I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
– Bob Dylan
The last job left in America is on a migrant farm, picking games for Week 4 in the NFL. Picking games is like picking beans. The job was occupied by an illegal alien but she was deported, with the others, back to Lichtenstein. Now it’s my job to provide you with Week 4 NFL picks.
I have no experience, and clearly no expertise, but I am an American citizen so I got the job. It’s a tough job, but it’s a tougher economy – especially for someone of my limited skills and unusual experience. I used to be employed as Mike Singeltary’s verbal control manager until he decided my position was unnecessary. Then I took a job as Rex Ryan’s ego management secretary but he downsized. I found that to be a funny saying – Rex Ryan downsized.
This summer, I thought I had a good gig as Brett Favre’s retirement advisor, but that job aged quickly. I applied to be Wade Phillips’ intelligence officer, but I was told that position doesn’t exist. I had a good gig as Braylon Edward’s bartender but then I was abruptly fired . For one night, I was Dez Bryant’s concierge but he inexplicably let me go too. It’s a conspiracy or something.
My previous occupation was selling Kevin Kolb jerseys. That lasted about 15 minutes.
Now, I’ve got this job. Frankly, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.
BENGALS AT BROWNS – Eric Wright intercepts three passes. Terrell Owens dramatically sulks. The Browns offense discovers that the NFL allows passes to wide receivers. Browns 17, Bengals 14
SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Congratulations Sam Bradford! You’ve just won a chance to play against the Seahawks defense. Rams 28, Seahawks 27
BYE AT COWBOYS – Jerry Jones gets a complete face transplant because he is sick of people confusing him with Joan Rivers.
49ers AT FALCONS – The 49ers pregame meal is baked stuffed rat. Falcons 23, 49ers 18
RAVENS AT STEELERS – Joe Flacco’s favorite receiver is Troy Polamalu. Ray Lewis contracts terminal dancing fever. Steelers 20, Ravens 14
BYE AT CHIEFS – The “We’re 3-0” parade is a big success.
BRONCOS AT TITANS – This game features two quarterbacks that only I believe in. This week, I believe in Kyle Orton a little bit more. Broncos 24, Titans 20
LIONS AT PACKERS – The Lions are close to breaking through. Packers 30, Lions 27
BYE AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre retires. No one flies to Mississippi to beg him to come back.
PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Light the fuse and step back. Saints 45, Panthers 14
JETS AT BILLS – Trap game? Yes. Like a pie in the face. Bills 19, Jets 17
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Playoffs this year in Tampa! That’s right, the Rays look pretty good.
COLTS AT JAGUARS – Trent Edwards to the rescue. Really? Colts 28, Jaguars 19
TEXANS AT RAIDERS – Bruce Gradkowski has been the Raiders best option for a while. Raiders 22, Texans 18
REDSKINS AT EAGLES – Football is an emotional game. Redskins 23, Eagles 20
CARDINALS AT CHARGERS – Phillip Rivers is as good as Derek Anderson is bad. Chargers 41, Cardinals 12
BEARS AT GIANTS – The Bears aren’t that good, but the Giants are that bad. Bears 20, Giants 17
PATRIOTS AT DOLPHINS – When Tom Brady is hit a lot, he’s a mere human. Dolphins 23, Patriots 21
This column is sponsored by x-ray vision.