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These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.

Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.

But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.

They have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?

No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.

We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.

We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.

Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.

TITANS AT JAGUARS – Which mediocre quarterback of the future wearing a Power Rangers uniform do you believe in? Jacksonville is at home, so that decides it. Jaguars 19, Titans 13

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS – The Kirk Cousins contract talks stall at about halftime. Panthers 30, Redskins 10

RAIDERS AT LIONS – The young Raiders on the road against a suddenly rejuvenated Lions team, right? Wrong on the “rejuvenated” part. These Lions are sadly, just like the one named “Cecil.” Raiders 26, Lions 12

COWBOYS AT DOLPHINS – Tony Romo ain’t rescuing nothing, no how, no way. Dolphins 30, Cowboys 20

COLTS AT FALCONS – Matt Hasselbeck subscription to Fountain of Youth Magazine expires. Falcons 36, Colts 13

RAMS AT RAVENS – When you turn to Case Keenum, you give up even more than a team that has already given up. Ravens 20, Rams 18

JETS AT TEXANS – Geno Smith against TJ Yates. This is a Replacement game. Jets 24, Texans 12

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – This game’s headline should be “Whoa, Slowdown With That Changing Of The Guard Crap.” Packers 31, Vikings 21

BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES – When you know that the first sentence of your starting quarterback’s long-in-the-future obituary will include the words “butt fumble,” you are not in a good place.  Buccaneers 25, Eagles 19

BRONCOS AT BEARS – Brock Osweiler only has to be better than Peyton Manning, which should be easy. Monday’s headline: Broncos ride Osweiler to win. Broncos 32, Bears 17

BENGALS AT CARDINALS – Red Rover, Red Rover, send Andy Dalton over. Cardinals 52, Bengals 20

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks are not what the once were. And while Blame Gabbert is slightly better than he once was, and much better than Colin Kaepernick. this won’t be close. Seahawks 26, 49ers 12

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Out of nowhere, here come Chiefs, and into Los Angeles, there go the Chargers. Chiefs 22, Chargers 14

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots hire Harry Potter as Director of Dirty Tricks. Rex Ryan studies to become a potter. Patriots 55, Bills 12

BYE AT SAINTS – The big fat shadow of Rob Ryan hangs over the city.

BYE AT GIANTS – Eli Manning goes to a surgeon to change the stunned sad expression frozen on his face.

BYE AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger writes a children’s book about Jared from Subway.

BYE AT BROWNS – Mike Pettine learns Johnny Manziel’s name.

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These week 3 NFL Picks by Pope Francis, with pity for the least among us, would like you to pray for the Cleveland Browns. I call for worldwide reforms on how the Cleveland Browns are treated.

I came to the United States because I was told that Johnny Manziel was playing this week for the Browns. So here I am, and now I find out that Josh McCown is playing instead. Jesus Christ!

I was going to drive my Fiat to Cleveland and hang out in the dog pound with my new best friend, Donald Trump, while we talked about immigration like a couple of adults with a direct phone line to God.

Instead, I am in Philadelphia. And frankly, even I can’t help the Eagles. Sam Bradford as your quarterback? Now that’s a prayer. Tim Tebow doesn’t even play for the Broncos.

So I know what you are thinking. Whenever a Pope visits the USA, he usually goes to Boston.

I did not go there because the New England Patriots have clear connections to the other side. That first became clear when they pulled off that deflated ball trick, and then blamed it on God. I asked, and even He can’t figure out how they did it. But He is sure they are guilty.

One more thing: I see that Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers have been arguing about whether God is a Packers fan or Seahawks fan. Both are laughable. God is a Browns fan. Although he is infallible and all that, he cheers for the Browns as a way to stay in touch with human suffering.

Trust me, God is worried about all aspects of human suffering. He created it. Why wouldn’t he worry about it? But I expect on Sunday when I am in Philadelphia watching a crappy Eagles game on TV with Mike Huckabee, God will text me and ask, “Can you believe Johnny Manziel isn’t starting?”

That’s exactly, swear to God, whatzgonnahappen.

