Communication breakdown, it’s always the same
I’m having a nervous breakdown, drive me insane!
– Led Zeppelin
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The fantasy football league I joined is toxic, and seems to go by the rules of RISK. As you can tell, I’ve got no friends so I joined this random league and it turned out to be a league with Vladmir Putin, Barack Obama, and Bashar al-Assad.
I took all Cleveland Browns players. That is always my strategy. Brandon Weeden, with only three interceptions in the first half of the first game, played above expectations, I thought. Plus, he’s got upside, or is that upside-down?
Anyway, back to my fantasy league. Barack Obama picked Andrew Luck on the advice of his campaign advisers, who suggested luck has always served him well.
Assad, a fan of toxic chemistry, went with all New York Jets. Meanwhile Putin, the ex-spy, of course went with Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots. Don’t forget, he has a Patriots ring.
What a group. Everybody’s always bitching about the rules.
All I wanted to do was have a bit of fun. You know, some chill competition among new friends is how I envisioned this league. But no. These bastards want to kill each other.
It’s only week 2. I got to tell you… I don’t know whatzgonnahappen.
JETS AT PATRIOTS – Geno Smith believes he is a good quarterback. Bill Belichick believes that is hilarious. Patriots 30, Jets 12
RAMS AT FALCONS – The Rams may develop into a good team, but the Falcons are tough at home. Falcons 27, Rams 20
CHARGERS AT EAGLES – Okay, maybe I believe a little bit in Chip Kelly’s offense… a little bit more than I do in the Chargers. Eagles 35, Chargers 25
COWBOYS AT CHIEFS – Impossible to judge the Chiefs, who last week played a middle school team from Jacksonville. But I am judge and jury on the Cowboys and I declare them average. Chiefs 23, Cowboys 21
DOLPHINS AT COLTS – After the Dolphins lose, Mike Wallace will be drinking champagne because he’ll have a big game. Next up, a reality show with T.O. and Ochocinco. Colts 23, Dolphins 20
TITANS AT TEXANS – Tennessee’s defense, dominating against Pittsburgh, won’t look as good against a team that has an actual offensive line. Texans 26, Titans 10
REDSKINS AT PACKERS – For all the RGIII hype, don’t ever forget that Daniel Snyder still owns the Washington Redskins. Packers 30, Redskins 20
BROWNS AT RAVENS – Since Brandon Weeden is better than Peyton Manning, he will throw eight touchdown passes this week. Browns 56, Ravens 3
PANTHERS AT BILLS – In the fourth quarter, both these teams start new charities but the Panthers turn out to be better at giving things away. Bills 20, Panthers 17
VIKINGS AT BEARS – When Adrian Peterson is an old man, he will have a dartboard with Christian Ponder’s face taped to it. Bears 23, Vikings 13
SAINTS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are the worst team in the NFL (the Jaguars don’t count). Saints 42, Buccaneers 10
LIONS AT CARDINALS – Ndamukong Suh performs on Eminim’s new hit song,”I’m really uncomfortable right now.” Cardinals 27, Lions 20
JAGUARS AT RAIDERS – The Jaguars hope to steal a couple of more bases this week and maybe score more than 2. Raiders 14, Jaguars 2
BRONCOS AT GIANTS – Peyton Manning. Eli Manning. Bradley Manning. You do the math. Broncos 31, Giants 21
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll share cookie recipes at halftime. Harbaugh suggested arsenic is a good ingredient. Carroll tells Harbaugh he should try rat poison. 49ers 30, Seahawks 27
STEELERS AT BENGALS – Ben Roethlisberger wonders what kind of crime he has to commit to get suspended so he doesn’t have to play behind his offensive line. Bengals 24, Steelers 10
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This column is sponsored by Anthony Weiner’s cellphone camera.