These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.

Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.

I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?

It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.

What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.

So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!

Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?

I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.

Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.

Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT LIONS – A long time ago, the Lions always seemed to have magic on Thanksgiving. This time, there is no magic, just a team on short rest coming out of an overtime game. Lions 27, Texans 24

REDSKINS AT COWBOYS – Tony Romo is Mr. November. Cowboys 31, Redskins 22

PATRIOTS AT JETS – In the fourth quarter Tom Brady throws five touchdown passes as Rex Ryan melts like the witch in the Wizard of Oz. Patriots 70, Jets 10

STEELERS AT BROWNS – After last week’s visit to a previously unknown corner of Cleveland sports hell, I am giving thanks that the Steelers are on their third string quarterback. It’s almost a fair match now. Browns 30, Steelers 10

BILLS AT COLTS – The Colts got beat up by New England last week, but Buffalo is not New England any more than this week is last week. Colts 27, Bills 24

RAIDERS AT BENGALS – It turns out that Carson Palmer’s holdout never ended. He plays, but he’s holding out. Bengals 23, Raiders 13

VIKINGS AT BEARS – I always give grief to Jay Cutler. But then I saw Jason Campbell play. Still unknown on Cutler, but I say he plays and the Bears win. Bears 26, Vikings 20

TITANS AT JAGUARS – All aboard the Chad Henne express. Jaguars 24, Titans 17

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – The Falcons are a better team but the Buccaneers feel hotter. Buccaneers 37, Falcons 30

SEAHAWKS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill outplays Russell Wilson, mostly because Reggie Bush decides to show up. Dolphins 23, Seahawks 13

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Hillary Clinton is called in to help stop the carnage. Broncos 45, Chiefs 13

RAVENS AT CHARGERS – Ray Lewis has a tryptophan overdose. Ed Reed throws $50,000 out the window, and then he hits himself in the head. For no reason at all…. Chargers 31, Ravens 20

49ers AT SAINTS – Colin Kaepernick looked ridiculously good on Monday night. Drew Brees looks that way every week. And Jim Harbaugh just screwed up the season. Saints 35, 49ers 13

RAMS AT CARDINALS – How did the Cardinals beat the Patriots in New England, and why didn’t I know that that was the only given Sunday. Rams 20, Cardinals 10

PACKERS AT GIANTS – One train is going north. One train is stalled. Packers 30. Giants 17

PANTHERS AT EAGLES – Andy Reid’s mustache holds a press conference declaring Andy has quit but it is sticking around to finish out the season. Panthers 36, Eagles 3

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This column is sponsored by the bathroom.

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Please check out this excerpt from Chapter 1 of Conquering The North Face: Leader or Bully; There Are Consequences

Please buy Conquering The North Face

Thank you!

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Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.

The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.

Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.

The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.

The turkey admits the following facts:

1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”

The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:

1) turkey tastes good

The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.

The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.

Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.”

PACKERS AT LIONS – The Packers aren’t winning every game this year. The Lions will show the NFL something on Thanksgiving. The Packers are a better team, but not this turkey day. Aaron Rodgers is human when pressured. Lions 37, Packers 27

DOLPHINS AT COWBOYS – Matt Moore’s bubble bursts in Dallas, where Tony Regular-Season Romo continues his November dominance. Cowboys 34, Dolphins 10.

49eRS AT RAVENS – Two brothers coaching against each other means a vase gets broken and the upholstery on the sofa gets ripped. Those kids! Jim was a better player, therefore he’s a better coach. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis overdoses on tryptophan. 49ers 20, Ravens 17

TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Matt Leinart versus Blaine Gabbart is a matchup that no one will be fondly recalling years from now. Texans 12, Jaguars 9

PANTHERS AT COLTS – The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. The Colts are trying to win. Panthers 28, Colts 17

BROWNS AT BENGALS – For half the season Colt McCoy liked like a career backup with  wobbly, inaccurate passes, and then last week he looked almost like Drew Brees. In my Shangri-La, McCoy is a great quarterback and Andy Dalton is not. Browns 28, Bengals 21

VIKINGS AT FALCONS – The Vikings are going nowhere and the Falcons help them get there. Falcons 32, Vikings 14

