Who these days, other than the coach of the Buffalo Bills, doesn’t have a lodestar? That would be like not having a cellphone. I actually keep my lodestar next to my cellphone, for easy access. Doesn’t every American? 

While everyone watching anything other than FOX News knows that these week 2 NFL Picks were, in fact, written by a unhinged crazy person, you should rest easy knowing that I and many senior officials of this website are working diligently on the inside to thwart the Prognosticator’s worst instincts.

We  are occasionally successful. Before we intervened, he planned to predict Nathan Peterman was going to be a star. We stopped it just in time. We also stopped his prediction of a 100-year dynasty for the Cleveland Browns. That’s about it.

Most of his worst tendencies seem to go unchecked. And he has really bad tendencies, holding pointless grudges endlessly. He still insists Bill Belichick is a terrible football coach because Belichick cut Bernie Kosar and his diminishing skills more than two decades ago.

Tommy

When we, after consulting our lodestars, are not calling him a moron or an idiot, we call the Prognosticator “Tommy,” from The Who’s rock opera because he seems deaf, dumb and blind. Especially dumb. 

The root of the problem is his sheer stupidity. Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in repetitive rants and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back. And he always complains that the Browns don’t throw enough bombs. He loves bombs.

The idiot who writes these Week 2 NFL picks is not moored to any discernible principles when it comes to evaluating what he thinks will happen. This dumbbell wishes stuff to happen and then tells everyone that it will, OFTEN IN ALL CAPS! And we, the senior officials, are left to clean up the mess.

For instance, after picking the Lions to destroy the Jets, the Jets, in fact, destroyed the Lions. He says that the Jets win is fake news. Publicly, we senior officials vigorously defend the position that the Jets did not beat the Lions.

The Jets won… not fake news.

But Americans can feel good that, behind the scenes, we senior officials, each with a lodestar, are doing everything we can to convince the Prognosticator to read the damn intelligence reports and admit that the Lions actually lost to the Jets.

In fact if you ask me and I can remain anonymous, I will say in print that the Jets beat the Lions last week. 

This is not the work of the so-called deep state. It’s not deep throat either. It’s more like… we know we are in deep shit.

Mine is a quiet resistance because… Shhh, I’m afraid of whatzgonnahappen. 

RAVENS AT BENGALS – This week, Joe Flacco is not playing against a high school team from Detroit. More like a community college team from Cincinnati. But a good community college team. Bengals 24, Ravens 21

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Of these two 8-8 teams of destiny, maybe the Falcons win more. Falcons 22, Panthers 12

TEXANS AT TITANS – Bill O’Brien coaching against Mike Vrabel makes one wonder whether Bill Belichick is a mad genius enough to make sure all his opponents have inferior head coaches. Texans 17, Titans 13

COLTS AT REDSKINS – What “Omaha” was to Peyton Manning, “Golly Gee” is to Andrew Luck. Colts 24, Redskins 23

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – Big Ben meets a younger more talented version of himself. But Ben, having tied the powerhouse Cleveland Browns, has more savvy. Steelers 27, Chiefs 24

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is actually capable of two good games in a row, or even half a season of superb quarterbacking. Thus, the wheels don’t fall off just yet. Buccaneers 24, Eagles 13

DOLPHINS AT JETS – Madison Avenue is selling off of one game against the Lions, but I am not buying. I still say he is Flushing Sam, not the next Broadway Joe. Dolphins 25, Jets 3

CHARGERS AT BILLS – Either the people running the Buffalo Bills are geniuses, or else everyone else in the world was right when they said Josh Allen needed to sit a season. Chargers 38, Bills 3

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers walks on water, according to Vikings coach Mike Zimmer. After the game, a reporter logically asks if it is true and why his Dad created giraffes. “The neck,” said Rogers. Packers 34, Vikings 21

BROWNS AT SAINTS – Tyrod Taylor is going to outplay Drew Brees, and yes I like this tequila. Browns 30, Saints 27

