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These Week 17 NFL Picks would like to take one final time to say goodbye to David Bowie, the United States of America, and the Cleveland Browns year-long losing streak.

All will be missed in their own way.

The Browns began the year by pinning their hopes on fragile-as-glass Robert Griffin III, who was last good during the first Obama administration. And now, after the most emotional win an 0-14 team could ever have, the Browns are pinning their hopes on the football season ending.

It’s been that kind of year. Heroes died, an unstable authoritarian was elected president by folks educated from Texas schoolbooks, and one win out of 15 games is what my favorite NFL team called “their Super Bowl.” It seemed like reality cracked.

The NFL, which throws the American flag and the military and God and how much they care about women in our face during every game, sure showed their moral compass this year. 

The all-knowing league suspended Tom Brady for four games for doing something that they can’t prove, suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely for smoking pot, which is legal in several states in America, and allowed Tyreek Hill, who beat up his pregnant girlfriend, to run around scoring touchdowns for the Kanas City Chiefs.

Old acquaintances, like that year-long losing streak and common decency, must be forgotten. As the season and the year mercifully come to an end, we soon realize that as bad as 2016 was, there’s another year coming.

In 2017, just imagine whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT TITANS – Texans 20, Titans 17

BILLS AT JETS – Bills 10, Jets 6

RAVENS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Ravens 17

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 25, Giants 18

PACKERS AT LIONS – Packers 29, Lions 27

JAGUARS AT COLTS – Colts 30, Jaguars 20

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Cowboys 24, Eagles 19

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 23, Bears 20

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 26, Panthers 20

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Browns 31, Steelers 30

SAINTS AT FALCONS – SAINTS 50, FALCONS 48

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – Patriots 30, Dolphins 20

CARDINALS AT RAMS – Cardinals 24, Rams 17

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Chiefs 33, Chargers 23

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Seahawks 23, 49ers 18

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 10, Raiders 7

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This column is sponsored by gravity-science deniers.

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These Week 16 NFL picks would like to suggest that you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift to any loved one having a tough day.

You could send a Cleveland Browns fan over their house to sit in the corner and make your loved one feel better about their own predicament.

This is a great gift for fans of all other NFL teams, as well as anyone who is still freaking out about the election.

The end of the world is coming? Cheer up, you could be a Browns fan.

Sending a Cleveland Browns fan over someone’s house is probably the nicest thing you can do for anyone’s self esteem.

It really is the perfect gift. All you have to do is feed the Browns fan some pizza and a lot of beer, and occasionally listen to some pathetic story about Bernie Kosar and when the Browns were good enough to not get to the Super Bowl.

It’s a weird story and no one outside of Cleveland seems to understand, but if you bear with with this one glitch in the design of the perfect present, you’ll be glad you did.

It is literally impossible to have a bad day when you have a Cleveland Browns fan sitting in the corner, mumbling to himself.

These are scary times in America. Many NFL teams are not very good. Some are very bad. But if you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift, your loved ones, no matter how tough their day or how bad their team, is sure to smile at their circumstance.

In fact, get one for yourself, and you’ll smile at whatzgonnahappen.

GIANTS AT EAGLES – Giants 24, Eagles 12

REDSKINS AT BEARS – Redskins 27, Bears 20

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Dolphins 21, Bills 20

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Saints 41, Buccaneers 38

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Falcons 30, Panthers 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Packers 24, Vikings 14

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 30, Jets 10

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Titans 23, Jaguars 13

CHARGERS AT BROWNS – Browns 37, Chargers 36

COLTS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 33, Colts 23

49ers AT RAMS – Rams 4, 49ers 3

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 20, Cardinals 18

BENGALS AT TEXANS – Texans 24, Bengals 17

RAVENS AT STEELERS – Steelers 20, Ravens 17

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 29, Broncos 19

LIONS AT COWBOYS – Lions 25, Cowboys 23

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This column is sponsored by Bah Humbug Festive Wear.

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These Week 15 NFL Picks, using information from the Russians, waited until after all the games were played to make a prediction. I only got one wrong.

I would also like to thank the the Russians for hacking the Week 14 NFL Picks last week. Based on information from the Russians, that fool picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

Meanwhile, the Russians have used Julian Assange to steal secrets from the CIA, who then found out that the Russians did all this just because they have it in for the Cleveland Browns.

