‘Cause this thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike

– Michael Jackson

If you throw that egg, I won’t give you my week 8 NFL predictions. I am here at home dressed as an NFL prognosticator while I try to decipher, from the look on your face, why you are carrying toilet paper.

You want candy? I’ll give you candy when you show up dressed up as a Cleveland Browns victory. That would be unexpected, and quite a treat in this neighborhood.

On the other hand, putting on a Brett Favre mask and wearing a different jersey every year does not qualify as a costume. Plus I am having a hard time figuring out the difference between the Al Davis costume and Frankenstein.

I’ve noticed that every year you knuckleheads show up here looking for treats and threatening me with tricks. But I’ve told you the only thing I have to offer are haunted NFL predictions from  hell, I mean Cleveland. Yeah, that’s right. I dare say, boo to your tricks with one of my own.

You scoundrels may think you’ve bamboozled me into giving away my predictions – such as last week’s prescient Cedric Benson gains momentum with each of Jay Cutler’s three interceptions prediction. How did I know that would happen?

And so you show up at my door ready to soap my windows and you expect me to provide insight and candy? Okay, don’t throw that toilet paper in my trees because you’re going to need it after I tell you whatzgonnahappen.

GIANTS AT EAGLES – If football teams stole from Cleveland like baseball teams do, this matchup next year would feature Brady Quinn versus Derek Anderson. That’s scarier than a Glen Beck mask. Giants 21, Eagles 20

DOLPHINS AT JETS – Last week the Dolphins lost to the Saints while the Jets beat the Raiders. The math proves that the Dolphins are better than the Jets. Dolphins 20, Jets 17

BYE AT BENGALS – The Ochocinco News Network reports that Chad Ochocinco is looking for attention.

49ERS AT COLTS – Close game, time running out, and Peyton Manning has the ball. Colts 27, 49ers 24

RAMS AT LIONS – This game deserves to be refereed by major league baseball umpires. Rams 21, Lions 14

BYE AT CHIEFS – I don’t know if this is accurate but it sounds right: Larry Johnson is a twit.

SEAHAWKS AT COWBOYS – I am waiting for Miles Austin’s first diva moment. Cowboys 28, Seahawks 19

BROWNS AT BEARS – The Browns decide that since they are wearing football player costumes that they will play football this week. Hey, it’s all I’ve got left. Browns 29, Bears 28

BYE AT STEELERS – When a witch knocks on Ben Roethlisberger’s door, he asks her inside for a drink.

TEXANS AT BILLS – Whenever a Ryan Fitzpatrick story shows up, I root for it hoping it somehow becomes a new Tom Brady story. It won’t but it’s fun for a moment. Bills 24, Texans 17

BRONCOS AT RAVENS – The smart money is on the Ravens but my money didn’t even graduate from high school. Meanwhile, Someone with a knife mistakes Ray Lewis for a pumpkin, creating the Ray O’ Lantern. Broncos 21, Ravens 17

BYE AT BUCCANEERS – A bus tour of NFL hell would be rather long this year, and sure to visit Tampa Bay.

JAGUARS AT TITANS – Vince Young might still be good. Titans 30, Jaguars 20

RAIDERS AT CHARGERS – JaMarcus Russell will always be bad. Chargers 40, Raiders 7

BYE AT REDSKINS – The Redskins consider changing their name to the even more politically-incorrect Senators, because they can’t get anything done.

PANTHERS AT CARDINALS – Jake Delhomme may as well wear a Cardinals jersey. Cardinals 38, Panthers 6

VIKINGS AT PACKERS – This game is mentioned in the Mayan calendar; it is part of both the Old Testament and New Testament in the Bible; plus it’s part of the plot of a Dan Brown book. Vikings 30, Packers 20

BYE AT PATRIOTS – Bill Belichick installs into the offense a couple versions of rugby plays he learned when he was in England.

FALCONS AT SAINTS – If you want to beat the Saints this year, you better score 40. Saints 38, Falcons 17

This column is sponsored by 2001-2009 Etc.;    The Endless War

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