Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl. Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen.

BYE AT BROWNS – Like Joe Namath, I guarantee the Cleveland Browns will not lose the Super Bowl. Now that Vince Lombardi is the general manager, it’s only a matter of time before they are hanging a banner from the ceiling. A championship banner, or Joe Banner.

SUPER BOWL XLVII – RAVENS VERSUS 49ERS

The original electric football game played decades ago between the Harbaugh brothers had the 49ers winning, followed by the coaches wrestling and breaking Mom’s favorite vase. Ray Lewis announces a new promotion with Papa John’s – they’ll give a free pizza away for every murder he gets away with. I’ll have two pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese, please.

PREGAME – Roger Goodell is given the key to the city of New Orleans, but it turns out to be a bad key. It doesn’t fit and he can’t get in. The good key was given to Alicia Keyes. She sings the national anthem as a duet with Mantei Teo’s girlfriend, who prerecorded her vocals.

COIN FLIP – The $1 Trillion Commemorative Government Debt Coin comes up tails. By law, this makes the coin worth $2 Trillion. Problem solved, until the coin is stolen by former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. The NFC team, the 49ers, win the coin flip because that’s the way the coin is made.

FIRST QUARTER – LaMichael James watches the kickoff sail out of the end zone. A “Kaepernicking” Alex Smith misses as he tries to trip Colin Kaepernick running onto the field. Trying to explain the 49ers offense, Phil Simms uses the word “pistol” so many times that the NRA elects him president. But Ray Lewis proves worthy of stopping a speeding bullet in its tracks. Kaepernick has jitters. After a punt, Ray Rice goes to work for five plays until the 49ers are ready for him. That’s when Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith on a long bomb. (Ravens 7, 49ers 0) So another kickoff to LaMichael James, who this time shoots tho ball down as if it is a clay pigeon and then returns it to the 35. He thanks Phil Simms, President of the National Rifle Association. On the ensuing drive, Kaepernick and Frank Gore run the 49ers into field goal range.  Ravens 7, 49ers 3

SECOND QUARTER – Jacoby Jones, having seen LaMichael James clay pigeon strategy, employs a butterfly net to snare the ball on the kickoff. After all that effort, he only gets the ball back to the 12-yard line, proving the wisdom of the Second Amendment. Backed up, the Ravens stall and punt. Then the 49ers do the same. The field position game has begun and the 49ers pin the Ravens back by the goal line again. But after one 10-yard Ray Rice run, Joe Flacco comes out throwing. Anquan Boldin does the catching. Over the middle, down the sidelines. In the end zone. (Ravens 14, 49ers 3) As the Ravens score the second touchdown, Jim Harbaugh calls his Mom to tell her how John broke her vase. But then Colin Kaepernick breaks off a run and slices through Ray Lewis and the Ravens defense like a murderous knife.  Ravens 14, 49ers 10

HALFTIME – Beyonce is followed by a committee of Republicans trying to find a way to impeach Obama for her lip-synching at the inauguration. So she puts them in the halftime show as dancers. Eric Cantor and John Boehner are so flamboyantly spectacular that no one buys anything sold in any $4 million commercials. Singlehandedly, Cantor’s and Boehner’s artistry destroy the American economy but they call it a success because Beyonce is now the only one in the country with money, and she is obviously a job creator.

THIRD QUARTER – All eleven Ravens on the kickoff team have assault weapons to shoot the kickoff down. The largest piece of the ball is recovered by the Ravens at their own 41-yard line. But Joe Flacco, under heavy pressure, throws the ball to Patrick Willis, who runs it to the Ravens 20. Frank Gore than gores the Ray Lewis defense, and Michael Crabtree makes a spectacular touchdown catch. The 49ers take their first lead of the game. (49ers 17, Ravens 14) The Ravens are ready with a North Korean missile to shoot down the kickoff, but the missile malfunctions. Taking the ball at their own 20, they ride Ray Rice and a short, patient passing game on 15-play drive ending with a two-yard Rice touchdown run. Ravens 21, 49ers 17

FOURTH QUARTER – The 49ers build a Death Star to shoot the football out of the sky and into the hands of LaMichael James, who runs the ball back to the Ravens 33-yard line. By mistake, the Death Star shoots two shots, and one hits Ray Lewis right between the eyes. Jim Harbaugh does a shout out to No-Soul Nerdy McGeek, his special teams consultant from Silicon Valley. On the first play after the kickoff, Kaepernick throw a perfect pass to Randy Moss in the corner of the end zone. (49ers 24, Ravens 21) Moss yells out, “I wish I was a New England Patriot.” On the next kickoff, the criminals from the cast of The Wire take aim at the football as if it just stole all the crack in Baltimore. Jacoby Jones returns the ball to the 47-yard line. And after two small Ray Rice Runs, Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith wide open and in stride. Ravens 28, 49ers 24.

