Crazy laughter in another room
And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon
– The Eagles
—
My date told me she found me to be of questionable character because of my Week 3 NFL picks.
We had just shared a romantic midnight picnic on the neighborhood satanic altar when I passed her a bloody bat’s neck sandwich and urged her to try it with Tabasco sauce because it was spicy, like her. We then shared tea and cake and called it a party.
As we were summoning Beelzebub, I happened to mention that I think the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the Baltimore Ravens in Week 3 of the 2010 NFL season, and that’s when she accused me of having bad judgment.
We caught a newt and gouged out its eyes in order to make eye of newt soup, but she just wouldn’t let it go – the newt, or the subject of my NFL picks. Christine said she would be happy to shrink heads with me or whatever else it is I do, as long as I respect Ray Lewis on defense.
I told her that Ray Lewis is evil.
I can still see vividly in my mind’s evil eye how she shook her big hair at me, sent me on my way and urged me, as brilliantly interpreted by Rachel Maddow, not to congratulate myself. I admit that after spending time with such a temptress, I immediately went home and congratulated myself. Again and again.
Years later, I now reflect with a melancholy in my heart and garlic cloves around my neck on the young woman who didn’t steal my virginity or my sanity, but proved beyond any doubt that you really never know whatzgonnahappen.
49ers at CHIEFS – Mike Singletary is either about to turn the team around or film a Coors Lite commercial. 49ers 24, Chiefs 12
BENGALS AT PANTHERS – Get ready for goofy props and tortuously bad “choreography.” Bengals 39, Panthers 10
TITANS AT GIANTS – I may be the only one, but I’d rather have Vince Young than Eli Manning as my long-term quarterback. Titans 28, Giants 27
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Pay attention to the Patriots new tight ends. Tom Brady does. Patriots 40, Bills 21
FALCONS AT SAINTS – Good teams sometimes lose games. I am a wealth of obvious knowledge. Falcons 30, Saints 20
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Seneca Wallace throws four touchdown passes, Joe Flacco (can you say overrated?) throws four interceptions, and Ray Lewis gets sudden acute fatal scurvy. And don’t forget about Josh Cribbs. The Ravens won’t anytime soon. Browns 42, Ravens 3
LIONS AT VIKINGS – The rulebook explicitly states that NFL officials should always cheat in Brett Favre’s favor, and against the Lions. Vikings 27, Lions 17
STEELERS AT BUCCANEERS – Sure, the Bucs can go 3-0 before learning how to lose again. Buccaneers 20, Steelers 17
COWBOYS AT TEXANS – Wade Phillips polishes his resume. Texans 28, Cowboys 21
REDSKINS AT RAMS – Sam Bradford gets his first win and Daniel Snyder secretly confides to a sports radio audience that he’s thinking of firing Mike Shanahan. Rams 23, Redskins 17
EAGLES AT JAGUARS – Andy Reid has an uncanny ability to change his mind. Eagles 24, Jaguars 14
COLTS AT BRONCOS – Facing Peyton Manning is not good emotional therapy. Colts 31, Broncos 19
CHARGERS AT SEAHAWKS – Every year, I jump on a bandwagon early, but it’s too early for anything but the anti-Chargers bandwagon. Seahawks 27, Chargers 24
RAIDERS AT CARDINALS – The good Derek Anderson shows up. Cardinals 31, Raiders 17
JETS AT DOLPHINS – The Tuna’s team beats the Whale’s team. Afterward, Braylon Edwards drives a Budweiser truck to Lebron James’ house in South Beach and they relive old times. Dolphins 14, Jets 10
PACKERS AT BEARS – Let the video game begin. Packers 45, Bears 42
–
RADIO ALERT:
This Sunday, September 26, I make my annual visit to co-host Eddie Andelman’s Sports Huddle from 7-10 pm on 96.9 FM in Boston.
Eddie Andelman is a legendary Boston sports talk host – one of the actual creators of the entire genre. For my readers from Cleveland, Eddie is the Pete Franklin of Boston. I grew up listening to Pete Franklin, who was the Eddie Andelman of Cleveland.
—
This column is sponsored by Performance Enhancing Rugs.