BILLS AT JETS – At Thanksgiving dinner, Rex Ryan flips the bird, but the Bills are turkeys without Fred Jackson. Jets 20, Bills 12

BUCCANEERS AT TITANS – LeGarrette Blount is the brand name of a bulldozer. Buccaneers 23, Titans 20

CARDINALS AT RAMS – Tough to pick between Sam Bradford and John Skelton, and that says more about Bradford than it does about Skelton. Rams 14, Cardinals 9

BEARS AT RAIDERS – Caleb Hanie shines. Carson Palmer implodes. The Bears have Cinderella for one week. Bears 24, Raiders 21

REDSKINS AT SEAHAWKS – The Redskins can usually find a way to lose. Rex Grossman helps the cause, as will Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 20, Redskins 17

BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – What do you call someone who prays for Tim Tebow to lose? Broncos 17, Chargers 14

PATRIOTS AT EAGLES – The Patriots are way more than a mirage but a little less than the real thing. The Eagles are a nightmare. Patriots 30, Eagles 19

STEELERS AT CHIEFS – Tyler Palko sees Kyle Orton and thinks “this guy couldn’t even beat out Tim Tebow.” Steelers 27, Chiefs 10

GIANTS AT SAINTS – Eli Manning is good but Drew Brees is better. Brees also has better weapons and Karma. Saints 29, Giants 23

This column is sponsored by gravy.

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These week 12 NFL Picks can’t dance, but they are related to a turkey. For those of you hating on these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey, now is your last chance to shoot your television before these NFL picks flip you the middle finger.

Let the dancing begin. First up are Brad Childress and Brett Favre dancing to the song, “Taps.” Gosh, that was inspirational.

Now, Vince Young and Jeff Fisher will perform a literal version of The Nutcracker. Ouch.

Finally, these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey are going to perform a lovely dance in which one is going to die, get cooked, and then eaten. Sort of like the previous two dances.

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

PATRIOTS AT LIONS – Lion at Thanksgiving again? Aw Grandma, can’t we ever have a turkey? Patriots 34, Lions 20

SAINTS AT COWBOYS – Wade Phillips is reincarnated as a dead turkey, and then as the recurring spirit of this year’s Cowboy’s team. Saints 36, Cowboys 13

BENGALS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez won’t need to climb out of a phone booth this week. Jets 27, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Schadenfreude is a good word. Redskins 23, Vikings 20

STEELERS AT BILLS – The Bills lose the game, but first take turns slapping Ben Roethlisberger upside the head. Steelers 23, Bills 14

TITANS AT TEXANS – Vince Young is replaced by Neil Young. Texans 26, Titans 19

JAGUARS AT GIANTS – Eli dives and doesn’t fumble. Maurice Jones-Drew discovers what it is like to be tackled. Giants 25, Jaguars 18

PANTHERS AT BROWNS – Peyton Hillis carries the balls 35 times. The Browns quarterback, whatshisname, hardly needs to throw. Grandma suffers a high ankle sprain delivering the turkey. Browns 28, Panthers 19

BUCCANEERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis makes it over the river, but he doesn’t get through the woods. Surprisingly, the Ravens don’t get to Grandma’s house either. Buccaneers 23, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BEARS – Mike Vick running reckless is scary. Fun, but scary. I predict he plays less than MVP-like this week. Bears 24, Eagles 21

PACKERS AT FALCONS – If Brett Favre hadn’t sucked all the oxygen out of the media, someone would have noticed these two young quarterbacks. Packers 26, Falcons 24

DOLPHINS AT RAIDERS – The Raiders confuse me, but I’m now a Richard Seymour fan. Raiders 19, Dolphins 16

CHIEFS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll tars and feathers himself as an inspirational halftime stunt. Seahawks 26, Chiefs 13

RAMS AT BRONCOS – Brady Quinn is named the Broncos starting, um, waterboy. Tim Tebow is named Tim Tebow. Broncos 24, Rams 20

CHARGERS AT COLTS – After God created beer, He invented the NFL. Games like this are why. Chargers 29, Colts 27

49ers AT CARDINALS – No one is giving thanks for this game. Yeah, Happy Thanksfornothing. Cardinals 10, 49ers 9

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This column is sponsored by stuff that happened 20 years ago, and alcohol.