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These Week 17 NFL picks have made a New Year’s resolution to begin sniffing glue again.

Trying to process everything that went wrong in 2017 has my brain moving as slow as a three-year old $700 iPhone – it is essentially useless.

For instance, my favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, play every game as if there is a law against winning them winning. And as a fan, I also assume that law exists.

But in fairness, some things actually went better than expected. The President of the United States did not start World War III, and he did not start a new civil war. Both were totally unexpected.

But mostly, this year stunk as bad as every one of my predictions that the Cleveland Browns would win, which they never did.

The never-ending wars did not end, every human I know is living through a 7-inch screen, and the intentions of our President are as pure as the contents of Steve Bannon’s liver. And then there is the Cleveland Browns decision to keep coach Hue Jackson, who has pulled off a record of 1-30 in his Browns coaching career so far. The factory of sadness is now a nuclear power plant.

America has been made great again by doing a great redistribution of wealth from the poor back to the rich, where the money obviously belongs. The President continues to threaten North Korea like he is a bully in a schoolyard, while the Browns have blown up their front office after vowing they would not blow it up.

The truth is flexible, but losing is not. And so here I again predicting that the Cleveland Browns will win, this week against the junior varsity for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a blind squirrel. I expect to find an acorn this week.

But I have a full container of glue ready, next to a keg of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Lucky Strikes, a Bible, a Pentagram and my cell phone where I am staring in fear into a 7-inch screen, fearing the next Tweet and wondering now Whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Browns 16, Steelers 0

PACKERS AT LIONS – Lions 24, Packers 16

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Giants 27, Redskins 24

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Cowboys 20, Eagles 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 42, Jets 22

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 30, Bears 20

TEXANS AT COLTS – Colts 23, Texans 13

49ers AT RAMS – 49ers 23, Rams 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 32, Raiders 18

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 20, Cardinals 10

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Chiefs 31, Broncos 10

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Falcons 24, Panthers 20

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ravens 29, Bengals 20

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Bills 22, Dolphins 20

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Saints 30, Buccaneers 24

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Titans 14, Jaguars 12

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This column is sponsored by An Old Acquaintance You’d Like To Forget

(If anyone actually reads this column, apologies for missing last week. December is a tough time of year.)

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These week 15 NFL Picks love the new system for the NFL draft, in which the Super Bowl champion is rewarded with the first pick in the NFL draft.

It will create incentive for loser teams like the Cleveland Browns to win. It will trickle down, like just wealthy pee on their poor heads. It is a Donald Trump fantasy, and it is real.

And while every American, whether they want to be or not, is part of the President’s fantasy life come true, there is nothing quite like being a loser in his world.

On the other hand, he can be so outrageous and entertaining on Twitter that it’s worth it and, well, as he said, the Browns deserve this. Browns fans deserve this. I deserve this. My team hasn’t won Lyndon Johnson was in the White House.

Everything continues according a decades-long plan that feels like it was dreamt up by a James Bond villain with an eyepatch and one arm who lives on an island with the monkey he has trained to pick quarterbacks for the Cleveland Browns. It is the same monkey that wrote the tax reform and the last few GOP health care bills.

As a loser, I know this is both logical and fair. So just after I say, thank you, I’ll meekly ask, now whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT COLTS – Broncos19, Colts 17

BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 31, Bears 23

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 26, Chargers 24

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Bills 31, Dolphins 10

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Eagles 22, Giants 6

CARDINALS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 24, Cardinals 20

BENGALS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 23, Bengals 20

JETS AT SAINTS – Saints 42, Jets 0

PACKERS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 27, Packers 20

RAVENS AT BROWNS – Browns 1,995, Ravens 1,984

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 30, Texans 10

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Rams 27, Seahawks 26

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Steelers 25, Patriots 20

TITANS AT 49ers – 49ers 23, Titans 20

COWBOYS AT RAIDERS – Cowboys 24, Raiders 21

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Falcons 29. Buccaneers 17

This column is sponsored by Discount Office Party Mistletoe.

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These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn’t it?

