Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl. Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen.

BYE AT BROWNS – Like Joe Namath, I guarantee the Cleveland Browns will not lose the Super Bowl. Now that Vince Lombardi is the general manager, it’s only a matter of time before they are hanging a banner from the ceiling. A championship banner, or Joe Banner.

SUPER BOWL XLVII – RAVENS VERSUS 49ERS

The original electric football game played decades ago between the Harbaugh brothers had the 49ers winning, followed by the coaches wrestling and breaking Mom’s favorite vase. Ray Lewis announces a new promotion with Papa John’s – they’ll give a free pizza away for every murder he gets away with. I’ll have two pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese, please.

PREGAME – Roger Goodell is given the key to the city of New Orleans, but it turns out to be a bad key. It doesn’t fit and he can’t get in. The good key was given to Alicia Keyes. She sings the national anthem as a duet with Mantei Teo’s girlfriend, who prerecorded her vocals.

COIN FLIP – The $1 Trillion Commemorative Government Debt Coin comes up tails. By law, this makes the coin worth $2 Trillion. Problem solved, until the coin is stolen by former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. The NFC team, the 49ers, win the coin flip because that’s the way the coin is made.

FIRST QUARTER – LaMichael James watches the kickoff sail out of the end zone. A “Kaepernicking” Alex Smith misses as he tries to trip Colin Kaepernick running onto the field. Trying to explain the 49ers offense, Phil Simms uses the word “pistol” so many times that the NRA elects him president. But Ray Lewis proves worthy of stopping a speeding bullet in its tracks. Kaepernick has jitters. After a punt, Ray Rice goes to work for five plays until the 49ers are ready for him. That’s when Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith on a long bomb. (Ravens 7, 49ers 0) So another kickoff to LaMichael James, who this time shoots tho ball down as if it is a clay pigeon and then returns it to the 35. He thanks Phil Simms, President of the National Rifle Association. On the ensuing drive, Kaepernick and Frank Gore run the 49ers into field goal range.  Ravens 7, 49ers 3

SECOND QUARTER – Jacoby Jones, having seen LaMichael James clay pigeon strategy, employs a butterfly net to snare the ball on the kickoff. After all that effort, he only gets the ball back to the 12-yard line, proving the wisdom of the Second Amendment. Backed up, the Ravens stall and punt. Then the 49ers do the same. The field position game has begun and the 49ers pin the Ravens back by the goal line again. But after one 10-yard Ray Rice run, Joe Flacco comes out throwing. Anquan Boldin does the catching. Over the middle, down the sidelines. In the end zone. (Ravens 14, 49ers 3) As the Ravens score the second touchdown, Jim Harbaugh calls his Mom to tell her how John broke her vase. But then Colin Kaepernick breaks off a run and slices through Ray Lewis and the Ravens defense like a murderous knife.  Ravens 14, 49ers 10

HALFTIME – Beyonce is followed by a committee of Republicans trying to find a way to impeach Obama for her lip-synching at the inauguration. So she puts them in the halftime show as dancers. Eric Cantor and John Boehner are so flamboyantly spectacular that no one buys anything sold in any $4 million commercials. Singlehandedly, Cantor’s and Boehner’s artistry destroy the American economy but they call it a success because Beyonce is now the only one in the country with money, and she is obviously a job creator.

THIRD QUARTER – All eleven Ravens on the kickoff team have assault weapons to shoot the kickoff down. The largest piece of the ball is recovered by the Ravens at their own 41-yard line. But Joe Flacco, under heavy pressure, throws the ball to Patrick Willis, who runs it to the Ravens 20. Frank Gore than gores the Ray Lewis defense, and Michael Crabtree makes a spectacular touchdown catch. The 49ers take their first lead of the game. (49ers 17, Ravens 14) The Ravens are ready with a North Korean missile to shoot down the kickoff, but the missile malfunctions. Taking the ball at their own 20, they ride Ray Rice and a short, patient passing game on 15-play drive ending with a two-yard Rice touchdown run. Ravens 21, 49ers 17

FOURTH QUARTER – The 49ers build a Death Star to shoot the football out of the sky and into the hands of LaMichael James, who runs the ball back to the Ravens 33-yard line. By mistake, the Death Star shoots two shots, and one hits Ray Lewis right between the eyes. Jim Harbaugh does a shout out to No-Soul Nerdy McGeek, his special teams consultant from Silicon Valley. On the first play after the kickoff, Kaepernick throw a perfect pass to Randy Moss in the corner of the end zone. (49ers 24, Ravens 21) Moss yells out, “I wish I was a New England Patriot.” On the next kickoff, the criminals from the cast of The Wire take aim at the football as if it just stole all the crack in Baltimore. Jacoby Jones returns the ball to the 47-yard line. And after two small Ray Rice Runs, Joe Flacco hits Torrey Smith wide open and in stride. Ravens 28, 49ers 24.