LIONS AT 49ers – Matt Patricia wonders what in the names of Romeo Crennell, Charlie Weiss, Eric Mangini and Josh McDaniels is going wrong with his plan to be the next Bill Belichick. 49ers 37, Lions 10

CARDINALS AT RAMS – Sam Bradford retirement speech should include the phrase, “I am the luckiest man alive.” Rams 28, Cardinals 13

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – Jon Gruden goes home after the game and hugs his old microphone. Broncos 22, Raiders 11

PATRIOTS AT JAGUARS – While Tom Brady has not aged in a decade, this Sunday he adds a couple of years. Jaguars 30, Patriots 10

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Saquon Barkley or Ezekial Elliot? Eli Manning or Dak Prescott? Jerry Jones or Not Jerry Jones? Giants 17, Cowboys 12

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – There is a young kid in Chicago who swears Kahlil Mack is better than Dick Butkus ever was. Seahawks 15, Bears 10 

—

This column is sponsored by the 3,000 rolls of  paper towels that President Trump forgot to throw in Puerto Rico.  

—

These Week 1 NFL Picks, having lit my Nike shoes on fire, are now standing for the Military Anthem while simultaneously pledging allegiance to the Military Flag and demanding that Jeff Sessions investigate anyone who thinks the Cleveland Browns are not the best NFL team in the NFL.

There was no collusion. None of the Cleveland Browns worked in unison with any teammates at all last year. To say otherwise is foolish.

Damn, I forgot to take my Nike shoes off before I lit them on fire. Now my feet are hot. Okay, I shall now dance…

But I am not here for that. Actually, I am not here at all. 

Jon Gruden has traded these Week 1 NFL Picks to Sergei the Russian Hacker for two future first round of fake Facebooks posts “proving” Khalil Mack is overrated.

Here is Sergei to finish this column:

What the covfefe is that FABRICATED WITCH HUNT claiming? I have a large brain, as large as my hands, and I think big thoughts inside it. The RIGGED NFL STANDINGS are full of all kinds of FAKE EVIDENCE that the Browns were absolutely horrible last year.

Lies! All of it. But the FAKE NEWS just repeats it over and over trying to convince you that it’s true. I AM ON TO THEM! It’s clear. THEY ARE THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!

This deep state conspiracy is really bad. Let me say it more clearly so you understand. THIS DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY IS REALLY BAD. Clear now, right?

The corrupt media actually claimed that the disrespectful Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl over the New England Patriots. Look, they’re all in on this deep state conspiracy. IT’S CRAZY! I mean, the team that supposedly lost is called the Patriots! How could that be in America? It’s plain wrong.

I have never seen anything so rigged in my life. This is a TOTAL HOAX.

Anyway, before MS13 goes through with their plan to kill you and your entire family, let me tell you Whatzgonnahappen.

FALCONS AT EAGLES – Nick Foles discovers the golden carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. Falcon 27, Eagles 10

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – Alex Guerrero starts selling supplements in the stands and suddenly a 60-year old insurance salesman in the stands notices that he can sell insurance like a man half his age. Patriots 31, Texans 21

BILLS AT RAVENS – Nathan Peterman throws four interceptions and calls it progress. Ravens 31, Bills 13

JAGUARS AT GIANTS – The highest paid receiver and the most hyped rookie running back in years are stymied by the Jaguars defense, but Blake Bortles is there to save the day… for the Giants. Giants 13, Jaguars 10

49ers AT VIKINGS – Jimmy Garrapolo will never ever lose. 49ers 17, Vikings 13

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Ryan Fitzpatrick is good for about one game a year, and this may be it. But the Saints are still better. Saints 27, Buccaneers 24

STEELERS AT BROWNS – Hue Jackson wears his bathing suit on on the sidelines because he knows that for his next swim in Lake Erie, he’ll be pushed in. Myles Garrett sacks Ben Roethlisberger every single pass play. Browns 30, Steelers 0

BENGALS AT COLTS – Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis could shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and still have their jobs. Colts 17, Bengals 14

