—

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.”

AFC

EAST

PATRIOTS – 16-0

DOLPHINS – 7-9

BILLS –  5-11

JETS – 1-15

NORTH

BROWNS –  16-0

STEELERS  – 12-4

RAVENS – 8-8

BENGALS – 4-12

SOUTH

TEXANS – 10-6

TITANS –  9-7

JAGUARS – 6-10

COLTS – 5-11

WEST

CHIEFS –  12-5

BRONCOS – 9 – 7

RAIDERS –  8-8

CHARGERS – 7-9

NFC

EAST

COWBOYS – 10-6

REDSKINS – 9-7

EAGLES – 8-8

GIANTS – 4-12

NORTH

PACKERS – 13-3

LIONS –  9-7

VIKINGS – 7-9

BEARS – 4-12

SOUTH

FALCONS – 11-5

SAINTS – 10-6

BUCANEERS – 7-9

PANTHERS – 6-10

WEST

SEAHAWKS – 12-4

CARDINALS – 9-7

RAMS – 4-12

49ers – 1-15

—

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

SAINTS OVER SEHAWKS

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER SAINTS

–

This column is sponsored by news you just can’t fake. 

—

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?

I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.

Hillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.

Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 19, Texans 18

BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Broncos 20

RAIDERS AT TITANS – Raiders 30, Titans 20

CARDINALS AT BILLS – Cardinals 41. Bills 9

RAVENS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 26, Ravens 21

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Browns 32, Dolphins 12

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Giants 14, Redskins 13

LIONS AT PACKERS – Packers 34, Lions 29

VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 36, Vikings 10

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 40, 49ers 13

RAMS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 24, Rams 20

STEELERS AT EAGLES – Eagles 30, Steelers 29

CHARGERS AT COLTS – Colts 33, Chargers 30

BEARS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 6, Bears 5

FALCONS AT SAINTS – Saints 52, Falcons 31

—

This column is sponsored by the people rigging the presidential debate.

—

These week 11 Picks are one chromosome short of the surface of a comet, where our German telescope can see the future of the NFL. You believe this because you are American and you don’t know anything about science. Plus you love to gamble.

Speaking of gambling, we’ve invited a New England Patriots fan and and MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, who helped engineer Obamacare for stupid people, to obscure the facts of these predictions with spin that will impress stupid people, and by “stupid people,” we mean you if you don’t root for the Cleveland Browns.

The audience for these NFL picks, we’ve noticed, has a high tolerance for leaving the page and never coming back – unless they are brilliant Cleveland Browns fans. It’s not that we’re being condescending, it’s just that we’re pretty sure you have no idea what we’re talking about and even though we don’t either, it doesn’t matter.

Our satellite is sitting on this comet and whether you like it or not – we’re too dumb to notice – we really can see into the future of whatzgonnahappen.

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – After all the progress Ryan Tannehill has made, this is the week you are reminded that he’s no Kyle Orton. Bills 26, Dolphins 20

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The entire stadium is filled with psychiatrists trying to figure each of these teams out. They chant “How did that make you feel?” By the fourth quarter, they chant, “Tell me about your mother.” Falcons 31, Panthers 17

VIKINGS AT BEARS – It turns out that when Jay Cutler was a boy, his hero was Jeff George. Vikings 27 Bears 10

TEXANS AT BROWNS – It was rumored for a few years that Ryan Mallet would be throwing touchdowns to Cleveland Browns players. This week, it finally happens – twice to Joe Haden. Browns 33, Texans 16.

SEAHAWKS AT CHIEFS – This game has nothing to do with football and everything to do with the rivalry of fans in Kansas City wanting to yell louder than fans in Seattle. Chiefs 21, Seahawks 20

BENGALS AT SAINTS – Andy Dalton dyes his hair gold in the hope that the Saints want him as their backup quarterback next year. Saints 27, Bengals 20

49ers AT GIANTS – During Tom Coughlin’s pregame speech, Giants players learn the rules of shuffleboard. 49ers 42, Giants 22