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Every time the Giants score, Jason Pierre Paul turns to a friend and says, “Give me three.” Giants 32, Redskins 21

STEELERS AT RAMS – Ben Roethlisberger is a sandwich in some restaurants, and for the Rams defensive line. Rams 23, Steelers 16

CHARGERS AT VIKINGS – These are different versions of mediocre, like an argument between beige and manila. The envelope please: Vikings 20, Chargers 19

BUCCANEERS AT TEXANS – Ryan Mallet has his best day as a pro, and Jameis Winston has some growing pains named after JJ Watt. Texans 29, Buccaneers 20

EAGLES AT JETS – It looks like a mob hit  in the toxic part of New Jersey. Sam Bradford’s body, riddled with interceptions, is found on Revis Island. Jets 24, Eagles 10

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Diving for a touchdown, Cam Newton thinks football is Olympic skating as he does a quadruple spin Salchow jump landing in the end zone in a basic sit spin shoot-the-duck position. Meanwhile, the Pope came to America and named a saint, but not Sean Payton or Drew Brees. Quite telling. Panthers 31, Saints 17

JAGUARS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots scientists have invented a new kind of grass that recognizes the uniforms of opposing players and trips them. They call it Beligrass. Patriots 47, Jaguars 27

BENGALS AT RAVENS – The Ravens probably won’t go 0-16. The Bengals definitely won’t go 16-0. The tide turns a bit here. Ravens 21, Bengals 12

RAIDERS AT BROWNS – Josh McCown plays like Johnny Unitas, but the fans still want Johnny Manziel. The Raiders vow to keep an eye on Travis Benjamin, and they do. They watch him score three touchdowns. Browns 32, Raiders 22

COLTS AT TITANS – The Colts lost to the Jets. The Titans lost to the Browns, who lost to the Jets. Thus, this is simple math. The team that didn’t need a jet to get here wins. The other team has bad luck. Titans 20, Colts 18

FALCONS AT COWBOYS – Brandon Weeden in Texas is the Rick Perry of NFL quarterbacks. His brain just doesn’t work fast enough, forcing him to say “oops”. Falcons 31, Cowboys 14

49ers at CARDINALS – The 49ers are not as bad as I thought they’d be, but the Cardinals are as good, and maybe better than I thought. So I think this. Cardinals 30, 49ers 20

BEARS AT SEAHAWKS – Even though they are both 0-2, only one of these teams is a charity case. Seahawks 41, Bears 20

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – The teams argue the whole game over who hates the Patriots more. Dolphins 29, Bills 21

LIONS AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning is capable of a good half of football, but not a consistent good season. But he’ll win here because the Broncos defense will put a hurt on Matthew Stafford. Broncos 20, Lions 10

CHIEFS AT PACKERS – Aaron Rodgers at home. You don’t need insurance on this one. Packers 34, Chiefs 24

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These Week 1 NFL Picks by me, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, are 100 percent correct. It will not matter what happens in the games. I am right.

Trust me. I’ve read one book. I’ve seen one football game. I like one football team.

When God called me the other day on my county clerk red telephone, my God hotline, He told me that the Cleveland Browns would not lose a game this season. That’s what I heard, not the Fax machine noise nonbelievers have said I would have heard from that phone number.

God also told me in that phone call that despite any Earthly evidence I might be presented, I was righteous to believe in my heart that the Cleveland Browns have never lost a game  – ever.

The concerns and feelings of all other fans, He told me in that phone call, did not matter because only my beliefs matter. “Think of yourself as just like Roger Goodell,” He said to me.

So I, Kim Davis, acting exactly like Roger Goodell. stand up for what is righteous – the Cleveland Browns and no other NFL teams. Well, that’s not what Roger Goodell does. But he should.

There’s not room for anyone on Earth who doesn’t believe as I do. I swear, I’ll go to jail standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan.

What’s that? I’m going to jail for standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan? No, you can’t be serious. That’s not whatzgonnahappen.