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill has Dolphins fans talking about the Super Bowl as in, “I wonder which teams will be in the Super Bowl?” Titans 20, Dolphins 10

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Patrick Mahomes throws a couple of passes that makes one wonder whether he thinks the game is in Los Angeles or San Diego. Chargers 24, Chiefs 10

SEAHAWKS AT BRONCOS – Let the case be made (see what I did there?) that Case Keenum is better than Russell Wilson. Broncos 27, Seahawks 21

COWBOYS AT PANTHERS – Dak Prescott is more overrated than Cam Newton is overrated. Panthers 26, Cowboys 13

REDSKINS AT CARDINALS – Alex Smith is now of of Snyderworld, where all things dysfunction. Cardinals 30, Redskins 20

BEARS AT PACKERS – Kahlil Mack and Aaron Rodgers play poker for $5 million a hand at halftime. Aaron Rodgers is at home and gets a full house. Packers 34, Bears 20

JETS AT LIONS – While Jets fans are hoping that Sam Darnold can become Broadway Sam, I suggest an alternate moniker – Flushing Sam. Lions 31, Jets 7

RAMS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden gets a standing ovation before the game, and then never again. Rams 24, Raiders 3

—

This column is sponsored by the person at Nike who asked, “How can we get racists to stop wearing Nike?” 

—

Here we go again… with blind faith on par with that of a Donald Trump supporter snorting Mexican cocaine off a Russian Bible at a Stormy Daniels show, these 2018 NFL Season Picks are ambitiously picking last year’s winless Cleveland Browns to win this year’s Super Bowl.

First, I would like to take a moment to kneel for our National Random because Oh say can you see what in the loyal hell is going on?

Apparently while I was watching the newest of eight 10-part documentaries about Baker Mayfield’s overwhelming shyness, President Trump consummated a torrid affair (worthy of tic-tacs) with an American flag in a Russian hotel room just after meeting with Vladimir Putin to tell him that hacking last year’s NFL season helped make America great again.

I may not have the details exactly correct on this. You know, because of the fake news. But I have seen incriminating photos.

Still, does anyone really know any details about anything?

You can tell me that the Philadelphia Eagles won last year’s Super Bowl, but I live in New England where everyone knows that Bill Belichick lost last year’s Super Bowl by benching Malcolm Butler.

Perspective explains everything.

Perspective explains everything.

And my perspective on last year’s Super Bowl is that the 2017 season was hacked by the Russians because anyone with a brain (meaning anyone who thinks EXACTLY like me) knows that the Cleveland Browns would have won the Super Bowl if the Russians didn’t interfere by inventing analytics.

If you don’t know what “analytics” are, google it. Did I mention the Russians invented it.

But that was then, before Baker Mayfield arrived to the call of a million trumpets played by angels. I am true believer and so I have willed it to have happened, therefore it did. The trumpet thing, that is.

Now, obviously, America is great again. We are, essentially, at a Charlie Sheen level of “Winning!” In fact, the President was right when he suggested early in his campaign that we might get sick of his kind of winning. I am literally nauseous.

Apparently my orange vomit, after being analyzed in a ICE lab in Virginia, means that I have failed some kind of a loyalty test.

New rules say that although my grandparents arrived here and started cheering for the Cleveland Browns (born in 1946) more than 100 years ago, I can be deported to the old country. I’m not even sure what country that is.

Yeah, first they came for the Browns fans, and you said nothing.

So if I were you, and I cheered for your team, I’d be worried about whatzgonnahapen.