FINAL SCORE; Ravens 28, 49ers 24

POSTGAME: The Baltimore Ravens are world champions. Ray Lewis is named MVP. Art Modell is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. All of this proves that God, the sports fan, hates Cleveland.

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These Conference Championship NFL Picks have never used PEDs to pick the games. Obviously. Or is it? I deny my denial.

It was pure hard work and God-given talent that allowed me to pick last week’s Patriots-Texans score almost exactly. Look it up. Don’t look at the other three games. Especially not the Saturday games. The PEDs had not kicked in when I was picking those games.

Look, I’ve always wanted to do PEDs. But I think I did PEZ instead. I need a copy editor. Sure, the PEZ dispenser was filled with steroids, HGH, and Adderal, but as best as I knew I was taking pure PEZ, just like Manny Ramirez. I have plausible deniability. I think.

Want to go for a bike ride? I’ll race you!

This weekend is like the second final stage of the Tour de NFL, and I am juiced up for it. But don’t you dare accuse me of being juiced up because I’ll just issue wildly inaccurate statements about how I believe the Cleveland Browns are sure to win both games this Sunday, and then you’ll be so confused that you won’t know how to respond. Exactly.

I am raising money for people suffering from an apparently fatal disease called “Futilely Cheering For The Cleveland Browns To Win A Championship.” It has been a fatal disease since 1964, as sadly, many Cleveland Browns fans have died since 1964. If only they had won a few championships since then. What a difference it could have made.

My story is heartwarming. I am waiting on a new delivery of PEZ. Did I mention my story is heartwarming? No, I did not say heartburning.

So by the end of this weekend, if this PEZ dispenser shaped like Barry Bonds steroid-bighead (not his post-steroid regular head) is any good, the following will take place. And I will stand by all of this until the end of time, or until there is enough evidence that I don’t have any choice as to admit that this is actually whatzgonnahappen.

49ers AT FALCONS – Colin Kaepernick runs like Eric Dickerson, throws like John Elway, and looks like a member of the Red Hot Chile Peppers. Plus the 49ers have a hard-nosed defense, a mean running game, and the simple look of a bully. The Falcons, as beneficiaries of the Pete Carroll ice strategy, are lucky to even be playing. While the Falcons are home again, everything about them screams Stuart Smalley… “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it people like me.” Well, no they don’t like you. I don’t. Las Vegas doesn’t. Heck, half of Atlanta and four out of five dentists (plus six out of seven falconers)  do not think the Falcons are going to win. Even real falcons – you know, birds – are pooping 49 times a day. I counted. 49ers 37, Falcons 20

RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Joe Flacco throws a great deep ball. Tom Brady throws a great every ball. John Harbaugh is a really good NFL coach in 2012. Bill Belichick belongs in the same sentence with Vince Lombardi. The Patriots are a model organization. The Ravens are an evil team stolen from Cleveland. Despite everything I just mentioned, this is not going to be an easy go for the Patriots, until it is. The Ravens are a reasonably tough opponent. They might even strike first. But the Patriots are go-for-the-jugular mean, and even, or especially, Ray Lewis understands that. Speaking of Ray Lewis and the jugular, he hires a juggler for his retirement party but the juggler thinks Ray wanted someone to go for the jugular, and now you know the rest of the story. Well, that and a big bad dose of Wes Welker. Patriots 31, Ravens 17

BYE AT BROWNS – Jimmy Haslam wins an Art Modell look-alike contest.

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Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.

Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.

Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.

So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she  is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.

And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?

As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.

Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.

