In that case I’ll go underground
Get some heavy rest
Never have to worry
About what is worst and what is best
– Van Morrison

I just arrived in New Hampshire after voting eight times in Iowa, where I picked up these 2012 NFL Wild Card Weekend predictions from Michele Bachman. So yeah, these are accurate.

Bachman is out of the race and the Cleveland Browns are out of the NFL playoffs. Coincidence? Or are crazy-eyed grandiose schemes always bound to fail?

santorum sweater vest NFL picksYou may have noticed that I am now wearing a sweater vest, just like Rick Santorum. It is because I have decided to be sanctimonious about the 2012 NFL wild card weekend picks. Look, the Browns will not lose this weekend. Anyone who disagrees with me lacks moral character, not to mention a sweater vest.

Rick Perry, God bless him, is still around. And when he compared himself to Tim Tebow, he was actually right on target.

Newt Gingrich, the Rex Ryan of the campaign, remains full of contradictory bluster. But his Mark Sanchez lives inside his brain, throwing interceptions.

I wanted to vote John Huntsman, because I felt bad for him. But I feel bad for the Jacksonville Jaguars too. So what.

Which brings me to my eight votes for Mitt Romney. I had decided either he or Ron Paul would get my eight votes. Although I am a libertarian when it comes to hating the Pittsburgh Steelers, I am with Romney when he changes his mind all the time because I don’t really know whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT TEXANS – These two teams are in the playoffs? Really? Is this the first sign of the Apocalypse? Sometime during the game Andy Dalton and A.J. Green will work some magic but the Texans running game wears down the dumb Bengals.  Texans 23, Bengals 20

STEELERS AT BRONCOS – The evil Steelers, even with Rashard Mendenhall out and Ben Roethlisberger hurting, shouldn’t have much trouble with the Fighting Tebows. While the Broncos defense is tough, I agree with everyone who says the Steelers wide receivers will have a big game. I am an American… I learned everything I know from television. Steelers 24, Broncos 10

LIONS AT SAINTS – I like fireworks. Do you like fireworks? I like fireworks. Matthew Stafford and Drew Brees are pyrotechnicians with loaded arsenals. Ndamukong Suh might make a difference, but probably for getting kicked out. I want to pick the Lions but they haven’t really beaten anybody and although I like the Lions offense and defense, I love the Saints offense more. The Saints running backs will have big games and the Saints survive a wild shootout. Saints 45, Lions 42

FALCONS AT GIANTS – The Falcons offensive line versus the Giants defensive line. That is the game. The Giants defensive line is the identity of the team, although Eli Manning to Victor Cruz has become a weekly highlight. The Falcons are getting closer, and they don’t regret trading for Julio Jones. Giants 27, Falcons 20

BYE AT PACKERS – The quarterback controversy swirls in Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers calls Brett Favre for advice.

BYE AT PATRIOTS – While the Patriots use bubble gum and rubber bands to hold the defense together, Devin McCourty moving to safety qualifies as scotch tape.

BYE AT RAVENS – A Michelle Bachman sign, thrown by an angry supporter in Iowa, falls on Ray Lewis’ head. The soulless Ravens will go as far as Ray Rice takes them.

BYE AT 49ers – Alex Smith spends the bye week reading stories about how he is a bust.

BYE AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy buys a Robert Griffin III voodoo doll.

This column is sponsored by the Get-The-Browns-A-Real-Quarterback SuperPAC.

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