So follow along… Vladimir Putin used to run the KGB. The last time Johnny Manziel was seen as a member of the Browns, he was in Las Vegas wearing a blond wig and fake mustache and telling everyone his name was “Billy.” This is KGB-like behavior.

Think about it. The last time the Cleveland Browns won, Johnny Manziel was their quarterback.

It all adds up to the Russians.

And I would care except that President-Elect Trump has picked me to be Secretary Of Forecasting.

I have been picking the Cleveland Brown to win every week since 1999. They have lost almost every week since 1999. The Browns have lost every game this season. Clearly, I am the best candidate.

Who could be better to forecast what is going to happen than someone who has been consistently wrong. I know how losers think. So now that I am part of team Trump, I’ll pick winners. You see this, right? 

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 24, Rams 3

DOLPHINS AT JETS – Dolphins 34, Jets 13

BUCCANEERS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 26, Buccaneers 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Raiders 19, Chargers 16

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – Patriots 16, Broncos 3

SAINTS AT CARDINALS – Saints 48, Cardinals 41

49ers AT FALCONS – Falcons 41, 49ers 13

PACKERS AT BEARS – Packers 30, Bears 27

BROWNS AT BILLS – Browns 33, Bills 13

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Texans 21, Jaguars 20

LIONS AT GIANTS – Giants 17, Lions 6

TITANS AT CHIEFS – Titans 19, Chiefs 17

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Steelers 24, Bengals 20

EAGLES AT RAVENS – Ravens 27, Eagles 26

COLTS AT VIKINGS – Colts 34, Vikings 6

PANTHERS AT REDSKINS – Panthers 26, Redskins 15

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This column is sponsored by A Time Machine, & The Russians.

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These week 14 NFL picks are wearing the most outlandish tin foil hat I can find outside of a red one that says, “Make America Great Again.” Yes, it’s a Cleveland Browns hat.

That means that I believe the Browns are in the NFL.

So don’t tell me that my tin foil hat isn’t the best. I know where you eat pizza.

And now I’ve read the CIA report that the Pittsburgh Steelers have been interfering in the operations of Cleveland Browns. That must be why the Cleveland Browns have not won a game in a year. Outside meddling.

But just because this hat is made of tin foil doesn’t mean that I think Robert Griffin III is a franchise quarterback. 

I am a realist.

For instance, under this in foil hat I’d like to believe the that the Electoral college is not going to elect Donald Trump as the last President of the United States of America. But I am a realist.

That’s why I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl. And I believe in Santa Claus.

But I don’t believe crazy crazy stuff like thinking that Donald Trump cares more about working people than Saturday Night Live.

I am a tin foil hat optimist. You want fake news? The Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. Don’t research it. Just share.

If you do, just imagine whatzgonnahappen.

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 21, Raiders 13

BRONCOS AT TITANS – Titans 22, Broncos 20

CHARGERS AT PANTHERS – Chargers 26, Panthers 21

TEXANS AT COLTS – Colts 30, Texans 14

BENGALS AT BROWNS – Browns 50, Bengals 48

STEELERS AT BILLS – Steelers 24, Bills 20

CARDINALS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 21, Cardinals 20

BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 41, Bears 20

VIKINGS AT JAGUARS –  Vikings 17, Jaguars 16

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 40, Buccaneers 38

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Redskins 25, Eagles 20

JETS AT 49ers – Jets 10, 49ers 9

SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS – Packers 29, Seahawks 23

FALCONS AT RAMS – Falcons 33, Rams 13

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Cowboys 30, Giants 17

RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 27, Ravens 19

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This column is sponsored by the Final Days of Civilization.

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These Week 13 NFL Picks have been curated by the KGB and by Alex Jones of Infowars for their veracity. In other words, this bullshit is completely false.

But since you won’t bother to check, this bullshit is completely believable to a smart good-looking person like yourself.

See, we know you don’t care about facts. So neither do we. We are picking the Cleveland Browns to win this week, and they don’t even play. At least they will not lose. So in reality, that’s a win.

And you can’t lose with fake news as long as you don’t ask any questions.

Here is a picture of a cat. Now please share this crap.

Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers are named so because they steal victories unfairly? It’s true. Many people are saying so.

The New Orleans Saints are not actually saints. I know, I know. Believe me folks. And yet the New England Patriots are patriots. I love Tom Brady and he loves me. When Mitt Romney was governor, Tom and I were married. Then we each met models. I’m just telling you what I heard.

The NFL draft is unfairly biased towards those who can tell the difference between star quarterback and a drunk guy floating on an inflatable swan. Everyone knows that, just as everyone knows that the scoring system in Cleveland Browns games is biased towards teams that score more points.