BRONCOS AT RAMS – Peyton Manning films commercials in the huddle in the first quarter. In the second quarter, he orders pizza from Dominos. In the third quarter in the huddle, Manning reads “War and Peace”. In the fourth quarter, in the huddle, he takes a bubble bath. Broncos 51, Rams 21

BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – On the basis of his contract and his record, Lovie Smith is indicted for larceny. Redskins 27, Buccaneers 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers have been horrible lately. The Raiders have been horrible for a whole chapter of a tenth grade history book. Chargers 40, Raiders 20

EAGLES AT PACKERS – While the Packers defense isn’t good enough to make Mark Sanchez look like, you know, Buttfumble McGee, the Packers offense is good enough to eventually make this look like a blowout. Packers 36, Eagles 21

LIONS AT CARDINALS – Either Bruce Arians is a magician or Drew Stanton is who we thought he was. I love magic. Cardinals 24, Lions 17

PATRIOTS AT COLTS – Andrew Luck is the future of the NFL. He’s going to hear that for a few more years during the playoffs. But on this night, the Patriots don’t travel as well as they will, and lose in a wild shootout. Colts 45, Patriots 43

STEELERS AT TITANS – Ben Roethlisberger throws six touchdown passes – five to his team and one to the Titans. Steelers 35, Titans 7

BYE AT RAVENS – Ravens feed on maggots. I looked it up.

BYE AT COWBOYS – Doctors performing a face lift on Jerry Jones and back surgery on Tony Romo are in one of those body switch movies.

BYE AT JAGUARS – The entire team is told to learn to speak with a British accent. “No particular bloody reason,” says the Jaguars press release.

BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan eats donuts 24/7 in order to gain all of his weight back.

—

This column is sponsored by Almost.

—

These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Ohio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT BENGALS – The Bengals jump out to a quick 13-0 lead in the first quarter while Brian Hoyer listens to “Johnny B. Goode”. Sufficiently pumped, Hoyer’s mind enters the game midway through the second quarter.. Browns 31, Bengals 13

TITANS AT RAVENS – Zach Mettenberger is surprised to find out that “Dude!” is not one of the Titans plays. Ravens 30, Titans 17

CHIEFS AT BILLS – Most weeks, I say I don’t believe in the Bills and then they win. This week I don’t believe in the Bills, so if I were you I would bet on them. Chiefs 23, Bills 20

DOLPHINS AT LIONS – I trust Matthew Stafford more than I trust Ryan Tannehill, but I trust that guy who always lies to me more than I trust either one Lions 29, Dolphins 10

49ers AT SAINTS – Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function? Saints 28, 49ers 21

STEELERS AT JETS – I’d bet that someone in Pittsburgh in the last two weeks has said that Ben Roethlisberger is better than Tom Brady and Peyton Manning. I remember when I had my first beer. Jets 24, Steelers 20

COWBOYS AT JAGUARS AT LONDON – Jerry Jones demands to be knighted. If Tony Romo plays, he’s a knight. If Brandon Weeden plays, good night. I hear from my sources on the Internet that it is Romo. Cowboys 27, Jaguars 13

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – This is a classic division battle of a 2-6 team versus a 1-7 team. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 20

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Peyton Manning is in a bad mood against a bad team. This makes for a bad game. Broncos 55, Raiders 25

RAMS AT CARDINALS – So this week’s consensus is that the Cardinals are the best team in the NFL, eh? Well, even I can join that kind of consensus for one week. Cardinals 27, Rams 17

GIANTS AT SEAHAWKS – The person who told me this will be a close game showed me the deed he has on the Brooklyn Bridge. Seahawks 32, Giants 13

BEARS AT PACKERS  – The Bears are pretty horrible, except when they aren’t. The Packers defense helps the Bears not be horrible, but not enough to help them win. Packers 35, Bears 27

PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Mark Sanchez shows that Chip Kelly can plug in quarterbacks the way that the Denver Broncos used to be able to plug in running backs. Yes, Buttfumble McGee is going to look like a star this week. Eagles 33, Panthers 23

BYE AT COLTS – Andrew Luck tunes up his Amish buggy.

BYE AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridgewater joins Skinny Anonymous.

