These week 10 NFL Picks call on our divided nation to stop the partisan bickering and help  the Cleveland Browns go forward. Four more years of this? Really?

That’s what you want? Me and John Boehner spitting at each week after week other over the Browns offensive game plan? Fine, let me read Sharia law and see what I should do now. Food stamps for everybody! I’ll call the United Nations for advice after I marry the love of my life, Hugo Chavez. Hey, I just sold Kansas to China! I’m kidding, Rush.

No one knows it, but Rush Limbaugh and I are good friends. I am good for his career and, well, he has been great for mine.

But I am talking about the future of the Cleveland Browns and how I plan to get them to the upcoming Super Bowl. This is why you elected me. I watched the results. Thank you Cuyahoga County!

Hope and dreams? No. Reality and science. This campaign to get the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl in New Orleans is based on arithmetic, and now that America has endorsed my quest to restore the Cleveland Browns to greatness, all I can say is, forward.

Oh, I said that already? Well, forward pass. Or run. Either way, you should know that my opponent, Mitt Romney called and congratulated me and he said you should pray for me. That’s the first good idea he’s ever had.

I am glad that he was gracious in defeat. The Cleveland Browns are often gracious in defeat. Perhaps a bit too often. Maybe we should pray for them too. Or maybe they should just take a page from my campaign, and attack the teams that are rich with wins, and force them to pay their fair share of losses. That’s right, I am a socialist. You are surprised?

Finally, I would especially like to thank those visiting from France and Kenya who voted early and often. Sure, I stole the election. You are surprised? No, you are not surprised. You vote, and, no matter what they say, you determine whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT JAGUARS – The Good Karma Express is about to run over a dead cat. Colts 24, Jaguars 14

BRONCOS AT PANTHERS – Peyton Manning is on a roll. Cam Newton is on a couch talking about his problems. Broncos 28, Panthers 14

BYE AT BROWNS – Drawing up plans for the Super Bowl parade.

GIANTS AT BENGALS – November is never kind to the Giants. But the Bengals are. Giants 30, Bengals 20

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins find it easy to right their ship because the Titans are a sinking ship. Dolphins 27, Titans 17

BYE AT CARDINALS – Larry Fitzgerald tries puts a uniform on the Jugs machine, then tells the coach he found a new quarterback.

LIONS AT VIKINGS – The momentum see-saw has see-sawed. Lions 30, Vikings 28

RAIDERS AT RAVENS – The Raiders can’t stop anybody. The Ravens are anybody. Ray Lewis mistakenly befriends a linebacker-killing serial killer. Ravens 28, Raiders 20

BYE AT PACKERS – Obamacare is in full effect in Wisconsin.

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Some years, the Bills give the Patriots trouble. This is not one of those years. Patriots 38, Bills 17

CHARGERS AT BUCCANEERS – I believe in momentum, and I believe the Chargers victory over the Chiefs last week doesn’t count towards that. Buccaneers 30, Chargers 10

BYE AT REDSKINS – The real Redskins rule is that Daniel Snyder will somehow find a way to mess things up.

FALCONS AT SAINTS – The Saints, who I used to really like, annoy me. The Falcons, who used to annoy me, I like. Falcons 38, Saints 31

JETS AT SEAHAWKS – Mark Sanchez used to play for Pete Carroll. One way or another, Mark Sanchez will soon be past tense with Rex Ryan too. Seahawks 20, Jets 17

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – The Prozac Bowl. When did Andy Reid morph into Yosemite Sam?  Cowboys 17, Eagles 13

RAMS AT 49ers – The Rams are coming off of a bye week. So are the 49ers. Goodbye Rams. 49ers 28, Rams 14

TEXANS AT BEARS – The Bears defense is opportunistic, but the Texans won’t offer any opportunities. Jay Cutler might. Texans 21, Bears 20

CHIEFS AT STEELERS – I thought nationally televised executions were illegal. Steelers 41, Chiefs 20

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This column is sponsored by the wisdom of voters in Colorado and Washington.