Everything is unfair and rigged.

If things weren’t rigged, the Cleveland Browns would have won every game this year, but millions of points were scored illegally. No, I don’t have any proof. I am saying so. Now many people are saying so. What other proof do you need?

I know that you are pretty sure I am completely full of shit, but I also know that I have created a shadow of a doubt inside of you. And I will continue do do so for the next four years.

In four years, the Browns might win the Super Bowl. Or the world might end. Anything could happen.

So don’t think about whatzgonnahappen.

COWBOYS AT VIKINGS – Cowboys 17, Vikings 16

BRONCOS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 20, Broncos 17

CHIEFS AT FALCONS – Falcons 35, Chiefs 25

TEXANS AT PACKERS – Packers 26, Texans 19

EAGLES AT BENGALS – Bengals 22, Eagles 20

LIONS AT SAINTS – Saints 32, Lions 31

49ers AT BEARS – Bears 21, 49ers 18

RAMS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 28, Rams 16

DOLPHINS AT RAVENS – Ravens 23, Dolphins 17

BILLS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 30, Bills 10

BUCCANEERS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 26, Buccaneers 20

REDSKINS AT CARDINALS – Redskins 28, Cardinals 24

GIANTS AT STEELERS – Giants 25, Steelers 23

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 17, Panthers 16

COLTS AT JETS – Colts 36, Jets 20

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This column is sponsored by an instant replay of instant replay.

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These Week 12 NFL Picks just settled a $25 million fraud case against me. I have advised betting on the Cleveland Browns to win every week since 1999. What is fraudulent about that advice?

Nothing. It’s fantastic advice. I have won a lot of money off of people who have taken that advice. I am a brilliant businessman.

Still, I settled the case because I have more important things to do. 

I am now reviewing Broadway musicals. I have reviewed one play so far. I didn’t see Hamilton. I hated it.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University.

Anyway, as your Prognosticator-Elect, I would like to wish everyone who voted for me a Happy Thanksgiving. And for those who didn’t vote for me, chill out. I didn’t mean anything I said.

Here, have some white meat.

It should be obvious by now that everything I ever said was a giant bait & switch, including this week’s game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns. The Giants are from New York, which has Broadway and the show ‘Hamilton’, which I hear is highly overrated. There should be a fraud case against Hamilton.

The people in the show were much ruder to Mike Pence than a defensive line is to a Cleveland Browns quarterback. You want show tunes? Those people will be singing in the rain on the other side of the wall in a couple of months.

The cast of Hamilton… gone! The New York Times… gone! The San Francisco 49ers and Colin Kaepernick… gone!

And oh yeah, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals… gone! Over the wall! That’s my plan to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

So yeah, Trump University totally recommends that you place all your money on the Cleveland Browns winning all their games for the rest of the year.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University. It would be an honor for you to get it, and certainly an honor for me to stick it to you.

Did I say ‘stick it to you?’

I never apologize. That’s whatzgonnahappen. 

VIKINGS AT LIONS – Lions 24, Vikings 23

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 37, Redskins 33

STEELERS AT COLTS – Steelers 29, Colts 19

CHARGERS AT TEXANS – Chargers 24, Texans 21

TITANS AT BEARS – Bears 20, Titans 17

JAGUARS AT BILLS – Bills 25, Jaguars 22

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Bengals 23, Ravens 20

CARDINALS AT FALCONS – Falcons 33, Cardinals 24

49ers AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 30, 49ers 18

RAMS AT SAINTS – Saints 28, Rams 14

GIANTS AT BROWNS – Browns 1 (one), Giants 0

SEAHAWKS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 27, Seahawks 25

PANTHERS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 30, Panthers 17

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 20, Chiefs 17

PATRIOTS AT JETS – Patriots 31, Jets 20

PACKERS AT EAGLES – Eagles 26, Packers 24

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This column is sponsored by Your Drunk Uncle.

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These Week 11 NFL picks would like to say these are not my NFL picks. Somebody else voted for them.

The things said in these NFL Picks are deeply offensive to me. The Cleveland Browns are going to win? Really? Insult my intelligence some more, why don’t you?

The worst part of the election is that these are now going to be the official NFL Picks because of the Electoral College. I’ll tell you what. I’d like to see the Electoral College play Ohio State, and see what happens. That’s how the election should have been decided.

