The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And everyday the paper boy brings more
– Pink Floyd
TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.
But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.
In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.
The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.
Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.
And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is. As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.
Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.
But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die – even though I did.
So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning – and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)
So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”
And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen.—
JETS AT COLTS – On the first play from scrimmage, Curtis Painter (that’s right) hits Reggie Wayne for a 90-yard touchdown pass. After Mark Sanchez’s first pass is intercepted, Jim Caldwell sends Peyton Manning into the game and as he does he moons Rex Ryan. After Manning throws two quick touchdown passes, Ryan and his blitzing-on-defense/running-on-offense strategy looks as silly as his prediction. But then the Jets running game gets established for a drive and the Jets break through for a score. This prompts Rex Ryan to flip Jim Caldwell the bird and tell sideline reporter Gilbert Arenas that he metaphorically wishes he had a gun. Arenas asks “what does ‘metaphorically’ mean,” and then he and his shoulder-mounted rocket launcher are led away laughing in handcuffs. But by halftime, Peyton Manning has thrown two more touchdown passes and Jim Caldwell has secretly paid two Jets player to fill a Gatorade bucket with goat urine and dump it on Rex at the end of the game. While Ryan’s halftime speech is filled with enough profanity to make Snoop Dog blush, there is not enough of Snoop’s favorite herb in the entire world for the Jets to even imagine a way to stop the machine that is Peyton Manning. After the game, Rex Ryan decides he doesn’t like Gatorade any more. Colts 45, Jets 7
TED KENNEDY AGAIN: You want to hear some creepy heaven gossip? Jack told me he knew Helen Thomas when she was hot. I know, I know…
VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Who dat? That’s what Archie Manning says to himself at the moment he discovers that when you get exactly what you want it may not really be exactly what you want. When Drew Brees walks on the field during warmups and the score is already 7-0, Archie Manning realizes that a Giants/Colts Super Bowl would be easier on him (he’d root for Peyton over Eli for sure). But as the National Anthem is sung and the score turns to 14-0, Archie finds himself gleeful to see the Saints winning big early. The first quarter is a soul-searching event for Archie Manning. Each time the Saints score, his soul has a nostalgic orgasm but he knows that this means his Super Bowl will likely lead him to years of therapy. After all, unlike Eli, he actually likes his son Peyton. He would root for him in almost every circumstance. Although I am merely reporting facts that I have invented and made up, that doesn’t mean this sentence or the previous one could not be stolen by someone and quoted as fact. That’s why, as a member of the media, I am throwing it out there. At halftime, Archie Manning is no longer the issue. Brett Favre’s retirement is. Haltime is a tense 15 minutes, filled with 18 Brett Favre press conferences. In the end, he returns for the second half. Adrian Peterson scores a few touchdowns that are filed under the too-little-too-late category, and Archie Manning turns to Oprah, who recommends Dr. Phil, who recommends Glenn Beck, who says gold is golden. That’s gold, not purple. Saints 41, Vikings 21
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