BYE AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers sells his Philip Rivers jersey and buys a Johnny Manziel jersey because he wants to be popular.

BYE AT REDSKINS – Democrats in Congress send a lame duck good luck to Robert Griffin III .

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Billl Belichick and Tom Brady audition for True Detective,

BYE AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallett prepares what he is going to say after his first three-interception game.

–

This column is sponsored by fear of those I don’t understand.

It will return for the playoffs. Thanks to all three of you who read this.

Merry Christmas. Sleep in heavenly peace.

These week 4 NFL picks are wrong, dead wrong. There’s clear evidence. Still, I insist they are right because they come from the fellows at Foot Locker.

In fact, these picks are so wrong that Democrats and Republicans agree they are bad. Democrats and Republicans never agree about anything. But on this, they agree. Why? Because NFL football is the most important issue in America.

As the NFL began resembling the WWE, politicians of both parties – who believe diverse things about unions  – agreed that it was time to bring back the “real” referees. This was actually the only item in the past decade or so in which politicians in both parties have agreed.  There is nothing more important to the survival of our country than the integrity of a call in an NFL end zone.

War? Taxes? The Deficit? Jobs? The environment? The economy? Are you kidding me! Did you see that Packers game!

That’s why these picks are always so deliberately horrible (although I did pick the Seahawks to beat the Packers… draw your own conclusions) It’s the only way to get everyone to work together. Prove me wrong. Go on, I dare you to find a non-NFL issue that Democrats and Republicans agree on. We are one nation under the NFL. Ask a Democrat. Or ask a Republican. They’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Art Modell is dead. I smell a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl, or maybe that’s just Art’s dead body. Ray Lewis drowns in the evil man’s ghost feces while standing on a tarmac at the Baltimore airport. And then Trent Richardson teaches Ray Rice how to play. Browns 35, Ravens 23

VIKINGS AT LIONS – The Vikings are better than the Lions? Nah, last week was a setup. Lions 24, Vikings 20

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Who knew this game would seem to matter? Well, maybe the replacement referees knew. Rams 20, Seahawks 17

49ers AT JETS – After a burp against the Vikings, San Francisco visits the world famous Revis Island Resort and Spa, featuring free crutches. 49ers 25, Jets 15

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Before last week, I thought the Chargers were good and the Chiefs were bad. Chiefs 24, Chargers 21

BYE AT COLTS – Andrew Luck works on his Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

TITANS AT TEXANS – Chris Johnson is washed up enough to audition for a Pauly Shore movie. The Texans are solid and look Super Bowl bound Texans 40, Titans 20

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan looks like the best quarterback in the NFL, while Cam Newton is looking like the guy some warned against drafting. Time changes everything… well, except the Browns for the last decade. Falcons 28, Panthers 14

BYE AT STEELERS – The Steelers give up four touchdowns.

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Bill Belichick can’t blame the referees, so he grabs 93-year-old Ralph Wilson and screams at him. Bills 28, Patriots 27

BENGALS AT JAGUARS – Karma says the Bengals will find a way to lose and stop their forward motion. After all, they are the Bengals. Jaguars 20, Bengals 17

DOLPHINS AT CARDINALS – The Cardinals defense against a Reggie Bush-less Dolphins is not fair. Cardinals 24, Dolphins 17

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning has a few good games left in him, and this is one. Broncos 29, Raiders 22

REDSKINS AT BUCCANEERS – Although Robert Griffin III will be special, the Redskins are already playing to give the Rams a better draft pick. Buccaneers 24, Redskins 21

SAINTS AT PACKERS – The Saints have the worst defense in football, and the Packers have a week of rage to take out on that bad defense. Packers 50, Saints 37

GIANTS AT EAGLES – NFL defenses have been treating Michael Vick like a bad dog, and he doesn’t like it. Mr. Vick, meet Mr. Jason Pierre-Paul. Giants 26, Eagles 23

BEARS AT COWBOYS – In a battle of untrustworthy quarterbacks, I trust Tony Romo way more than I trust Jay Cutler. Cowboys 20, Bears 14

This column is sponsored by Mitt Romney’s hair.
—

LAST WEEK  7-9       SEASON 21-27

—

Please check out this excerpt from Chapter 1 of Conquering The North Face: Leader or Bully; There Are Consequences

Please buy Conquering The North Face

Thank you!

