You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
– J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie
I believe in you. That’s why I tripped the opposing prognosticator as he was running to the liquor store. But I don’t think I’ve been naughty. I adapted to my environment.
Now I am unemployed, so please bring winning week 15 NFL picks because I am giving potatoes as Christmas presents this year. Not Mr. Potatohead. Potatoes. Well, one potato each – except for the twins, who must share.
Look Santa, I know that you will bring touchdowns to Tom Brady like you bring riches to rich people, but can you please put some winning week 15 NFL picks under my tree. I know I don’t actually have a tree. Pretend my hat is a tree.
As you know, Santa, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I’d like to thank you for bringing Colt McCoy back because Jake Delhomme was making me think you didn’t exist. But I am more than a Browns fan. I am American, so it would make me very happy if you and the elves could bring rent money. Pretty please, plus groceries on top!
A job would be great too, but I understand you have limitations. It’s not like you’re the Easter Bunny.
Still, it’s almost Christmas! I am so excited that rich people got a tax cut. I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.
49ers AT CHARGERS – Even though the final score will end up Chargers 34, 49ers 7, I am sticking with my original prediction of… Chargers 36, 49ers 10
CARDINALS AT PANTHERS – Each coach stands on the sideline ringing a little bell. Panthers 15, Cardinals 13
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to play for either of these teams while they are owned by these two knuckleheads. I was on Willie Nelson’s tour bus when he sang it that way. I think that’s how I remember it. Cowboys 26, Redskins 19
CHIEFS AT RAMS – The Chiefs have been in trouble ever since they cut Matt Cassell’s appendix from the roster. Rams 27, Chiefs 6
EAGLES AT GIANTS – While performing The Nutcracker on the 1-yard line, DeSean Jackson is stripped of the ball and denied a game-winning touchdown. Giants 27, Eagles 24
TEXANS AT TITANS – Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson exchange Christmas presents. “A knuckle sandwich? That’s what I got you!” Titans 24, Texans 23
JAGUARS AT COLTS – Peyton Manning discovers the NFL needs an aging quarterback who throws interceptions. Jaguars 27, Colts 22
SAINTS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis is gift-wrapped too tight to breathe, so he certainly can’t catch Drew Brees. Saints 29, Ravens 19
BROWNS AT BENGALS – Colt McCoy is already the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Of course, Brady Quinn once held that job. Browns 40, Bengals 20
LIONS AT BUCCANEERS – When a game is close, bad teams find a way to lose. Buccaneers 24, Lions 20
BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is better than Chad Henne. Bills 23, Dolphins 17
FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS – The 11-2 Falcons against the 6-7 Seahawks. Yes, a classic battle of first-place teams. Falcons 28, Seahawks 14
JETS AT STEELERS – Santonio Holmes has a big game, prompting Ben Roethlisberger to wonder why his team can’t ever get guys like that. Jets 20, Steelers 17
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – Tim Tebow’s first pass is a touchdown. So the Raiders start out winning 7-0 and the game finishes… Raiders 59, Broncos 0
PACKERS AT PATRIOTS – Matt Flynn starts for the Packers. Tom Brady starts for the Patriots. The cliché would be bringing a bazooka to a knife fight. Patriots 48, Packers 3
BEARS AT VIKINGS – Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen are put on the Vikings roster for this cold weather game. Vikings 30, Bears 27
This column is sponsored by Mistle Tofu.