These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.

I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.

Mitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.

Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.

But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.

That’s why I am undecided in Ohio.

This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.

The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?

But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen.

BUCCANEERS AT VIKINGS – Some prognosticators see the future. I see the past. Buccaneers 36, Vikings 17

CHARGERS AT BROWNS – The best prescription for a Browns team that does not know how to win is to play a team coached by Norv Turner, because that guy knows how to lose.  The offense is due to explode, and the Lerner black cloud is fading away. Browns 32, Chargers 21

BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis decides during his rehab by trying to beat Felix Baumgartner’s skydiving record by jumping out of a plane without a parachute or a pressure suit. It inspires the defense, and it shows.

SEAHAWKS AT LIONS – Russell Wilson has struggled on the road and the Lions desperately need a win. But I am a contrarian. Plus the Seahawks just feel like the better team. Seahawks 24, Lions 17

JAGUARS AT PACKERS – By the end of it, the United Nations passes a resolution condemning the Packers. Packers 53, Jaguars 13

BYE AT BILLS – Ralph Wilson, who is now 94 years old, will be running the scout team in practice because that’s what owners do.

DOLPHINS AT JETS – It’s almost like Rex Ryan is deflated this year. No, it’s exactly like that. Dolphins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BEARS – Last year, Cam Newton was on top of the world. This year, he’s been possessed by Vince Young. He makes Jay Cutler look like a happy guy. After this game, Jay Cutler will be a happy guy. Bears 23, Panthers 10

BYE AT BENGALS – Mike Brown’s plan is working perfectly. His plan? Don’t have a plan.

FALCONS AT EAGLES – The undefeated Falcons have beaten a bunch of average teams. The Eagles are an average team. You do the math, because I failed math. Eagles 23, Falcons 20

COLTS AT TITANS – I hear there is a new Chris Johnson zombie movie out. Titans 25, Colts 23

BYE AT TEXANS – The Texans offense refuels its unmanned drones.

PATRIOTS AT RAMS IN LONDON – Why is this game in London? I hope they don’t send us soccer games. Patriots 31, Rams 21

REDSKINS AT STEELERS – I like RGIII. I hate the Steelers. Las Vegas doesn’t give you logic like that. Redskins 27, Steelers 20

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Maybe the Chiefs can run on the Raiders, but not enough. Brady Quinn plays garbage time for the Chiefs… the rest of the season. Raiders 31, Chiefs 17

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Eli Manning is at the peak of his career, calm and confident. And the Giants look like they are rolling. Giants 31, Cowboys 27

SAINTS AT BRONCOS – The Saints are getting on a roll but nevertheless, gentleman start the scoreboard. On your mark, get set, kickoff. Get down in the starting blocks for the sprint. 45, Broncos 42

49ers AT CARDINALS – Two pretty good teams that are pretty hard to figure out except that this game probably isn’t going to be pretty. 49ers 14, Cardinals 9

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Rick Perry, dressed in a Tim Tebow jersey for the Halloween GOP debate, proclaimed his  week 8 NFL picks to be his economic plan. “Trick or treat,” he said. A choir brandishing handguns and wearing New York Jets helmets sang holy halleluiahs behind him. Perry said he would choose Rex Ryan as his running mate.

Michele Bachman only wanted to talk about Tim Tebow. She declared that Tebow was her personal savior in her fantasy football league. Bachman said her belief in Tebow would always guide her NFL picks once she moved into the White House and painted it to look like Tebow’s #15 jersey.

Herman Cain, wearing a customized 9-9-9 Tebow Jersey, declared that week 8 in the NFL is like apples compared to week 9, which is like oranges. Then he said that Tim Tebow is like pizza.

Every Republican at the debate, with the exception of Ron Paul, wore a Tim Tebow jersey and each declared that Barack Obama was not a true Tebow fan. Rick Santorum yelled, “I am wearing a Tim Tebow jersey!”

Mitt Romney wore a Tebow jersey, but underneath it he wore an Kyle Orton jersey just in case he needed to change his mind again. Newt Gingrich asked people to buy his new book about Tim Tebow. Jon Huntsman said something but no one paid attention to anything except that he, also, wore a Tebow jersey.

Ron Paul smirked and said that, “It’s time for you people to face reality. Tim Tebow is not a viable NFL quarterback.”

That’s whatzgonnahappen.

VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – I was going to study hard and come up with an educated prediction for this game, but Donovan McNabb suggested I just wing it. Panthers, 27, Vikings 20

SAINTS AT RAMS – The Saints score 50 points by halftime and declare the second half to be an extra bye week. Saints 50, Rams 14

BYE AT FALCONS – Tony Gonzalez catches a cab. Then he catches a movie.

COLTS AT TITANS – The Colts are winning until the last seconds when Jim Irsay calls the Buffalo Wild Wings hotline to keep him in the hunt for Andrew Luck. Titans 21, Colts 20.

CARDINALS AT RAVENS – The occupy Ray Lewis movement has a casualty. Kevin Kolb could be called that as well. Ravens 27, Cardinals 16

BYE AT BEARS – Matt Forte becomes a squeegee man to make ends meet.

DOLPHINS AT GIANTS – Eli Manning looks at the schedule and sees this week’s game printed on a big cardboard check. Yes, he is a sweepstakes winner. Giants 23, Dolphins 17

JAGUARS AT TEXANS – Maurice Jones Drew versus the Houston Texans. Is that fair? Texans 27, Jaguars 17

BYE AT PACKERS – The best team in the NFL has very impressively avoided the cliché Super Bowl hangover.

LIONS AT BRONCOS – Ndamukong Suh is Tebowing after every sack. Lions 34, Broncos 10

REDSKINS AT BILLS at TORONTO – Ryan Fitzpatrick will have a big day and the Bills should win by 10 or so, depending on the cross-border touchdown exchange rate. Bills 30, Redskins 20

BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan takes over as CEO of Apple and invents the iMouth, which tells Rex Ryan that he could have done anything he hasn’t done.

BROWNS AT 49ers – On recent Sundays, Peyton Hillis played Madden while Colt McCoy was channeling his inner Charlie Frye. But I’m not buying the Alex Smith resurgence. Pat Shurmur has more fun shaking hands than Jim Harbaugh. Browns 19, 49ers 17

PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Bombs away in a fun shootout. Patriots 45, Steelers 41

BYE AT RAIDERS – After last weeks’ debacle, the Raiders try something different. They introduce the quarterback to the team before the next game. “This is Carson. Everyone say ‘hi’ to Carson.”

BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Josh Freeman presents the David Letterman Top 10 List – “My Top 10 interceptions so far.”

BENGALS AT SEAHAWKS – Andy Dalton has a nightmare game when it suddenly dawns on him that he is a Bengal. Seahawks 23, Bengals 6

COWBOYS AT EAGLES – DeMarco Murray will have some big plays the but Eagles will have more. And Tony Romo will flounder while Michael Vick finishes. Eagles 27, Cowboys 22

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – It’s always tough to play in Kansas City but the Chargers are due to explode. Chargers 35, Chiefs 24

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