– The Grateful Dead

—

My opponent for the job of Week 8 NFL Prognosticator was Brett Favre’s penis photographer. Plus, she’s a witch. And she’s not even a she. She’s a he. And he wants to sell your children to an illegal immigrant and then tax you for the transaction.

My opponent once owned a restaurant and brags about his business experience, but what he doesn’t tell you is that his famous dish was slow-cooked puppy-and-kitten stew. The stew was delicious, but is this the kind of person you want picking week 8 in the NFL?

Our country is in peril and my opponent has hired campaign workers to put helmet-to-helmet hits on my supporters. Sure, we have retaliated. Politics is a contact sport.

But listen, my fellow citizens. I am pleading with you to despise  my opponent as much as I do. Just remember my slogan: His morals are even worse than mine! My opponent has thrown a lot of dirt in this campaign. But I have only one question for him: Why are you so fond of your pet goat?

If my opponent is elected, be fearful about whatzgonnahappen.

DOLPHINS AT BENGALS – If the Bengals defense was on trial, they would offer no defense. And while the Dolphins should run wild, the Bengals offense should offer some reality-show-type explosions. Bengals 30, Dolphins 17

JAGUARS AT COWBOYS – Did you know that Jon Kitna is still alive? Isn’t he the same age as Ernest Borgnine? Cowboys 35, Jaguars 12

BYE AT FALCONS – Roddy White receives another shipment of Jerry Rice’s blood.

REDSKINS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford will pick on DeAngelo Hall, who will pick off Stafford  once. He will also get burned for two touchdowns. Donovan McNabb mounts a valiant rally, but watch out for the Lions. Yes, you just read that. Lions 24, Redskins 20

BILLS AT CHIEFS – Ryan Fitzpatrick passes. He went to Harvard and he passes. Get it? Bills 24, Chiefs 23

BYE AT RAVENS – Someone in a Ray Lewis costume knocks on Ray Lewis’ door asking for candy, and Ray Lewis is scared to death.

PACKERS AT JETS – This is an episode of M*A*S*H. Aaron Rodgers is Hawkeye. Jets 33, Packers 20

BRONCOS AT 49ERS AT LONDON – Nice try NFL, but you can’t move this game far enough away. 49Ers 21, Broncos 19

BYE AT BEARS – Kids at Jay Cutler’s house get the wrong candy.

PANTHERS AT RAMS – Two franchises going in opposite directions. Rams 20, Panthers 17

TITANS AT CHARGERS – Best offense in the league? Check. Best defense in the league? Check. Oh, coached by Norv Turner. Even so, the Chargers have to win sometime, no? Chargers 26, Titans 22

BYE AT GIANTS – Ahmad Bradshaw dresses like Chris Johnson and suddenly gets respect.

BUCCANEERS AT CARDINALS – The Cardinals are going to have a good game sometime. And the Buccaneers are ready to trip. Cardinals 29, Buccaneers 10

VIKINGS AT PATRIOTS – Brett Favre limps, Randy Moss slouches, and Brad Childress stews. Still, Adrian Peterson causes nightmares until Tom Brady saves the day. Piece of cake. Patriots 24, Vikings 21

BYE AT EAGLES – Kevin Kolb dresses as Michael Vick, and Vick dress as Kolb. They do it just to mess with Andy Reid.

SEAHAWKS AT RAIDERS – This isn’t a prediction. More like a wish. Seahawks 59, Raiders 3

STEELERS AT SAINTS – After playing the mighty Browns defense, Drew Brees is relieved to face the Steelers. Saints 22, Steelers 15

BYE AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy, known for his accuracy, mistakenly kicks Jake Delhomme in the ankle and then mistakenly kicks Seneca Wallace in the ankle. “I was just kicking around some ideas for our offense,” he explains.

TEXANS AT COLTS – Arians Foster described the atmosphere in Indianapolis as a whole different animal than playing at home. Some describe it as skunk. Colts 20, Texans 0

This column is sponsored by hope, change, and tea.