AFC

EAST

PATRIOTS – 11-5

DOLPHINS – 7-9

JETS – 5-11

BILLS –  3-13 

NORTH

BROWNS –  16-0

STEELERS  – 9-7

RAVENS – 6-10

BENGALS – 4-12

SOUTH

TEXANS – 12-4

JAGUARS – 9-7

TITANS –  8-8

COLTS – 5-11

WEST

CHARGERS – 10-6

CHIEFS –  8-8

RAIDERS –  8-8

BRONCOS – 4-12

NFC

EAST

EAGLES – 12-4

GIANTS – 8-8

COWBOYS – 7-9

REDSKINS – 6-10

NORTH

PACKERS – 10-6 

VIKINGS – 10-6

LIONS –  8-8

BEARS – 4-12

SOUTH

SAINTS – 11-5

FALCONS – 9-7

PANTHERS – 8-8

BUCANEERS – 4-12

WEST

49ers – 12-4 

RAMS – 10-6 

CARDINALS – 9-7 

SEAHAWKS – 5-11  

—

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP

49ers OVER SAINTS 

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP

BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

==

SUPERBOWL

BROWNS OVER 49ers  

–

This column is sponsored by the popular board game, Witch Hunt. 

—

This Super Bowl 52 Pick comes from the scene of another senseless murder, a Super Bowl party where someone has been killed for saying the words, “Dilly, Dilly” one time too many. It is happening across America.

Things are worse at the violently contested border of fake news and real mirages, the exact place where Tom Brady’s hand was once amputated and Nick Foles is a Super Bowl quarterback.

There are refugees in the border area – stunned and without hope, almost all of them wearing Johnny Manziel Cleveland Browns jerseys.

Oh the humanity! So many Manziels staring with dead eyes.

“We could have drafted Carson Wentz,” said one of the refugees, smelling like cheap beer and despair. “Wentz was so good that he got injured so Nick Foles could go to the Super Bowl.”

“We could have drafted Tom Brady!” said another one of the refugees. “But we had to have Spergon Wynn.” That refugee, now an adult, started cheering for the Cleveland Browns as a young child. He is one of the dreamers you read about in the news.

“We could have drafted Nick Foles,” said a mentally challenged man wearing a Brandon Weeden jersey.

The United Nations, not to mention the NFL, has abandoned these people.

The Super Bowl is for the elites. Tom Brady has been in the Super Bowl eight of his 16 years in the NFL. This is his second time playing in a Super Bowl against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Super Bowl is, essentially, Davos.  

There is barely a word here about the refugees. Not even the refugees from recently vanquished cities, such as Jacksonville and, well, actually… The poor people in Minnesota were one game away from hosting a home game Super Bowl, and now they are refugees in their own city. It’s truly sad. Which is very different than “Sad!”

But Cleveland has the Browns and thus, a factory of sadness, which is another level of sadness altogether. This sadness deserves an exclamation point, except what would really be the point, at this point.

And so the Super Bowl is here again, and the refugees from every city are faced with the fact that their team could have had Saint Tom Brady. Or Nick Foles. You could have had Nick Foles. Yes, Nick Foles. Is your quarterback playing in the Super Bowl? Nick Foles is.

But next year, my team will be in the Super Bowl. Can someone give me a “Dilly Dilly?” That’s Whatzgonnahappen.

BYE AT BROWNS: The perfect season parade was practice for the upcoming Super Bowl parade. The team is never prepared, but the fans are.

PREGAME: Donald Trump has declined to do the traditional pre-game Presidential interview. So NBC shows a montage of him insulting the NFL, and NFL players.

COIN FLIP: A Bitcoin is tossed. Bill Belichick wrote the blockchain code. Patriots win and defer.

FIRST QUARTER:  Rob Gronkowski catches three passes, including a touchdown pass. But when he is hit in the head, he is suddenly quoting Fyodor Dostoyevsky and ruminating on Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity. He is banned from returning to the game for trying to talk to the referee about molecular biology and genome-resolved metagenomics. Patriots 7, Eagles 3

SECOND QUARTER: Nick Foles was able to do nothing in the first quarter and LeGarrette Blount got stuffed every time he touched the ball. But the second quarter is a different story. Foles catches fire after Blount storms for two big runs. “The Patriots are confused,” claims Chris Collinsworth, grinning like a 1960s nun after hitting an unruly student with a ruler. Tom Brady plays along and gets sacked twice. Eagles 20, Patriots 3

HALFTIME: Justin Timberlake finishes his halftime show with a new song called, “Wardrobe Malfunction, MeToo.”