STEELERS AT PATRIOTS – The Steelers jump to a two-touchdown lead when the Patriots radio reception interceptor, designed by freelancer Edward Snowden, is tuned to the wrong channel. By the end of the game, the Snowden thing works just fine. Coach Belichick says, “Ask Tom.” Patriots 42, Steelers 20

PACKERS AT BEARS = By haltime, John Fox can’t stand Jay Cutler. Most in Chicago are surprised it took that long. Packers 37, Bears 22

CHIEFS AT TEXANS – Brian Hoyer now has a Texas swagger, and a defense to go with it. Texans 27, Chiefs 13

BROWNS AT JETS – All staff for the Browns except for coach Mike Pettine is suspended. A guy working at a New Jersey gas station, because it was his turn, punches Geno Smith in the face. Danny Shelton is an immediate star. Josh McCown plays like Johnny Unitas. Browns 33, Jets 7

COLTS AT BILLS – Rex Ryan’s defense flusters Andrew Luck until the fourth quarter. Tyrod Taylor outplays Luck until the fourth quarter – the Lucky fourth quarter. Colts 29, Bills 27

DOLPHINS AT REDSKINS – The Washington Redskins have become so dysfunctional that owner Daniel Snyder agrees to rename the team, Washington Politicians. Dolphins 26, Redksins 13

PANTHERS AT JAGUARS – This game was engineered for September, when both these teams still have valid false hope. Panthers 23, Jaguars 17

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – This is how a Super Bowl heartbreak hangover begins. Rams 21, Seahawks 13

SAINTS AT CARDINALS – The Saints will get on a roll this season, but the Cardinals will start on a roll. Cardinals 32, Saints 24

LIONS AT CHARGERS – Gentlemen, start the scoreboard. Chargers 51, Lions 44

TITANS AT BUCCANEERS – Prior to the game, Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston go out for crab legs. Jameis Winston to Mike Evans is going to be fun to watch, while rookie mistakes by both quarterbacks may not be as fun. .Buccaneers 12, Titans 9

BENGALS AT RAIDERS – The Bengals get to start the season with a road win that is the symbolic of the early season mirage they are. Derek Carr regresses. Bengals 44, Raiders 9

RAVENS AT BRONCOS – I am starting this year thinking that Peyton Manning is older than Archie Manning. I reserve the right to go back to the future, but for now… Ravens 23, Broncos 13

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – If the Giants win, Jason Pierre Paul will be having a fireworks party. It should be a fun party. Bad Comedian Eli Manning will be there. He wrote this column. Giants 26, Cowboys 20

EAGLES AT FALCONS – Sam Bradford is the perfect quarterback for Chip Kelly’s system, for the first drive. After that, not so much. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones play for the highlight reel, three times. Falcons 30, Eagles 10

VIKINGS AT 49ers – Just before the game, the popcorn vendor retires. It’s that kind of year in San Francisco. Vikings 19, 49ers 6

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Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl. Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen.

BYE AT BROWNS – Like Joe Namath, I guarantee the Cleveland Browns will not lose the Super Bowl. Now that Vince Lombardi is the general manager, it’s only a matter of time before they are hanging a banner from the ceiling. A championship banner, or Joe Banner.

SUPER BOWL XLVII – RAVENS VERSUS 49ERS

The original electric football game played decades ago between the Harbaugh brothers had the 49ers winning, followed by the coaches wrestling and breaking Mom’s favorite vase. Ray Lewis announces a new promotion with Papa John’s – they’ll give a free pizza away for every murder he gets away with. I’ll have two pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese, please.

PREGAME – Roger Goodell is given the key to the city of New Orleans, but it turns out to be a bad key. It doesn’t fit and he can’t get in. The good key was given to Alicia Keyes. She sings the national anthem as a duet with Mantei Teo’s girlfriend, who prerecorded her vocals.

COIN FLIP – The $1 Trillion Commemorative Government Debt Coin comes up tails. By law, this makes the coin worth $2 Trillion. Problem solved, until the coin is stolen by former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. The NFC team, the 49ers, win the coin flip because that’s the way the coin is made.

