Come together right now over me
– The Beatles
These week 12 NFL Picks can’t dance, but they are related to a turkey. For those of you hating on these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey, now is your last chance to shoot your television before these NFL picks flip you the middle finger.
Let the dancing begin. First up are Brad Childress and Brett Favre dancing to the song, “Taps.” Gosh, that was inspirational.
Now, Vince Young and Jeff Fisher will perform a literal version of The Nutcracker. Ouch.
Finally, these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey are going to perform a lovely dance in which one is going to die, get cooked, and then eaten. Sort of like the previous two dances.
PATRIOTS AT LIONS – Lion at Thanksgiving again? Aw Grandma, can’t we ever have a turkey? Patriots 34, Lions 20
SAINTS AT COWBOYS – Wade Phillips is reincarnated as a dead turkey, and then as the recurring spirit of this year’s Cowboy’s team. Saints 36, Cowboys 13
BENGALS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez won’t need to climb out of a phone booth this week. Jets 27, Bengals 17
VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Schadenfreude is a good word. Redskins 23, Vikings 20
STEELERS AT BILLS – The Bills lose the game, but first take turns slapping Ben Roethlisberger upside the head. Steelers 23, Bills 14
TITANS AT TEXANS – Vince Young is replaced by Neil Young. Texans 26, Titans 19
JAGUARS AT GIANTS – Eli dives and doesn’t fumble. Maurice Jones-Drew discovers what it is like to be tackled. Giants 25, Jaguars 18
PANTHERS AT BROWNS – Peyton Hillis carries the balls 35 times. The Browns quarterback, whatshisname, hardly needs to throw. Grandma suffers a high ankle sprain delivering the turkey. Browns 28, Panthers 19
BUCCANEERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis makes it over the river, but he doesn’t get through the woods. Surprisingly, the Ravens don’t get to Grandma’s house either. Buccaneers 23, Ravens 20
EAGLES AT BEARS – Mike Vick running reckless is scary. Fun, but scary. I predict he plays less than MVP-like this week. Bears 24, Eagles 21
PACKERS AT FALCONS – If Brett Favre hadn’t sucked all the oxygen out of the media, someone would have noticed these two young quarterbacks. Packers 26, Falcons 24
DOLPHINS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders confuse me, but I’m now a Richard Seymour fan. Raiders 19, Dolphins 16
CHIEFS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll tars and feathers himself as an inspirational halftime stunt. Seahawks 26, Chiefs 13
RAMS AT BRONCOS – Brady Quinn is named the Broncos starting, um, waterboy. Tim Tebow is named Tim Tebow. Broncos 24, Rams 20
CHARGERS AT COLTS – After God created beer, He invented the NFL. Games like this are why. Chargers 29, Colts 27
49ers AT CARDINALS – No one is giving thanks for this game. Yeah, Happy Thanksfornothing. Cardinals 10, 49ers 9
This column is sponsored by stuff that happened 20 years ago, and alcohol.