THIRD QUARTER: The Patriots take the kickoff and Brady drives them right down the field until they stall. Meanwhile, Nick Foles continues his Johnny Unitas impersonation. In the stands, Eagles fans who could afford Super Bowl tickets and Patriots fans who could afford Super Bowl tickets are having a good old-fashioned English soccer brawl. Eagles 33, Patriots 6

FOURTH QUARTER: With the Patriots down by 27 points in the fourth quarter, Patriots fans are already opening champagne and lighting off fireworks. So are misguided Eagles fans. Someone in England donates a nickel to solve homelessness for every time someone in the six-state region says, “Tom Brady’s got this,” and the next thing you know bums are buying mansions. Patriots 34, Eagles 33

FINAL SCORE: Patriots 34, Eagles 33

POSTGAME: Brady is MVP. President Trump shows up to congratulate him and tell America that Tom Brady is his best friend. He finishes his speech with, “Dilly Dilly!”

—

This column is sponsored by Senator Sam Ervin.

—

Doctor Bigmac McWhopper says that my fat, lazy NFL Conference Championship picks are in perfect physical health.

First he put me through a series of tests, including the Tide Pod Challenge. No challenge at all. I ate three of them, and washed them down with a Diet Coke, a Whopper and a Big Mac, just as was written on my prescription.

My doctor also gave me a cognitive test. I don’t know that that means. But I am, like, a very stable genius, same as every other sad, pathetic Cleveland Browns fan in the world.

Four teams remain in the playoffs. So I picked another team to win the Super Bowl, and then the doctor, for some reason, ordered the cognitive test.

If ‘cognitive’ means cheering for the Cleveland Browns to win a playoff game this weekend, I passed the test. The fact that they are not playing proves my point. They will not lose.

And speaking of the Fake News Awards – I was, right? – did anyone get a look at the award-winning 2017 NFL standings? The Browns at 0-16? This is why no one trusts the media.

My doctor, a graduate of the Trump University School Of Literary Medicine, is so successful that he recently went from renting a unheated apartment over billiards hall to owning 10 oceanfront houses frequented by Russian “models.”

Even better, my doctor doesn’t like poor people. Right?

I mean, except for poor Cleveland Browns fans who, even if they have lots of money, are spiritually poor and living in emotional poverty.

Let’s not mince words, or be snowflake politically correct. The Cleveland Browns are a shithole organization that was just given a parade for its suckiness. Professional football players getting paid millions of dollars to lose every game, just like you or I could, have feelings and they were sad about the parade.

The perfect season parade, sadly, was not my idea, proving even I have room to cognitively improve. Of course, I won’t. You already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen.

JAGUARS AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady has his right hand amputated in the first half but is still able to throw one touchdown with his left hand. Brady’s personal trainer and TB12 business partner, Alex Guerrero, recommends 30 minutes of rest after halftime, and an advocado rub. Bill Belichick turns to new hero, Brian Hoyer to rally the team to a win. Patriots 34, Jaguars 27

VIKINGS AT EAGLES – There is a school of thought that Nick Foles is a tall Case Keenum. But I think it’s more like Nick Foles is a better version of Brock Osweiler while Case Keenum is a downgrade from Drew Brees. I’ll take the Brees downgrade, and the Vikings defense all the way to the Super Bowl. Vikings 23, Eagles 13

BYE AT BROWNS – At several national publications and websites, an editor is already planning a 2021 long piece looking back at this Browns draft wondering, “How Did the Browns Manage To Screw Up The 2018 Draft?”

This column is sponsored by Incoming Ballistic Missile Alerts.

—

According to a new explosive book, the guy who writes these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks is a clueless unstable fool who likes an NFL team just because they wear orange on their head.

This book, called, “The Coach Should Be Fired, The Fans Are Furious” claims the childish writer of this column is so prone to crazy whims that he will cheer for any shitty quarterback who happens to wear a Cleveland Browns uniform.

