“They said there’ll be snow at Christmas; They said there’ll be peace on Earth
Hallelujah Noel be it Heaven or Hell; The Christmas you get you deserve”
– Emerson, Lake & Palmer
After Clarence the Angel saw me wearing a Cleveland Browns hat, he brought me rope and then he was gone and I heard a bell ring. There was a note: “Hurry, the Browns play the Steelers this week.”
There is war on Earth and the economy quivers while Charles Ponzi is the 2008 American businessperson of the year, plus the Browns play the Steelers this week. But it’s a wonderful life, isn’t it Clarence? Clarence?
The Browns haven’t scored an offensive touchdown since Ronald Reagan was president, and the Browns play the Steelers this week. Rudolph with your nose so bright, have you been drinking?
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Most Browns fans have become so pathetic that they are actually dreaming of hiring an ex-Steelers coach, and yet I can almost understand because the Browns play the Steelers this week. So anyway, up on the rooftop – is that a new coach?
The last time the Browns beat the Steelers was when Lyndon Johnson was president, and the Browns play the Steelers this week.
A low-intelligence lunatic could figure out that the Browns have no realistic chance when the team plays the Steelers this week. Luckily, I am less intelligent and crazier than that, so I believe that this will be a wonderful weekend for the Browns because it’s a wonderful life for a Browns fan. Clarence, please tell the people that’s whatzgonnahappen.
PATRIOTS AT BILLS – “Belichick” is the feel-odd holiday movie of the year – a football season written as a combination of “Hamlet” and “The Prince.” Shakespeare and Machiavelli, in the same fantasy football league, collaborated on this flick after the success of their last movie, “Favre.” Patriots 27, Bills 21
RAMS AT FALCONS – The interim for interim Rams coach Jim Haslett is almost over. And what an interim! Fans will talk about his interim for decades as in, “Hey, remember the Haslett interim? That was some interim.” Falcons 34, Rams 10
BROWNS AT STEELERS – Romeo Crennel starts Hermey the Misfit Elf at quarterback. Phil Savage, the escaped misfit elf that built the Browns roster, says Hermey throwing to Stallworth was his plan all along and blames Crennel for not being able to coach up all this talent. Browns 100, Steelers 0
A FESTIVUS QUOTE BETWEEN THE BROWNS AND LIONS GAME…
“The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people!”
– Frank Costanza
LIONS AT PACKERS – With 1-second to go and the ball on their own 1-yard line, the Lions give the ball to Kevin Smith who runs for 99-yards. Now that’s a Lambeau leap. Lions 7, Packers 6
BEARS AT TEXANS – I smell a shootout, or maybe that’s barbecued Bear. Or maybe Brian Urlacher simply misses his assignment this week on the coin toss. Texans 30, Bears 27
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees throws for 400 yards, not one or two more. Saints 28, Panthers 25
GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson delivers the first shot of the game, but then the Vikings offense acts like a Giants wide receiver with a gun in a nightclub. Giants 29, Vikings 7
CHIEFS AT BENGALS – NFL films is planning a special on the legendary Ryan Fitzpatrick/Tyler Thigpen aerial show. Bengals 31, Chiefs 30
DOLPHINS AT JETS – In the fourth quarter, Brett Favre barks out a play called by Eric Mangini. “Karma Oh Eight, Karma Oh Eight.” The ball is intercepted for a touchdown. That’s one accurate call. Dolphins 20, Jets 17
COWBOYS AT EAGLES – In the hometown of Rocky Balboa, this game is reminiscent of Ali versus Frazier – you know, Allie of “Kate & Allie” versus Frasier Crane. Eagles 23, Cowboys 14
JAGUARS AT RAVENS – While a flat screen TV falls out of the sleigh and lands on Ray Lewis, the screen itself shows that although Lewis suffers another fatal injury, he also leads his team in tackles. Ravens 23, Jaguars 10
TITANS AT COLTS – The Peyton weekly comeback show is finally stopped until the playoffs. It’s not cancelled. But you won’t see the ending you expect this week. Titans 17, Colts 14
RAIDERS AT BUCCANEERS – Al Davis and Jon Gruden go Christmas caroling together because they realize they share a goal of making the Raiders lose. Buccaneers 26, Raiders 13
REDSKINS AT 49ERS – Redskins coach Jim Zorn valiantly performs the lords-a-leaping part even though 49ers coach Mike Singletary backs off on his agreement to do the geese-a-laying thing. 49ers 20, Redskins 17
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – This is the wrong week to visit the Cardinals, who consume the Seahawks as if they were worms. Cardinals 42, Seahawks 10
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Philip Rivers’ game reminds me of Bernie Kosar. Chargers 30, Broncos 24
Finally, I’m dreaming of a Dolphins/Falcons Super Bowl.
This column is sponsored by the Coalition to Replace Coal with Wind in Bad Children’s Stockings.