Lie to me
And tell me everything is all right
– Johnny Lang
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These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.
I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.
With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?
I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.
While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.
Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.
Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.
Hillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.
My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.
Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.
The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.
When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.
That’s whatzgonnahappen.
TEXANS AT PATRIOTS – Patriots 19, Texans 18
BRONCOS AT BENGALS – Bengals 24, Broncos 20
RAIDERS AT TITANS – Raiders 30, Titans 20
CARDINALS AT BILLS – Cardinals 41. Bills 9
RAVENS AT JAGUARS – Jaguars 26, Ravens 21
BROWNS AT DOLPHINS – Browns 32, Dolphins 12
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Giants 14, Redskins 13
LIONS AT PACKERS – Packers 34, Lions 29
VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – Panthers 36, Vikings 10
49ers AT SEAHAWKS – Seahawks 40, 49ers 13
RAMS AT BUCCANEERS – Buccaneers 24, Rams 20
STEELERS AT EAGLES – Eagles 30, Steelers 29
CHARGERS AT COLTS – Colts 33, Chargers 30
BEARS AT COWBOYS – Cowboys 6, Bears 5
FALCONS AT SAINTS – Saints 52, Falcons 31
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This column is sponsored by the people rigging the presidential debate.