Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
These week 2 NFL picks come from the Democratic party, and are therefore welfare-state liberal in suggesting that the Cleveland Browns deserve to win.
Dead Ted Kennedy: In order to reliably create week 2 NFL picks, the nation must take week 1 into account before crossing that bridge. Getting the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl has been the cause of my lifetime.
The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die. Although if you are not careful crossing the bridge someone just might die, and then she wouldn’t get to see the Browns in the Super Bowl. Of course, I am now dead but I still come back sometimes to help with this column, because I get paid with booze.
Look, my quote-unquote good friend, Barry Obama, is already the current Prognosticator of the United States of America. So what the heck, I nominate him again. After all, he gave Hillary a job, which means she’s always on the road, if you know what I mean.
But heck, I watched the knuckleheads in Tampa. Did you? It was funny to me because their argument is basically that the Cleveland Browns have stunk since 1999 and they stink now, so we should put Randy Lerner in charge again. But I suggest that it’s time for Jimmy Haslam III to start and then finish the job, and keep Hillary on the road.
Joe Biden: Art Modell is dead and the Cleveland Browns are alive. Put that on a bumper sticker, why don’t you? What do you mean, the Cleveland Browns are not alive? Brandon Weeden’s quarterback rating of 5.1 last week was really good, right? Just like 8 percent unemployment, no? Yes, my foot tastes good, why do you ask?
Barack Obama: We’re going forward past hope and change into an imaginary world where the Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. My opponent says he will cut the losses while adding wins, but he offers no specific plan. On the other hand, my plan is working. Just look at the results. Well, not this week, but you know, future results. Then you’ll see whatzgonnahappen.
BEARS AT PACKERS – The Bears lead at halftime, and the front-running Packers are not able to catch up. Bears 29, Packers 24
CHIEFS AT BILLS – Ryan Fitzpatrick apparently got an “A” in the class at Harvard called, “Giving It All Away.” But he should know how to beat a bad defense. Bills 24, Chiefs 21
RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Ryan Tannehill has few weapons. We may never know if he could have been a good quarterback because he’ll most likely be shell-shocked into David Carr-land. Raiders 20, Dolphins 17
RAVENS AT EAGLES – I don’t trust the Eagles yet surprisingly I trust Joe Flacco. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis’ parents move to a country that allow them to have a really, really, really, really late-term abortion. Ravens 27, Eagles 17
BUCCANEERS AT GIANTS – Outside of the Cleveland Browns, I am very suggestible and so my first bandwagon of the year is the Buccaneers. The Giants still can’t believe they won the Super Bowl. Buccaneers 22, Giants 21
CARDINALS AT PATRIOTS – Hollywood Bill Belichick and his flashy offense from a few years ago have gone back to basic balance, which basically means the Patriots are already a favorite to go the Super Bowl. Patriots 32, Cardinals 18
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars look like a team poised to get better, but not this week against this team. Texans 24, Jaguars 17
SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Last week, the Saints faced this year’s rookie phenom quarterback and lost. This week, they face last year’s rookie phenom quarterback. But now he’s officially in his sophomore slump. Saints 40, Panthers 20.
BROWNS AT BENGALS – Browns star cornerback Joe Haden is suspended with superstar receiver A.J. Green in town. Brandon Weeden fumbles or throws an interception on every other play, and the Browns offensive line is slow and bumbling. All signs point to an easy win. Browns 30, Bengals 10
VIKINGS AT COLTS – It’s already the first meaningless game of the NFL season. Gosh, early huh? Pun of the week: I don’t know whether to Ponder this game or wish for Luck. Colts 20, Vikings 18
REDSKINS AT RAMS – After a debut that made Robert Griffin III look like he could be the best quarterback in the NFL very shortly, he goes to St. Louis to taunt the team that traded his rights away. Redskins 35, Rams 20
COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson joins a long list of short quarterbacks who could have been good if only they weren’t so short. On a side note, that’s what makes Drew Brees so amazing. Cowboys 26, Seahawks 13
JETS AT STEELERS – Hey Pittsburgh, welcome to a slow painful slide to mediocrity. And say hello to Tim Tebow. That’s right. Tebowing is back only it’s better choreographed and now called Broadway Tebowing. Jets 23, Steelers 14
TITANS AT CHARGERS – Early Season Norv is at it again. The Chargers can be great when nothing matters. 23, Titans 10
LIONS AT 49ers – The 49ers are for real, so this doesn’t count as bandwagon jumping. As for the Lions, Matthew Stafford takes too many risks. 49ers 29, Lions 20
BRONCOS AT FALCONS – Young gun Matt Ryan versus old gun Peyton Manning. Ryan gets to throw to Julio Jones, who looks like a superstar. Gosh, why can’t the Browns ever get guys like that? Falcons 28, Broncos 25
This column is sponsored by People For Pie.
LAST WEEK 8-8 SEASON 8-8
Please check out this excerpt from Chapter 1 of Conquering The North Face: Leader or Bully; There Are Consequences
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