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Please check out this excerpt from Chapter 1 of Conquering The North Face: Leader or Bully; There Are Consequences

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Thank you!

The United States Department of Um, created by Texas Governor Rick Perry, would like to celebrate our 3-day anniversary by offering these Week 10 NFL picks and, um.

This Department doesn’t care if Donovan McNabb fails any more than if Philip Rivers fails. The one NFL player this Department wants to fail is…. Well actually, this department has no records of which player it wants to fail. Sorry, oops.

The Department, by direction of the Founding Fathers, according to our records, pledges full faith that the Cleveland Browns are about to win the Super Bowl because… Actually, maybe the Department believes the Browns are never going to win the Super Bowl. Much of the Department’s mandate is unknown.

The Department of Um has only had time to evaluate half of the games it is picking. Rest assured that those games were studied thoroughly and the predictions of those games are based on sound data. Those are the games to really bet on. Unfortunately, Department computers that stored which games have been studied have been irreparably damaged.

There is this announcement. The Federal Department of Um is pleased to honor Albert Haynesworth as the best prepared NFL player of first half of the 2011 NFL season.

Finally, the one thing that the the United States Department of Um wants to know is, um, whatzgonnahappen.

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Thursday games periodically help my accuracy. It’s peculiar, and hard to explain. Raiders 24, Chargers 17.

RAMS AT BROWNS – The Browns are destined to dominate the Aquarian Age, which started on 11/11/11. Okay, how about the Browns, with 3 wins, are three times better than the 1-win Rams? How about the Browns are able to tackle Steven Jackson? Yeah, I didn’t think you’d buy that one. The best I’ve got is the Age of Aquarius. Browns 20, Rams 17

STEELERS AT BENGALS – I may have to remember to hate the Bengals instead of just ridiculing them. Can anyone help me with this? Bengals 26 Steelers 17

SAINTS AT FALCONS – Darren Sproles will torch the Falcons but Julio Jones proves he was worthy of the number 6 pick in the draft. Falcons 27, Saints 24

TITANS AT PANTHERS – An old quarterback on his last legs against a young quarterback who has potential to be the best in the NFL. Panthers 21, Titans 17

BILLS AT COWBOYS – The Bills looked like their old selves last week but that was a blip, or I don’t know anything about finding a bandwagon. Bills 28, Cowboys 21

JAGUARS AT COLTS – The Colts are not losing every game, even though they’d like to lose very game. Colts 24, Jaguars 20

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – What happens when one roller coaster races another roller coaster? This week, the one carrying the holy roller wins. Broncos 29, Chiefs 23

REDSKINS AT DOLPHINS – Who wants Andrew Luck when Matt Moore is your roster? Dolphins 20, Redskins 13

CARDINALS AT EAGLES – It’s better if the Eagles almost make the playoffs. So sure, they win this week. Eagles 29 Cardinals 10

TEXANS AT BUCCANEERS – Ben Tate and Arian Foster will stop and offer ice cream to Albert Haynesworth on their way to the end zone. Texans 27, Buccaneers 20

RAVENS AT SEAHAWKS – So now Joe Flacco is Joe Cool? Wrong. Snoopy is Joe Cool. Joe Flacco is an average NFL quarterback. Meanwhile, invited to lunch with the candidate, Ray Lewis was the third person Rick Perry meant to tell that the soup was poisoned. Ravens 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT BEARS – I don’t trust either quarterback in this statement game. I do trust Detroit’s defense. Lions 20, Bears 12

GIANTS AT 49eRS – I’ve seen lots of coaches try to write a story like the Alex Smith story – a bust saved by new coaching. Jim Harbaugh has actually pulled it off. Amazing. Plus, Frank Gore helps. 49ers 24, Giants 17

PATRIOTS AT JETS – One one hand, Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of a generation. On the other hand, I am still bitter that he cut Bernie Kosar. On that same hand, he hasn’t won a Super Bowl without Tom Brady or Lawrence Taylor starting for him. For that reason alone, the Patriots deserve to lose their third in a row. Jets 28, Patriots 14

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – Maybe Brett Favre will make a comeback for this one. Packers 41, Vikings 20

This column is sponsored by Joe Paterno School of Ethics.

