You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you’re the only bait in town
– Jimmy Buffett
Roger Goodell here with your Week 3 NFL picks, starting with Thursday’s game when the Falcons beat up the Buccaneers by an ambiguous score of 56 to 14.
I think the Falcons might win. Maybe by a score of 6 to 3 or something. I won’t really know what’s going to happen unless I watch a video of what already happened. And where am I supposed to find video of an NFL game?
Despite your skepticism, I bet $44 million a year that you are going to blame me and not the 32 men, the NFL owners, who sent me here to say the Falcons are only going to win by 3. And if you do blame me, and not those 32 men, then I win $44 million a year. (And as I have convinced them, it’s the best $44 million they’ll ever spend.)
So yes, I really thought the Falcons would only win by 3, because the score of 56 to 14 was ambiguous. But then I saw highlights of the game. The highlights were clear, and they were a game changer. The score was ambiguous. The highlights were not.
While the Falcons ultimately did win by a score of 56 to 14, I regret not predicting the correct score once the game was over. It was a mistake, and I am deeply sorry. I have formed a committee and even asked my best friend do an independent investigation into find out why I thought the Falcons would only win by 3, despite having been told the final score.
All I can say, is that the information I had was ambiguous. I got it wrong.
I pledge that I am going to get it right. No, not right now. Specifically, someday. I sure hope you believe that’s whatzgonnahappen.
BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – On Saturday and Sunday, all the information I have at my disposal for the Thursday game says… Falcons 6, Buccaneers 3
CHARGERS AT BILLS – Which do you believe in least… the Chargers traveling East or the Bills continuing to win. I believe least in the Bills, but just barely. Chargers 27, Bills 24
REDSKINS AT EAGLES – DeSean Jackson thinks the Redskins should change their name… to the Eagles. Maybe he just wishes he still was an Eagle. Eagles 31, Redskins 21
TITANS AT BENGALS – There are people who can say, with a straight face, that the Bengals are the best team in the AFC. I couldn’t even say that with my crooked face. But they are the best team in this game. Bengals 30, Titans 10
COWBOYS AT RAMS – Nothing like the Rams offense to make the Cowboys defense look good. Still, it’s tough to make the Cowboys offense look good. Cowboys 17, Rams 13
TEXANS AT GIANTS – Last week, I thought the Giants would turn the corner. I meant this week. Even though JJ Watt is now catching touchdown passes along with quarterbacks, I see a Giants win. Giants 23, Texans 20
RAVENS AT BROWNS –The Ravens come back to Cleveland for the worst week of their existence in Baltimore because sometimes Karma takes almost 20 years. Browns 34, Ravens 20
PACKERS AT LIONS – Each defense should be allowed 12 players. Lions 38, Packers 33
COLTS AT JAGUARS – The Colts have to win and the Jaguars don’t, because they aren’t going anywhere. Colts 29, Jaguars 10
RAIDERS AT PATRIOTS – Given the current NFL climate, the upcoming Aaron Hernandez murder trials (plural) do not bode well for Bob Kraft, Bill Belichick and the Patriots organization. The Raiders visiting is a short-term balm. Patriots 37, Raiders 13
VIKINGS AT SAINTS – The Indoor Saints are still pretty good, and Matt Cassell is not – especially with his main weapon indicted for acting like a weapon. Saints 32, Viking 20
49ers AT CARDINALS – Colin Kaepernick changes his middle name to “Mistake”. Cardinals 20, 49ers 13
BRONCOS AT SEAHAWKS – The Seahawks, after losing, play at home. Peyton Manning wants revenge but you can’t get revenge for a Super Bowl loss in week 3. Seahawks 23, Broncos 20
CHIEFS AT DOLPHINS – Remember last year when the Chiefs were really good? You will this week. Chiefs 30, Dolphins 17
STEELERS AT PANTHERS – Ben Roethlisberger can’t believe how bad some players act. Panthers 30, Steelers 13
BEARS AT JETS – The Bears are as impossible to figure out as their up-and-down quarterback. The Jets are as easy to figure out as their mediocre coach. Jets 26, Bears 23
This column is sponsored by Fox News cheering for another war.