FIRST QUARTER – LaMichael James watches the kickoff sail out of the end zone. A “Kaepernicking” Alex Smith misses as he tries to trip Colin Kaepernick running onto the field. Trying to explain the 49ers offense, Phil Simms uses the word “pistol” so many times that the NRA elects him president. But Ray Lewis proves worthy of stopping a speeding bullet in its tracks. Kaepernick has jitters. After a punt, Ray Rice goes to work for five plays until the 49ers are ready for him. That’s when Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith on a long bomb. (Ravens 7, 49ers 0) So another kickoff to LaMichael James, who this time shoots tho ball down as if it is a clay pigeon and then returns it to the 35. He thanks Phil Simms, President of the National Rifle Association. On the ensuing drive, Kaepernick and Frank Gore run the 49ers into field goal range.  Ravens 7, 49ers 3

SECOND QUARTER – Jacoby Jones, having seen LaMichael James clay pigeon strategy, employs a butterfly net to snare the ball on the kickoff. After all that effort, he only gets the ball back to the 12-yard line, proving the wisdom of the Second Amendment. Backed up, the Ravens stall and punt. Then the 49ers do the same. The field position game has begun and the 49ers pin the Ravens back by the goal line again. But after one 10-yard Ray Rice run, Joe Flacco comes out throwing. Anquan Boldin does the catching. Over the middle, down the sidelines. In the end zone. (Ravens 14, 49ers 3) As the Ravens score the second touchdown, Jim Harbaugh calls his Mom to tell her how John broke her vase. But then Colin Kaepernick breaks off a run and slices through Ray Lewis and the Ravens defense like a murderous knife.  Ravens 14, 49ers 10

HALFTIME – Beyonce is followed by a committee of Republicans trying to find a way to impeach Obama for her lip-synching at the inauguration. So she puts them in the halftime show as dancers. Eric Cantor and John Boehner are so flamboyantly spectacular that no one buys anything sold in any $4 million commercials. Singlehandedly, Cantor’s and Boehner’s artistry destroy the American economy but they call it a success because Beyonce is now the only one in the country with money, and she is obviously a job creator.

THIRD QUARTER – All eleven Ravens on the kickoff team have assault weapons to shoot the kickoff down. The largest piece of the ball is recovered by the Ravens at their own 41-yard line. But Joe Flacco, under heavy pressure, throws the ball to Patrick Willis, who runs it to the Ravens 20. Frank Gore than gores the Ray Lewis defense, and Michael Crabtree makes a spectacular touchdown catch. The 49ers take their first lead of the game. (49ers 17, Ravens 14) The Ravens are ready with a North Korean missile to shoot down the kickoff, but the missile malfunctions. Taking the ball at their own 20, they ride Ray Rice and a short, patient passing game on 15-play drive ending with a two-yard Rice touchdown run. Ravens 21, 49ers 17

FOURTH QUARTER – The 49ers build a Death Star to shoot the football out of the sky and into the hands of LaMichael James, who runs the ball back to the Ravens 33-yard line. By mistake, the Death Star shoots two shots, and one hits Ray Lewis right between the eyes. Jim Harbaugh does a shout out to No-Soul Nerdy McGeek, his special teams consultant from Silicon Valley. On the first play after the kickoff, Kaepernick throw a perfect pass to Randy Moss in the corner of the end zone. (49ers 24, Ravens 21) Moss yells out, “I wish I was a New England Patriot.” On the next kickoff, the criminals from the cast of The Wire take aim at the football as if it just stole all the crack in Baltimore. Jacoby Jones returns the ball to the 47-yard line. And after two small Ray Rice Runs, Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith wide open and in stride. Ravens 28, 49ers 24.

FINAL SCORE; Ravens 28, 49ers 24

POSTGAME: The Baltimore Ravens are world champions. Ray Lewis is named MVP. Art Modell is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. All of this proves that God, the sports fan, hates Cleveland.

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These Conference Championship NFL Picks have never used PEDs to pick the games. Obviously. Or is it? I deny my denial.

It was pure hard work and God-given talent that allowed me to pick last week’s Patriots-Texans score almost exactly. Look it up. Don’t look at the other three games. Especially not the Saturday games. The PEDs had not kicked in when I was picking those games.

Look, I’ve always wanted to do PEDs. But I think I did PEZ instead. I need a copy editor. Sure, the PEZ dispenser was filled with steroids, HGH, and Adderal, but as best as I knew I was taking pure PEZ, just like Manny Ramirez. I have plausible deniability. I think.

Want to go for a bike ride? I’ll race you!