And get this. This book claims that this column will predict the Browns to win this weekend, even though the Browns are not in the NFL playoffs, and barely in the NFL.

Yes, the book is about life inside my little white house. The author is a jerk.

The author, I think, is also vengeful and sneaky. Duplicitous even. He got his way into my good graces, and then turned on me. But forget that. I deny I even know the author of this book. Never met him.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

Still, I am proud as well as paranoid. This is because of President Donald J. Trump, America’s supreme leader and the only president ever with the same hair color as the burnt orange of the Cleveland Browns helmet. He is my hero, as he is yours because he is, in his own words, “a very stable genius.”

Because of President Trump, I do not believe the fake news that claims the Cleveland Browns went 0-16 this season. No one could believe such lies.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

I believe that, just like Trump, the Cleveland Browns have been winning bigly. His one year in office, like the Browns past two years (1-31 record, according to the fake news) in the NFL, has been awesome. I, literally, am in awe.

But back to that explosive book. This column (yes, I am the author who was granted unprecedented access to the idiot’s life) has spent a year embedded inside this moron’s white house, and it is clear that everyone around him hates him.

Those people are just like you, his faithful reader(s), who read this (the only plausible reason) to increase your own sense of superiority. He has no clue, but I am on to you and them, and him.

“He roots for the Browns,” said one anonymous source, who looked just like the columnist’s lovely, long-suffering wife – except for the large nose, big glasses, and a thick black plastic mustache.

“He hasn’t seen a real NFL game in more than 20 years,” said the anonymous source. “He’s not qualified for this. The only thing he does anymore is say, ‘Bernie Kosar was better than this.’ He says it all day long.”

That’s not all I do. Sometimes I hit myself in the head with a hammer and say I can’t wait to see whatzgonnhappen.

TITANS AT CHIEFS – The last run of Alex Smith in Kansas City continues. Chiefs 23, Titans 21

FALCONS AT RAMS – Jared Goff is already better than Matt Ryan. Rams 34, Falcons 26

BILLS AT JAGUARS – Blake Bortles has more ability to lose a game than Tyrod Taylor. Bills 23, Jaguars 13

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees realizes he needs to brand himself like Tom Brady, AKA Tom Cruise. Saints 30, Panthers 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick hires the Kardashian family.

BYE AT EAGLES – Nick Foles looks everywhere for his lost lucky charm.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin teaches his weekly yoga class.

BYE AT VIKINGS – Case Keenum takes it one day at a time.

BROWNS IN HELL – Nothing to see here. Everything is fine. There’s even going to be a parade!

—

This column is sponsored by the group, formed in January 2016, Atheists Praying

—

These Week 17 NFL picks have made a New Year’s resolution to begin sniffing glue again.

Trying to process everything that went wrong in 2017 has my brain moving as slow as a three-year old $700 iPhone – it is essentially useless.

For instance, my favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, play every game as if there is a law against winning them winning. And as a fan, I also assume that law exists.

But in fairness, some things actually went better than expected. The President of the United States did not start World War III, and he did not start a new civil war. Both were totally unexpected.

But mostly, this year stunk as bad as every one of my predictions that the Cleveland Browns would win, which they never did.

The never-ending wars did not end, every human I know is living through a 7-inch screen, and the intentions of our President are as pure as the contents of Steve Bannon’s liver. And then there is the Cleveland Browns decision to keep coach Hue Jackson, who has pulled off a record of 1-30 in his Browns coaching career so far. The factory of sadness is now a nuclear power plant.

America has been made great again by doing a great redistribution of wealth from the poor back to the rich, where the money obviously belongs. The President continues to threaten North Korea like he is a bully in a schoolyard, while the Browns have blown up their front office after vowing they would not blow it up.

The truth is flexible, but losing is not. And so here I again predicting that the Cleveland Browns will win, this week against the junior varsity for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a blind squirrel. I expect to find an acorn this week.