So yeah, I am protesting in the exact same way that those Tea Party people protested eight years ago when these NFL Picks said that the Cleveland Browns were going to win.

Wait, what?

Could it be that we have more in common than either of us think?

Nah, that couldn’t be. That would disrupt my entire belief system as well as the income streams of the cable news networks that feed me and those on the other side our belief systems. The Browns can only stink because the other side is at fault. That’s the rules.

But it does seem a coincidence that the Browns stunk 16 years ago and changed plans and I protested, and then they stunk eight years ago and changed plans and you protested, and they stink now and they changed plans again and I am protesting.

So okay, I’ll stop protesting. I am willing to give the crazy man a chance to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

Wait a minute, he just appointed who?

I’m going back into the streets because, frankly, I am terrified of whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Saints 32, Panthers 20

TITANS AT COLTS – Titans 27, Colts 26

JAGUARS AT LIONS – Lions 34, Jaguars 13

BUCCANEERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 20, Buccaneers 17

BEARS AT GIANTS – Giants 27, Bears 16

CARDINALS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 20, Cardinals 19

BILLS AT BENGALS – Bills 25, Bengals 23

RAVENS AT COWBOYS – Ravens 24, Cowboys 14

STEELERS AT BROWNS – Browns 1999, Steelers 0

DOLPHINS AT RAMS – Rams 33, Dolphins 22

PATRIOTS AT 49ers – Patriots 52, 49ers 32

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 30, Eagles 15

PACKERS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 28, Packers 26

TEXANS VS. RAIDERS IN MEXICO CITY – Raiders 26, Texans 20

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This column is sponsored by clean coal, and safe war.

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These Week 10 NFL Picks voted for Donald J. Trump because the Cleveland Browns have not won a game all year.

You should have known how desperate we are here in Ohio when we took a baseball guy and put him in charge of our football team. We are willing to try crazy, and at this point we don’t care what anyone thinks.

This was a vote with our middle finger. No, we didn’t think it though. Except for the middle finger part. We’ve been pondering that for decades.

The elitists on the east coast and the west coast with their real NFL teams that win actual NFL games look down on us as flyover territory as they look down on the Browns as a walkover team.

This is a depressed area, and no one has paid attention for a couple of generations. We especially don’t care what anyone using the condescending ‘rest belt’ metaphor has to say about this place that once had a great football team to root for, and is now reduced to cheering for the disaster that is the modern Cleveland Browns.

So to get revenge, we paid extra close attention to this election and then decided to ignore many, many facts because, well, our middle finger is about the only thing we have left to say.

The Browns have worked in the system. They tried a defensive coordinator as head coach. They tried an offensive coordinator. They tried a college coach. They even tried a general manager who urged fans to root for Buffalo.

Nothing worked. Same with our economy here. Democrats. Republicans. Once every four years, what you call the rust belt is important for a minute because maybe there’s a Super Bowl team from Green Bay or an election,  and then we are fodder for comics. Well guess who’s laughing now.

Okay, we’re not laughing either. We just realized what actually happened.

Do we believe Donald J. Trump can fix everything? No. But we’ve been devastated by trade agreements here. Have you heard of Johnny Manziel?

Sure, many of the things Donald Trump says are deplorable. And, in fact, a lot of other people who voted for him really are quite deplorable. But not us. All of our friends, who look very much like us, tell us so.

All this talk completely misses the point. Many of our jobs have left. Once, even our NFL team left.

Ignoring us for decades has led us to do something so crazy that it made sense until now, when it’s too late and we actually think about whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Browns 66, Ravens 6

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Texans 20, Jaguars 10

CHIEFS AT PANTHERS – Chiefs 24, Panthers 23

BRONCOS AT SAINTS – Saints 27, Broncos 23

RAMS AT JETS – Jets 11, Rams 10

FALCONS AT EAGLES – Falcons 35, Eagles 25

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 25, Vikings 17

PACKERS AT TITANS – Titans 26, Packers 24

DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 31, Dolphins 20

49ers AT CARDINALS – Cardinals 31, 49ers 13

COWBOYS AT STEELERS – Steelers 27, Cowboys 24

SEAHAWKS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 29, Seahawks 22

BENGALS AT GIANTS – Bengals 24, Giants 23

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This column is sponsored by Glass Ceiling Insurance.

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These Week 9 NFL Picks would like to congratulate the one-term president that America is about to elect and then most likely impeach. You may as well be the coach of the Cleveland Browns.