FINAL SCORE; Ravens 28, 49ers 24

POSTGAME: The Baltimore Ravens are world champions. Ray Lewis is named MVP. Art Modell is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. All of this proves that God, the sports fan, hates Cleveland.

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These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT EAGLES – Paper bag head coverings required at all Eagle games. Bengals 34, Eagles 13

REDSKINS AT BROWNS – Robert Griffin III, or Kirk Cousins, gets smothered by the Browns defense. Josh Gordon, already the best Browns receiver in decades, scores three touchdowns. Browns Super Bowl parade plans begin to take shape. Browns 40, Redskins 20

GIANTS AT FALCONS – One team has a backbone, and the other is the Falcons. Giants 31, Falcons 21

VIKINGS AT RAMS – Adrian Peterson is super awesome. Sam Bradford is better than adequate. But Christian Ponder is Santa Claus, giving the game away. Rams 17, Vikings 14

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Jonathan Vilma, A Football Life, coming soon on The NFL Network. Saints 51, Buccaneers 41

JAGUARS AT DOLPHINS – I suppose people in Florida care about this, but if I’m in Florida and this game is going on, I am heading to the beach with the radio off. Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17

COLTS AT TEXANS – The Colts and Texans compare We-got-our-ass-whipped-by-the-Patriots notes. Texans 30, Colts 23

PACKERS AT BEARS – For me, the Packers remain the most dangerous team in the NFC. The Bears, at times, can be almost that good. Packers 40, Bears 38

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – Fire the offensive coordinator? Check. Win? Win? Bueller? And then Ray Lewis is mugged by a gang mall elves. Broncos 25, Ravens 23

PANTHERS AT CHARGERS – The sun sets in the west. Panthers 29, Chargers 23

SEAHAWKS AT BILLS – In my gut, I feel an upset. Either that, or someone fed me bad bacon. Bills 24, Seahawks 17

LIONS AT CARDINALS – No sane person would pick the Cardinals to win. Cardinals 24, Lions 20

CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – At halftime, the two teams throw rocks at each other. Raiders 9, Chiefs 6

STEELERS AT COWBOYS – Two very untrustworthy teams. Overall, the Cowboys should be better. Yeah, middle of December against a peripheral AFC playoff team is about as big of a win as the Cowboys are capable of. Cowboys 27, Steelers 24

49ers AT PATRIOTS – For the last few weeks, it’s been all red carpets and roses for the Patriots offense. This may be a little tougher of a game, but watching Tom Brady is like watching Michael Jordan. Awwwww and then some. Patriots 30, 49ers 17

JETS AT TITANS – This is what passes for Monday Night Football – another Sanchez butt tackle? Another American institution in ruins. Titans 21, Jets 20

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These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BRONCOS AT RAIDERS – The Little League “mercy rule” is invoked, after Carson Palmer spends the day as Santa Claus, giving away gifts. Broncos 35, Raiders 10

CHIEFS AT BROWNS – Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli walk into a bar. Wouldn’t you? Brandon Weeden, Trent Richardson and Josh Gordon are maybe, hopefully, possibly, could be old-school football triplets. Browns 40, Chiefs 20

RAMS AT BILLS – The Rams are almost good. The Bills are almost bad. Rams 24, Bills 20

RAVENS AT REDSKINS – RGIII is looking more like a magician every week. He might even be good enough to counteract Daniel Snyder’s bad karma. Ray Lewis attends a lifeguard party, and drowns. Redskins 21, Ravens 20

EAGLES AT BUCCANEERS – A random drawing is held to see who the Eagles fire next. Everyone wants to “win” that lottery. Buccaneers 31, Eagles 13

CHARGERS AT STEELERS – It’s Charlie Batch’s world; people in Pittsburgh just live in it. Steelers 27, Chargers 23