– Bob Dylan

—

There once was a Louisiana cow that loved the NFL and, as this is a religious story, we shall call her a sacred cow although her given name was Elsie. All her life, Elsie had one goal – to become the official football of Super Bowl XLIV. In order to get her way, she promised to affect the results of the big game.

A pig, for some reason gets all the credit, but a football is made of cowhide, not pigskin. Specifically, the Super Bowl XLIV football is made out of Elsie the Cow’s hide.

Once Elsie promised to affect the outcome in a conspiratorial way, the grateful NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell slaughtered Elsie with his own hands and then he sewed her hide together with a shoelace while Michael Vick watched, and the two casually discussed a good steak tip rub (olive oil, brown sugar, chile powder, a bit of cumin, less cayenne pepper, and lots of garlic).

This all happened and I have the false memory to prove it, and this means that everything Elsie the cow said she would do in Super Bowl XLIV is certain to happen.

Elsie The Cow was a New Orleans Saints fan her entire life. She grew up on Archie Manning’s farm cheering for Archie Manning.  She even owned a “Who Dat?” bag that she wore over her head for a decade. But she was also the cow that gave the milk that went on the cereal that Peyton Manning ate every morning when he was growing up.

So much like Archie Manning, you can see how Elsie the cow was conflicted when she learned her favorite quarterback would be playing against her favorite team in the Super Bowl.

For days, Elsie the Cow begged Archie Manning to take her to the Super Bowl. She sent text messages and tweeted him, but Archie said he was reluctantly bringing Eli instead. Elsie was determined not to miss this game for the world, even if it meant missing the world, so she arranged for a trip to New York – she flew coach – where she met with the commissioner, and every play of Super Bowl XLIV was planned in advance.

So with fresh blood still on his hands, the commissioner appeared at the Media Day podium to declare: “I guarantee this will be the greatest Super Bowl ever.” Yes, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

PRE-GAME: Queen Latifah sings “America The Beautiful”; Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem and General Larry Platt sings “Pants On The Ground”. America is honored.

COIN FLIP: Honorary coin flipper Brett Favre throws the coin up and it lands heads. I changed my mind, tails! I mean heads! No wait, he threw it to Tracy Porter it’s… Saints’ ball.

FIRST QUARTER: The Saints score after an eight-play 70-yard drive. The Colts follow it up with a seven-play 80-yard drive. And then when the opening kickoff happens, the game really gets exciting. The exciting part is that, unexpectedly, the defenses each come up with a couple of stops after the first two touchdowns. The Saints try to steal the ball and are unable, while Dwight Freeney works on the one-legged hop move. Drew Brees looks determined but frustrated. Conversely, Peyton Manning looks frustrated but determined. Saints 7, Colts 7

SECOND QUARTER: The football starts doing funny things, almost like there was a conspiracy. On the second play of the quarter, the ball hits Dallas Clark in the hands and then bounces up in the air, off of two Saints players, and lands back in his hands. It’s only an 8-yard gain for a first down, but it’s the beginning of a trend. Two more times in the quarter, when the Colts needed a first down, the bounce of the ball plays a part. Drew Brees throws for two touchdowns and Reggie Bush Barishnikovs (new football verb) his way down the sidelines for another. The Colts and their lucky football also score three touchdowns. Saints 28, Colts 28

HALTIME: Wearing “Who Dat?” shirts, The Who, just like on “Live at Leeds,” play a 15-minute version of “My Generation.” When the song ends, Roger Daltry announces, “We’re old.” Then Daltry and Pete Townsend commit on-stage hari kari. The crowd goes wild! Reviewers say it was cooler than beating up their instruments.

