These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are bulletproof, says me.  Trust me. I am the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre’s favorite gun.

And together we say that the Cleveland Browns won’t lose this NFL wildcard weekend. Got it?

Call me Crazy. No really, that’s my name. “I’ll show you crazy!” Wayne LaPierre likes to shout when he waves me around. Wayne LaPierre scares even me, and I am a gun. I think I need to buy a tank to protect myself. That’s legal, right?

I am currently hanging out at recess at the local elementary school, you know, to protect the kids. My trigger is getting itchy as I think about the upcoming Seahawks/Redskins game. I am so excited. I want to shoot at the sky as if I am at a fun Middle Eastern wedding. That’s also legal, right?

Two great young quarterbacks are in that Seattle/Washington game. Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson are young gunslingers. I am just like them, only I am a gun.

The worst two quarterbacks still playing this weekend are Christian Ponder and Joe Flacco. They are not just like me. They are like a bow and arrow. What’s the point of putting the likes of them in every kindergarten class in America?

The truth is that guns in schools is the first of a series of incremental steps necessary to make America safe. First small guns. Then big guns. Then tanks. Armed guards on rooftops, guarded by other armed guards in case any armed guards go rogue. In fact, the only way to make our schools truly safe is to arm each one with a nuclear weapon – you know, like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.

But why stop with schools?

The only way this country is ever really going to become safe again is if every man, woman and child in America is packing a nuclear weapon on their person. A sort of widespread theory of mutually assured destruction – “MAD.” This logic kept the peace for decades with the Soviet Union. Surely the threat of mutually assured destruction would keep the peace in, say, a stadium full of drunk NFL fans wearing opposing team jerseys. So that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT TEXANS – The Texans are a weird team with way too much of the wrong kind of momentum going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Bengals are as fragile as a teacup in an earthquake. If there were to be an earthquake, that would be a problem. But the Texans don’t make anyone quake, ever since the Patriots explained winning NFL football to them in early December. Bengals 27, Texans 20

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – So Adrian Peterson fell nine yards short of the NFL single season rushing record. It’s pretty to think that is important. Years from now, that will be all of this season there is to look back on. Well, that and the one and done playoff trip to Green Bay, where the Packers should smoke the Vikings. Packers 41, Vikings 24

COLTS AT RAVENS – Joe Flacco or Andrew Luck? Hmm. Spam or Steak? But the big news is the impending retirement of Ray Lewis. After being killed every week for years in this column in dozens of ways, Lewis could be riding off into the sunset. That’s why the sunset is just bright camouflage for a limo full of killers with knives because that’s the most poetic end I could conjure. Well, that and a Ravens loss in Baltimore to a rookie quarterback named Luck wearing a Colts uniform like Johnny Unitas used to wear. Colts 33, Ravens 30

SEAHAWKS AT REDSKINS – Can the Seahawks travel to Washington and win a road playoff game? Can the Redskins score enough on the Seahawks tough defense? I don’t put anything past these two quarterbacks. This is an actual career-defining game, or at least an early benchmark, for these two in their rookie season. So, the player to win the game is… Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks running back. That dude’s a beast. Seahawks 24, Redskins 19

BYE AT PATRIOTS – After a decoy trip to get pickled with Flavor Flav, the Patriots visit some Pickle Jar Kitchen. “It is what it is,” said Bill Belichick. “A culinary revolution.” He then had the kind of epiphany that only comes from the most mouth-watering delicious foods. “The easiest way to not lose to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl,” said the coach, “is to go to a Super Bowl that the Giants don’t qualify for.” Food for thought.

BYE AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning’s neck is surgically removed, greased and shined, and then replaced again. This is done in secret at Yucca Mountain, where the Peyton Manning droid is now maintained. It’s really remarkable how far the Dick Clark animatronic technology has evolved in just a year.

BYE AT 49ers – Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos come to life and form a band trying to compete with San Francisco’s greatest band, Mad Karma. Because mad karma is what Jim Harbaugh was counting on when he switched quarterbacks midseason. Meanwhile,  the Colin Kaepernick Tattoos put out their first single, “I’ve got a good defense” It goes straight to number 1.

BYE AT FALCONS – Yes, it’s the NFL playoffs. And yes, the Falcons are in the playoffs. But I say, despite what the national media thinks, the Falcons probably won’t lose this week. Sure, the Falcons always choke in the playoffs. But usually it is against an actual opponent. So come on, people. Be fair.

BYE AT BROWNS – Twenty five years ago, the Cleveland Browns lost the AFC championship to John Elway’s Denver Broncos when Ernest Byner fumbled at the goal line. I held my newborn son in my arms when it happened. I remember it exactly like yesterday. The Browns were almost Super Bowl good. They have never been that good again. They even abandoned me in the mid-1990s. New owner Jimmy Haslam needs to feel my pain, and help make my pleasant diversion from life actually pleasant again. It’s someone else’s turn to lose.

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I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.

I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!

You see, I have a big gavel. That’s what she said. No, really, that’s what she said.

So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.

I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.

So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!

With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – In the first quarter the Saints offense is a drop from the faucet, while Matt Hasselbeck makes this game look like a relative of Buster Douglas. But by the end of the game, Drew Brees has the ball flying all over the field as the drip becomes a fire hose of activity. The Seahawks are who we thought they were. Saints 34, Seahawks 20

JETS AT COLTS – Rex Ryan has a plaque on his desk. He bought it at a flea market, and it misquotes Teddy Roosevelt as saying: “Speak loudly and carry a small stick.” Santonio Holmes should have a big day but look for Mark Sanchez to complete more big passes to the Colts than to his own receivers. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning laughs every time the Jets blitz. Colts 26, Jets 14

RAVENS AT CHIEFS – Fireworks are shot off and a 3,000 birds fall from the sky and land on Ray Lewis. While most everyone is discounting the Chiefs as too young and inexperienced, I’m a believer. Look for some Matt Cassell heroics after a Joe Flacco late interception. Chiefs 23, Ravens 20

PACKERS AT EAGLES – After a dream season, Michael Vick will have offseason Clay Mathews nightmares. Aaron Rodgers throws three touchdown passes and the Eagles are karmically punished on a special teams play for once being snow wussies. Packers 31, Eagles 23

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Winning means attention to detail. Patriots rookies are given three-pages on how to brush their teeth in the post-season.

BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan watches Stuart Smalley tapes.

BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin is a fan of Jersey Shore because his quarterback is like a character from the show.

BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler spends the week trying to remember the difference between uniform colors.

BYE AT BROWNS – The same movie keeps repeating.

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This column is sponsored by the US Constitution, except that one part.