Jets 10, Dolphins 9

JAGUARS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are racing the Browns for the number one pick in the draft but the Chargers aren’t dumb like the Browns so they won’t win meaningless games.

CARDINALS AT 49ers – This will be closer than I thought I think it will. That’s right. Cardinals 24, 49ers 15

STEELERS AT SEAHAWKS – Of the flawed, I believe a lot more in Ben Roethlisberger than I do in the Seahawks defense. Steelers 22, Seahawks 10

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – Bill Belichick had extra-long-lasting tryptophan injected into every turkey in the Denver metropolitan area to make sure the Broncos and their fans were sleepy for the weekend game. Patriots 31, Broncos 21

RAVENS AT BROWNS – Mike Pettine defines “Play Like A Brown” as committing a lot of penalties, not going out of your way to tackle anyone, and never ever going to a party. This guy is a genius. Browns 1,000,000,000, Raven 0

—

This column is sponsored by Donald Trump’s Thanksgiving At A Mosque

—

These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.

Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.

But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.

They have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?

No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.

We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.

We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.

Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Which mediocre quarterback of the future wearing a Power Rangers uniform do you believe in? Jacksonville is at home, so that decides it. Jaguars 19, Titans 13

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – The Kirk Cousins contract talks stall at about halftime. Panthers 30, Redskins 10

RAIDERS AT LIONS – The young Raiders on the road against a suddenly rejuvenated Lions team, right? Wrong on the “rejuvenated” part. These Lions are sadly, just like the one named “Cecil.” Raiders 26, Lions 12

COWBOYS AT DOLPHINS – Tony Romo ain’t rescuing nothing, no how, no way. Dolphins 30, Cowboys 20

COLTS AT FALCONS – Matt Hasselbeck subscription to Fountain of Youth Magazine expires. Falcons 36, Colts 13

RAMS AT RAVENS – When you turn to Case Keenum, you give up even more than a team that has already given up. Ravens 20, Rams 18

JETS AT TEXANS – Geno Smith against TJ Yates. This is a Replacement game. Jets 24, Texans 12

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – This game’s headline should be “Whoa, Slowdown With That Changing Of The Guard Crap.” Packers 31, Vikings 21

BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES – When you know that the first sentence of your starting quarterback’s long-in-the-future obituary will include the words “butt fumble,” you are not in a good place.  Buccaneers 25, Eagles 19

BRONCOS AT BEARS – Brock Osweiler only has to be better than Peyton Manning, which should be easy. Monday’s headline: Broncos ride Osweiler to win. Broncos 32, Bears 17

BENGALS AT CARDINALS – Red Rover, Red Rover, send Andy Dalton over. Cardinals 52, Bengals 20

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are not what the once were. And while Blame Gabbert is slightly better than he once was, and much better than Colin Kaepernick. this won’t be close. Seahawks 26, 49ers 12

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Out of nowhere, here come Chiefs, and into Los Angeles, there go the Chargers. Chiefs 22, Chargers 14

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots hire Harry Potter as Director of Dirty Tricks. Rex Ryan studies to become a potter. Patriots 55, Bills 12

BYE AT SAINTS – The big fat shadow of Rob Ryan hangs over the city.

BYE AT GIANTS – Eli Manning goes to a surgeon to change the stunned sad expression frozen on his face.

BYE AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger writes a children’s book about Jared from Subway.

BYE AT BROWNS – Mike Pettine learns Johnny Manziel’s name.

—

This column is sponsored by the sun rising in the morning.

—

These Week 10 NFL Picks from the campus of Cleveland Browns University demand that everyone step down who runs this sorry excuse for a college. I have been here for decades, and I have not learned anything.

This offends me.

I am so offended that I wanted my football team to go on strike. But it turns out that the football team at Cleveland Browns University is already on strike.

From what I have heard, they don’t like to play football.

So I talked to my bartender/professor about this. Here at Cleveland Browns University, bars count as classrooms.

This explains the curriculum.

My professor said “It is what it is” and then he assigned me to think about this for a long time.

But I felt a need to take action, which is why I am chanting next to that guy over there with his 12th-generation “The End Is Near” sign.

He knows whatzgonnahappen.