The next president has as much chance of legally getting through four years in office as a Cleveland Browns coach has of keeping the job for four years.

One is certain to be impeached in the first 100 days in office. The other is likely to tear up the Constitution and throw out the whole four-years-in-office thing altogether.

For Browns fans, this election is akin to a choice between current owner Jimmy Haslam, who is a borderline criminal, and former owner Art Modell, who made a deal with the Russia of the NFL, Baltimore, and then encouraged Baltimore to annex the Browns. Which it did. (See: Baltimore Ravens).

This one is easy. I have to go with the borderline criminal over the traitor.

But having just voted for the lesser of two evils, I am worried that the greater of two evils is going to win, the same as has happened in every Cleveland Browns game this year. The Cleveland Browns are 0-8.

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Indians just lost an epic World Series to a team that hasn’t won since Teddy Roosevelt was president. And the Cleveland Cavaliers are World champions. David Bowie is dead. These are signs of the Apocalypse.

So say hello to President Donald J. Trump. Unless Hillary Clinton wins. In either case, I fear America is not going to enjoy whatzgonnahappen.

FALCONS AT AT BUCCANEERS – Falcons 48, Buccaneers 23

JAGUARS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 28, Jaguars 16

LIONS AT VIKINGS – Lions 25, Vikings 20

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Giants 23, Eagles 20

COWBOYS AT BROWNS – Browns 30, Cowboys 20

JETS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 5, Jets 4

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Steelers 22, Ravens 21

SAINTS AT 49ers – Saints 50, 49ers 30

PANTHERS AT RAMS – Panthers 24, Rams 21

COLTS AT PACKERS – Packers 37, Colts 34

TITANS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 28, Titans 21

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 24, Broncos 20

BILLS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 26, Bills 16

This column is sponsored the gravestone, “America, 1776-2016. That was fun.”

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Boo! This Halloween, we’ve gone nuclear. These Week 8 NFL picks are dressed as an October surprise. No, not a Cleveland Browns win. This isn’t fiction.

I am sending you this top secret confidential email that I expect neither the FBI nor the Russians to read because I am concerned that Wikileaks may have a transcript of my very lucrative speech to the Cleveland Browns when I recommended taking a quarterback with the number 22 pick in the first round of every NFL draft.

At the time of my speech, the Clinton Foundation was doing charitable work for the saddest fan base on Earth. And we do good work. Look what we’ve done for Cubs and Indians fans. But, not all of it is successful although it all is pretty damn lucrative.

Anyway, I’d obviously prefer that some transcripts of my speeches, like when I spoke about why Gus Bradley is a great coach, don’t get out there. I’m all about keeping secrets. I have a public face, a private face, and a game face. That’s how I roll.

So don’t worry, this email will never make the news. I’m very careful. Just ask my IT guy, Vladimir. He’s the bare-chested guy on the horse.

This Halloween, as the orange-helmeted among you do the easy thing and dress as my orange-haired opponent, I’d like to remind you that election day really is trick or treat.

Only there’s no treat. It’s a giant trick. You might even say it’s like turning a trick.

The other costume I considered before settling on an October surprise was dressing as America on the day after the 2016 presidential election. But the muskets were sold out.

Of course, this is all between you and me, and not the Russians or the FBI.

So please, whatever you do, keep this email as secret as the Browns formula for winning. No one has ever seen that.

And while no one apparently ever will see the Browns plan for winning, it has come to my attention that some of my emails in the past may have been hacked and then sent, wrapped in a red Russian bow, to Donald Trump. That, I believe, is what has happened with the Browns winning formula. It has been stolen by the Russians.

That’s why I fear this election may be rigged, unless it isn’t, which I also fear. One of those is whatzgonnahappen.

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Titans 36, Jaguars 22

BENGALS VS. REDSKINS AT LONDON – Bengals 27, Redskins 24

PACKERS AT FALCONS – Falcons 35, Packers 19

LIONS AT TEXANS – Lions 20, Texans 17

SEAHAWKS AT SAINTS – Saints 33, Seahawks 23

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Patriots 40, Bills 10

JETS AT BROWNS – Browns 30, Jets 29

RAIDERS AT BUCCANEERS – Raiders 22, Buccaneers 11

CHIEFS AT COLTS – Colts 25, Chiefs 17

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Chargers 32, Broncos 21

CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 24, Cardinals 20

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 31, Eagles 10

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Vikings 40, Bears 13

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This column is sponsored by the United States Of America, 1776-2016.