But I have a full container of glue ready, next to a keg of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Lucky Strikes, a Bible, a Pentagram and my cell phone where I am staring in fear into a 7-inch screen, fearing the next Tweet and wondering now Whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Browns 16, Steelers 0

PACKERS AT LIONS – Lions 24, Packers 16

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Giants 27, Redskins 24

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Cowboys 20, Eagles 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 42, Jets 22

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 30, Bears 20

TEXANS AT COLTS – Colts 23, Texans 13

49ers AT RAMS – 49ers 23, Rams 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Chargers 32, Raiders 18

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 20, Cardinals 10

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Chiefs 31, Broncos 10

PANTHERS AT FALCONS – Falcons 24, Panthers 20

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Ravens 29, Bengals 20

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – Bills 22, Dolphins 20

SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – Saints 30, Buccaneers 24

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Titans 14, Jaguars 12

—

This column is sponsored by An Old Acquaintance You’d Like To Forget

(If anyone actually reads this column, apologies for missing last week. December is a tough time of year.)

—

These week 15 NFL Picks love the new system for the NFL draft, in which the Super Bowl champion is rewarded with the first pick in the NFL draft.

It will create incentive for loser teams like the Cleveland Browns to win. It will trickle down, like just wealthy pee on their poor heads. It is a Donald Trump fantasy, and it is real.

And while every American, whether they want to be or not, is part of the President’s fantasy life come true, there is nothing quite like being a loser in his world.

On the other hand, he can be so outrageous and entertaining on Twitter that it’s worth it and, well, as he said, the Browns deserve this. Browns fans deserve this. I deserve this. My team hasn’t won Lyndon Johnson was in the White House.

Everything continues according a decades-long plan that feels like it was dreamt up by a James Bond villain with an eyepatch and one arm who lives on an island with the monkey he has trained to pick quarterbacks for the Cleveland Browns. It is the same monkey that wrote the tax reform and the last few GOP health care bills.

As a loser, I know this is both logical and fair. So just after I say, thank you, I’ll meekly ask, now whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT COLTS – Broncos19, Colts 17

BEARS AT LIONS – Lions 31, Bears 23

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Chiefs 26, Chargers 24

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Bills 31, Dolphins 10

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Eagles 22, Giants 6

CARDINALS AT REDSKINS – Redskins 24, Cardinals 20

BENGALS AT VIKINGS – Vikings 23, Bengals 20

JETS AT SAINTS – Saints 42, Jets 0

PACKERS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 27, Packers 20

RAVENS AT BROWNS – Browns 1,995, Ravens 1,984

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 30, Texans 10

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Rams 27, Seahawks 26

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Steelers 25, Patriots 20

TITANS AT 49ers – 49ers 23, Titans 20

COWBOYS AT RAIDERS – Cowboys 24, Raiders 21

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Falcons 29. Buccaneers 17

This column is sponsored by Discount Office Party Mistletoe.

—

These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn’t it?

Well, I’ve got news for you and your joy.

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn’t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.

It’s beyond a losing streak. It’s a loser streak. There’s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That’s how it works if you are him, and only him.

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?

It’s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.

I’ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen.

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 38, Redskins 14

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – Vikings 30, Falcons 24

CHIEFS AT JETS – Jets 23, Chiefs 17

TEXANS AT TITANS – Titans 25, Texans 10

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 27, Colts 17

BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS – Broncos 19, Dolphins 17

LIONS AT RAVENS – Lions 23, Ravens 20

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – Patriots 32, Bills 20

49ers at BEARS – 49ers 27, Bears 13

BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – Packers 23, Buccaneers 21

BROWNS AT CHARGERS – Browns 420, Chargers 12

GIANTS AT RAIDERS – Raiders 47, Giants 6

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Rams 24, Cardinals 20

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Saints 26, Panthers 22

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – Eagles 29, Seahawks 28

STEELERS AT BENGALS – Bengals 20, Steelers 17

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This column is sponsored by the royal divorce.