BILLS AT JETS – The guy commissioned to make a Rex Ryan statue moved from New York to Buffalo, but he is still working on the feet. Bills 22, Jets 17

LIONS AT PACKERS – The Lions stay home and watch kitten videos. Packers 44, Lions 20

COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Greg Hardy sings the Rod Stewart song, “Every Picture Tells a Story, Don’t It” while sacking Jameis Winston. Matt Cassell is not horrible, which is good enough. Cowboys 26, Buccaneers 14

PANTHERS AT TITANS – The Panthers were patient with Cam Newton, and now it is paying off. Panthers 31, Titans 11

BEARS AT RAMS – The Rams defensive line are in a Thanksgiving mood by getting to feast on Jay Cutler. Rams 20, Bears 19

SAINTS AT REDSKINS – The Saints porous defense will probably make Kirk Cousins look like Drew Brees. But Drew Brees will outduel his doppelganger. Saints 39, Redskins 25

DOLPHINS AT EAGLES – In the week to week reactions of the NFL media, Sam Bradford is now Johnny Unitas. Or wait, is Dan Campbell now Don Shula? I can never remember. Eagles 30, Dolphins 24

BROWNS AT STEELERS – The Browns drive into Pittsburgh with 53 limos, each painted a different color and each arriving at a different time. Mike Pettine organized this. Meanwhile, Johnny Manziel interprets “playing from the pocket” as playing from the seat of his pants. Browns 50, Steelers 0

JAGUARS AT RAVENS – The Ravens defense makes Blake Bortles look good. Try that at home, the Ravens do.. Jaguars 31, Ravens 21

VIKINGS AT RAIDERS – At halftime, both young quarterbacks legally change their names to  Johnny Manziel. Raiders 22, Vikings 17

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – The Broncos go from invincible to very vincible. Chiefs 28, Broncos 22

PATRIOTS AT GIANTS – Patriots receivers apply stick-em to their helmets so that every catch in the game is David Tyree style, because karma is a bitch this year. Brady has a great day throwing at helmets. Patriots 38, Giants 23.

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – It’s the kind of season that has Pete Carroll remembering how much fun he had at USC. Cardinals 23, Seahawks 21

TEXANS AT BENGALS – Brian Hoyer will outplay Andy Dalton, giving the Bengals their first loss. Texans 29, Bengals 22

BYE AT FALCONS – After losing to the Buccaneers and 49ers in consecutive weeks, players are told it is okay to make personal plans during Super Bowl week, and most likely during the playoffs.

BYE AT COLTS – Andrew Luck starts thinking about what coach he’d like to hire for next year.

BYE AT CHARGERS – Everyone spends the week packing for Los Angeles.

BYE AT 49ers – Thankfully for the 49ers, San Francisco is a sanctuary city.

—

This column is sponsored by Ben Carson’s Bible (he wrote it).

—

These Week 9 NFL Picks are bought to you by Peace On Earth, which, just like the Cleveland Browns defense, does not exist.

But since I am Peace on Earth, I have made a ruling in the Russian Airliner disaster, which was, in the words of David Cameron, “more likely than not” caused by a bomb.

“More likely than not” is the same phrase that the NFL used when it accused Tom Brady of cheating. More likely than not Tom Brady had something to do with underinflated footballs, said the NFL. And then they tried to suspend Tom Brady for four games.

Therefore, we suspend ISIS for four wars.

That should work, right?

And since we are Peace On Earth, we need to address the saddest peaceful place on Earth, a place with an actual factory of sadness, manufacturing reams sadness on a weekly basis.

That’s not peaceful. That’s mean.

But to the rescue of the city of Cleveland comes one Jonathan Q. Football, better known as Johnny Football, who is the kind of hard working, hard drinking hero a town like Cleveland needs. Wait, Cleveland’s hero doesn’t drink? All its fans do. Ah, no wonder the factory of sadness is the last factory still standing in town..

Well, as Peace on Earth, I say that factory of sadness should be torn down, and a factory of happiness should be built instead. Yes, I am Peace on Earth and, as you may have already figured out, what I want to happen is not whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT BENGALS – Many people said when Johnny Manziel was drafted that he needed to sit a while. Step one is complete. It’s time for some prime-time magic, running the play “Tequila, Whiskey, Budweiser 40-ounce, rolled-up bill, snort right on three” Works every time. Money sign! Browns 42, Bengals 41

RAIDERS AT STEELERS – Ken Stabler and Terry Bradshaw would recognize this one. Steelers 32, Raiders 31.

JAGUARS AT JETS – If the Jaguars can lose this game, they have a great chance to win their division. Jets 22, Jaguars 10

TITANS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees sure plays pretty good for a washed up guy. Seven touchdowns. Okay, sure his defense gave up six touchdowns. But still, seven! Saints 50, Titans 39

RAMS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson passes the torch to Todd Gurley, prompting many to ask Peterson what was he thinking by carrying a torch on the field. Vikings 24, Rams 20

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Rex Ryan begs Joe Philbin to try to get his job back. Dolphins 26, Bills 17

REDSKINS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots Chief Nefarious Affairs Officer puts Icy Hot in the jockstraps of the Redskins, and bubble gum in their shoes. Patriots 62, Redskins 10

PACKERS AT PANTHERS – I think I like the Panthers to do a big bit of growing here against a team that may want to doublecheck expectations. Panthers 30, Packers 23

