What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
– Buffalo Springfield
These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?
What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.
Okay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.
Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.
Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999. The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.
As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen
JAGUARS AT FALCONS – I don’t remember Thursday night.
COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Saturday was a long time ago.
PANTHERS AT TEXANS – T.J. Yates has Matt Schaub reading up on Wally Pipp. Texans 20, Panthers 10
TITANS AT COLTS – Nobody’s perfect this season except the Packers. Colts 13, Titans 10
PACKERS AT CHIEFS – I like Romeo Crennell, and Kyle Orton poses a bit of an early issue, but the Packers offense is dominant. Packers 24, Chiefs 17
SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Marshawn Lynch has Bears 20, Seahawks 16
DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Buffalo weather so I am back on the bandwagon. Plus the Dolphins are waiting for next year. Bills 20, Dolphins 19
SAINTS AT VIKINGS – Drew Brees is the definition of accurate. Saints 38, Vikings 24
BENGALS AT RAMS – AJ Green is ridiculous Bengals 24, Rams 17
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Eli is better when Peyton is not in the league. Giants 27, Redskins 20.
LIONS AT RAIDERS – Ndamkong Suh and Richard Seymour write a children’s book called, “I’ll Hurt You.” Lions 26, Raiders 10
BROWNS AT CARDINALS – The Seneca Wallace era begins. That’s right, it’s going to be an era. Browns 30, Cardinals 20
PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – The Patriots should win 42-0. They won’t win because Tim Tebow inspires the Broncos defense to rush Tom Brady who throws an interception to an unnamed player who Tim Tebow cheers for as the player runs for a touchdown. Tebow cheering is the ESPN play of the week. Broncos 24, Patriots 21
JETS AT EAGLES – Disappointing versus humiliating. Disappointing wins. Jets 24, Eagles 20
RAVENS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are back? Back to nowhere, says I. The soulless Ravens remind Philip Rivers he is having a miserable season. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis has a fatal tinsel accident. Ravens 24, Chargers 21
STEELERS AT 49ers – The evil Steelers are better than the 49ers if Ben Roethlisberger plays. Steelers 17, 49ers 13
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This column is sponsored by “The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas,” and “I Saw Romney Kissing Santa Claus.”