Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
– Stealers Wheel
Let it be known that this document is the last will and week 7 NFL Picks of Moammar Khadafy. I, Colonel Khadafy, being of sound mind and body, will now predict the NFL Week 7 games. I don’t know how I got dragged into this, but I am going to take a shot.
Even though I am hiding in a sewer, I know that the Oakland Raiders traded way too much to get Carson Palmer from the Cincinnati Bengals. What was Al Davis thinking? Next time I see him, I am going to ask him.
This is a legal document. I declare the following to be true. Except for my mass murdering, I have never been as rude as Jim Harbaugh when he shakes hands. I do not have a sound mind or a sound body. I hear a sound. I may be going out with a bang, not a handshake. Under the circumstances, I am coming clean. I am in on the conspiracy. Since I became a dictator, the Cleveland Browns have never won the NFL championship.
Like all evil dictators, I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I am hiding in a sewer. My only possessions in this sewer are my Terrible Towel and a recent photograph of Bob Dylan. I am not worried. I am sure I can get out of here, and then I will go work for Mitt Romney. I heard he hires illegal immigrants. I’d be a very illegal immigrant, so that should make me very qualified.
But if I don’t escape, I bequeath my earthly possessions, including my pet lions and tigers and monkeys, to some guy in Ohio.
Don’t shoot. I’m about to declare whatzgonnahappen.
SEAHAWKS AT BROWNS – Montario Hardesty is a running back in the West Coast offense who cannot catch the ball. Colt McCoy is just like Drew Brees, except for his arm strength and accuracy. But the Seahawks are in town. Browns 24, Seahawks 21
REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – Round and round the Redskins quarterbacks go. Which one ends up with the job, not a Shanahan knows. In other words, John Beck is not the second coming of Joe Theismann, Doug Williams or Mark Rypien. He was Rex Grossman’s backup. Panthers 30, Redskins 17
BYE AT BILLS – The Buffalo Bills, eh? Next week, a home game in Toronto.
FALCONS AT LIONS – Mike Smith has a game plan for his post-game handshake with Jim Schwartz. Falcons 28, Lions 27
BRONCOS AT DOLPHINS – Tim Tebow should be on the Saints. Instead, he will beat a winless team trying to suck for Luck, and some folks who believe God influences the NFL will call him a saint. He could be like Bobby Douglass. Broncos 22, Dolphins 21
BYE AT BENGALS – Mike Brown, after trading Carson Palmer to a desperate Oakland Raiders team, puts down his dunce cap and walks to the Genius Room.
CHARGERS AT JETS – If Rex Ryan was president of the United States, China would be our 51st state by now. Chargers 30, Jets 20
BEARS AT BUCCANEERS AT LONDON – The British don’t deserve NFL football. What have they ever done for us? This game proves that Jay Cutler always plays great in London. Bears 36, Buccaneers 24
BYE AT GIANTS – Ahmad Bradshaw scores two more touchdowns and still no one notices.
TEXANS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson runs like he is worth big money. This week. Titans 23, Texans 20
STEELERS AT CARDINALS – In a week when Khadafy is killed, Kevin Kolb will play great against the Steelers. Cardinals 20, Steelers 10.
BYE AT EAGLES – Eagles trainers are treated for concussions.
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Carson Palmer is very good from the start. Raiders 31, Chiefs 13
RAMS AT COWBOYS – AJ Feeley wears a number that looks like a target. Cowboys 28, Rams 10
BYE AT 49ERS – Jim Harbaugh orders food at a restaurant, and it becomes a scene.
BYE AT PATRIOTS – John Lackey of the Red Sox stops stops by with some fried chicken and beer. Belichick makes him run laps.
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Ponder this. The Packers are the best team in football and the Donovan McNabb era is over. The Donovan McNabb era? Packers 34, Vikings 23
COLTS AT SAINTS – Saints coach Sean Payton will calls plays from the coach’s box, making it hard for him to throw the red challenge flag. Luckily he won’t need it. Drew Brees is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. Curtis Painter is good enough to get lucky. Saints 29, Colts 21
RAVENS AT JAGUARS – Ray Lewis disappears into a corn maze and is never seen again. Before that, he is in the Jaguars backfield and seen quite often. Ravens 27, Jaguars 12
This column is sponsored by two most important jobs of the President – peace and prosperity.