Silence is the enemy, Against your urgency
So rally up the demons of your soul
– Green Day –
These 2009 NFL predictions are my ANGRY GUY call to stop Obama’s evil plot to ruin America. I won’t let Obama ruin America this NFL season like he did last year when he let the Pittsburgh Steelers become champions.
Obama’s communist plan for the 2009 NFL season proves he doesn’t care about health care for my grandma, who is a Cleveland Browns fan and currently deceased. Instead he made Dan Rooney, the owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, into an ambassador and now he wants to give health care to Green Bay Packers fans. Imagine, all those cheeseheads! How do you cure that?
Look at me! Don’t you ignore me, you bastard, you son of a bitch, you Lions fan. That’s right, I called you a Lions fan. What are you gonna do about it? Do you think it’s funny? So now I’m a funny guy, huh?
No, I will not show you any manners! What do you think, this is grade school? You ruined everything! You turned my team into one of the laughing stocks of the league, our coach is more secretive than Dick Cheney, our quote-unquote star player is a knucklehead with bad hands, and you want me to show some manners?
I’ll show you something better. I’ll show you that I won’t let Obama ruin America because we the people who cheer control whatzgonnahappen.
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AFC
EAST
PATRIOTS – It’s tough to find a weakness other than one fragile globe-trotting knee often seen next to a supermodel. The defensive front is loaded, Randy Moss will be otherworldly, and a Canton, Ohio sculptor is drawing up plans for a bronze hoodie. 12-4
DOLPHINS – Joey Porter, who had a dog that once ate a horse, and Jason Taylor, who appeared on Dancing with the Stars, will tackle opposing quarterbacks from two ends of the spectrum. 10-6
BILLS – Trent Edwards received sympathy cards from Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia. By game 6, the T.O. Show features a Trent Edwards dartboard and a T.O. board game called Diminishing Skills. 7-9
JETS – Mark Sanchez will have a successful season on the covers of Vogue and Vanity Fair, but most Jets fans don’t read those magazines. If they want happy news, they should start to. 2-14
NORTH
BROWNS – Lebron and Shaq play for the Browns. Eric Mangini’s other players hate him more after each win, adding to lots of hate. Jerome Harrison scores touchdowns. Shaun Rodgers singlehandedly wins both Steelers games. 16-0
STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger’s career features a huge off-season distraction every other year meaning in two years he could be implicated in almost any stupid thing, so I pick puppy slavery. 10-6
BENGALS – To show he’s serious about discipline this year, Marvin Lewis moves the keg two feet away from the stripper pole. 9-7
RAVENS – Rex Ryan is gone, Bart Scott is gone and Ray Lewis gets help sleeping from Michael Jackson’s doctor. Plus Joe Flacco is a sophomore looking for a slump. 4-12
SOUTH
COLTS – Jim Caldwell is a smart rookie head coach to choose Peyton Manning as his quarterback. Caldwell will win one championship and this could be the year. 14-2
TITANS – Vince Young says he’s going to the Hall of Fame when he retires. I wonder if he’ll buy his ticket online or at the door. 10-6
TEXANS – Mario Williams will be defensive player of the year but brittle Matt Schaub will finish the season watching his backup, Rex Grossman, do a tease-and-torture job on a new set of fans. 8-8
JAGUARS – David Garrard holds a meet and greet with his receivers but after meeting Terry Holt, he doesn’t like who has has to greet. 6-10
WEST
BRONCOS – It’s not that Josh McDaniels doesn’t like his own dog, but if Bill Belichick ever decides to trade his loyal backup dog, McDaniels pooch will be in a Chicago shelter in no time. 10-6
CHARGERS – As LaDanian Tomlinson fades to average, Philip Rivers value becomes as obvious as the subject of a Shawne Merriman and Manny Ramirez hypothetical conversation. 9-7
RAIDERS – Al Davis spends halftime of every game deciding not to fire Tom Cable but late in the season he loses the argument with himself. 7-8
CHIEFS – Matt Cassell likes handing off to Larry Johnson a lot more than he likes throwing to Dwayne Bowe. 4-12
NFC
EAST
EAGLES – Donovan McNabb has rookie weapons and now, with Michael Vick around, someone to siphon off his boos. 11-5
GIANTS – Eli Manning uses his big contract money to build an Eli Manning robot so he, the real Eli, can sit in the stands with his father and watch himself play. And you thought money can’t buy happiness. 10-6
REDSKINS – Albert Haynesworth is asked by President Obama to bail out the next company that goes belly up. But Haynesworth has enough on his plate trying to bail out the Redskins. 7-9
COWBOYS – Wade Philips is rejected by Mensa International, so he applies to clown school. Jerry Jones writes his recommendation. 5-11
NORTH
VIKINGS – Every Tuesday during the season, Brett Favre will issue a statement that he is considering coming out of retirement. Tarvaris Jackson lets Adrian Peterson issue the Sunday statements. 12-4
PACKERS – When Aaron Rodgers has his first injury, Brett Favre will put a floater out about coming back to Green Bay. 10-6
LIONS – Even though the Matthew Stafford was the number one draft pick, Brett Favre tells people he’d love to play for the Lions when they play the Packers. 6-10
BEARS – Brett Favre transplanted his brain into Jay Cutler’s empty head so that a brain scan shows a Fun-house mirror warped image of narcissistic self-reflection. 3-13
SOUTH
SAINTS – Reggie Bush has something in common with Gale Sayers after all – a bad knee. Sheesh, Archie Griffin was a better pro. 9-7
PANTHERS – Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith are older in that savvy veteran liable-to-be-injured way. 8-8
FALCONS – As Michael Turner’s carries are limited, so is Matt Ryan’s success. 7-9
BUCCANEERS – Luke McCown, Byron Leftwich and Josh Freeman walk into a bar and find Raheem Morris bitching to the bartender about his quarterback situation. 5-11
WEST
CARDINALS – Beanie Wells is All-Disabled-List, which is different than Larry Fitzgerald, who is All Pro. 10-6
SEAHAWKS – Matt Hasselbeck gets off on the wrong foot with new receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh by calling the whosyermamma play one time too many. 8-8
49ERS – Michael Crabtree holds out until week 12 and then spends his entire signing bonus on mirrors. 6-10
RAMS – The saddest show on turf. 2-14
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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
EAGLES OVER VIKINGS
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BROWNS OVER COLTS
SUPERBOWL
BROWNS OVER EAGLES
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This column is sponsored by Roger Goodell’s dog.