You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away, and know when to run
– Kenny Rogers
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Oprah Winfrey here to tell you that prayer and careful thought went into these week 11 NFL picks. Oh yeah, I am quitting my show but not until I sell some more books. In fact, if a bookie showed you these week 11 NFL picks, you’d throw the book at him. You’d throw Sarah Palin’s book at him. You’d throw Andre Agassi’s book at him.
But if Bill Belichick read these picks on fourth down against Peyton Manning, he’d go against the book unless you’d really studied the book and then you’d say he guessed right even though he was obviously dead wrong. The “book” has hidden meanings.
The Word Factory has been busy lately. Have you noticed? One of the workers on the factory floor said he actually saw Sarah Palin type in the word “I” 58 times before leaving behind a staff and a dictionary to finish her book. Andre, by contrast, typed the word “me” a lot before he left. So you can see why I am so inspired to promote literacy. You can also see why I am inspired to finally quit doing this crap.
As an homage to my audience, though, I’d like to offer a final gift. You get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! Everybody gets an NFL Pick! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
DOLPHINS AT PANTHERS – Ricky Williams runs for 119 yards and three touchdowns proving that predicting football games is easy with the proven power of Hindsight, only $19.99 a bottle. You have to wait for it to work. Dolphins 24, Panthers 17
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – This is a traditional “trap game” filled with injuries, a division rival and even a young quarterback who doesn’t yet know any better. Buccaneers 24, Saints 21
FALCONS AT GIANTS – Where’s that damn on/off switch? Oh, there it is. Giants 38, Falcons 16
SEAHAWKS AT VIKINGS – Last year about this time, Brett Favre started throwing interceptions, so that could happen again. Otherwise, the Seahawks are showing signs of getting better, but not better than the Vikings. Vikings 28, Seahawks 18
STEELERS AT CHIEFS – The Kansas City steakhouse, also known as the Chiefs defense, is open for business. That’s some easy-to-slice red meat. Steelers 41, Chiefs 13
BILLS AT JAGUARS – The name “Perry Fewell” will win you a beer on trivia night in five years. Jaguars 23, Bills 14
49ERS AT PACKERS – In this year of non-parity, these two teams are actually sort of, well, average. Packers 24, 49ers 16
BROWNS AT LIONS – I love high school football games. Meanwhile, Brady Quinn is Charlie Frye with a pretty face, but the Browns win because… Okay, I’ve got another reason too. How about… Browns 5, Lions 4
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – It’s any given Sunday and this is Redskins/Cowboys. Redskins 28, Cowboys 21
COLTS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis makes toast while taking a bath, and then there is a classic toaster-in-the-bathtub accident. Peyton Manning is fun to watch in the second half. Colts 24, Ravens 21
CARDINALS AT RAMS – Turf, do you remember Kurt Warner? Good, we expect a great show. Cardinals 39, Rams 10
BENGALS AT RAIDERS – At halftime in a steel cage, Larry Johnson will fight Tom Cable. Bengals 20, Raiders 12
JETS AT PATRIOTS – Winning by 50, on fourth and 10 from his own 1-yard line, Bill Belichick instructs Tom Brady to throw a go-route to Randy Moss. He goes until he is gone, just like the memory of last week. Patriots 57, Jets 0
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – It’s downhill ski season in Denver. Chargers 29, Broncos 6
EAGLES AT BEARS – The consistently inconsistent Jay Cutler is due for a good game. It’s maddening. Bears 24, Eagles 18
TITANS AT TEXANS – Bud Adams is number 1! Look, he’s doing it with his other hand. Bud Adams is number 1! Titans 28, Texans 20
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This column is sponsored by fair-and-balanced Fox News crowd shots.