BEARS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson has an old school OJ Simpson kind of game. Not even Christian Ponder can mess that up. Vikings 28, Bears 17

FALCONS  AT PANTHERS – NASA is keeping track of Matt Ryan to Julio Jones. Falcons 42, Panthers 30

COWBOYS AT BENGALS – In a battle of the extremely mediocre, the Bengals are hot so they are due to lose. Cowboys 24, Bengals 21

TITANS AT COLTS – Remember the Titans? Didn’t think so. Colts 27, Titans 20

JETS AT JAGUARS – In the second quarter, Mark Sanchez is replaced by Woody Allen, who throws two touchdown passes and then says, “I wouldn’t play for any team that would have me as quarterback.” Jets 26, Jaguars 23

DOLPHINS AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s bust for the Hall of Fame is commissioned in butter. 49ers 26, Dolphins 14

SAINTS AT GIANTS – The Saints have run out of gas. Plus it’s December so the sleeping Giants are waking up. Giants 33, Saints 20

CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson wins a midget throwing contest. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 10

LIONS AT PACKERS – Ndamukong Suh is nominated for Secretary of State. Packers 40, Lions 33

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots use the old Decoy Bacon play, in which fat lineman chase a ball carrier who doesn’t really have the ball. Patriots 35, Texans 20

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These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Okay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT FALCONS – Mathematically, the Falcons keep winning close games plus the Saints have some weird interception karma equals: Falcons 31, Saints 28

TEXANS AT TITANS – The Texans are coming off of a long rest, and the Titans are extremely mediocre. This is not any given Sunday, it’s this Sunday. Texans 32, Titans 10

COLTS AT LIONS – The Colts are chasing a playoff berth and the Lions are out, proving the NFL is unpredictable. Anyone who even tries to predict is an idiot. Colts 31, Lions 21

JAGUARS AT BILLS – Chad Henne went to Michigan. Tom Brady went to Michigan. See the similarity? Jaguars 27, Bills 24

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Bears eat Seahawks for breakfast. I saw it on the nature channel. Bears 23, Seahawks 13

49ers AT RAMS – When Alex Smith is 90, the future Kansas City Chief still won’t forgive Jim Harbaugh for ruining the best opportunity of his life. 49ers 31, Rams 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – I don’t understand either one of these teams, so I certainly can’t understand how Minnesota goes into Green Bay and wins, but they do. Vikings 27, Packers 20

PANTHERS AT CHIEFS – The mathematician Euclid proved Brady Quinn plus Peyton Hillis plus Romeo Crennel equals angry fans. Panthers 24, Chiefs 16

PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – The Patriots have scored 108 points in the last two weeks, so expect another average Patriots win. Patriots 54, Dolphins 20

CARDINALS AT JETS – Now that Fireman Ed has left, Tim Tebow finally has a place with the Jets… in the stands. Jets 20, Cardinals 17

BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS – I am always the last to notice things, but I think Peyton Manning is back. Broncos 42, Buccaneers 30

BROWNS AT RAIDERS – Jon Gruden moves to Lyndhurst and coaches Brush High, and therefore gets an ownership stake in the Browns. Browns 45, Raiders 21

BENGALS AT CHARGERS – It’s so bad in San Diego that at the end of the game, Norv Turner’s face finally melts like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Bengals 31, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Two weeks ago, Charlie Batch was taking dementia drugs in a retirement home. Ray Lewis early comeback is so inspirational that he decides to become a missionary, and that’s how he was captured and killed by pygmies. Ravens 24, Steelers 13

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The cliff-falling Eagles are in town. Even the Cowboys can’t screw this up. Cowboys 33, Eagles 3

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – There will be salsa dancing. Sacks. Spectacular plays by a spectacular rookie. Television loves it. The NFL loves it. You will love it. At it’s core, it’s a dirty rivalry reborn. Redskins 31, Giants 30

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These week 1 NFL Picks will now be ad-libbed by Clint Eastwood and a chair as if they were written by the Founding Fathers.

Clint Eastwood:     One of the founding fathers, Ben Franklin, George Washington or Ronald Reagan, wrote this. I mean, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Look, he has a chair. But this isn’t just a chair. Roger Goodell is sitting in it with a replacement referee sitting on his lap. I remember when Mr. Goodell was made NFL Commissioner and there was all sorts of hope and change. I thought this is great. Oprah is crying. I was even crying. He was a real sheriff.