This weekend is like the second final stage of the Tour de NFL, and I am juiced up for it. But don’t you dare accuse me of being juiced up because I’ll just issue wildly inaccurate statements about how I believe the Cleveland Browns are sure to win both games this Sunday, and then you’ll be so confused that you won’t know how to respond. Exactly.

I am raising money for people suffering from an apparently fatal disease called “Futilely Cheering For The Cleveland Browns To Win A Championship.” It has been a fatal disease since 1964, as sadly, many Cleveland Browns fans have died since 1964. If only they had won a few championships since then. What a difference it could have made.

My story is heartwarming. I am waiting on a new delivery of PEZ. Did I mention my story is heartwarming? No, I did not say heartburning.

So by the end of this weekend, if this PEZ dispenser shaped like Barry Bonds steroid-bighead (not his post-steroid regular head) is any good, the following will take place. And I will stand by all of this until the end of time, or until there is enough evidence that I don’t have any choice as to admit that this is actually whatzgonnahappen.

49ers AT FALCONS – Colin Kaepernick runs like Eric Dickerson, throws like John Elway, and looks like a member of the Red Hot Chile Peppers. Plus the 49ers have a hard-nosed defense, a mean running game, and the simple look of a bully. The Falcons, as beneficiaries of the Pete Carroll ice strategy, are lucky to even be playing. While the Falcons are home again, everything about them screams Stuart Smalley… “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me.” Well, no they don’t like you. I don’t. Las Vegas doesn’t. Heck, half of Atlanta and four out of five dentists (plus six out of seven falconers)  do not think the Falcons are going to win. Even real falcons – you know, birds – are pooping 49 times a day. I counted. 49ers 37, Falcons 20

RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Joe Flacco throws a great deep ball. Tom Brady throws a great every ball. John Harbaugh is a really good NFL coach in 2012. Bill Belichick belongs in the same sentence with Vince Lombardi. The Patriots are a model organization. The Ravens are an evil team stolen from Cleveland. Despite everything I just mentioned, this is not going to be an easy go for the Patriots, until it is. The Ravens are a reasonably tough opponent. They might even strike first. But the Patriots are go-for-the-jugular mean, and even, or especially, Ray Lewis understands that. Speaking of Ray Lewis and the jugular, he hires a juggler for his retirement party but the juggler thinks Ray wanted someone to go for the jugular, and now you know the rest of the story. Well, that and a big bad dose of Wes Welker. Patriots 31, Ravens 17

BYE AT BROWNS – Jimmy Haslam wins an Art Modell look-alike contest.

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Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.

Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.

Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.

So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she  is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.

And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?

As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.

Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.

I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT BRONCOS – This is Peyton Manning with a butcher knife carving the Ravens defense. Speaking of Ray Lewis’ hobbies, the retiring linebacker fatally injures himself doing his signature pre-game dance. The autopsy ruling is ‘death by posing.” Anyway, back to Peyton Manning’s metaphorical butcher knife. It just looks like it is going to be too easy.  And while I think Joe Flacco will play better than I think he will (are you following?), the Broncos defense will flummox him often. For Manning, three touchdowns, 320 yards. Ho hum. Broncos 33, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick in his first playoff start against Aaron Rodgers. It looks like a no-brainer. But it is in San Francisco and the 49ers clearly have the better defense. I am losing an argument with myself because I think the Packers offense is just too powerful for the 49ers to keep up with, but it is still in San Francisco and the 49ers continue to clearly have the better defense. Home teams win more often than not in the playoffs, and the cliché is that defense wins championships. And although cliches are fun, Aaron Rodgers has won a championship more recently than a cliché did. So my discount double check says Kaepernick makes at least two crucial mistakes. Packers 27, 49ers 17

SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Seattle team seems to have everything, especially the Marshawn Lynch train. The last rookie quarterback in the playoffs is the little dude from the third round of the draft. The defense, especially the secondary, is awesome. But Pete “aw shucks” Carroll will not be ready for the offensive firepower the Falcons throw at him. The  vaunted Seahawks secondary is in for a long day against Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. I have been wrong about the Falcons all year which means they will probably lose because I am picking them to win easily. Falcons 31, Seahawks 13

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – There is a reason that Bill Belichick warns that the previous game between these teams does not mean anything. The reason is that the previous game does not mean anything. The Texans are not going to get beat down immediately as they were in the previous game. They are going to come out fighting and may even lead for a while. And then they will get beat down. It’s only a matter of time before the smiling assassin, Tom Brady, rips the heart out of the Texans. Although the Patriots defense has gotten better the second half of the year, they are not to be trusted. Tom Brady can be trusted to throw touchdowns to Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and others (plural). Patriots 41, Texans 24

BYE AT BROWNS – The winners of every fantasy football league in the country are interviewed to be the next head coach, as the comprehensive search continues.

