These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

This week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen.

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Fitzpatrick is currently the better Ryan. I thought the score would be higher, but even I could have predicted a Ryan Tannehill interception to lose the game. Bills 19, Dolphins 14

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS – Since October 1, the Buccaneers are averaging 36 points a game. Numbers do lie, but not this week. Buccaneers 36, Panthers 26

BROWNS AT COWBOYS – The Browns are excruciatingly close to breaking through. I worry the uncertain drama of the new owner could hurt this year’s karma. But the dysfunctional Cowboys are Jets Lite. Browns 24, Cowboys 21

BYE AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson, the bionic man, fight crime in the bye week.

PACKERS AT LIONS – I’ve lost all faith in the Lions and I’ve gained a lot of faith back in the Packers. Packers 37, Lions 24

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – On any given Sunday in the NFL, a team favored by 15 can win by 30. Texans 40, Jaguars 10

BYE AT GIANTS – Tom Coughlin blames the November swoon on Victor Cruz’ mom.

CARDINALS AT FALCONS – This is as if an actual falcon fought an actual cardinal. Falcons 39, Cardinals 19

BENGALS AT CHIEFS – The Bengals are unreliable. The Chiefs can beat them if they don’t beat themselves. Chiefs 17, Bengals 14

BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson buys platform shoes.

EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Every ten minutes, Michael Vick calls Robert Griffin III to warn him that football is dangerous. Ten minutes later, he calls again. Redskins 24, Eagles 20

JETS AT RAMS – After his fifth interception of the day, Mark Sanchez smiles and says, “I’m the starting quarterback. The team has no other choice.” Rams 24, Jets 13

BYE AT TITANS – On average, Chris Johnson has a good week.

SAINTS AT RAIDERS – The Saints are on a roll and the Raiders stink. Classic trap game for a team with no defense. Raiders 30, Saints 28

CHARGERS AT BRONCOS – Norv Turner designs plays for Philip Rivers to throw to both cornerbacks, both safeties and any time a backup linebacker appears. Broncos 31, Chargers 20

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – How real is Andrew Luck? He marches into Foxboro and beats Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. For real. Actually, it’s the Patriots defense that is really bad. Colts 33, Patriots 30

RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ben Roethlisberger, frightened by his injury, begins his memoir, “My Best Pickup Lines.” Ray Lewis calls the cable company and is put on infinite hold.
Ravens 27, Steelers 13

BEARS AT 49ers – Backup, or forward? The 49ers are in better shape, but the Bears are in better shape than last year. Jay Campbell will win some games. Not this game, but some games. 49ers 21, Bears 17

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To ensure that these week 11 NFL picks are safe, you are going to have to let me touch your junk. Hey, don’t blame the junk toucher. I was hired by the government. This was the only job I could find.

On the other side of my grimy hands are week 11 NFL picks. It’s like getting a ticket out of here, I know. So as part of the new security rules let me ask you this: Do you come here often? What’s your sign? Do you like long walks on the beach?

If you don’t want me to touch your junk, you can walk through the security scanner. The dial today is set somewhere between Three Mile Island and Chernobyl. I am sorry. The Hiroshima setting used the last time you went for NFL picks was an operator mistake. 

Yes, I know that you can’t wait to find out about Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady, and whether Colt McCoy can continue to look like a legitimate NFL quarterback. If you will just turn your head to the left and cough, we are almost finished.

Now wait one minute while I chug another can of Four Loco. My boss thinks its soda. Burp!  Whew, that’s the only way I can do this job. Now proceed down the line to that man holding Vaseline and wearing latex gloves and you’ll almost be at your week 11 NFL picks. Oh sure, we’ll mail your underwear back to you. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

BEARS AT DOLPHINS – Tyler Thigpen is better than either one of the hanging Chads. Dolphins 26, Bears 17

RAVENS AT PANTHERS – When Ray Lewis visits a Carolina barbecue, there is an unfortunate incident involving a pig. On Sunday, the Ravens consume the Panthers as if they were barbecued. Ravens 24, Panthers 14

BILLS AT BENGALS – Carson Palmer, who is giving a football to everyone in America for Christmas, takes time out to win at least one game. Terrell Owens helps, as do the bad news Bills. Bengals 26, Bills 21

LIONS AT COWBOYS – As a gift to fans from Jerry Jones personal stash, everyone at the stadium gets a free butter statue of Wade Phillips. Cowboys 27, Lions 20

BROWNS AT JAGUARS – Miscommunication causes the Jaguars to count on their “Hail Larry” play. Colt McCoy has his best game yet. Browns 34, Jaguars 20

CARDINALS AT CHIEFS – Todd Haley has figured out how to motivate people. He refuses to shake hands with his players. He also refuses to talk to them. They respond by playing a great game. Chiefs 31, Cardinals 10

PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson gone wild. Vikings 29, Packers 21

TEXANS AT JETS – In overtime, Santonio Holmes scores on what is called a “blunt route.” Jets 26, Texans 19

RAIDERS AT STEELERS – The Raiders should fall this week but I instead expect Richard Seymour to fall on Ben Roethlisberger. Raiders 21, Steelers 20

REDSKINS AT TITANS – Hey Donovan, want to sign a $799 kerjillion million billion zillion contract? Fine print? No, there’s no fine print. Titans 27, Redskins 23

SEAHAWKS AT SAINTS – I want Lynyrd Skynyrd to appear on stage wearing “Call me Da Brees” jerseys. Saints 41, Seahawks 21

BUCCANEERS AT 49ers – I am a big Troy Smith believer. I also believe in bumps in the road. And chocolate chip cookies. I have a lot of faith in the healing power of chocolate chip cookies. Buccaneers 20, 49ers 13

FALCONS AT RAMS – The Falcons are starting to get respect. But not from me. Rams 23, Falcons 20

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – It’s fourth down and the Patriots have the ball on their own 1. Bill Belichick signals he is going for it. Hearts are pounding. They get the first down. The next fourth down they go for it again. He refuses to punt the entire game. Patriots 35, Colts 34

GIANTS AT EAGLES – “We were like pit bulls, ready to get out of the cage,” said Michael Vick’s teammate, DeSean Jackson. I have nothing to add. Eagles 24, Giants 20

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Josh McDaniels dog refuses to shake his hand. Chargers 43, Broncos 27

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This column is sponsored by earmarks that don’t hurt your ears.