“Life’s the same except for my shoes”
– The Cars
Did you see the press conference when I stood up and threw a shoe at Browns coach Romeo Crennel? He dodged it as if he’s been dodging thrown shoes his whole life. No big deal.
The truth is, I am a Romeo supporter. I was aiming at Browns GM Phil Savage. That’s why I am a Romeo supporter. Phil drafted me as a quarterback, but Romeo was smart enough not to play me. Instead, he put me in charge of asking the difficult questions.
As soon as I was finished in Cleveland, I shuffled off to Buffalo, where I heaved some snow boots at Bills coach Dick Jauron and then I flew out to Oakland to join the mob throwing shoes at Al Davis.
The next thing I knew, I was so popular that I had my own shoe deal.
See FREECHEEZEBURGERZ.COM FOR Scott Boras Will Get You A Multi-Year Deal!
See my column on theobr.com FOR Complaints About The Cleveland Browns Bandwagon
The problem, of course, is that no one can afford shoes anymore.
Many have resorted to throwing toenail clippings but I say that this is not the kind of country that I want to live in – where patriotic shoe throwing has been somehow transformed into icky toenail tossing.
Every press conference I go to these days, I try to ask questions. But it is difficult with so many out-of-work newspaper reporters loudly clipping their toenails in the hope of being called on to ask a question.
Still, I go because I am just like Tom Joad. I’ll be around in the dark; I’ll be everywhere, waiting with shoes and questions. Wherever there’s a team stinking, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. Wherever a coach has a team going backwards, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. I’ll be there in a way that’s stops a wide receiver from dropping another damn football – yes, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. If a referee can’t see or read the rules, I’ll be there with shoes and questions. Wherever there’s failure and anger, I’ll be there. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Peyton is having a playground season because just like a playground game, the Colts spot the Jaguars 14 until the fourth when Peyton tosses four touchdowns. Colts 28, Jaguars 14
RAVENS AT COWBOYS – Ray Lewis overdoses on some bad vitriol that he got from Terrell Owens. Meanwhile the Cowboys are spent after last week plus if they are not, Wade Philips will de-motivate them as only he can. Ravens 21, Cowboys 13
DOLPHINS AT CHIEFS – Chad Pennington, who went to the playoffs with Herm Edwards as his coach, decides to play his worst game as a Dolphin. It’s Christmas season. Chiefs 20, Dolphins 17
BENGALS AT BROWNS – During pre-game warm-ups, Romeo Crennel and Marvin Lewis discuss how next fall will be a perfect time for their two families to take an extended vacation together – anywhere but Ohio. The Browns rely on the offensive strategy of four Brandon McDonald interceptions for touchdowns. That, and magic. Browns 28, Bengals 21
49ERS AT RAMS – Jim Haslett’s squad is winning until the fourth quarter because of Stephen Jackson. Then Coach Haslett doesn’t give the ball to Jackson anymore. 49ers 24, Rams 17
SAINTS AT LIONS – If the United Nations had any guts, it would be involved in the Lions season by now. Saints 50, Lions 20
CARDINALS AT PATRIOTS – It’s late December. Those are the Cardinals and that guy over there is Bill Belichick. Patriots 30, Cardinals 17
STEELERS AT TITANS – Jeff Fischer’s team is not about to melt, not now. In the playoffs, sure – but not now. Titans 20, Steelers 17
CHARGERS AT BUCCANEERS – Philip Rivers will have his best years torpedoed by Norv Turner, while Jon Gruden proves to be the anti-Norv. Buccaneers 24, Chargers 21
BILLS AT BRONCOS – It’s the fourth quarter when Bills Coach Dick Jauron decides what to give Broncos Coach Mike Shanahan for Christmas. Then he gives another one. Other coaches love this guy! Broncos 34, Bills 20
TEXANS AT RAIDERS – JaMarcus Russell Fumbles is a great band name. Texans 27, Raiders 20
JETS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are the best 3-11 team in the league and the Jets are about to find out how overrated the Jets are. Seahawks 28, Jets 24
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – While Brian Westbrook is scoring three touchdowns, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is practicing his well-practiced Donald Trump “You’re fired!” routine for soon-to-be-unemployed Jim Zorn. Eagles 31, Redskins 19
FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Tarvaris Jackson outplays Matt Ryan, and Adrian Peterson outplays everybody. Vikings 24, Falcons 20
PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Last year in late December the Giants rode a close loss to the Patriots all the way to the Super Bowl. That’s probably the most hopeful way for a Giants fan to look at this game. Panthers 18, Giants 14
PACKERS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton carves up the Packers better than a cheese knife through cheese. Bears 31, Packers 13
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