I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT BRONCOS – This is Peyton Manning with a butcher knife carving the Ravens defense. Speaking of Ray Lewis’ hobbies, the retiring linebacker fatally injures himself doing his signature pre-game dance. The autopsy ruling is ‘death by posing.” Anyway, back to Peyton Manning’s metaphorical butcher knife. It just looks like it is going to be too easy.  And while I think Joe Flacco will play better than I think he will (are you following?), the Broncos defense will flummox him often. For Manning, three touchdowns, 320 yards. Ho hum. Broncos 33, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick in his first playoff start against Aaron Rodgers. It looks like a no-brainer. But it is in San Francisco and the 49ers clearly have the better defense. I am losing an argument with myself because I think the Packers offense is just too powerful for the 49ers to keep up with, but it is still in San Francisco and the 49ers continue to clearly have the better defense. Home teams win more often than not in the playoffs, and the cliché is that defense wins championships. And although cliches are fun, Aaron Rodgers has won a championship more recently than a cliché did. So my discount double check says Kaepernick makes at least two crucial mistakes. Packers 27, 49ers 17

SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Seattle team seems to have everything, especially the Marshawn Lynch train. The last rookie quarterback in the playoffs is the little dude from the third round of the draft. The defense, especially the secondary, is awesome. But Pete “aw shucks” Carroll will not be ready for the offensive firepower the Falcons throw at him. The  vaunted Seahawks secondary is in for a long day against Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. I have been wrong about the Falcons all year which means they will probably lose because I am picking them to win easily. Falcons 31, Seahawks 13

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – There is a reason that Bill Belichick warns that the previous game between these teams does not mean anything. The reason is that the previous game does not mean anything. The Texans are not going to get beat down immediately as they were in the previous game. They are going to come out fighting and may even lead for a while. And then they will get beat down. It’s only a matter of time before the smiling assassin, Tom Brady, rips the heart out of the Texans. Although the Patriots defense has gotten better the second half of the year, they are not to be trusted. Tom Brady can be trusted to throw touchdowns to Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and others (plural). Patriots 41, Texans 24

BYE AT BROWNS – The winners of every fantasy football league in the country are interviewed to be the next head coach, as the comprehensive search continues.

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These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – The Little League “mercy rule” is invoked, after Carson Palmer spends the day as Santa Claus, giving away gifts. Broncos 35, Raiders 10

CHIEFS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli walk into a bar. Wouldn’t you? Brandon Weeden, Trent Richardson and Josh Gordon are maybe, hopefully, possibly, could be old-school football triplets. Browns 40, Chiefs 20

RAMS AT BILLS – The Rams are almost good. The Bills are almost bad. Rams 24, Bills 20

RAVENS AT REDSKINS – RGIII is looking more like a magician every week. He might even be good enough to counteract Daniel Snyder’s bad karma. Ray Lewis attends a lifeguard party, and drowns. Redskins 21, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – A random drawing is held to see who the Eagles fire next. Everyone wants to “win” that lottery. Buccaneers 31, Eagles 13

CHARGERS AT STEELERS – It’s Charlie Batch’s world; people in Pittsburgh just live in it. Steelers 27, Chargers 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson has an old school OJ Simpson kind of game. Not even Christian Ponder can mess that up. Vikings 28, Bears 17

FALCONS  AT PANTHERS – NASA is keeping track of Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. Falcons 42, Panthers 30

COWBOYS AT BENGALS – In a battle of the extremely mediocre, the Bengals are hot so they are due to lose. Cowboys 24, Bengals 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember the Titans? Didn’t think so. Colts 27, Titans 20

JETS AT JAGUARS – In the second quarter, Mark Sanchez is replaced by Woody Allen, who throws two touchdown passes and then says, “I wouldn’t play for any team that would have me as quarterback.” Jets 26, Jaguars 23

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s bust for the Hall of Fame is commissioned in butter. 49ers 26, Dolphins 14

SAINTS AT GIANTS – The Saints have run out of gas. Plus it’s December so the sleeping Giants are waking up. Giants 33, Saints 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson wins a midget throwing contest. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

LIONS AT PACKERS – Ndamukong Suh is nominated for Secretary of State. Packers 40, Lions 33

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots use the old Decoy Bacon play, in which fat lineman chase a ball carrier who doesn’t really have the ball. Patriots 35, Texans 20

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