Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Meet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – The Nightmare Team will give up exactly 148 yards to Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 31, Eagles 14

TITANS AT BILLS – As soon as I jumped on the Buffalo bandwagon, the whole thing fell apart. That’s heavy. Titans 20, Bills 13

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are favored by 20.5 points. That’s like Wall Street versus Occupy Wall Street. If this was grade school, the slaughter rule would be in effect. Patriots 49, Colts 19

JETS AT REDSKINS – Journeyman Rex Grossman outplays soon-to-be journeyman Mark Sanchez. Redskins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are horrible, but they can’t lose six straight. Can they? Buccaneers 24, Panthers 21

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Late in the game, Andy Dalton will drive the surprising Bengals down the field to take the lead, but then Ben Roethlisberger will do the same to give the evil Steelers the win. Steelers 21, Bengals 17

CHIEFS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton puts on a black shirt and tries to sneak to the Bears sideline. Bears 13, Chiefs 7

FALCONS AT TEXANS – And that, kids, is how the legend of T.J. Yates began. Texans 30, Falcons 20

RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Something still doesn’t feel right about the Raiders’ karma, and the Dolphins have found out how to win enough this year to hurt next year’s draft. Dolphins 23, Raiders 20

BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – The Broncos defense dominates and Tim Tebow gets the credit and tons more press across the league. A small country in east Asia renames itself Tebowland. Broncos 20, Vikings 7

RAVENS AT BROWNS – The Baltimore Ravens existence is a forever a travesty, therefore Peyton Hillis shall play as if he is deserving of the cover of Madden. Ray Lewis eats bad  airline food. Browns 24, Ravens 20

RAMS AT 49ers – If the Rams pull an upset, the NFL makes no sense. The NFL makes sense, and logic for a 49ers win is overwhelming. 49ers 28, Rams 10.

PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers season is like an old-fashioned Midwest assembly line. Next… Packers 34, Giants 20

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS – Kevin Kolb, Beanie Wells, and Tony Romo’s mistakes put an end to the Dallas winning streak. Cardinals 29, Cowboys 24

LIONS AT SAINTS – Mark Ingram, Pierre Thomas and Darren Sproles do some Suggesturizing of their own. Saints 32, Lions 17

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS – Norv Turner has Jack Del Rio envy. Jaguars 12, Chargers 10

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This column is sponsored by Northerners for Global Warming.

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Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT EAGLES – At halftime, Andre Johnson fights Manny Pacquiao. Eagles 30, Texans 20

SAINTS AT BENGALS – In the reality show language that the Bengals traffic in, the Saints will treat the Bengals like Sarah Palin treats a halibut. Saints 35, Bengals 21

BEARS AT LIONS – When everyone starts saying the Jay Cutler Bears are playing great, they are sure to lose. Lions 24, Bears 17

49ers AT PACKERS – The Mike Singletary post game press conference has Coors Lite commercial written all over it. Packers 50, 49ers 12

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – As an early Christmas present, Charlie Weiss gives Josh McDaniels a Notre Dame tie. Then Romeo Crennel gives McDaniels a Cleveland Browns coffee mug. Afterward, they make plans to watch the Patriots game. Chiefs 31, Broncos 28

BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Jake Delhomme sees that the offensive game plane calls for his first three throws to be interceptions. “Get them out of the way early,” says Coach Mangini. Browns 33, Dolphins 22

BILLS AT VIKINGS – The Vikings call on Touchdown Toby Gerhart to run over the Bills. Vikings 28, Bills 19

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – The Wikileaks site revealed that Donovan McNabb is actually a diplomatic spy who spends more time concentrating on espionage than studying the playbook. Giants 25, Redskins 18

JAGUARS AT TITANS – The brilliant Randy Moss left Tom Brady for Rusty Smith. That is a hilarious sentence. Jaguars 21, Titans 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – Proclamations that Jason Campbell is the savior were premature. Chargers 33, Raiders 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – Karma means losing by a last second field goal. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 21

RAMS AT CARDINALS – Derek Anderson cracks me up. Rams 24, Cardinals 12

COWBOYS AT COLTS – So it’s all over for Peyton Manning, huh? Colts 29, Cowboys 19

PANTHERS AT SEAHAWKS – Jimmy Clausen plays just well enough to make the Panthers think about passing on Andrew Luck. Good luck with that. Seahawks 27, Panthers 23

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ed Reed intercepts Ben Roethlisberger and scores on the last play of the game. Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Ravens 27, Steelers 17

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick and Rob Ryan plan to remake all of Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin movies. Patriots 27, Jets 25

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This column is sponsored by Qatar Guitars & Gutters.