The Mayans’ week 17 NFL picks, at the cusp of the year 2012, signal the end of the world. Or maybe the end of the NFL season. As if there is a difference.

As a Browns fan, the end of the season usually happens at the beginning of the season. It would be tough for me to know if the world ended or not, since my head has been buried under the sand for weeks. I always thought the world officially ends on the day you die, but decades of cheering for the Cleveland Browns has led me to believe that perhaps hell is right here on Earth. The Mayans make me angry.

It has all gone just as the Mayans predicted.

Newly uncovered evidence suggests that the Mayans have, in fact, predicted every NFL game in history correctly. These are the last of the Mayan NFL predictions on account of that end-of-the-world thing, Predicting next season would be useless, wrote the Mayans.

The Mayans were Cleveland Browns fans, of course, which means they hated and still hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they couldn’t help the future they saw – including scary things like how Iowa will make us all think it’s a Rick Santorum world, and we just live in it.

While Tebow versus Orton took up a significant amount of stone-carved text, in the end the Mayans were split on Tebow. Otherwise, the Mayans clearly predicted this is whatzgonnahappen.

LIONS AT PACKERS – The Lions need the game and the Packers most likely give Aaron Rodgers a lot of rest, but this game will still be fun and somehow mean something. Packers 29, Lions 27

TITANS AT TEXANS – The Oilers had more character than both of these teams combined. I hated the Oilers. Texans 23, Titans 17

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Colt droppings versus Jaguar droppings. The game smells. Jaguars 10, Colts 9

JETS AT DOLPHINS – Matt Moore is better than Mark Sanchez at this moment in time. The Dolphins karma is on the upswing. The Jets? Rex Ryan talks, karma listens. Dolphins 20, Jets 14

BEARS AT VIKINGS – I don’t care versus me neither. Some rivalry. Bears 21, Vikings 20

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Bills wonder what happened to the good Bills team from earlier in the season. The Patriots are full speed ahead in the first half. Patriots 31, Bills 20

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Happy new year! Look, fireworks on the scoreboard! Saints 39, Panthers 30

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – I am going to miss the dream team. This is their best game. Eagles 33, Redskins 23

49ers AT RAMS – The Rams cannot do much against the 49ers defense and each team has the persona of their coach. In the Rams case, it is of Steve Spagnulo walking a plank. 49Ers 29, Rams 13

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Raheem Morris is in line with Steve Spagnulo. The Falcons need a win going into the playoffs. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 15

RAVENS AT BENGALS – The soulless Ravens against the dumb Bengals and it actually means something to both teams. Is this an alternate universe? The New Year’s ball in Manhattan rolls to and then over Ray Lewis. Freak accident. Bengals 29, Ravens 27

STEELERS AT BROWNS – First play from scrimmage: the Browns throw a successful bomb. Yes, this is fantasy and the evil Steelers are too intimidated by the Browns to even agree to go to the playoffs. Yes, it’s hard to believe the Browns would throw a bomb. Browns 9, Steelers 6

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – John Skelton has a great NFL name, so I have to root for him in a game in which two mediocre teams are suddenly play okay or even alright. Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – The Chiefs will be more inspired by Romeo Crennell and Kyle Orton’s accurate passes than the Broncos will be by Tim Tebow running around hoping for something good to happen. Chiefs 20, Broncos 17

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – With the Broncos losing, Carson Palmer throws a game-winning touchdown pass to get the Raiders in the playoffs and get Al Davis’ ghost to smile. There’s got to be a ghost, right? Raiders 30, Chargers 26

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The playoff begin. Loser goes home. Victor Cruz goes to the end zone. Giants 29, Cowboys 23

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This column is sponsored by Santorum World, an amusement park.

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See www.briantarcy.com

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as these week 16 NFL picks are accurate.

How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if the NFL playoffs started without including the Cleveland Browns. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance… what do you mean, the Browns aren’t going to the playoffs?

That’s dreary!

Look Virginia, reports are that when Santa Claus left the North Pole he was wearing a Colt McCoy jersey under his red suit. A few years ago, he wore a Derek Anderson jersey, and  before that a Charlie Frye jersey under the suit. It’s true. Santa is a Browns fan.

It’s an under-reported fact that Santa Claus grew up in the snow belt of Cleveland. For those of you unfamiliar with Cleveland’s snow belt, think of it as being to snow as the Bible belt is to the Bible.  Full of it. Yes, Santa Claus comes from that much snow. This explains the cookies.

So you see, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus because why else would a fat old man fly around the world year after year giving gifts to every person in the world, or at least some of them, if it were not because the man was Browns fan trying to do anything to change his team’s luck.

Is Santa Claus real? Virginia, this is not 1997 or 1998 when the Cleveland Browns didn’t actually exist. Of course Santa Claus is real.