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These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are bulletproof, says me.  Trust me. I am the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre’s favorite gun.

And together we say that the Cleveland Browns won’t lose this NFL wildcard weekend. Got it?

Call me Crazy. No really, that’s my name. “I’ll show you crazy!” Wayne LaPierre likes to shout when he waves me around. Wayne LaPierre scares even me, and I am a gun. I think I need to buy a tank to protect myself. That’s legal, right?

I am currently hanging out at recess at the local elementary school, you know, to protect the kids. My trigger is getting itchy as I think about the upcoming Seahawks/Redskins game. I am so excited. I want to shoot at the sky as if I am at a fun Middle Eastern wedding. That’s also legal, right?

Two great young quarterbacks are in that Seattle/Washington game. Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson are young gunslingers. I am just like them, only I am a gun.

The worst two quarterbacks still playing this weekend are Christian Ponder and Joe Flacco. They are not just like me. They are like a bow and arrow. What’s the point of putting the likes of them in every kindergarten class in America?

The truth is that guns in schools is the first of a series of incremental steps necessary to make America safe. First small guns. Then big guns. Then tanks. Armed guards on rooftops, guarded by other armed guards in case any armed guards go rogue. In fact, the only way to make our schools truly safe is to arm each one with a nuclear weapon – you know, like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.

But why stop with schools?

The only way this country is ever really going to become safe again is if every man, woman and child in America is packing a nuclear weapon on their person. A sort of widespread theory of mutually assured destruction – “MAD.” This logic kept the peace for decades with the Soviet Union. Surely the threat of mutually assured destruction would keep the peace in, say, a stadium full of drunk NFL fans wearing opposing team jerseys. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT TEXANS – The Texans are a weird team with way too much of the wrong kind of momentum going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Bengals are as fragile as a teacup in an earthquake. If there were to be an earthquake, that would be a problem. But the Texans don’t make anyone quake, ever since the Patriots explained winning NFL football to them in early December. Bengals 27, Texans 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – So Adrian Peterson fell nine yards short of the NFL single season rushing record. It’s pretty to think that is important. Years from now, that will be all of this season there is to look back on. Well, that and the one and done playoff trip to Green Bay, where the Packers should smoke the Vikings. Packers 41, Vikings 24

COLTS AT RAVENS – Joe Flacco or Andrew Luck? Hmm. Spam or Steak? But the big news is the impending retirement of Ray Lewis. After being killed every week for years in this column in dozens of ways, Lewis could be riding off into the sunset. That’s why the sunset is just bright camouflage for a limo full of killers with knives because that’s the most poetic end I could conjure. Well, that and a Ravens loss in Baltimore to a rookie quarterback named Luck wearing a Colts uniform like Johnny Unitas used to wear. Colts 33, Ravens 30

SEAHAWKS AT REDSKINS – Can the Seahawks travel to Washington and win a road playoff game? Can the Redskins score enough on the Seahawks tough defense? I don’t put anything past these two quarterbacks. This is an actual career-defining game, or at least an early benchmark, for these two in their rookie season. So, the player to win the game is… Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks running back. That dude’s a beast. Seahawks 24, Redskins 19

BYE AT PATRIOTS – After a decoy trip to get pickled with Flavor Flav, the Patriots visit some Pickle Jar Kitchen. “It is what it is,” said Bill Belichick. “A culinary revolution.” He then had the kind of epiphany that only comes from the most mouth-watering delicious foods. “The easiest way to not lose to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl,” said the coach, “is to go to a Super Bowl that the Giants don’t qualify for.” Food for thought.

