The Pilgrims’ Week 12 NFL Picks

Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant

– Arlo Guthrie

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The first Thanksgiving included 2009 Week 12 NFL Picks. That’s just one of the revelations in the new VH1 special called; The Pilgrims, Behind the Music.

“Governor William Bradford had issues with authority,” the story begins. “As the leader of the retro-band, The Pilgrims, who cruised around on their floating crib, The Mayflower, he had issues with himself since he was the one in authority. Our story takes place in 1621. Bradford, like all of the Pilgrims, was a Cleveland Browns fan and he often parked the Mayflower in Lake Erie, where the wild and crazy Pilgrims tailgated waiting for a Browns game to start at the old Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Some dressed in dog masks.”

“It was a few days after a game in the 1621 season when Governor Bradford, who was still wearing a Bernie Kosar jersey, was back at his home in Plymouth. He called his home, Plymouth Plantation. He was not a Patriots fan. He didn’t even consider himself to be living in Massachusetts.”

“On this particular day Governor Bradford was watching his large screen HD television when an Indian – but not a Cleveland Indian – knocked on his door and said, “Hey, you guys want any corn?” This Indian’s name was Squanto. He also was a Cleveland Browns fan. In fact, he was wearing a Leroy Kelly jersey.”

“Squanto was so happy another Browns fan was living in the neighborhood that he pulled out his cell phone and called his friends and told them to bring some turkeys and beer. While Governor Bradford and Squanto discussed how Eric Mangini has been like a dose of smallpox for the Cleveland Browns, they took out the schedule and pointed to the Monday night game in Week 12 of the 2009 season.”

“The Saints/Patriots game, Squanto and Governor Bradford agreed, is one to be thankful for.  So they invented Thanksgiving in New England but then they drank too much and decided to mandate that the Detroit Lions play on television every Thanksgiving. It was the first time in history that alcohol caused a problem at Thanksgiving. And the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving is known by many as the Pilgrim’s dark legacy.”

“The only record of that first Thanksgiving are these 2009 Week 12 NFL picks left behind in a ledger dated November 26, 1621 under the heading Whatzgonnahappen.”

PACKERS AT LIONS – Another year with Lion on the menu. Tastes like chicken. Packers 35, Lions 12

RAIDERS AT COWBOYS – I’d love to see this game 30 years ago. Cowboys 24, Raiders 19

GIANTS AT BRONCOS – If your city begins with “D”, you get a game on Thanksgiving. If Kyle Orton is good, you also get a win.  Broncos 23, Giants 17

SEAHAWKS AT RAMS – Kyle Boller starts for the St. Louis Rams. Kyle Boller is still in the NFL? Oh, you said the Rams. Seahawks 23, Rams 20

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – I remember when NFC East games looked like heavyweight slugfests, not clowns engaged in a pillow fight. Eagles 30, Redskins 10

PANTHERS AT JETS – The other ten players on each side could just sit out while Jake Delhome and Mark Sanchez play catch. That’s an interception. That’s an interception. Panthers 21, Jets 18

COLTS AT TEXANS – My Indonesian-American-Australian bookie tells me this is where the Colts lose. Never go against your Indonesian-American-Australian bookie if you know what’s good for you. Texans 27, Colts 23

BROWNS AT BENGALS – Brady Quinn throws four touchdowns because if he can do it against the Detroit Lions he can do it against anyone. On Carson Palmer’s last play Hail Mary pass, Hank Poteat surprisingly doesn’t tackle Chad Ochocinco before the ball comes down. Eric Magnini doesn’t call a timeout to give a half-crippled opponent time to watch “Rudy.” Browns 37, Bengals 31

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Mike Shanahan left some winning vibes in the building after his interview. Bills 24, Dolphins 14

BUCANNEERS AT FALCONS – The Buccaneers plan to take a 7-0 lead and then lose 38-7. Executing the plan is all in the opening drive. Falcons 38 Buccaneers 0

JAGUARS AT 49ERS – Michael Crabtree scores twice and the Jaguars hate going west. 49ers 21, Jaguars 20

CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Two winning streaks are at stake. The Chiefs will be driven into the ground with a stake. Chargers 36, Chiefs 20

CARDINALS AT TITANS – Even though I am a total I-told-you-so Vince Young fan, he loses this week. Cardinals 35, Titans 28

BEARS AT VIKINGS – This is Brett’s three-interception day, and Jay Cutler’s three-touchdown day. Bears 28, Vikings 13

STEELERS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis has a recurring Revenge-of-the-Turkey nightmare that drives him insane. Hines Ward drives him batty as well. Steelers 23, Ravens 20

PATRIOTS AT SAINTS – Gentleman, start your engines. Patriots 45, Saints 42

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This column is sponsored by the mashed potatoes.