Well, I’ve got news for you and your joy.

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn’t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.

It’s beyond a losing streak. It’s a loser streak. There’s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That’s how it works if you are him, and only him.

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?

It’s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.

I’ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen.

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 38, Redskins 14

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – Vikings 30, Falcons 24

CHIEFS AT JETS – Jets 23, Chiefs 17

TEXANS AT TITANS – Titans 25, Texans 10

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 17

BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS – Broncos 19, Dolphins 17

LIONS AT RAVENS – Lions 23, Ravens 20

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Patriots 32, Bills 20

49ers at BEARS – 49ers 27, Bears 13

BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – Packers 23, Buccaneers 21

BROWNS AT CHARGERS – Browns 420, Chargers 12

GIANTS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 47, Giants 6

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Rams 24, Cardinals 20

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Saints 26, Panthers 22

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – Eagles 29, Seahawks 28

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 20, Steelers 17

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This column is sponsored by the royal divorce.

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Uncle Bob, please pass these week 12 NFL Picks the gravy. And some hope. Good God, please pass that too, Uncle Bob.

No, Uncle Bob, I don’t want to hear about how “those people” are ruining America, unless you are talking about Jimmy Haslam, Sashi Brown and Hue Jackson. Then, Uncle Bob, you are right. And thank you for the gravy.

Let me ask you something, Uncle Bob. Why am I always so sad? No, I don’t think Aunt Martha ruined the turkey, Uncle Bob. I mean always. Every week, I try not to be sad, and every week on Sunday, I end up so darn sad. Why is that, Uncle Bob?

Do you think I have fallen in love with the wrong football team, Uncle Bob? What if the Cleveland Browns and I weren’t meant to be together?

I hate to bring up this emotional stuff at a family dinner while you are carving the turkey, Uncle Bob, but I honestly think my football team doesn’t love me, and it hasn’t loved me for 20 years. (Sobs) Why am I so sad, Uncle Bob?

No, Uncle Bob, I am not sad because Aunt Martha nags you about all that inappropriate stuff you do and say. I am sad because Deshone Kizer likes to throw to the ball to the wrong team in the wrong uniform. That’s inappropriate.

You see, Uncle Bob, I am not thankful for anything anymore. The coach of my football team thinks the general manager of my football team is an incompetent nerd. The general manager of my football team was the one who hired the incompetent coach who thinks the general manager is an incompetent nerd. The owner is most likely a criminal, while history tells us that any random homeless guy may be running the team next year.

This is the team that I worship, Uncle Bob. I always give it my full faith. Do you see how I am so sad?

And, Uncle Bob, your President hates my country. That’s also why I am so sad. I know, I know, I spent all that time talking about my religion, and now I am talking about politics. Everything is just so sad.

But go ahead, Uncle Bob, carve your damn turkey and give your damn thanks.

I say thanks for nothing. In fact, I refuse to eat until the Cleveland Browns win another game.  Um, on second thought, Uncle Bob, I’ll have a drumstick.

If I wait to eat until the Browns next win, starvation is whatzgonnahappen

VIKINGS AT LIONS – Lions 23, Vikings 20

CHARGERS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 27, Chargers 26

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 31, Giants 3

BROWNS AT BENGALS – Browns 50, Bengals 25

PANTHERS AT JETS – Panthers 30, Jets 20

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 44, Dolphins 20

BILLS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 32, Bills 21

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Falcons 33, Buccaneers 13

TITANS AT COLTS – Titans 24, Colts 17

BEARS AT EAGLES – Eagles 29, Bears 12

SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – 49ers 23, Seahawks 20

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 31, Broncos 7

JAGUARS AT CARDINALS – Jaguars 20, Cardinals 14

SAINTS AT RAMS – Rams 33, Saints 31

PACKERS AT STEELERS – Steelers 27, Packers 10

TEXANS AT RAVENS – Ravens 21, Texans 13

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This column is sponsored by Sour Home Alabama

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These Week 11 NFL Picks have learned that the new tax bill means the New England Patriots can write off Tom Brady but the Cleveland Browns must pay full taxes for DeShone Kizer.

