Man at the top says it’s lonely up there
If it is man, I don’t care
From the big white house to the parking lot
Everybody wants to be the man at the top
– Bruce Springsteen
MARK McGWIRE: These 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL picks are clean, unlike the 1998 Super Bowl when Sammy Sosa and I combined to predict the Denver Broncos would upset the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. I did one more shot of andro that year than Sammy, so I was able to also see that Terrell Davis would be named the Super Bowl MVP.
Those were the days… I mean, I am sorry.
If you have been reading the political book, “Game Change” you have seen various rumors about Elizabeth Edwards and Bill Clinton injecting me in the buttocks during the 2008 presidential campaign. Those rumors are false, and so is whatever Jose Canseco has to say. Just because all of them have seen my buttocks is no reason for them to spread lies.
Mostly, I did steroids because I hated Roger Maris and Jimmy the Greek. But I digress.
Do I think my steroid use helped me to become fantastically successful in predicting football games in the past? No, I am a natural.
It is mere coincidence that I was known as the best predictor in the world until NBA referee Tim Donaghy took away my throne. It also coincidence that my best years of predicting were during the time the Cleveland Browns didn’t exist because of a buttface, Art Modell, and most of you were aghast that Bill Clinton exposed his buttocks and more.
Plus don’t forget the better I predicted, the more you loved me. Sammy Sosa and I essentially saved NFL prognosticating after 1994 when the Union Of Pompous Prognosticators went on strike. It was Sammy and I and our historic success – medically induced or not – that saved the American past time of predicting NFL games. That’s what happened. Here’s whatzgonnahappen.
CARDINALS AT SAINTS – As NASA continues work on ensuring the scoreboard speed can keep up with the score, the Cardinals defense tries to refine the only play it knows – the game-winning facemask fumble-causing move. The offenses each score faster than Warren Beatty in his prime, while each defense sips daiquiris between plays and has deep philosophical discussions on the merits of tackling. On the last play of the game, Michael Adams grabs Drew Brees by the facemask and flings him to Bourbon Street. This causes a fumble and then Karlos Dansby runs it in for a touchdown. Works every time. Cardinals 49, Saints 42
RAVENS AT COLTS – Ray Lewis is distraught after Hannah Montana unfriends him on Facebook. He manages to focus his rage in the first quarter and the Ravens begin the game looking like a team that could win. But looks are deceiving and in the second half when Ray discovers that only one of the Jonas Brothers has not unfriended him, he fills a bucket with his own tears and then drowns himself. If you pay close attention to the game, you will notice that is just about the time that Peyton Manning starts throwing touchdowns. Coincidence? Well, Peyton and Hannah Montana are still friends, so what does that tell you. Colts 27, Ravens 17
COWBOYS AT VIKINGS – The symptoms for Jerry Jones will begin in the second quarter. First there will be tremors and then the wax in his face will start to melt. The diagnosis is traumatic Percy Harvinitis and the proposed cure is human sacrifice – specifically Wade Phillips. Vikings 24, Cowboys 21
JETS AT CHARGERS – I read somewhere that the golfer John Daly has lost a lot of weight but I actually think he’s gotten fatter since he started coaching the Jets. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers reminds of a pre-bankruptcy Bernie Kosar. The only thing you can truly count on with the Jets is that if the ball hits Braylon Edwards in the hands, it will fall to the ground. Chargers 40, Jets 20
BYE AT BROWNS – Eric Mangini has three new bosses and counting. Of course he’s thrilled.
This column is sponsored by The Sarah Palin Variety Hour, featuring ventriloquists, on Fox.
So, as I was saying…
This NFL season is winding down which means it is time for the very first season of the new two-minute sitcom “I LOVE THIS STORE.” It is the story of a man who can only buy a newspaper at this store even though he wants to buy other stuff.
Yes, I found the most fun tool the Internet has to offer. Check out Episode 2 – “I want to buy and buy and buy!”
For Episode 1, see Freecheezeburgerz.com
Episode 3 is coming soon…..
I LOVE THIS STORE – Episode 2
“I want to buy and buy and buy!”