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See briantarcy.com

– John Hiatt

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These Week 10 NFL Picks thought the world liked us, but the Picks just made a mental note of everything the world has said.

China just laughed at us, and South Korea said see ya later. It may appear right now like we are no longer a super power among the world’s most powerful NFL pickers.

But these week 10 NFL Picks are still relevant because we said we are. Plus,  just like Braylon Edwards and Lebron James, these Picks remember everything that anyone ever said or wrote about them. (As a side note, these Week 10 NFL Picks would like to thank Lebron James and Braylon Edwards for actually remembering everything the Picks said. The Picks are flattered by the personal attention.)

Plus when China accused us of overvaluing our currency, they were wrong. The Cleveland Browns are on a winning streak. Currency is rising in value because wins have been pumped into the economy.

The truth is that China used child labor to manufacture the malfunctioning Dallas Cowboys with lead paint and poison fixtures and now the Asian giant from wants to pass the blame for their inflated currency. Get this, China actually has the nerve to call the Dallas Cowboys “America’s Team.” America’s team was made in China, just like everything at Wal-Mart.

So these Picks will be returning to America soon, proud of all the nothing that they accomplished on their overseas trip. Then we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT FALCONS – Ray Lewis has a fatally accurate premonition. Falcons 26, Ravens 21

LIONS AT BILLS – Matthew Stafford wonders who has the voodoo doll. Meanwhile, sure it’s sinking to the bottom of the ocean. But I am staying on the Bills bandwagon. Bills 24, Lions 20

VIKINGS AT BEARS – It’s time for some more mid-season late game Favre heroics. It’s part of the dramatic plot that will make his inevitable end-of-the-year throw-the-season-away interception mean so much. Vikings 24, Bears 23

BYE AT PACKERS – Jerry Jones is elected to the Packers Hall of Fame.

JETS AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy and Peyton Hillis act like Joe Theismann and John Riggins. In the second half, they act like Bob Griese and Larry Csonka. Braylon Edwards drops the ball. Rob Ryan says he remembers being in the womb and drinking all the smart chromosomes. Browns 30, Jets 16

BENGALS AT COLTS – Here’s an idea for a reality show: Loser’s Locker room. Colts 34, Bengals 20

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – The winner gets to kiss their sister. Jaguars 26, Texans 24

BYE AT SAINTS – They must make those Hurricanes strong on Bourbon Street if Saints fans think everything is alright.

TITANS AT DOLPHINS – Randy Moss has learned not to buy green bananas in any particular city. And he brings the “L” column with him. Chad Pennington is still accurate. Dolphins 23, Titans 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Jimmy Clausen joins the Sam Bradford Fanclub and the Colt McCoy Fanclub. Buccaneers 21, Panthers 10

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Jamaal Charles runs into Josh McDaniels increasingly crowded nightmare. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21

BYE AT CHARGERS – In early November, the Chargers move the clock to September.

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson finds a great game hidden in his repertoire of garbage play. Cardinals 28, Seahawks 17.

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Jason Garrett tries out for The Apprentice just so he can get used to hearing those words: “You’re fired.” Giants 30, Cowboys 12

RAMS AT 49ers – Although I like it when the 49ers lose and Mike Singletary tries to pull screwdriver out of his ear, Troy Smith and Frank Gore will allow the tool to stay in his head and maybe tighten some of the loose screws.  49ers 24, Rams 18

BYE AT RAIDERS – The new Raider’s slogan: “Wow. Really?”

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – The Patriots could use a speed receiver to stretch the field. Where do you find one of those? Steelers 27, Patriots 17

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Donovan McNabb discovers Nancy Pelosi is more popular than he is. Redskins 23, Eagles 20

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This column is sponsored by turkey diaries.