COMMERCIALS:

SUPER BOWL AD # 1 (15 seconds =$15 million billion)

SUPER BOWL AD #2 (SAME PRICE, CLASSIER ACTING CHOPS)

THIRD QUARTER: As the quarter begins, Archie Manning tells Phil Simms that just like Phil would surely would root for his New York Giants against any team quarterbacked by Chris Simms, he is really rooting for the Saints. “I didn’t have the heart to tell Peyton,” says Archie. “Yeah, that makes sense,” says Phil. By the time they are done conversing, each team has scored two more touchdowns. The Colts score legitimate touchdowns while the Saints are helped by the odd bounce of the ball. Saints 42, Colts 42

FOURTH QUARTER: With a mouthful of steak tips, Roger Goodell comments on what a great game he is watching and commences playing a drinking game with his own rules. Every time Archie Manning is shown on TV, the commissioner suspends a random player and then chugs  scotch. Within a few minutes, half of the Cincinnati Bengals have been suspended and the commissioner is yelling “You’re suspended!” as if he was Donald Trump firing someone. As cameras across the world are focused on fans in New Orleans, one guy with a Polaroid camera is chronicling what’s happening in Indianapolis. In Miami, the turnovers start as if the football has a mind of its own. No one scores until the final drive when Peyton, on third and 15 from the Saints 38, scrambles for five yards instead of throwing across his body for a certain interception. That’s when Matt Stover, the last original Cleveland Brown Version 1.0 comes in and kicks a game winning field goal. Colts 45, Saints 42

POSTGAME: First question: “Congratulations, do you wish you tried to go undefeated?”

–

This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.com

—

TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.

But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.

In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.

The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.

Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.

And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is.  As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.

Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.

But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die  –  even though I did.

So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning –  and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)

So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”

And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen.—

JETS AT COLTS – On the first play from scrimmage, Curtis Painter (that’s right) hits Reggie Wayne for a 90-yard touchdown pass. After Mark Sanchez’s first pass is intercepted, Jim Caldwell sends Peyton Manning into the game and as he does he moons Rex Ryan. After Manning throws two quick touchdown passes, Ryan and his blitzing-on-defense/running-on-offense strategy looks as silly as his prediction. But then the Jets running game gets established for a drive and the Jets break through for a score. This prompts Rex Ryan to flip Jim Caldwell the bird and tell sideline reporter Gilbert Arenas that he metaphorically wishes he had a gun. Arenas asks “what does ‘metaphorically’ mean,” and then he and his shoulder-mounted rocket launcher are led away laughing in handcuffs. But by halftime, Peyton Manning has thrown two more touchdown passes and Jim Caldwell has secretly paid two Jets player to fill a Gatorade bucket with goat urine and dump it on Rex at the end of the game. While  Ryan’s halftime speech is filled with enough profanity to make Snoop Dog blush, there is not enough of Snoop’s favorite herb in the entire world for the Jets to even imagine a way to stop the machine that is Peyton Manning. After the game, Rex Ryan decides he doesn’t like Gatorade any more. Colts 45, Jets 7

TED KENNEDY AGAIN: You want to hear some creepy heaven gossip? Jack told me he knew Helen Thomas when she was hot. I know, I know…

VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Who dat? That’s what Archie Manning says to himself at the moment he discovers that when you get exactly what you want it may not really be exactly what you want. When Drew Brees walks on the field during warmups and the score is already 7-0, Archie Manning realizes that a Giants/Colts Super Bowl would be easier on him (he’d root for Peyton over Eli for sure).  But as the National Anthem is sung and the score turns to 14-0, Archie finds himself gleeful to see the Saints winning big early. The first quarter is a soul-searching event for Archie Manning. Each time the Saints score, his soul has a nostalgic orgasm but he knows that this means his Super Bowl will likely lead him to years of therapy. After all, unlike Eli, he actually likes his son Peyton. He would root for him in almost every circumstance. Although I am merely reporting facts that I have invented and made up, that doesn’t mean this sentence or the previous one could not be stolen by someone and quoted as fact. That’s why, as a member of the media, I am throwing it out there. At halftime, Archie Manning is no longer the issue. Brett Favre’s retirement is. Haltime is a tense 15 minutes, filled with 18 Brett Favre press conferences. In the end, he returns for the second half. Adrian Peterson scores a few touchdowns that are filed under the too-little-too-late category, and Archie Manning turns to Oprah, who recommends Dr. Phil, who recommends Glenn Beck, who says gold is golden. That’s gold, not purple. Saints 41, Vikings 21

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