This tax bill also means I can now write off my private jet but I cannot write off the school supplies I buy for the third grade class that I teach, well indoctrinate really. History stops in 1964 in my class. And in math, up is down which means my students believe the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated.

What? This is America. I can choose my facts and then freely indoctrinate others based on my alternative facts. I saw it on FOX News, and in the White House, and on Breitbart, and well, Facebook.

And while I am almost never concerned about the little guy, who wouldn’t be little if he just tried harder to be big, I do have a soft spot for the Cleveland Browns. It’s sort of how President Trump feels about UCLA basketball players getting caught shoplifting in China. I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior, and would mock this behavior from anyone else.

But because I like sports, I am hoping the Chinese government, or whoever has been holding the Cleveland Browns in NFL jail since 1996, grants them the freedom to not just exist, but to win.

What has always been unclear to both myself and my hero, Alex Jones of Infowars, is why the Deep State, the Chinese government, and President Trump are spending all this energy conspiring to keep the Cleveland Browns down?

I asked Julian Assange of Wikileaks, but he said he was currently busy worshipping at his altar of Donald Trump, and he added that he doesn’t know anything about conspiracies.

So the Cleveland Browns are nine losses into their first nine games, and the NFL has finally decided to offer a tax rebate that has been due for a few years now, Josh Gordon. Oh wait, he’s still not here yet. He has been promised before.

Never trust the government, or Roger Goodell. They play favorites. And when that happens, everyone then knows whatzgonnahappen.

TITANS AT STEELERS – Steelers 40, Titans 17

LIONS AT BEARS – Lions 23, Bears 20

CHIEFS AT GIANTS – Chiefs 30, Giants 10

BUCCANEERS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 20, Buccaneers 14

RAMS AT VIKING – Rams 24, Vikings 20

REDSKINS AT SAINTS – Saints 27, Redskins 17

JAGUARS AT BROWNS Browns 40, Jaguars 0

RAVENS AT PACKERS – Packers 17, Ravens 10

CARDINALS AT TEXANS – Cardinals 24, Texans 9

BILLS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 28, Bills 13

BENGALS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 24, Bengals 20

PATRIOTS AT RAIDERS AT MEXICO CITY – Patriots 34, Raiders 20

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – Eagles 31, Cowboys 20

FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS – Falcons 31, Seahawks 29

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This column is sponsored by Al Franken’s hands and Roy Moore’s Bible.

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The recent indictment of the Cleveland Browns season is fake news to these Week 9 NFL picks. The Browns don’t lose every week. They won’t lose this week.

Sure, some members of the staff may have colluded with the Philadelphia Eagles to deliver the best quarterback in the league to that team. And, okay, they may possibly have also colluded with the Houston Texans to deliver the most exciting rookie quarterback ever to that team.

But there has been no collusion, believe me.

Other teams are bad. It’s not just the Cleveland Browns. The San Francisco 49ers are bad. Wait, what? The 49ers just traded for who? The Browns wanted him. Or maybe they didn’t want him. Either way, NO COLLUSION!

There has been no collusion. The coaching staff can’t even work with the front office. Never mind what’s going on on Twitter.

And while there has been absolutely no collusion whatsoever, believe me, it’s apparent to anyone living in a white house in Cleveland, Ohio or even anywhere in the country that someone very high up is about to take a big fall.

Because if there was any collusion it’s the NFL colluding against Josh Gordon, who smoked pot and was suspended a total of 56 games while the standard suspension for domestic violence is six games. That’s not fake news. It’s just sad!

Under circumstances such as these, it’s so simple that anyone who has ever heard of a white house, knows that what should happen is probably not whatzgonnahappen.