Santa’s favorite NFL team is not real good, so Santa sometimes gets confused. If you get a drill instead of a doll, it’s because Santa is sad about the Browns and not thinking straight. This doesn’t make Santa a bad person. Do you you understand, Virginia? Nothing is more real than Santa’s excruciating sadness about the state of his favorite football team so you should feel damn lucky you’re not getting coal.

Santa is as real as this is actually whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT COLTS – Tough luck Colts fans. Colts 19, Texans 16

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Two trick plays, a blown referee’s call, and a weird bounce of the football is the formula to a sure Browns victory. Ray Lewis is buried under reindeer droppings. Browns 20, Ravens 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – While the Vikings ponder their luck, Rex Grossman’s one-man stage show of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde continues. Redskins 27, Vikings 19

JAGUARS AT TITANS – While Blame Gabbert is this year’s Jimmy Clausen, Matt Hasselbeck is back to make Jaguar stew for Christmas. Titans 24, Jaguars 17

RAMS AT STEELERS – Charlie Batch fills in fine during this exhibition game. Steelers 24, Rams 10

GIANTS AT JETS – The Giants have to travel, but Eli Manning is better on the road than Mark Sanchez is at home. New York, New York, if you can make it there, you’re probably on the Giants 27, Jets 20

BRONCOS AT BILLS – On this day, God roots for the Buffalo Bills. That’s right, people, it’s time to go Fitzpatricking. Bills 23, Broncos 20

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Most of the Buccaneers are already home opening presents by the time the game begins. Panthers 30, Buccaneers 13

CARDINALS AT BENGALS – Interesting matchup of two young quarterbacks and two spectacular receivers from two snake-bitten franchises. Bengals 23, Cardinals 20

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Kansas City’s romance with Romeo is in full bloom. Chiefs 24, Raiders 22

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – In Miami, coal looks like Bill Belichick. Patriots 32, Dolphins 24

CHARGERS AT LIONS – Gentlemen, start the scoreboard. The touchdowns will be flying faster than Santa. In other words, this is going to be fun. Lions 40, Chargers 38

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – There is something, I don’t know what, that worries me about the 49ers. Whatever it is, it shows up in this game. Seahawks 17, 49ers 10

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – I don’t like either one of these teams so I hope they both lose. The Eagles are better at losing. It’s like a Christmas dream. Cowboys 30, Eagles 20

BEARS AT PACKERS – Perfect? How about a perfect blowout… Packers 34, Bears 12

FALCONS AT SAINTS – Saint Nick has a good day, so Drew Brees should find it just as easy. Saints 42, Falcons 32

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This column is sponsored by the Tinsel Workers Union.

These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?

What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.

Okay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.

Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We  have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.

Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999.  The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.

As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen

JAGUARS AT FALCONS – I don’t remember Thursday night.

COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Saturday was a long time ago.

PANTHERS AT TEXANS – T.J. Yates has Matt Schaub reading up on Wally Pipp. Texans 20, Panthers 10

TITANS AT COLTS – Nobody’s perfect this season except the Packers. Colts 13, Titans 10

PACKERS AT CHIEFS – I like Romeo Crennell, and Kyle Orton poses a bit of an early issue, but the Packers offense is dominant. Packers 24, Chiefs 17

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Marshawn Lynch has Bears 20, Seahawks 16

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Buffalo weather so I am back on the bandwagon. Plus the Dolphins are waiting for next year. Bills 20, Dolphins 19

SAINTS AT VIKINGS – Drew Brees is the definition of accurate. Saints 38, Vikings 24

BENGALS AT RAMS – AJ Green is ridiculous Bengals 24, Rams 17

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Eli is better when Peyton is not in the league. Giants 27, Redskins 20.

LIONS AT RAIDERS – Ndamkong Suh and Richard Seymour write a children’s book called, “I’ll Hurt You.” Lions 26, Raiders 10

BROWNS AT CARDINALS – The Seneca Wallace era begins. That’s right, it’s going to be an era. Browns 30, Cardinals 20

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – The Patriots should win 42-0. They won’t win because Tim Tebow inspires the Broncos defense to rush Tom Brady who throws an interception to an unnamed player who Tim Tebow cheers for as the player runs for a touchdown. Tebow cheering is the ESPN play of the week. Broncos 24, Patriots 21

JETS AT EAGLES – Disappointing versus humiliating. Disappointing wins. Jets 24, Eagles 20

RAVENS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are back? Back to nowhere, says I. The soulless Ravens remind Philip Rivers he is having a miserable season. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis has a fatal tinsel accident. Ravens 24, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT 49ers – The evil Steelers are better than the 49ers if Ben Roethlisberger plays. Steelers 17, 49ers 13

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This column is sponsored by “The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas,” and “I Saw Romney Kissing Santa Claus.”