Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.

Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.

Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.

So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she  is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.

And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?

As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.

Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.

I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT BRONCOS – This is Peyton Manning with a butcher knife carving the Ravens defense. Speaking of Ray Lewis’ hobbies, the retiring linebacker fatally injures himself doing his signature pre-game dance. The autopsy ruling is ‘death by posing.” Anyway, back to Peyton Manning’s metaphorical butcher knife. It just looks like it is going to be too easy.  And while I think Joe Flacco will play better than I think he will (are you following?), the Broncos defense will flummox him often. For Manning, three touchdowns, 320 yards. Ho hum. Broncos 33, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick in his first playoff start against Aaron Rodgers. It looks like a no-brainer. But it is in San Francisco and the 49ers clearly have the better defense. I am losing an argument with myself because I think the Packers offense is just too powerful for the 49ers to keep up with, but it is still in San Francisco and the 49ers continue to clearly have the better defense. Home teams win more often than not in the playoffs, and the cliché is that defense wins championships. And although cliches are fun, Aaron Rodgers has won a championship more recently than a cliché did. So my discount double check says Kaepernick makes at least two crucial mistakes. Packers 27, 49ers 17

SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Seattle team seems to have everything, especially the Marshawn Lynch train. The last rookie quarterback in the playoffs is the little dude from the third round of the draft. The defense, especially the secondary, is awesome. But Pete “aw shucks” Carroll will not be ready for the offensive firepower the Falcons throw at him. The  vaunted Seahawks secondary is in for a long day against Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. I have been wrong about the Falcons all year which means they will probably lose because I am picking them to win easily. Falcons 31, Seahawks 13

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – There is a reason that Bill Belichick warns that the previous game between these teams does not mean anything. The reason is that the previous game does not mean anything. The Texans are not going to get beat down immediately as they were in the previous game. They are going to come out fighting and may even lead for a while. And then they will get beat down. It’s only a matter of time before the smiling assassin, Tom Brady, rips the heart out of the Texans. Although the Patriots defense has gotten better the second half of the year, they are not to be trusted. Tom Brady can be trusted to throw touchdowns to Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and others (plural). Patriots 41, Texans 24

BYE AT BROWNS – The winners of every fantasy football league in the country are interviewed to be the next head coach, as the comprehensive search continues.

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These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are bulletproof, says me.  Trust me. I am the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre’s favorite gun.

And together we say that the Cleveland Browns won’t lose this NFL wildcard weekend. Got it?

Call me Crazy. No really, that’s my name. “I’ll show you crazy!” Wayne LaPierre likes to shout when he waves me around. Wayne LaPierre scares even me, and I am a gun. I think I need to buy a tank to protect myself. That’s legal, right?

I am currently hanging out at recess at the local elementary school, you know, to protect the kids. My trigger is getting itchy as I think about the upcoming Seahawks/Redskins game. I am so excited. I want to shoot at the sky as if I am at a fun Middle Eastern wedding. That’s also legal, right?

Two great young quarterbacks are in that Seattle/Washington game. Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson are young gunslingers. I am just like them, only I am a gun.

The worst two quarterbacks still playing this weekend are Christian Ponder and Joe Flacco. They are not just like me. They are like a bow and arrow. What’s the point of putting the likes of them in every kindergarten class in America?

The truth is that guns in schools is the first of a series of incremental steps necessary to make America safe. First small guns. Then big guns. Then tanks. Armed guards on rooftops, guarded by other armed guards in case any armed guards go rogue. In fact, the only way to make our schools truly safe is to arm each one with a nuclear weapon – you know, like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.

But why stop with schools?

The only way this country is ever really going to become safe again is if every man, woman and child in America is packing a nuclear weapon on their person. A sort of widespread theory of mutually assured destruction – “MAD.” This logic kept the peace for decades with the Soviet Union. Surely the threat of mutually assured destruction would keep the peace in, say, a stadium full of drunk NFL fans wearing opposing team jerseys. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT TEXANS – The Texans are a weird team with way too much of the wrong kind of momentum going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Bengals are as fragile as a teacup in an earthquake. If there were to be an earthquake, that would be a problem. But the Texans don’t make anyone quake, ever since the Patriots explained winning NFL football to them in early December. Bengals 27, Texans 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – So Adrian Peterson fell nine yards short of the NFL single season rushing record. It’s pretty to think that is important. Years from now, that will be all of this season there is to look back on. Well, that and the one and done playoff trip to Green Bay, where the Packers should smoke the Vikings. Packers 41, Vikings 24

COLTS AT RAVENS – Joe Flacco or Andrew Luck? Hmm. Spam or Steak? But the big news is the impending retirement of Ray Lewis. After being killed every week for years in this column in dozens of ways, Lewis could be riding off into the sunset. That’s why the sunset is just bright camouflage for a limo full of killers with knives because that’s the most poetic end I could conjure. Well, that and a Ravens loss in Baltimore to a rookie quarterback named Luck wearing a Colts uniform like Johnny Unitas used to wear. Colts 33, Ravens 30

SEAHAWKS AT REDSKINS – Can the Seahawks travel to Washington and win a road playoff game? Can the Redskins score enough on the Seahawks tough defense? I don’t put anything past these two quarterbacks. This is an actual career-defining game, or at least an early benchmark, for these two in their rookie season. So, the player to win the game is… Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks running back. That dude’s a beast. Seahawks 24, Redskins 19

BYE AT PATRIOTS – After a decoy trip to get pickled with Flavor Flav, the Patriots visit some Pickle Jar Kitchen. “It is what it is,” said Bill Belichick. “A culinary revolution.” He then had the kind of epiphany that only comes from the most mouth-watering delicious foods. “The easiest way to not lose to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl,” said the coach, “is to go to a Super Bowl that the Giants don’t qualify for.” Food for thought.

BYE AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning’s neck is surgically removed, greased and shined, and then replaced again. This is done in secret at Yucca Mountain, where the Peyton Manning droid is now maintained. It’s really remarkable how far the Dick Clark animatronic technology has evolved in just a year.

BYE AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos come to life and form a band trying to compete with San Francisco’s greatest band, Mad Karma. Because mad karma is what Jim Harbaugh was counting on when he switched quarterbacks midseason. Meanwhile,  the Colin Kaepernick Tattoos put out their first single, “I’ve got a good defense” It goes straight to number 1.

BYE AT FALCONS – Yes, it’s the NFL playoffs. And yes, the Falcons are in the playoffs. But I say, despite what the national media thinks, the Falcons probably won’t lose this week. Sure, the Falcons always choke in the playoffs. But usually it is against an actual opponent. So come on, people. Be fair.

BYE AT BROWNS – Twenty five years ago, the Cleveland Browns lost the AFC championship to John Elway’s Denver Broncos when Ernest Byner fumbled at the goal line. I held my newborn son in my arms when it happened. I remember it exactly like yesterday. The Browns were almost Super Bowl good. They have never been that good again. They even abandoned me in the mid-1990s. New owner Jimmy Haslam needs to feel my pain, and help make my pleasant diversion from life actually pleasant again. It’s someone else’s turn to lose.

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This column is sponsored by sadness, and tomorrow.
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