These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – The Little League “mercy rule” is invoked, after Carson Palmer spends the day as Santa Claus, giving away gifts. Broncos 35, Raiders 10

CHIEFS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli walk into a bar. Wouldn’t you? Brandon Weeden, Trent Richardson and Josh Gordon are maybe, hopefully, possibly, could be old-school football triplets. Browns 40, Chiefs 20

RAMS AT BILLS – The Rams are almost good. The Bills are almost bad. Rams 24, Bills 20

RAVENS AT REDSKINS – RGIII is looking more like a magician every week. He might even be good enough to counteract Daniel Snyder’s bad karma. Ray Lewis attends a lifeguard party, and drowns. Redskins 21, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – A random drawing is held to see who the Eagles fire next. Everyone wants to “win” that lottery. Buccaneers 31, Eagles 13

CHARGERS AT STEELERS – It’s Charlie Batch’s world; people in Pittsburgh just live in it. Steelers 27, Chargers 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson has an old school OJ Simpson kind of game. Not even Christian Ponder can mess that up. Vikings 28, Bears 17

FALCONS  AT PANTHERS – NASA is keeping track of Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. Falcons 42, Panthers 30

COWBOYS AT BENGALS – In a battle of the extremely mediocre, the Bengals are hot so they are due to lose. Cowboys 24, Bengals 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember the Titans? Didn’t think so. Colts 27, Titans 20

JETS AT JAGUARS – In the second quarter, Mark Sanchez is replaced by Woody Allen, who throws two touchdown passes and then says, “I wouldn’t play for any team that would have me as quarterback.” Jets 26, Jaguars 23

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s bust for the Hall of Fame is commissioned in butter. 49ers 26, Dolphins 14

SAINTS AT GIANTS – The Saints have run out of gas. Plus it’s December so the sleeping Giants are waking up. Giants 33, Saints 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson wins a midget throwing contest. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

LIONS AT PACKERS – Ndamukong Suh is nominated for Secretary of State. Packers 40, Lions 33

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots use the old Decoy Bacon play, in which fat lineman chase a ball carrier who doesn’t really have the ball. Patriots 35, Texans 20

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This column is sponsored by Fans For Linebackers With Guns.
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If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t  remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – NBA commissioner David Stern voids Thursday’s game, and awards the Browns the victory. Browns 100, Steelers 0

COLTS AT RAVENS – The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is considering helping the Colts. Ray Lewis has fatal hiccups. Ravens 35, Colts 10

PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS – This is for the Albert Haynesworth Trophy – a box of nothing. Patriots 28, Redskins 20

SAINTS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson is brilliant again, but the Saints offense is better. Saints 29, Titans 24

CHIEFS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez throws an interception and Tyler Palko throws a touchdown pass because I want Palko to be better than Sanchez. Chiefs 20, Jets 17.

EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins went from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to good luck beating this team in less than two months. Dolphins 24, Eagles 21

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – His team stinks, but Cam Newton is already better than Matt Ryan. In this game, his team is better too. Panthers 27, Falcons 20

TEXANS AT BENGALS – Two teams going up the bell curve, but there’s only one T.J. Yates. Texans 20, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford takes himself in fantasy football. Lions 37, Vikings 20

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 16

BEARS AT BRONCOS – John Elway is developing Tebow envy. Broncos 17, Bears 13

49ers AT CARDINALS – Beanie Wells may take advantage of Patrick Willis absence, but the Alex Smith offense will be efficient enough to win. 49ers 24, Cardinals 15

RAIDERS AT PACKERS – The Packers are having the quietest perfect season ever. Ho hum, the Packers win again… Packers 32, Raiders 22

BILLS AT CHARGERS – Every year I jump on a bandwagon. The Bills ran the shoddiest bandwagon I’ve ever been on. I apologize for such an amateur move. Chargers 33, Bills 17

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Ahmad Bradshaw is back, and he is a very good football player. Giants 24, Cowboys 19

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll writes a Seahawks fight song that the team sings before every game. Seahawks 20, Rams 19

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This column is sponsored by bacon.