FALCONS AT 49ers = Blame Gabbert. Falcons 40, 49ers 3

GIANTS AT BUCCANEERS – Defense players are stopped by security and not allowed in the stadium. Giants 50, Buccaneers 42

BRONCOS AT COLTS – Peyton raises one finger to Jim Irsay to let him know that he is number 1. Andrew Luck throws five interceptions. A janitor is blamed, and fired. Broncos 37, Colts 13

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The Cowboys aren’t very good. The Eagles aren’t very good. should be a good game. Cowboys 27 Eagles 26

BEARS AT CHARGERS – Because his teams stink, no one in the future will remember how great Philip Rivers is. Heck, most now don’t know. Chargers 35, Bears 33

BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis revisits to promote his new autobiography, “The Wire.”

BYE AT LIONS – Martha Ford changes her last name to Toyota.

BYE AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallett is still trying to figure out what plane he was supposed be on, and in fact, what team.

BYE AT CHIEFS – Andy Reid plays poker and asks about the wild card.

BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson spends the whole week looking at his baseball card collection.

—

This column is sponsored by Paul Brown & Bill Belichick, both fired by the Cleveland Browns.

—

These week 8 NFL picks think your question about what games I plan to pick in week 8 is remarkably unfair. It is a gotcha question, from the biased media.

Look, I want to give you my week 8 NFL picks. That is why I write this column. So don’t go asking me what my week 8 NFL picks are. Frankly, my week 8 NFL picks are none of your business.

The media actually has the nerve to think that  the appropriate response to a question is to answer the question. Wrong again! The appropriate response to any question I do not like is to say the question is unfair.

For instance I have long anticipated this next question about why do the Cleveland Browns stink. Just because you look at the scores of the game doesn’t give you a right to question their legitimacy as a great NFL team. Let me tell you some facts I just made up.

Oh never mind. You are too stupid and unfair to understand whatzgonnahappen.
.

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Tough-talking Dan Campbell has transformed the Dolphins into a tough team. So the Patriots Mad Science Department (it exists) concocts a serum that goes in his coffee and makes him say, “Guys, let’s go easy on them because Tom Brady had a tough off-season.” Patriots 42, Dolphins 30

LIONS VS CHIEFS AT LONDON – London calling. That phony NFL mania has bitten the dust. Seriously, they gave us the Beatles and we give them Lions versus Chiefs? Chiefs 26, Lions 20

VIKINGS AT BEARS – The Vikings are slowly starting to make me believe while I am pure Bears atheist. Vikings 24, Bears 23

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Tampa Bay’s secondary is among the best at making a quarterback look good. See Kurt Cousins for reference. Falcons 39, Buccaneers 21

GIANTS AT SAINTS – Just as I was giving up on the Saints, they have pulled me back in. I like the Giants long-term better, but the Saints are rolling. Saints 29, Giants 28

49ers AT RAMS – Todd Gurley is now the best running back in the NFL. The 49ers are the the league’s biggest mess. Rams 30, 49ers 20

CARDINALS AT BROWNS – Chris Johnson is having a great season. The Browns can’t stop the run. Add it up, and my math says Johnson never gets going. Yeah, I hate math enough to make me think that Travis Benjamin will have a better game than Johnson.  Browns 31, Cardinals 27

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Big Ben is back. The Bengals are undefeated. Something’s got to give.

CHARGERS AT RAVENS – The Ravens are horrible. The Chargers are terrible. But Philip Rivers is awesome. Chargers 36, Ravens 20

TITANS AT TEXANS – This is the old Oilers versus the new Oilers, except neither one is named the Oilers. Thus, this game has no octane. Texans 10, Titans 9

JETS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr and Amari make Darrell Revis look old on at least one play. Raiders 20, Jets 11.

SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – Russell Wilson and God come to a consensus that that Jerry Jones and Greg Hardy deserve this. Seahawks 29, Cowboys 3

PACKERS AT BRONCOS – I have now decided that I am rooting for a 18-0 Packers versus an 18-0 Patriots in the Super Bowl. This is one step on that path. Packers 29, Broncos 17

COLTS AT PANTHERS – So, who wants Andrew Luck instead of Cam Newton? Panthers 35, Colts 22

BYE AT BILLS – Every time that Tyrod Taylor tries on a super hero costume, it doesn’t fit.

BYE AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles talks to his Blaine Gabbert poster the way that Richard Nixon used to talk to the portrait of Abraham Lincoln.

BYE AT EAGLES – Chip Kelly visits the campus of USC.

BYE AT REDSKINS – Kirk Cousins signs a Kirk Cousins photo and then brags that he has a Kirk Cousins autograph. Next to his name, he writes, “Best week ever.”

—

This column is sponsored by the ghost of the Cleveland Browns season, already here. Boo!