BYE AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning’s neck is surgically removed, greased and shined, and then replaced again. This is done in secret at Yucca Mountain, where the Peyton Manning droid is now maintained. It’s really remarkable how far the Dick Clark animatronic technology has evolved in just a year.

BYE AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos come to life and form a band trying to compete with San Francisco’s greatest band, Mad Karma. Because mad karma is what Jim Harbaugh was counting on when he switched quarterbacks midseason. Meanwhile,  the Colin Kaepernick Tattoos put out their first single, “I’ve got a good defense” It goes straight to number 1.

BYE AT FALCONS – Yes, it’s the NFL playoffs. And yes, the Falcons are in the playoffs. But I say, despite what the national media thinks, the Falcons probably won’t lose this week. Sure, the Falcons always choke in the playoffs. But usually it is against an actual opponent. So come on, people. Be fair.

BYE AT BROWNS – Twenty five years ago, the Cleveland Browns lost the AFC championship to John Elway’s Denver Broncos when Ernest Byner fumbled at the goal line. I held my newborn son in my arms when it happened. I remember it exactly like yesterday. The Browns were almost Super Bowl good. They have never been that good again. They even abandoned me in the mid-1990s. New owner Jimmy Haslam needs to feel my pain, and help make my pleasant diversion from life actually pleasant again. It’s someone else’s turn to lose.

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These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT EAGLES – Paper bag head coverings required at all Eagle games. Bengals 34, Eagles 13

REDSKINS AT BROWNS – Robert Griffin III, or Kirk Cousins, gets smothered by the Browns defense. Josh Gordon, already the best Browns receiver in decades, scores three touchdowns. Browns Super Bowl parade plans begin to take shape. Browns 40, Redskins 20

GIANTS AT FALCONS – One team has a backbone, and the other is the Falcons. Giants 31, Falcons 21

VIKINGS AT RAMS – Adrian Peterson is super awesome. Sam Bradford is better than adequate. But Christian Ponder is Santa Claus, giving the game away. Rams 17, Vikings 14

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Jonathan Vilma, A Football Life, coming soon on The NFL Network. Saints 51, Buccaneers 41

JAGUARS AT DOLPHINS – I suppose people in Florida care about this, but if I’m in Florida and this game is going on, I am heading to the beach with the radio off. Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17

COLTS AT TEXANS – The Colts and Texans compare We-got-our-ass-whipped-by-the-Patriots notes. Texans 30, Colts 23

PACKERS AT BEARS – For me, the Packers remain the most dangerous team in the NFC. The Bears, at times, can be almost that good. Packers 40, Bears 38

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – Fire the offensive coordinator? Check. Win? Win? Bueller? And then Ray Lewis is mugged by a gang mall elves. Broncos 25, Ravens 23

PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – The sun sets in the west. Panthers 29, Chargers 23

SEAHAWKS AT BILLS – In my gut, I feel an upset. Either that, or someone fed me bad bacon. Bills 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT CARDINALS – No sane person would pick the Cardinals to win. Cardinals 24, Lions 20

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – At halftime, the two teams throw rocks at each other. Raiders 9, Chiefs 6

STEELERS AT COWBOYS – Two very untrustworthy teams. Overall, the Cowboys should be better. Yeah, middle of December against a peripheral AFC playoff team is about as big of a win as the Cowboys are capable of. Cowboys 27, Steelers 24

49ers AT PATRIOTS – For the last few weeks, it’s been all red carpets and roses for the Patriots offense. This may be a little tougher of a game, but watching Tom Brady is like watching Michael Jordan. Awwwww and then some. Patriots 30, 49ers 17

JETS AT TITANS – This is what passes for Monday Night Football – another Sanchez butt tackle? Another American institution in ruins. Titans 21, Jets 20

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These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – The Little League “mercy rule” is invoked, after Carson Palmer spends the day as Santa Claus, giving away gifts. Broncos 35, Raiders 10

CHIEFS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli walk into a bar. Wouldn’t you? Brandon Weeden, Trent Richardson and Josh Gordon are maybe, hopefully, possibly, could be old-school football triplets. Browns 40, Chiefs 20

RAMS AT BILLS – The Rams are almost good. The Bills are almost bad. Rams 24, Bills 20

