You’ve got to change your evil ways, baby
Before I stop loving you
Week 10 NFL Picks for Bullies is the first of a new series of reference books to compete with the For Dummies books, and with the Complete Idiot’s Guides.
Are you a dick? These Week 10 NFL Picks For Bullies are for you.
Is a bag of hammers smarter than you? This is the place for guidance.
Until this week, being a bully in the NFL was a good thing. So just say that, and then stop talking.
And please, no more text messages. Even we’re offended, and our next book is called Pre-Teen Mean Girls For Bullies.
One more thing. You need to come forward now.
It’s too late to go incognito.
You are a bully. Own it. Be proud. You are a bully-American. Trust us, you are not alone.
It may not look good right now, but this is America. Nice guys finish last. Bullies always win. So just ride this out, because that’s whatzgonnahappen.
REDSKINS AT VIKINGS – Adrian Peterson runs for 200 yards. Robert Griffin III throws for 400 yards. Both defenses are offensive. Vikings 31, Redskins 29
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Joe Flacco received a $29 million signing bonus and he is playing like you would if someone gave you $29 million. Yes, you. Bengals 23, Ravens 13
LIONS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler sends the Josh McCown voodoo doll back to the manufacturer in Haiti. Josh McCown doesn’t need a Jay Cutler voodoo doll. Lions 30, Bears 20
EAGLES AT PACKERS – On one side, Nick Foles is already a first-ballot Hall of Famer. On the other, Seneca Wallace is not as good as Aaron Rodgers. Or Mr. Rogers. Eagles 27, Packers 10
RAMS AT COLTS – Trent Richardson cheers loud from the sidelines. Colts 30, Rams 14
SEAHAWKS AT FALCONS – The Falcons are mostly horrible. The Seahawks are mostly opportunists. This is an opportunity, but I mostly sense an upset. Falcons 24, Seahawks 23
RAIDERS AT GIANTS – Terrell Pryor remembers being on better Ohio State teams in his professional football career. Giants 24, Raiders 17
JAGUARS AT TITANS – The Titans bring in a Pop Warner team to practice against in order to prepare for the Jaguars. Titans 36, Jaguars 13
BILLS AT STEELERS – The Steelers have a hard time remembering how not to give up touchdowns but they seem to figure it out by halftime. Steelers 26, Bills 21
PANTHERS AT 49ers – The Panthers are playing great football. And I think I like Cam Newton more than Colin Kaepernick. But I reserve the right to change my mind. Panthers 20, 49ers 19
TEXANS AT CARDINALS – Case Keenum outplays Carson Palmer. Texans 19, Cardinals 13
BRONCOS AT CHARGERS – Jack Del Rio is not nearly as good as John Fox at saying, “Okay Peyton, you call the plays.” Chargers 34, Broncos 31
COWBOYS AT SAINTS – Tony Oh No! plays really well for three quarters, as he is apt to do. But in the end, he makes Rob Ryan feel good about himself. “Better than donuts,” says Ryan. Saints 33, Cowboys 29
DOLPHINS AT BUCCANEERS – The Dolphins locker room should be falling apart right now. Wait, that’s the Buccaneers locker room. Oh, Florida! Dolphins 10, Buccaneers 7
BYE AT CHIEFS – The opponent this week is equal to many of the Chiefs opponents this season. I’m picking the Chiefs.
BYE AT JETS – Rex Ryan looks at his phone. Another text message from Mark Sanchez.
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Tom Brady hangs out with Gisele and rests his hand. Wouldn’t you?
BYE AT BROWNS – Brandon Weeden has a strong case that that whenever he plays, the defense bullies him.
This column is sponsored by NFL Coaches for ObamaCare, or at least a stretcher.