But then I found out (talking to the chair) you hate the Cleveland Browns, and that’s why they stink. So Mr. Commissioner, how do you explain a decade of Cleveland Browns sucking, other than that you hate them? What other reason could there be that they stink? What have you got against the Cleveland Browns, Mr. Goodell? I don’t care that you haven’t even been in office for a decade. That’s not how MY facts work. And why is a replacement referee sitting on your lap?

Oh you said you’d be fair to the Saints, but where’s the evidence Mr. Goodell? You have evidence on the Saints, but you won’t show the evidence – or something like that. I don’t know. I heard something that might be true. I know there is a version of the truth out there that I like, and it makes me mad that Commissioner Goodell is too blind to see what I want to see. Scott Fujita, suspended for three games, plays for the Browns now and so he should be pardoned immediately.

I like to fire people. I mean, I like to fire at people, I mean I am fired up for the Cleveland Browns season. I am studying to become a born-again Mormon, and I want to marry a corporation as soon as the Church of Latter Day New Orleans Saints accepts me. I think I want to marry Apple, or maybe Sherwin Williams.

I know what you are thinking. Will the Cleveland Browns win five games or six this season? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kind of lost track of my pick myself. I am pretty sure it was more than five or six. But being this is a 16-game season, and the NFL season is the most awesome sports season in the world that can literally blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself this one question, do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk? You actually think the Cleveland Browns are not going to be the best team in the NFL this year? Go ahead, make my day.

Finally, I would like to offer a brief quote you can take out of context and then base your campaign, signs, and slogans around. Here’s whatzgonnahappen.

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – Even when the Giants are great, they are only great when it really counts. Sure game 1 counts in the record. But it’s not a playoff game. Cowboys 30, Giants 17

COLTS AT BEARS – Interesting and tough place for Andrew Luck to start his career. But until proven otherwise, I choose to believe he could have a Marino-like early career. Bears 27, Colts 17

PATRIOTS AT TITANS – Jake Locker has a good early game drive and then mistakes lead to Tom Brady doing what he does. Patriots 28, Titans 13

BILLS AT JETS – The Jets of Dysfunction Junction watch Fred Jackson score touchdowns. At least Jets fans can count on end-of-game Tebowing. Bills 21, Jets 20

REDSKINS AT SAINTS – Drew Brees, much like Clint Eastwood, brings an empty chair into the huddle and talks to Roger Goodell before every snap.  Saints 30, Redskins 20

JAGUARS AT VIKINGS – Young quarterbacks everywhere. Blame Gabbert outplays Christian Ponderous. Jaguars 17, Vikings 14

FALCONS AT CHIEFS – Peyton Hillis runs like a guy who deserved to be on the cover of Madden, not the guy who was cursed. The curse only lasts a year. Chiefs 25, Falcons 16

EAGLES AT BROWNS – New Browns owner Jimmy Haslam III hires weather engineers to  remove the Lerner dark cloud that has been hanging over Cleveland Browns stadium for a decade. Browns 29, Eagles 28

RAMS AT LIONS – Calvin Johnson’s DNA is ruled a Performance Enhancing Drug. Lions 24, Rams 13

DOLPHINS AT TEXANS – Last year was supposed to be the Super Bowl year, not the year of T.J. Yates. Texans 28, Dolphins 12

49ers AT PACKERS – The 49ers have added Randy Moss so they should be even better than last year. But Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are the most legitimate powerhouse in the NFL. Packers 26, 49ers 20

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – In recent years, Drew Brees and Michael Vick are the model for a small quarterback. Colt McCoy got a chance. Now it is Russell Wilson’s turn to fight the stereotype. On the other hand, John Skelton is a game manager. Cardinals 23, Seahawks 9

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – Cam Newton one year better is going to be fun to watch and scary to play against. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 12

STEELERS AT BRONCOS – On the first play, James Harrison hits Peyton Manning late, and then he Tebows next to Manning. Broncos 21, Steelers 18

BENGALS AT RAVENS – Andy Dalton to A.J. Green, and then he does it again. Ray Lewis vacations on Cape Cod and is eaten by a shark that thinks he tastes like seal. Bengals 23, Ravens 17

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – Interesting game. The Chargers remain, somehow, legitimate and, more surprising, the Raiders are too. Chargers 28, Raiders 20

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