RAVENS AT REDSKINS – RGIII is looking more like a magician every week. He might even be good enough to counteract Daniel Snyder’s bad karma. Ray Lewis attends a lifeguard party, and drowns. Redskins 21, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – A random drawing is held to see who the Eagles fire next. Everyone wants to “win” that lottery. Buccaneers 31, Eagles 13

CHARGERS AT STEELERS – It’s Charlie Batch’s world; people in Pittsburgh just live in it. Steelers 27, Chargers 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson has an old school OJ Simpson kind of game. Not even Christian Ponder can mess that up. Vikings 28, Bears 17

FALCONS  AT PANTHERS – NASA is keeping track of Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. Falcons 42, Panthers 30

COWBOYS AT BENGALS – In a battle of the extremely mediocre, the Bengals are hot so they are due to lose. Cowboys 24, Bengals 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember the Titans? Didn’t think so. Colts 27, Titans 20

JETS AT JAGUARS – In the second quarter, Mark Sanchez is replaced by Woody Allen, who throws two touchdown passes and then says, “I wouldn’t play for any team that would have me as quarterback.” Jets 26, Jaguars 23

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s bust for the Hall of Fame is commissioned in butter. 49ers 26, Dolphins 14

SAINTS AT GIANTS – The Saints have run out of gas. Plus it’s December so the sleeping Giants are waking up. Giants 33, Saints 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson wins a midget throwing contest. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

LIONS AT PACKERS – Ndamukong Suh is nominated for Secretary of State. Packers 40, Lions 33

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots use the old Decoy Bacon play, in which fat lineman chase a ball carrier who doesn’t really have the ball. Patriots 35, Texans 20

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These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Okay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT FALCONS – Mathematically, the Falcons keep winning close games plus the Saints have some weird interception karma equals: Falcons 31, Saints 28

TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans are coming off of a long rest, and the Titans are extremely mediocre. This is not any given Sunday, it’s this Sunday. Texans 32, Titans 10

COLTS AT LIONS – The Colts are chasing a playoff berth and the Lions are out, proving the NFL is unpredictable. Anyone who even tries to predict is an idiot. Colts 31, Lions 21

JAGUARS AT BILLS – Chad Henne went to Michigan. Tom Brady went to Michigan. See the similarity? Jaguars 27, Bills 24

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Bears eat Seahawks for breakfast. I saw it on the nature channel. Bears 23, Seahawks 13

49ers AT RAMS – When Alex Smith is 90, the future Kansas City Chief still won’t forgive Jim Harbaugh for ruining the best opportunity of his life. 49ers 31, Rams 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – I don’t understand either one of these teams, so I certainly can’t understand how Minnesota goes into Green Bay and wins, but they do. Vikings 27, Packers 20

PANTHERS AT CHIEFS – The mathematician Euclid proved Brady Quinn plus Peyton Hillis plus Romeo Crennel equals angry fans. Panthers 24, Chiefs 16

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots have scored 108 points in the last two weeks, so expect another average Patriots win. Patriots 54, Dolphins 20

CARDINALS AT JETS – Now that Fireman Ed has left, Tim Tebow finally has a place with the Jets… in the stands. Jets 20, Cardinals 17

BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – I am always the last to notice things, but I think Peyton Manning is back. Broncos 42, Buccaneers 30

BROWNS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden moves to Lyndhurst and coaches Brush High, and therefore gets an ownership stake in the Browns. Browns 45, Raiders 21

BENGALS AT CHARGERS – It’s so bad in San Diego that at the end of the game, Norv Turner’s face finally melts like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bengals 31, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Two weeks ago, Charlie Batch was taking dementia drugs in a retirement home. Ray Lewis early comeback is so inspirational that he decides to become a missionary, and that’s how he was captured and killed by pygmies. Ravens 24, Steelers 13

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The cliff-falling Eagles are in town. Even the Cowboys can’t screw this up. Cowboys 33, Eagles 3

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – There will be salsa dancing. Sacks. Spectacular plays by a spectacular rookie. Television loves it. The NFL loves it. You will love it. At it’s core, it’s a dirty rivalry reborn. Redskins 31, Giants 30

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