It’s my job but without it I’d be less
Than what I expect from me
– Jimmy Buffett
These week 10 NFL predictions lost their job. Their greedy CEO cut their salary so he could spend it on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. These predictions never get a Blue Ribbon, proving that capitalism is unfair and extravagant. These week 10 NFL predictions hate The Man.
The Man just burped.
These week 10 NFL predictions were laid off from their regular job and now, every week after trekking to the unemployment office, the only thing these week 10 NFL predictions can do to maintain dignity is to hope for change – which, by the way, is what they thought they voted for last year.
These week 10 NFL predictions are on the sidewalk begging for change, and left with no hope. The Dow is at 10,000, and there is 10 percent unemployment in America’s NFL week 10. The stars are aligning for the predictions to get 10 right, or maybe 10 wrong. More likely 10 wrong.
These week 10 NFL predictions offer the following tip: the Sunday night game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts, featuring Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, is the most crucial thing happening on the planet this week.
Okay, maybe these week 10 NFL picks are unemployed for a reason.
For instance, these NFL predictions always fall for the Cleveland Browns. Talk about a team without hope… a team needing change. The situation appears infinitely hopeless. The fans in Cleveland are protesting and the owner is taking his advice from a guy wearing a dog mask – no wait, that’s Eric Mangini. How does he have a job?
So while The Man is passed out in his own odorous drool, these week 10 NFL predictions would like to quietly and very behind-the-scenes suggest that if you check out their resume or even get references from Week 9, you will discover there is not the slightest chance in hell that this is whatzgonnahappen.
BEARS AT 49ERS – Alex Smith throws his two interceptions early in the game and then Frank Gore takes over as the Bears defense plays like the Muppets of the Midway. 49ers 24, Bears 21
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Matt Ryan is young. Jake Delhomme is old. Falcons 30, Panthers 10
BUCCANEERS AT DOLPHINS – Maybe the Buccaneers go through Orlando on the way to Miami, but that doesn’t make Josh Freeman into Cinderella. Ronnie Brown scores twice. Dolphins 31, Buccaneers 13
SAINTS AT RAMS – Kaboom! Saints 71, Rams 6
BYE AT GIANTS – Playoffs? You kiddin’ me? Playoffs?
BYE AT TEXANS – On the last play of the bye the Texans make a mental mistake and forget they are not playing, leading to an unfortunate barbecue injury.
BRONCOS AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder’s dark heart suddenly feels as nourished as if he was eating puppies in a bowl of ice cream and garnished with syrupy kittens stolen from an orphanage. Redskins 20, Broncos 17
JAGUARS AT JETS – The Jets were 3-1 before acquiring Braylon Edwards. They are 1-3 since. Hmmm. Jets 24, Jaguars 21
BENGALS AT STEELERS – I am staying on the Cedric Benson bandwagon. Bengals 24, Steelers 21
BILLS AT TITANS – Vince Young will be shaky until he isn’t, like his career from now on. Titans 27, Bills 18
LIONS AT VIKINGS – Kaboom, the sequel. Vikings 51, Lions 16
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS – Larry Johnson and Tom Cable walk into a bar and then there is a punchline that ends with an investigation. Raiders 14, Chiefs 13
COWBOYS AT PACKERS – Clearly, Aaron Rodgers can’t play defense like Brett Favre could. Cowboys 28, Packers 21
EAGLES AT CHARGERS – This is an episode of Unsolved Mystery and it turns out the Chargers are better by a lot. Chargers 31, Eagles 17
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Kurt Warner’s Hall Of Fame career is on another high stretch. Cardinals 38, Seahawks 22
PATRIOTS AT COLTS – The Colts stay undefeated, and the Patriots know by experience that it means they are vulnerable later. Colts 27, Patriots 24
RAVENS AT BROWNS – The boycott causes hotdog sales to go down, meaning there is less flatulence and thus less methane which equals less global warming and so the world is saved by Dawgpound Mike – a real bonehead – and the grateful Browns show their appreciation by actually scoring touchdowns – plural. Ray Lewis takes a job as Mike Tyson paparazzo. Browns 28, Ravens 20
This column is sponsored by the 2nd Amendment Funeral Home.