Let’s give them something to talk about
A little mystery to figure out
– Bonnie Raitt
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Barack Obama: I’m worried fellas. In week 3 of the NFL, the New Orleans Saints are likely to use the bomb again.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, bombers who think they are saints worry me too.
Obama: Those guys are Saints.
Mahmoud Abbas: I agree with Benjamin. I also worry about bombs. But I thought we were gathered here to talk about the dispossessed – those least fortunate who need our help.
Obama: Oh, you mean the Cleveland Browns. You’re right, we should probably work on the poverty issue. But did you realize the Green Bay Packers play against the St. Louis Rams this week? Do you think that’s fair?
Netanyahu: Life isn’t fair, my friend. But I think the truly complicated issue is the Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens game. It’s basically new Browns/old Browns. It’s complicated. It’s personal. And for fans in both cities this feeling of exile goes back generations. Someone even told me that Mayflower Moving Vans and the city of Indianapolis somehow figures into it all.
Abbas: I’ve heard that Art Modell is known as “The Evil One.”
Obama: That’s not true in Baltimore. In Baltimore, The Evil One is Bob Irsay.
Netanyahu: Hearsay?
Abbas: I hear say that we should have peace every Sunday in the Middle East so we can watch the NFL without all that war racket going on. I want to watch my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns.
Netanyahu: Now that you mention it, Mahmoud, I love the love the Cleveland Browns too. How about peace all week long as well so I have time to wash my Leroy Kelly jersey.
Abbas: That’s a great idea! That way I can wash my Bernie Kosar jersey. You know, I believe the Cleveland Browns have just brought about peace between Israel and Palestine. By the way, I am glad Brady Quinn is the starting quarterback.
Netanyahu: You’re kidding, right? I want Derek Anderson to be the quarterback.
Obama: Uh oh. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
PACKERS AT RAMS – There is an advertisement on Craigslist in St. Louis looking for someone who can count higher than 7. Packers 38, Rams 6
REDSKINS AT LIONS – In a tweet, Redskins rookie linebacker Robert Henson called the fans dimwits and then dismissed them as McDonald’s employees. He’s an inactive sixth round draft pick. What a twittering dimwit! And yes, Robert, in two years I’d like fries with that. Meanwhile, Lions win. I have no idea why. Maybe I’m a dimwit too. Lions 23, Redskins 13
TITANS AT JETS – Rex Ryan has over-bloviated his Jets to an emotional letdown that is almost saved by Thomas Jones. Titans 20, Jets 17
FALCONS AT PATRIOTS – Every time Tom Brady gets hit, Bill Belichick loses genius points. There’s too much missing from the Patriots defense because young quarterbacks used to get eaten alive by Belichick defenses. Falcons 24, Patriots 21
CHIEFS AT EAGLES – Matt Cassell asks Scott Pioli if he can trade for Randy Moss and Wes Welker. Eagles 28, Chiefs 17
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Eric Mangini again refuses to name his starting quarterback and Brady Quinn again refuses to play much quarterback so the coach cites the ongoing “strategic advantage.” Meanwhile, Ray Lewis runs with scissors over a field full of banana peels. Just as the Browns win, theologians discover that hell has frozen over. Browns 12, Ravens 10
49ERS AT VIKINGS – Vikings fans, after the fourth interception, get their first chance to boo Brett Favre in the hometown colors. 49ers 20, Packers 15
GIANTS AT BUCCANEERS – Eli Manning receives a text message asking for a cake with a file in it. He tells others that Plaxico says “I miss the team.” Stay tuned for the next episode of Jailbreak. Giants 35, Buccaneers 10
JAGUARS AT TEXANS – The newest position on the Jaguars defense is maître d’. Texans 28, Jaguars 17.
BEARS AT SEAHAWKS – Welcome to the grand illusion of cutlery. Bears 31, Seahawks 14
SAINTS AT BILLS – If you want to be the Saints radio announcer, you are tested on how fast you can say “Touchdown.” Saints 41, Bills 23
BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – This week Jamarcus Russell improves to 8 for 24, 110 yards. Those really would be improved stats from last week. Raiders 18, Broncos 17
STEELERS AT BENGALS – The Cincinnati Bengals are going to be the talk of the NFL this week, and surprisingly not because of a gun, a stripper, or vomit. Bengals 21, Steelers 17
DOLPHINS AT CHARGERS – The Dolphins will control the ball and the game clock but lose to a great quarterback. Repeat often. Chargers 25, Dolphins 19
COLTS AT CARDINALS – Before the game, Kurt Warner and Peyton Manning discuss what each plans to have for dinner when they are inducted into the Hall of Fame. No poultry for you, says Warner. Cardinals 31, Colts 28
PANTHERS AT COWBOYS – Jerry Jones puts a wax figure of himself in every other seat in the new stadium. If you can guess which is the real Jerry Jones, you win the giant scoreboard. Cowboys 29, Panthers 20
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This column is sponsored by Michael Crabtree’s lost paychecks.