BILLS AT JETS – Jets 23, Bills 20

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Falcons 29, Panthers 20

RAVENS AT TITANS – Titans 17, Ravens 14

COLTS AT TEXANS – Texans 33, Colts 20

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Saints 31, Buccaneers 21

BRONCOS AT EAGLES – Eagles 23, Broncos 20

BENGALS AT JAGUARS – Bengals 16, Jaguars 12

RAMS AT GIANTS – Giants 24, Rams 20

CARDINALS AT 49ers – Cardinals 19, 49ers 10

REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 35, Redskins 24

CHIEFS AT COWBOYS – Chiefs 26, Cowboys 25

RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 21, Raiders 17

LIONS AT PACKERS – Lions 27, Packers 13

BYE AT BROWNS – BROWNS 3, BYE 2

This column is sponsored by Papa’s John’s New All-Baloney Sanctimonious Pizza

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After more than five decades, secret files have been released showing I acted alone making these Week 8 NFL picks. Or did I?

Ever since the early 1960s, conspiracy theories have floated as to what exactly happened when the Cleveland Browns last won a championship. After that moment, our innocence died. Things would never be the same again. And for decades the government kept these juicy details locked away.

But now we know that the then new Browns owner, Art Modell was already secretly meeting with city officials in Baltimore with his now-clear plan to move the Browns to Baltimore three decades later.

We also know that starting in the 1999 and probably continuing to this day, the parents of future Browns quarterbacks have conspired to produce a mediocre quarterbacks, 28 and counting. This is like the Da Vinci Code, only it is called the Spergon Wynn Code.

As soon as they won their last championship in 1964, they began a spiral that started in the next championship game with a 65-12 thrashing from the Green Bay Packers.

Soon they’d be losing to the Dallas Cowboys in championship games. Dallas, of all cities. Something else historic happened in Dallas in the early 1960s too. I can’t remember what.

But the Browns were done winning championships by the early 1960s. The Browns started losing championship games to Dallas, and Green Bay, and the Baltimore Colts, who later moved to Indianapolis, which was part of the conspiracy.

Don’t say “Baltimore” around me. I’ve got a few conspiracy theories. Hello, Alex Jones…

And President Trump is part of it. Why do you think he’s keeping some of it secret. He signed Brian Sipe from the Browns for his goofy USFL when Brian Sipe was playing like an NFL MVP.

And everyone now knows, because of the released files, that Trump was planning that since the early 1960s when he was bored one November afternoon while cleaning his NRA-approved gun on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

And so, given history, you never know whatzgonnahappen.

DOLPHINS AT RAVENS – Dolphins 40, Ravens 0

VIKINGS AT BROWNS IN LONDON – Browns 1, Vikings 0

49ers AT EAGLES  -Eagles 32, 49ers 20

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 24, Panthers 22

BEARS AT SAINTS – Saints 34, Bears 13

FALCONS AT JETS – Jets 26, Falcons 21

CHARGERS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 42, Chargers 32

RAIDERS AT BILLS – Bills 31, Raiders 24

COLTS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Colts 23

TEXANS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 33, Texans 17

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 27, Cowboys 24

STEELERS AT LIONS – Lions 24, Steelers 21

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 31, Broncos 20

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This column is sponsored by Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

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These week 7 NFL Picks would like to express some awesome condolences to Cleveland Browns fans for all the losing. If you cheer for the Browns you know what signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.

Sure, every week I tell you they are going to win and every week they lose. I know it was actually me who told you they were going to win, but you signed up for it. Plus if you accuse me of predicting the Browns would win, I’ll deny it.

When you choose to root for that particular NFL team, you have chosen a team that may lose from now until eternity. You don’t see me cheering for the Cleveland Browns, do you?

I root for the New Jersey Generals, because I love generals.

So is this the greatest expression of sympathy ever, or what? I rate it a 10 out of 10. You won’t see Peter King or Mike Florio giving you Browns sympathy like this.

No NFL writer in the history of NFL writing has expressed such tremendous condolences. Not even Mark Twain or Shakespeare, when they covered the NFL, were as sympathetic to the plight of Cleveland Browns fans as me. And the Browns sucked during their eras too.

I know my facts. Hemingway covered the glory years. Other than that, there has been centuries of losing. Pathetic losing. My competition covering the Browns is not Peter King, it is Stephen King.

