Paranoia strikes deep
Into your world it will creep
– Buffalo Springfield
You can’t even pinpoint where the threat comes from. Week to week, it is a different city that is trying to take down the Cleveland Browns. It morphs. Scary, very scary.
Who are these people? Why don’t they believe what I believe?
Ah screw it. Starting next week, my team will be launching bombs and putting boots on the ground. (Note to FOX, my favorite news network: the word is “boots”. You guys crack me up. Literally. I am cracking up.).
And as you can surely guess, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
GIANTS AT REDSKINS – For some reason, I am at my best at picking these Thursday games. Giants 45, Redskins 14
PACKERS AT BEARS – When Aaron Rodgers refused to throw towards Richard Sherman in week 1, the Packers season ended. Bears 33, Packers 24
TITANS AT COLTS – Charlie Whitehurst? That’s the punchline, but you already knew that. Colts 27, Titans 20
PANTHERS AT RAVENS – The Ravens, like the devil, feed on bad news. Not enough bad news this week. Panthers 24, Ravens 18
BUCCANEERS AT STEELERS – The Buccaneers, last week, looked like the worst team in the history of football. The Steelers looked like they fixed their season. So of course, I am picking the Buccaneers. Buccaneers 22, Steelers 21
DOLPHINS AT RAIDERS – Derek Carr is already better than David Carr, and Joe Philbin is soon going to tell you that he thinks you could use a good life insurance policy. Raiders 27, Dolphins 10
BILLS AT TEXANS – It’s hard to pick this game because I don’t follow high school football. Texans 17, Bills 13
LIONS AT JETS – Geno Smith buys Michael Vick a dog. Lions 33, Jets 7
JAGUARS AT CHARGERS – Blake Bortles proves he is better than Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert, so that’s a good thing, right. Chargers 40, Jaguars 20
FALCONS AT VIKINGS – Teddy Bridewater plays as if if he doesn’t have gloves. Matt Ryan doesn’t need them. Falcons 33, Vikings 17
EAGLES AT 49ERS – Which coach could you like to run your team for the next ten years? My answer: Eagles 31, 49ers 21
SAINTS AT COWBOYS – Rob Ryan is capable of making any quarterback look like Johnny Unitas. Tony Romo obliges. Cowboys 34, Saints 31
PATRIOTS AT CHIEFS – By the time this year is over, Tom Brady will look like Willie Mays at the end of his career. He may be pretty, but this is sad – and it’s the offensive line’s fault. Still, Gisele begins thinking that Jimmy Garrapolo is cute. Chiefs 23, Patriots 16
BYE AT CARDINALS – Just like Yoda, Bruce Arians is.
BYE AT BENGALS – Can we just play the playoffs in the regular season?
BYE AT BRONCOS – Peyton Manning buys a Russell Wilson jersey..
BYE AT RAMS – Shaun Hill is the starter and Austin Davis is the backup. Okay, why?
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Russell Wilson enters the elite quarterback club, learns the secret handshake.
BYE AT BROWNS – Brian Hoyer doesn’t throw an interception, as usual.
This column is sponsored by Ebola Candy.