Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna die
– Country Joe & The Fish
These righteous NFL Conference Championship Picks, hiding from American carnage, would like to point out that for far too long the establishment of good NFL football teams has protected only itself, not the Cleveland Browns.
Today’s ceremony has very special meaning. While we are here to celebrate the peaceful transfer of power through the violence and pageantry of two conference championship football games, the real transfer of power begins today, right now, back to the Cleveland Browns, who were great in the 1950s. Because of you, we are going to make the Cleveland Browns great again.
While others teams flourished by playing good football, Browns jerseys of quarterbacks who arrived with great hope and failed in many unique balls of flame, are scattered like tombstones in closets from Parma to Lyndhurst, the salary cap is flush with cash but the the roster is deprived of talent, and drugs have stolen a quarterback and wide receiver of their unrealized potential.
This Cleveland Browns carnage stops right here and right now.
While the Green Bay Packers are playing the Atlanta Falcons, it’s important to remember we all love green money. I love green money. I am a green money lover.
I also love Tom Brady and Belichick, who told me to work harder than anyone who doesn’t know how to cheat. Plus, we all have the same goal, to eradicate the Pittsburgh Steelers from the face of the winning column.
So to every single NFL fan out there, whether you root for the Cleveland Browns, or if you are a fan of the Browns or even if the Browns are your favorite NFL team, you will never be ignored again. We are all one saluting the same glorious NFL team, and no other. That’s my idea of freedom.
Your voice, your hopes and your dreams have made this moment possible. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Together, we will make the Cleveland Browns great again. From this day forward, it’s going to only be the Cleveland Browns first.
We will bring back our wins. We will bring back our bragging. We will bring back our obnoxiousness. Every decision on trade, draft and free agents will be made to benefit the number of wins for the Cleveland Browns. We will follow two simple rules: Win games, and Don’t lose games.
As a bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Cleveland Browns. When you discover loyalty to the Cleveland Browns, you will discover empathy for the less fortunate. But when the Browns start winning, you will never have to feel empathy again. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
PACKERS AT FALCONS – After the Packers plane lands in Atlanta, Aaron Rodgers is unpacked and re-assembled. New parts, such as updated microprocessors, are added as needed. Matt Ryan just throws the ball to Julio Jones. Aaron Rodgers is fitted with lasers, and a 360-degree slow motion view of real time is implanted in his eyes. Matt Ryan plans to throw the ball some more to Julio Jones. It goes like this all game as Rodgers continues to do superhuman things and Ryan continues to do the smart thing by throwing to Jones. A missed extra point decides it. Packers 42, Falcons 41
STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – Instead of the play calls in his helmet, Ben Roethlisberger hears a continual loop of Donald Trump saying “Tom Brady and Belichick”. But Roethlisberger comes out hot, torching every player not named Malcolm Butler. Until halftime. That’s when President Trump issues an executive order that repeals and replaces Brady’s four-game suspension from deflategate. The Patriots are allowed to use four games worth of offense in the second half. When Roethlisberger gets mad, Belichick points to a VHS tape labeled “Ben & Girls.” When Mike Tomlin calls Belichick an asshole, Belichick says, “Thank you.” Trump tweets: “I learned that from him.” Patriots 40, Steelers 27
This column is sponsored by the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library & Public Restroom.