You know. You cheer for this horror show, right? It’s sad! You’re sad!

Seriously, am I the best or what?

Oh, you ARE sad? Yeah, well. That stinks. I mean it stinks for you.

Your team drafted Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel, all in the first round all within five years. And they all sucked, and you still root for the team. You know what you signed up for.

So have a great day. I’m now going to forget about your troubles and go golfing. Again and again, that’s whatzonnahappen.

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Chiefs 34, Raiders 27

CARDINALS AT RAMS AT LONDON – Rams 30, Cardinals 20

BUCCANEERS AT BILLS – Bills 25, Buccaneers 22

RAVENS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 29, Ravens 13

JAGUARS AT COLTS – Colts 14, Jaguars 10

JETS AT DOLPHINS – Dolphins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BEARS – Panthers 21, Bears 10

TITANS AT BROWNS – Browns 31, Titans 30

SAINTS AT PACKERS – Saints 33, Packers 9

COWBOYS AT 49ers – 49ers 24, Cowboys 23

SEAHAWKS AT GIANTS – Seahawks 25, Giants 16

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 21, Broncos 20

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Steelers 24, Bengals 17

FALCONS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 34, Falcons 28

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Eagles 31, Redskins 28

This column is sponsored by the side effects of breathing, and eating food. 

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These Week 6 NFL Picks suffer from a pre-existing condition called, Rooting For The Cleveland Browns.

There is no cure. Pharmaceutical companies have invested millions of dollars looking, but to no avail.

So when the President of the United States, working in conjunction with the leadership of the Cleveland Browns, took away the subsidies that pay for the treatment that doesn’t cure me, I was thrilled.

This is all true. None of it is fake news. Everyone knows that the President is obsessed with the NFL, and that he loves Ohio but hates the Browns. He has hated the Browns since he owned the New Jersey Generals and signed Brian Sipe.

And he has been working hard in recent years to make sure the Browns didn’t draft Carson Wentz, and didn’t draft Deshaun Watson, because he hates the Browns.

After convincing Jimmy Haslam that the best guy to run a football team is a baseball guy, the president gutted my health insurance with the NFL-specific purpose of making me suffer because he hates the Browns.

But he didn’t do his research. He can’t make the suffering worse. Can he? Please tell me that’s not whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT PANTHERS – Eagles 28, Panthers 23

DOLPHINS AT FALCONS – Falcons 30, Dolphins 14

49ers at REDSKINS – Redskins 27, 49ers 20

LIONS AT SAINTS – Lions 29, Saints 27

PATRIOTS AT JETS – Patriots 33, Jets 23

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Packers 27, Vikings 23

BEARS AT RAVENS – Ravens 26, Bears 13

BROWNS AT TEXANS – Browns 31, Texans 10

RAMS AT JAGUARS – Rams 20, Jaguars 19

BUCCANEERS AT CARDINALS – Buccaneers 25, Cardinals 20

STEELERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 23, Steelers 21

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – Chargers 27, Raiders 24

GIANTS AT BRONCOS – Broncos 28, Giants 17

COLTS AT TITANS – Titans 31, Colts 20

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This column is sponsored by The Harvey Weinstein Dating Agency

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These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen.

PATRIOTS AT BUCCANEERS – Patriots 19, Buccaneers 14

BILLS AT BENGALS – Bills 27, Bengals 13

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – Eagles 30, Cardinals 23

JAGUARS AT STEELERS – Steelers 32, Jaguars 14

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Titans 23, Dolphins 20

CHARGERS AT GIANTS – Chargers 24, Giants 21

49ers AT COLTS – Colts 22, 49ers 19

JETS AT BROWNS – Browns 34, Jets 3

PANTHERS AT LIONS – Lions 25, Panthers 17

RAVENS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 35, Ravens 25

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Rams 31, Seahawks 20

PACKERS AT COWBOYS – Packers 41, Cowboys 40

CHIEFS AT TEXANS – Chiefs 24, Texans 23

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Vikings 27, Bears 17

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This column is sponsored by my right to own a tank.