Well, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer
The future’s uncertain and the end is always near
– The Doors
KABUL – Hamid Karzai here with my week 9 NFL picks. For a variety of reasons, I’d also like to talk about a quagmire.
When my opponent for president of Afghanistan dropped out and I ran unopposed, it reminded me of watching any team play against the the Cleveland Browns. It’s easy to win without an opponent. So this week the Browns have a bye, which means they technically don’t have an opponent, but my brother, who has connections, tells me the bye will win. He said the bye will also beat the Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams, and Buffalo Bills.
Did I mention I am worried about a quagmire? Don’t misunderstand. Afghanistan is not like Vietnam. Afghanistan is more like the Cleveland Browns. No one ever wins here. Alexander the Great, the British, and the Russians couldn’t win here in Afghanistan. Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, and Romeo Crennel couldn’t win in Cleveland. Do you see the similarity?
But I can’t dwell on the past for a variety of reasons. So even though the generals have asked for an additional eight games, I suggest the Browns just withdraw now. If they don’t, I am afraid to tell you whatzgonnahappen.
REDSKINS AT FALCONS – Daniel Snyder feels terrible. He’s disappointed. “We’ve let everyone down… It hurts…. We’ve blown some games,” he said. So that helps, huh? Falcons 26, Redskins 14
DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – A year ago, the Dolphins introduced the wildcat offense to the NFL via Bill Belichick’s defense. This year, the defense knows about it. Patriots 27, Dolphins 20
BYE AT BROWNS – For a variety of reasons the Browns stink. For a variety of reasons, Eric Mangini can’t seem to explain anything. For a variety of reasons – OK, one fat arrogant reason – I hate football.
CHIEFS AT JAGUARS – Pathetic at Mediocre. Jaguars 21, Chiefs 13
TEXANS AT COLTS – Matt Schaub is having a very good year. But Peyton Manning is also having a very good year, and Peyton’s good trumps Matt’s good. Colts 32, Texans 18
BYE AT BILLS – Dick Jauron hopes the real estate or insurance industry is hiring.
RAVENS AT BENGALS – This is my first bandwagon jump of the year. In fairness, the Colts and Saints bandwagons are all filled up. So I am hopping aboard the Bengals bandwagon after it runs over Ray Lewis. That way I can claim to have merely watched the crime happen. Bengals 30, Ravens 21.
PACKERS AT BUCCANEERS – Rookie quarterbacks who have the best chance to succeed join teams that are already made. Josh Freeman joined the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Packers 35, Buccaneers 14
BYE AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre retires.
CARDINALS AT BEARS – Both Kurt Warner and Jay Cutler have 11 touchdowns and 11 interceptions. After the game, it will be 13 and 13 respectively. Bears 20, Cardinals 17
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – The slaughter rule should come into play. Saints 51, Panthers 20
BYE AT JETS – Braylon Edwards drops something.
LIONS AT SEAHAWKS – Matt Hasselbeck and T.J. Houshmanzadeh will not have to share recipes on the sideline this week. That’s what they were doing last week, right? Seahawks 24, Lions 10
TITANS AT 49ERS – Two busts trying to resurrect their careers walk into a bar and then I can never remember the punchline. Titans 22, 49ers 21
BYE AT RAIDERS – I’d say something bad about Tom Cable, but I am afraid he’d beat me up.
CHARGERS AT GIANTS – I think that Philip Rivers is better than Eli Manning, except for the fact that Norv Turner is his coach. Giants 24, Chargers 21
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – Miles Austin of the Cowboys is messing with me because I feel certain about the Eagles winning except for him. Eagles 27, Cowboys 20
BYE AT RAMS – In the first quarter, the Rams are winning but they eventually lose. This isn’t like playing the Lions.
STEELERS AT BRONCOS – Did you hear that a train going 100 miles an hour went off the tracks in Denver? Steelers 28, Broncos 3
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This column is sponsored by how much I hate the New York Yankees.